Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
If I do contact and find out Dad has acted badly though it could go one of two ways in my head:-
1. It will totally eliminate any guilt so I'll be more than capable of just saying NO. I will be able to totally escape and have the relationship with him I am willing to have.
2. It will make me even angrier with him than I am now. I will find it difficult to do anything for him knowing what I know.
Do I really want to stir the pot and find out things that, long term, are going to cause me a lot of grief? Or do I stick with how things are slowly getting better?
After all, its getting to the point that its become pretty obvious, that Dad did not do everything he said. There is no way he "volunteered" to raise two small children as a single Dad in the early 70s. Theres much more to the story here. I KNOW this now - do I really need to know exactly what Dad has done? In my mind, hes still my Dad, but over the last few years my estimation has gone down from Hero to A@@hole level.
I'm getting there to be honest. Its a massive fight but I'm getting there. Hes getting worse of course in all ways.
He WILL NOT change his living venue. He won't do anything I recommend. There will be a real crisis soon I know it. BUT I no longer run....
At the moment, he gets a cold and hes phoning me, the GP, the ambulance because he thinks hes so ill. If he ever had a REAL bad illness I dread to think. He doesn't listen to people including doctors.
He never has been able to get his head around things when a doctor says "Sorry we can't do anything for you". Thats why him and his doctor have fallen out - he keeps ringing and they keep telling him - there is nothing more than can do for his knees (he can walk but not far- better than a lot).
I have nightmares about him developing heart problems, lung problems, cancer or the like where nothing can be done. He just won't accept it. I can just imagine. I wouldnt want his last years to be so unhappy for him and, if I'm honest, it would probably kill stone dead any father/son relationship we have because of how he'd be.
If you wish to see your mother, do so but I wouldn’t even bring up your dad to her. If she wants to bring him up, that’s different.
Has your brother ever tried to contact her? I wish you well whatever you decide.
I know at one time he was up for moving to canada (where she lives) so she did all the immigration stuff then he changed his mind last minute without telling her.
Thats him though - you wouldn't rely on him to look after a hamster.
That’s a shame your brother did that. I believe in second chances but I also know that deep pain or confusion can cause us to close our hearts to trusting again.
I know this happened to my husband. His mom died. My mother in law was a lovely woman. We were very close. She was a wonderful grandmother to my oldest daughter. She died before my second child was born.
Anyway...my father in law had a secretive affair while she was dying with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. As soon as my mother in law died he moved the woman into his home and because my husband questioned the relationship and how she was blowing through all of his money, he decided to ditch all of us. My daughter was crushed. My husband did not want him to go broke. Thank God he saved enough for an assisted living facility to live in.
My daughter adored her grandfather. She had been close to him. I will never forget her telling me that grandpa forgot about her. It was awful.
Our second daughter was born. We called him to see her in the hospital. He brought the woman. She was the kind of woman that felt she was a queen and in reality she was nothing but a stranger to us.
She was upset with us that we didn’t give her loads of attention. I had been through a high risk pregnancy and an emergency cesarean section and she expected me to entertain her! She was a self centered woman.
If he hadn’t tried to force her down our throats right after my mother in law died and would have given us a chance to grieve then we would have welcomed her into the family.
He even moved several states away and didn’t even tell his us that he was leaving with this woman. By that time there was no relationship left. We tried to maintain a relationship but she had brainwashed him telling him how awful we were. She saw us as a threat to her losing the money he provided for her. He bought a home with her. He bought her jewelry, clothes, plus they traveled the world. This was a man who was extremely frugal with him money! It was like he was buying her love. It was sickening.
The woman finally died at 95! He is 96. He returned back home. My brother in law flew out to his house and brought him back home.
My husband wants nothing to do with him and I told him that I support whatever he decided. His dad is now in an assisted living facility.
My brother in law and his wife remained in contact with him. My husband is not close to his brothers because they believed the lies that this woman told about us.
