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Paul,

My husband is working from home now due to coronavirus. Not sure how long it will last here. The company decided it was best. Our governor has made several additional changes in our area. Places that stayed open all night are now closing at 9:00. They are limiting the amount of people eating in restaurants and so on, anyone over 60 is being asked to self quarantine.
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NHWM- I'm no expert on that subject. I do know in general men's sense of smell is not as good as women's. Also, if you have sinus problem, you can't smell well either, like when you have a cold/flu. I always make fun of my husband's nose because he can't smell much, to which he says: "yeah, but I have a classic Greek nose."
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Well, maybe with Dads sense of smell but surely he knows its not cool what he does?

Yep I work for a government organisation here in the UK. WFH for however long now then. Kids are still in school though.....

Wife feeling guilty. She badly hurt her knee a few weeks ago. Got an op booked next week. She wants to go back to work to help out (shes a nurse) but she can hardly walk at the moment with her knee.
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Sorry your wife is hurting, Paul. The schools here have switched to online classes.
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Sense of smell may not have changed. Some people just get used to their own odors and don't notice it. The nonchalant attitude about wiping up is probably not new either. Some people have no consideration for property of others, esp rental stuff (as well as no consideration how much they impose on the good will of others... take take and MORE take!)

Hopefully they will be able to do wife's operation, and she won't "catch" anything there (does it require a stay or can she go home after it is done?) They do need all the healthcare people they can get!

Work from home becoming common here, but that doesn't help everyone. My son was told to work at home for several weeks (but has an ITish job, so will need to go in sometimes), my YB said for a few days as someone who knew someone who might have been "infected" has driven them all out so they can "clean". Daughter can't really work from home - dispatch for emergency services (PD, fire, EMT)...

I am surprised to hear your schools are still open - although it doesn't seem to affect kids as much, they can still be carriers and contribute to the spread! My dentist office (called re bill) is shutting down for 3 weeks or more, so I called mom's eye place (mac degen treatments) about her 4/2 appt (AL is likely shut down anyway), and first words from them was THEY are rescheduling everyone, so that's that.

Now that the TP hoarders have wiped out (haha, no pun intended, but it works!) the supply, they are buying up all the pet supplies (chewy is out of stock for many of my autoship items!) P-A-N-I-C!!! I have enough food for me and the 10 little indians (albeit stuff they didn't really want so it hasn't been used up), just very little TP left and the one main food for my 21 yo is one of the OOS items. :-( She does eat other stuff too, but that's what she eats most of - hopefully they can get more in... soon...
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Been wondering about the 'Dad who cried wolf'.. if he actually gets the CV, no-one would believe him 🤔

My sister is sort of opposite. Says "It's fine" & maybe it is (for now) but with zero ability to plan ahead, the calls will start to come once her groceries/meds run out & carers don't arrive.

Give us all strength.
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Yeh I work in IT. I may have to go into the office occasionally but its only 20 mins with no traffic. Talks is 3-4 months....

Kids are still in school yes. Not sure for how much longer though.

Beatty - I'd have to see the test results before I believed Dad to be honest. Hes lied pretty much constantly last few years.

If he genuinely had it, he probably wouldn't tell anyone in case it meant we couldn't visit though - he would not give a monkeys about passing it to someone else.
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Well I've been waiting for it and half expected it. Hes been trying to get me to visit him more. I've had comments like "expected to see you this weekend", "thought you'd have had time to see me".

He said on the phone, "Oh you'll HAVE to visit at least once a week now because this is getting worse, someone needs to look after me". As I've said before, he does not need looking after, and I can't even remember the last time he got his own groceries/shopping. Whats changed? Again hes using this crisis for his own ends....

He then started asking me about my wife and how her knee is. I got suspicious and said yes shes having an operation next week. I could not believe what he said then....

He said "Oh I suppose she'll expect you to ferry her around in the car afterwards then?", "I'd expect her to cancel this because you've got me to look after, can't she wait a few months?"

Just WOW. I just didn't know what to say. This is a low even for him.....
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Paul,

That is awful. He is speaking about your wife! Unreal, truly selfish of him to expect you to neglect your wife. Wow...

You know that your family comes first. Let him call your brother.
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"Just WOW. I just didn't know what to say. This is a low even for him....."

Paul - seems you are trained to not talk back to your dad no matter how unreasonable, or how wrong he is. IT IS TIME TO CHANGE.

I'm not talking about you explaining to him why you can't do what he asks. I'm talking about you telling him straight up what a selfish a-hole he is, and that he can take his demands and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.

He makes me mad.
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Paul,

Your dad’s response caught you off guard. I get that. It’s one of those things where you can’t believe someone would even think such a thing, let alone speak it out loud.

You know what though? He doesn’t think. Absolutely no filter. He just blurts out anything and expects you to take it. Don’t fall for it. Let him whine to someone else.
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Just Wow!

