Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
He is so selfish over this. I've told him these people are probably very busy because of increased demand, the office is probably closed. They normally collect money weekly - they've obviously decided to do it this way because its easier.
Quite why Dad thinks he deserves special treatment because he doesnt like this plan is beyond me.
I know whats going through his head based on past experience. What if they forget about me? I'll get in trouble because I haven't paid? What if they send the police around because I didn't pay?
Hes like this. When he was more mobile (until I talked him into paying via the bank) he'd get his electricity bill and be outside the post office at 9am (the post came early) paying the bill "just in case they needed it straight away". Thats Dad for you. He was out with me once and ran down the road at full speed because a fire engine drove past us - it could have been going to one of 200 locations. Dads answer "it could have been my house on fire"
I've tried to calmly explain many times in the past. You can't live with "what ifs" like this. Or expect others to jump because of it. Of course, I think theres deffo an element on anxiety/depressions here but he'll never see this.
Mainly because he cannot be bothered to sort out his hearing aid, or, even spend any money getting a more advanced one. (Its free on the NHS but my understanding is they are the basic ones - you can get much better ones if you pay).
Hes tried some good ones in the past. Remember he wanted me to phone his GP to make a complaint because they refused to come out to visit him. (After he'd tried to call them out for about the 10th time in 2 weeks).
Even if he does and even if they do, it's your word against theirs - sorry dad, this is exactly what happened and I'm sticking with it! YOU become the broken record.
Not sure if he generally pays in cash, but right now no one wants ANY cash payments! If he is so intent on paying, he KNOWS how much the cost was (for now, forget the increase) and can pay that by check or CC. He doesn't need a bill to make the payment! But, that would be sensible, wouldn't it? Oops, forgot who we're dealing with for a moment...
But certainly use the POA business whenever you can - makes for a good excuse. With all his anxieties, sorry dad they are cracking down and will only talk with the subscriber! In general that is true. The only time it wasn't is making changes to billing address for mom when I took over her financials. They didn't care where the bill gets sent, so long as it gets paid! Even the town, when I called to get the amount of one quarterly tax bill (had copies of the other 3 but needed that one for taxes) - when I just explained the situation SHE offered to change the billing address! No POA was needed for any of these, other than the CC (and they were PITAs about it - I think it has to do with adding "digital" access to POAs, as those drawn up a while ago didn't cover these issues!)
And its internet payment. Hes not happy. I have ZERO problem doing this for him its easy obviously. He wants to me to phone them and pay - NO WAY - because he "doesnt trust the internet". Tough luck.
Asked me 5 times to make sure I pay it TODAY because hes had the bill for 2 days now - Jeez.....
Main topic last night though. Hes called the doctor out again! Slight pain in his side. You wouldnt think there was a pandemic and doctors were quite busy yeh Dad is back with his madeupitis again.
It just doesn't sit right with me how is with this. Sometimes I just wish there was a charge for a doctor callout because he'd never call them! He still seems to think the world revolves around him.
He'll get banned by the GP again soon like before. Trying to talk to myself and say "stay out of it, if the GP is dull enough to run back and fore to him thats their issues. If they ban him its his fault".
Sometimes he just makes me so ashamed of the way he treats people.
He could transfer the funds to you & you pay anyway it suits you? Or does he only use cheques by snail mail?
He wants to keep all the control - his usual you have to do it *my way*.
Can you sing? If you want my help, I'll do it MYYYY WAAYYY.
He just refuses to believe me that, honestly, its a valid way to pay. He wont listen to anyone and thinks he knows it all.
He doesnt even use cheques. I call him charlie cash. He thinks all cards should be banned and no-one allowed to use them because "I dont see the point thats what cash is for".
He's a worry wart isn't he? I'd maybe transfer the funds out of his bank straight away, but pay his bills via internet banking at my leisure.
My Aunt would help a little with her Mother's bills & cheques. When it became a lot, she said get a Financial POA. Either I'm it or not - but it should be done right. G'ma was happy to sign & trusted her family to pay bills after that. But she had a reasonable, common sense, trusting nature.
With the more *independant* types in my lot (ie control freaks!) I put my foot down early. If I don't have the title of Financial POA, then I don't do your finances. End of.