His oldest brother lives in California so we barely saw him before. The younger brother doesn’t have children and doesn’t understand family life. He and his wife are carefree.
I guess what I want to say to you is there is no right or wrong way to feel. It’s completely your choice and you have the right to feel however you feel. It’s complicated. Feelings can be strong or they can die.
Is different, but I saw it with my sister a bit. When Mum couldn't care for her anymore & I stepped in I thought she'd be devestated & really miss her. Everyone noticed how well she did. BUT quickly became dependant on ME. (Beep beep beep truck backing up noises - that was me). The other day when I declined some task she needed doing, she said 'I don't care who does it - I just need it done'. Okeey.
The Grandfather just needed a wife. Peace to you & your DH, sorry you had this happen.
I suspect Paul's Dad just needs a son (or daughter) too. If both his son's moved to Canada today maybe he would reach out to a nephew or find a gold-digger carer too.
Yes, you got it right. He said to us that he did not want to be alone. His business, but he should have respected us enough to allow us to grieve privately. This woman bragged to us about him crying in her arms the night my mother in law died! Too much information! We didn’t need to know that!
Some men don’t grieve, they replace. It doesn’t even matter if they replace with a controlling gold digger, just as long as they have a partner.
He even asked her to marry him. She refused saying she did not want to mix up their finances. All she had to do was have him sign a prenup so he wouldn’t get her first husband’s money that she wanted to go to her kids.
Oh, but she had no trouble spending his money. My husband told him that all we wanted was a relationship with him.
We never asked anyone for a dime. I was so proud of my husband when he told his dad that he could flush his money down the toilet because his money didn’t mean anything to us. We wanted a father and grandfather to our daughters. This woman bragged to us that he was leaving money to her children. Well, of course they liked him. He was a cash cow to them who bought their affection, just like their mom. She had such an ego. She couldn’t accept that we weren’t close to her because she wasn’t a nice woman. She thought she was a queen. She really did.
The kicker though, he inherited his money from my mother in law’s parents. She was an only child and got it all, quite a bit of money! He supported his mistress while his wife was dying with his in-laws money. Can you imagine?
My mother in law’s father adored her. If he had known his hard earned money would be spent on his son in law’s mistress, he would have given more of his money to charity!
Then he used the inheritance to travel the world with this woman. He was cheap with his wife, my sweet mother in law!
We saved until we could buy our cars, homes, etc. If we didn’t have money due to unexpected expenses or whatever we did without. We learned to appreciate money. We loved people for themselves, not for what they gave to us.
I could well manage with NO family at all. Easy.
My wife and I have always said we're going to move to the US. Shes a nurse so we could be OK for a Green card.
All we need is to find somewhere in the USA where they speak Welsh (national language of Wales) so my kids can keep speaking it!
Not sure if any Welsh background Canadians would still speak the language - Cymraeg isn't it? I have about 15% South Welsh border dna. I was brought up making pikelets but that's about it for culture! Fantastic to keep the language up. My Uncle could speak a bit of Cornish (Kernewek).
tell Dad, when I am not available (especially weekends) he MUST contact your brother for help.
this is such a tough situation.
my parents were caught in such a situation with grandma. Finally they had a family pow-wow and just announced they were moving away at the end of the month. No negotiating position was allowed. My Moms brother ended up seeing that grandma was placed in a NH.
with some families it just the only way to move forward.
We were away in glastonbury music festival. I'd warned both Dad and brother than I was in the middle of a field in a tent. The phone signal was poor, there was no way to charge the phone. My 6 year old was at home with gran so I needed to have phone not flat in case of emergencies.
So brother text me. "Phone Dad". I texted back to ask what the problem was? "Just phone him". So I text back whats the problem, why wont you tell me and cant you sort it? I also reminded him I was in a field etc.
Next thing my wife gets a fbook message about how we are both selfish Bs because we wont spend a minute speaking to Dad.