"Yes Dad, someone DOES need to take care of you.

That person is YOU.

And if you can't look after yourself then you need to move into a HOME.

You need to move into a HOME".

Repeat repeat repeat.

There really is no need to explain your life, family or work to him anymore. He has no empathy. Whether cognitive decline, TIAs or personality - same result. Selfish. Maybe he can help it - maybe he can't. But the end result is the same.

"Dad, start looking for an old people's home, sign the papers & arrange to move yourself in.

I will come & visit you THERE".
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paul: He makes ME mad and he's not even my father! Wow. Sheesh - That is just being selfish on his part.
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Yeah I'm boiling mad too 😡 but that's also coz I'm a step away from a similar situation - of having other's responsibility continually pushed onto me. You want to push it my way? I CAN PUSH BACK!!
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Beatty: I hear you! That was me, too, before my mother died - insisting on living alone. And good luck to you, Beatty 💞💞
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Paul,

I saw on the news where Harrah’s casino here closed. Our neighbors in the Mississippi are shutting down their casinos on the coast. Wonder if your dad’s betting shops will close.
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Paul, he's been watching the news. And he's not wrong, is he - non-essential surgery is being cancelled, though he may have missed the part when they said it isn't all about looking after him.

So as she won't be off work, and given that as a frontline health care professional she has high exposure, and she is a member of your household - sorry, it's out of the question. You won't be seeing him for months.
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CM,

Same here. Our doctors are saying elective surgeries or non emergency surgeries should not be a priority at this time.

Here we are expected to self quarantine after 60. I am 64. My husband is 65. No telling how long it will last. Day by day changes going on now. More and more restrictions.
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CM - its private treament (Nuffield Health). At the moment, the op is still on. Of course, if they start to take over private hospitals for use by nhs it will be off.

Yeh I wish I could tell him that - I dont think he'd care about the risks...

Its a tough one. She was REALLY disappointed she couldnt work because she wanted to help but, in reality, she can only just about walk and driving is not great. There is no way she can work to be honest. Best option seemed to be to get the op sorted if possible...
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NeedHelp - who knows? He did tell me that at the moment, horse racing is continuing but with no crowds.
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<sigh> yeh I know. He sucks the life out of me.

In all honesty, hes fine. He can look after himself no problem. He can cook, wash himself, dress etc. Yes his mobility is limited (apart from when he needs to go to the betting shop!) but hes pretty good for his age.

Its all in his head of course....

Oh thats really annoyed me though. How dare he try to tell me what to do with regards to my wife? Honestly can't believe today that he actually said that.

Thing is so obvious what he does now. Moans for weeks that I dont come to visit every sunday, tries a few guilt trips, doesnt work, then uses something else to try and get his own way.
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Had a think (now my anger has subsided). Been for a swim after work actually. Local pool still open (for now). I was the only person in it!! 3 in the outside pool, 1 toddler & Mum in the kiddies pool, & me - peacefully enjoying the entire inside pool to myself! Usually it is massively crowded with toddlers, kids swimming lessons, teens hanging out, the lap swimmers & aqua aerobics. Just sooo weird.

Anyway... I think just live your life & let him live his. Support your wife with her op, enjoy your kids, they may need extra help to natigate this new world we find ourselves in 😔

His world touches your world, what, every 2nd Sunday for a visit? And a phone call here & there? He can live in his fantasy world where he is Master & you are his servant - it's just his fantasy.
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Beatty - Im working on NOT getting annoyed. Thats my problem at the moment.....

Trouble is he will not give in EVER. Hes like terminator. If one plan doesnt work he moves to the next - he MUST get me to do it somehow.

EVERY phone call I dont want to make now because it ends up the same way. Dad trying a guilt trip, Dad making a stupid comment, Dad talking badly about my wife, Dad making out hes the illest person int he world.
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Here is an idea. Stop calling. For a bit anyway. At least until the urge to strangle him subsides.
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Paul - I've calmed down.

I'm glad you're working on NOT getting upset and let his babbling nonsense rolls off your back.

There is another way to handle your dad. How good an actor are you?

Next time, he starts out with his wolf cries, or unreasonable demands or uncalled for comments about your wife or kids, you can laugh and laugh hysterically, and tell him (after catching your breath): "Oh, dad! You're funny. I love your humor. Hahaha. Have a good day. I'll talk to you later/next week." Then hang up. That'll throw him for a loop and he won't know what to do with your compliment.
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polarbear said: "I'm not talking about you explaining to him why you can't do what he asks. I'm talking about you telling him straight up what a selfish a-hole he is, and that he can take his demands and shove them where the sun doesn't shine."

I second the motion! Maybe add 'If you need help, hire someone! I QUIT!'