Thing is I've got bills to pay, work to do, family to look after etc. If it takes me 2-3 days to pay his bill he ain't gonna suddently get a court summons BUT he doesnt see it this way.
I guess its an old fashioned thing - not liking "owing" money to anyone,
You KNOW you're going to do it, he doesn't need to know it might be in a day or 2, or a week, so long as it is paid before the due date or in sufficient time that another bill isn't generated. He asks, you say "All set dad!"...and move on.
This is especially easy if he doesn't use online banking, won't call the place himself and only sees what goes in/out of his account when the monthly bank statement arrives. No clue otherwise!
Todays "its the end of the world" drama is a slight leak from his bathroom. Yes its got to be sorted and I am happy to report it to the housing association people who I guess have maintenance people for emergencies.
Telling Dad to be patient is no chance. Today he told me "I can't sleep, I've seen this leak, what am I going to do!!!!!!". Its WAY OTT. Reminded him it could be worse he could be dying in hospital of Covid. Lets get some perspective here Dad - its an annoyance but not the end of the world and it will be sorted.
Never has there been someone more appropriate for not living on his own to be honest.
And further news, find out my stupid brother has taken out in the car yesterday. Jeez. From monday, the rules in wales are you can drive 5 miles and meet someone outdoors. NOT pick them up in your car!
Dads answer - well we didnt go near anyone. I don't know whos the dullest. You're literally a foot away from your son in the car - what if hes got it! OMG they're both so thick.
Its silly this 5 mile but it works out well for me. I'm 20+ miles away.
As for the emotional guilt trip and "end of the world" drama, my grandmother does it to me, too. I know it's hard but stand your ground. You need time to yourself because it's crucial to take care of yourself. Us caregivers, we are just one person. We can't be there 24/7, doing everything. It's impossible. We need to have time for ourselves to shower, do things around the house, go to jobs, and yes, even have some fun so we can mentally decompress and not go psychotic from all the stress.
Caregiving is a team effort, not a solo project.
''''paulfoel123
May 26, 2020
disgusted - yeh ignoring him on full tilt now.
He gets "meals on wheels". When this started the said no more cash payments, we'll sort out a bill in time....''''
One of this dad's latest "rants" was that he wasn't getting a bill and demanded that paul call them and pay it. Though he has some physical issues (not a lot) he could call them himself. His dad has plenty of food in addition to the meals on wheels, and would be quite capable of making the phone call and/or paying the bill, it is just his way of trying to control/take over paul's existence!
Of course, gets him 2 things then. Save money and I have to visit more to get him food. Not happening.
Unfortunately, brother and I dont speak - long story. So no team effort. He does what he wants I do what I want.
Yes. Otherwise you would be at beck & call for Dad AND Brother. Yikes!
Been there, done that. Ripped up that play book.
Rip that up and BURN it!
I know I have posted elsewhere, not sure if I have in this thread, but all too often siblings (or other family members) just work against you, if they participate at all. I am thankful my OB lives 2 days drive from here. His last trip up to help clear out mom's condo so we could sell it brought back (clearly it never went away, it was just "sleeping") his former abusive self. I am done with him. I don't need that kind of crap from a 65+ yo 'man'. YB isn't far behind, although he was never physically abusive. Sometimes he doesn't respond to important issues, sometimes he forgets and doesn't show or arrives too late, and most recently was very snarky, bordering on verbal abuse. I can arrange transport for local medical/dental needs, but her Macular Degeneration treatments are outside that range and I can't support her weight (she won't stand/walk on her own now), so I need him to take her to these. It is only 4x/year and he makes it sound like he's giving up his existence to do this! I have given up over a year and a half dealing with the condo, and more like 5 years ensuring she had what she needed while still in the condo and then managing her finances and medical appointments (including those distance appts until she stopped walking), and advocating for/visiting her for 5 years!
Once mom has passed, I will consider myself an only child! All I wanted from them was to work with me to ensure mom was cared for and help clear/clean/fix the condo so we could sell it. Most of the work, including staying in touch with mom at her MC, falls on me. I am okay with that (got over being angry with their lack of interest and commitment as I realized that anger only hurts me!), but I am not okay with physical and verbal abuse.