I refused to call him. Phoned him when I got back monday. All it was was confusion because he'd switched utility supplier. I sorted it out in 10 minutes. What on earth was I supposed to do on a Saturday afternoon (the helpline was closed !)???
Was really annoyed with both Dads and brothers attitude over this..... Dad knew full well what he was doing - egging brother on to get me to sort it. Brother could not be bothered to sort it and wanted to shovel it all over to me.
Not a bad idea to move away. Your brother couldn't call you then with his foolishness! Nor could your dad.
You need your phone for your business, so this isn't likely the best option!
Get a new phone and number with the cheapest plan and tell both your phone broke, or better yet it was lost and you had to get a new one and a new number.
I believe you have blocked them, at least in the past. I don't know the details or what phone you have or can get, but it appears that there is capability for "Selective" call forwarding. It isn't clear if this "feature" is included on the phones or provided by your service.
If you can figure this one out, forward any calls from them you get on your primary cell to that new phone and let it go to messaging. That phone can "conveniently" be left at home... Esp when you are on holiday or just having an outing with some or all of the family.
Mostly a history of Welsh immigration, but "Current expatriates have formed societies all across the country, including the Chicago Tafia (a play on "Mafia" and "Taffy"), AmeriCymru and New York Welsh/ Cymry Efrog Newydd."
A consulate might be able to provide information about areas that have larger, recent populations with continuing culture in addition to those listed (those who emigrated many years ago have mostly assimilated.)
Wife being a nurse could very likely find employment easily - not enough nurses to go around! Bonus - you would be closer to Disney....
Diolch yn fawr (thanks very much)
She tells me she'd have to sit an exam to work in the US apparently because the UK qualification is not totally recognised. As for me, I think I'm right the US is not big on contract IT work. Not sure at my age I could go back to working for a company lol.
And don't you guys get like two weeks annual leave a year? :-(((((
In the past, I've blocked Dad temporarily on mobile and unplugged home phone.
A few weeks ago Dad asked for my wifes mobile. No way Jose. He is STILL going on about that he needs the number JUST IN CASE. I know where that ones going.
Dad "emergency" and he'll be ringing my wife 5 mins after I dont answer. That would not end well if he rang my wife!
Aw. Hes from the same village that I'm from. (Yeh sorry we do villages, towns, cities - small, medium ,large in the uk).
Treforest, which is part of the town of Pontypridd which is 12 miles north of the capital city of Cardiff.
(Its all underwater after last weekend mind)
Also, his flat is on the 2nd floor.... :-)
But yes there has been a lot of devastation. Highest river levels for 40 years they are saying.....
We have all of these too! I am NOT a city person, prefer smaller towns, less but nicer people, more great outdoors.
Current location pop just over 5k, previous was about that when we moved there, but is over 12k now.
I bought land a while back and planned to build/move there, but that plan was ditched. Too expensive to bring in power, set up well and septic AND they tax ALL income, even SS! Tax rate for purchases also higher, so nope. Pop there is 978! That might not even qualify as a village! Town records office and PO share the same building and records office is only open a few days a week, not full days.
Figured wife would need to be tested, but should be easy enough. IT contract? SO many large companies have outsourced various depts, like security, IT, nursing staff, etc. There are also MANY smaller companies who can't maintain an IT staff, but need the services... Ya never know.
As for vaca, typical starting level is 2 weeks. Usually after a given time, you get more. I was up to 4 weeks, plus we have various holidays (every company had different ones, but usually about 9-10 days) and some have personal/sick days as well. Smaller companies, depends on how well they are doing! No clue what it is all like now. I was pushed out by the jerk running our group. I do know that shortly after I was hired the "pension" was replaced by 401k (retirement) perks, We all could have 401k, but new hires would only get something more there and no pension. Pensions are going the way of the dodo bird...
I think pretty normal in the UK is 20 days plus Bank hols to start. Some are 25 days. I know my wife is up to 33 days now.....