I think if that was said to me, I might have been so taken aback that I would be speechless at the time (has only happened once or twice in my life!), but once I recovered, I would light up and tell him like it is (see above), hang up or leave and NOT have ANY contact for WEEKS, if not months.

If you don't call, block his number and pretend you have no dad, you can focus on helping your wife (and kids.) I do hope her surgery goes as planned and works out well. Elective surgery, to me, is something you can wait for, at least for a while. If she is in a lot of pain and unable to get around, I wouldn't consider that "elective."

Best you can hope for is some kind of gov't lock down - THAT would be something I would respond to his requests with, as it isn't my decision. No can do, army would arrest or shoot me. Food can be delivered, everything else is FINE! (click)

Funny, my mother does have dementia, and her hearing is bad, so I just wrote a little note at the end of my last visit saying they will be keeping us out because there is a bad cold going around (she wouldn't likely understand any more than that.) She read it, looked at me and said "I feel fine, I don't have a cold." On that note, see you soon mom, gotta run! Not a NH, but they did lock down, so we can only bring necessities to the door, no visiting.

Oi, what a prick your dad is. Have often asked, can we divorce our families???
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Disgustedtoo,

Oh, how I wish you could bottle that advice. I was one of the fools that tried to reason with my ‘set in her way’ mom. You are smart to know and accept your mom’s capabilities. I kept thinking it was ‘my’ failure in not communicating properly but in reality it was ‘her’ stubbornness!

Took me FOREVER to figure out that I couldn’t reason with her and I wasn’t even dealing with any form of dementia in her situation. My mom is stubborn like Paul’s dad is.

I truly feel for anyone dealing with dementia. In my opinion that is the biggest challenge.

Parkinson’s is rough, but my mom has all her faculties concerning her mental abilities.

Oh well, I burned out after caregiving in my home for 15 years and I had to surrender my responsibilities, handed the whole situation over to my brother who criticized but didn’t help. Backfired on him and mom.

They drove me away. I couldn’t take anymore. Mom’s doctors always praised my care. That’s what happens when a person is pushed too far though.

Anyway, I so love your approach of acceptance of your situation. You realize the reality of it all. Had I accepted rather than try to reason, I would have saved myself loads of stress that led to high blood pressure and other issues as well.

At least I went to therapy and figured out what direction to go in.

I agree with Polar also. Paul has every right to tell his dad about his behavior which is extremely selfish.

I don’t deny that Paul’s dad may need assistance from time to time, everyone does but he can’t keep relying on Paul for everything. He has to learn to look elsewhere for support. Plus, most times Paul’s dad is crying wolf. It’s sad.

No one minds helping others for legitimate reasons when we are able to do so. I think everyone naturally becomes annoyed if we feel taken advantage of though. People should be as considerate as they can be when asking others for a favor. Some people aren’t considerate at all. They are selfish, only caring about themselves. They don’t incorporate the concept of ‘give and take.’
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Paul,

I think you have the right attitude. It’s not worth placing a lot of energy into your dad’s life and getting rattled over his foolishness. Not worth it. You have a lovely wife and two children. Enjoy your family.

There is no negotiation with your dad. He’s very stubborn. So, live life for you and your family. Take care, Paul.
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All - I've given up expecting any sort of reasonable behaviour from him. Its pointless getting annoyed to be honest......

Wish I could be better at not letting it affect me and telling him straight....

I'd LOVE to block him and ignore him. I know what would happen though - he would literally call the police and get them to come around. Hes done similar before.

IF I miss one phone call at normal time by an hour hes all "Oh I thought something bad had happened to you!" What? Its just so suffocating to be honest.

Remember the time I was ill with a chest infection. I couldnt speak literally. I told him I'd call him in a day or so but I was staying in bed to rest. He called me literally 50 times next day, then got my brother to facebook me, then to insult me and then my wife because we were "selfish because hes worried about you"

ONE DAY this was and its an emergency because HE WANTED TO KNOW. Its all anxiety with him that he can;t leave it alone. BUT I get it directed towards me.
After all, I'm a healthy 50 odd year old fella I aint dying from a chest infection. My wife was there at home and shes a nurse ! BUT NO he had to know what was going on.

Now imagine blocking his number and how he'd react after 3 days? He would do WHATEVER it takes to get hold of me somehow,

His excuse "BUT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU". Its his justification for "I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL"
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Although I have, in the past, told him, politely that his behaviour has been bad.

Hes either looked at me like I'm alien - WHAT? I'VE DONE NOTHING
or hes apologised a few times. Then 3 days later gone back to exactly the same. EVERY TIME.

He doesn't get why my wife doesn't see him. Hes done nothing as far as hes concerned. So why is she being so unreasonable?

He honestly thinks hes the most easygoing, easiest to deal with, nicest Dad anyone could have. And he think he never asks for much just wants a "little" help and hes so grateful. Yeah right.
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