Just because we share parents doesn't necessarily make us "compatible." It is baffling that multiple people can be raised in the same environment but end up so different. I do realize everyone has their own mind, but still, one would think there would be some shared values. Not always the case, so for anyone else out there finding themselves baffled, it is all too common, and it likely isn't anything you did or did not do!
After a few nasty exchanges where I basically said no way can I commit to what either Dad or he wants, and he got very abusive, I've had no contact with him for about 9 months now.
And long may it last!
Same upbringing - hes had jobs, partners, kids left right and center. No home of his own, awful financial record. Me on the other hand, college educated, doing well at work, nice house, 2 nice kids, married almost 25 years so far.
We just live in different worlds....
That was the straw that broke the camels back and why I'm no contact with him now.
His idea was that his wife went to see my Dad to help him, (remember 1 mile away, no kids, no job) so my wife had to "step up and do her bit" at the weekends. We discussed and I basically said we're both in completely different situations, so you do what you can do and I'll do likewise.
I also said Dad doesn't need help every day like this - hes fine but he disagreed. (I've always said if you ask Dad if he wants you to wipe his butt he'll let you do it then expect it every time thereafter because you've done it once. He tried it with me when we went away once in a hotel - wanted me to come in the shower and wash him - Ewwww! Bearing in mind he copes fine at home the rest of the year)
Anyway, brother didn't like this. Gave me full story about the problems his wife had with her own father. Not relevant. He was surprised when I said "thats not really my business, you don't need to justify to me". He didn't accept that.
So he didn't listen and in the end, sent me a "rota" believe it or not for when she had to visit him. Crazy or what. It was like - me 1st saturday, my wife 2nd saturday, his wife 1st thursday.
Totally ignoring the fact that she works weekends a lot and you all know the other stuff we've got going on. BUT, he couldn't comprehend that, at the end of the day, hes not HER Dad and has no responsibility for him
His wife did it so my wife had to. When I said no, thats when he decided to contact her directly and tell her how selfish she was. She hadn't even been the one to say no - I had!
So not heard from him for about 6 months now. Its great. Dad has sort of worked out we're not speaking and is not happy. Hard luck.
Brother sound a bit like Dad to you? Yeah. I've decided and this is happening.
You know, hearing the recap of his bully tactics now I must say, what awfully good boundaries you have! The F.O.G. all lifted. No trace of guilt for not obeying his requests.
Chip off the old block, eh? BIG chip off that block! Sure, he can demand you do this, but his own flesh and blood (kids?) wow, what a super-d... Plus no savings himself (guess he didn't get ALL of dad's genes), no house, what's he going to have to live on when he can no longer support himself? Certainly NOT his brother....
"I've volunteered to do everything X needs after an op. But I think YOU should help out too & should come & do *insert jobs* on *insert days*"
"You didn't tell me you'd be away! Can you change your holiday dates? I'll be away then too & I need you to mind my pets".
"I want you to go to Y's every Sunday to hang out Y's washing".
"Z will need help at the Doctor's to collect a specimen. The appointment has been made for *insert time*".
I kid you not - these are attempts made to roster mine & DH's time from 4 different relatives. That boundaries book saved my sanity.
Paul, your brother is not the only one!
I AM happy to help sometimes but not to be penciled in. Help should be offered, not taken for granted.
Very similar with the YOU SHOULD I see. Brother deffo sees is as duty to be done.
Yes Dad doesnt like my wife much. In a nice way, shes not forgiving. Im soft a bit and I guess Dad know it. When my dear wife gets involved he gets zero slack.
Yes brother is not like Dad with money. Thats strange. Hes now 51 years old, rents an apartment in a caravan sales place off a "mate". Got 3 kids from 2 previous partners, been divorced got no kids with her, and just got married again.
I dont you if guys have the same saying, "I wouldnt pee on him if he was on fire" lol.
Many years ago got burned when he got into financial trouble. Dad asked me to help. He was going to lose his house, car the lot. So I went along to court and to finance people. All his fault of course.
Anyway, finance company wanted £200 up front NOW or the car was gone. This was 25 years ago. I was not flush with money at all. That was like a weeks pay or more. Stupidly I paid and he said he'd pay me back.
Guess what happened. Never got the money. Ever. I'd see him in the pub drinking. All I ever got was "next week".
Dad knew about this. But hes the golden child. Dad offered to pay his debt for him but I told him to stuff it.