Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Variety is the spice of life! Without it life can become boring. 😊
Lockdown over in wales (for now) so back to see Dad this week. Wish me luck!
Wife has had a bit of an argument with her mother. If you remember shes been coming up 3-4 days a week. It was all getting too much but wife felt sorry for her. Until she found her sister and 2 brothers had also been inviting her to stay but she seems to prefer us - bit unfair of us to take all the burden. Wife exploded a little!!!!
I went for a hearing test this weekend. Failed. Need hearing aid. Old age but I'm only 52. Not cheap either - £1500+
Oh and wife needs teeth done. Implants. Even worse. £2500 per tooth. and theres 2.
Now I think you lot of ungrateful collonials need to let us British take over again until you can be trusted to run elections properly ;-) ha ha
Got home around 4 and started putting dinner together and getting ready for his zoom surprise birthday. I got the whole family on the zoom event. I planned this for 3 weeks emailing everyone. At 5 I got online got everyone on and had him log on to his PC as a surprise. All in all it was very nice since he hasn't seen many of them in years and got to chat. I ran back and forth between rooms and PCs and all the time my wife was getting dinner ready.
Long story shorter, Made his dinner, fresh oysters shucked, fresh Maine lobster and grilled Filet Minong.... and cake and ice cream. Can’t say I didn’t try. He did say he appreciated the zoom and the dinner..... OK I think I am good for a few years. Siblings didn’t do anything, except show up on zoom, not even sure they sent a card. No balloons or a gift or any kind of recoginition for him but they were able to drink while on zoom...... Anyhow I'm not looking for a pat on the back, I did my part as the dutiful son and can breathe that I didn't let a milestone go by. It pretty much was as much work as doing a regular party. So my guilt has been lifted and wanted to show the family that hes not in prison like he lets on to them.
You sound like a good organizer and a great cook! Very thoughtful of you.
Here are my responses to both your comments--
1) Hearing aids--these have to be one of biggest "rip-offs" around (and the person/practice prescribing is probably the one selling them, too!). You might want to look on Amazon under "hearing devices"--most of which cost a small fraction of that price. If you aren't concerned as to how inconspicuous it is, you can probably save a lot of money. (I used to joke that if ended needing one, I'll get an ear horn, regardless of how silly it might appear to others!) In addition, at least in the States there are advertisements in newspapers for devices costing about 20% of what you've given. If you get one that looks like a BlueTooth (or whatever the latest is), no one is likely to be the wiser, especially if you let your hair grown over it.
2) I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of suggestions regarding dental work. Over on this part of the world is a little "village" on the Mexican side of the border, just south of where California and Arizona meet, called "Molar City" full of dentists who charge less than the going rates in the US, and many people migrate from states farther away to have dental work done there, and from what I've read they are competent dentists. However, your travel expenses would probably offset much of the savings, and the COVID-19 situation would also come into play.
3) Sometimes I envy the British government--having a Sovereign means that regardless of how childish and quarrelsome the elected representatives get and how petty the rivalries among politicians become while trying to advance their respective careers. there is an "adult" on the throne who has the best interests of the nation in mind. No political system is perfect (and there is always the possibility of having an evil person on the throne although I don't foresee that happening, at least not within my lifetime), but the British system has certainly been "time-tested".
Thanks for offering for the British to take over. 😊
I have British ancestry, also Scottish, Irish, French, Spanish and German. I have been working on my family tree for awhile, it’s fun.
We have had so much conflict in America. It’s embarrassing but hopefully things will settle down soon. It certainly would be nice that no matter what side anyone was on, there could be peace, respect for each other and harmony.
Yep, hearing aids and dental work cost a fortune! My mom paid quite a bit for just one hearing aid. One ear could not benefit from a hearing aid. One aid cost close to $3000.
Hope it gets sorted out with your MIL and good luck with visiting your father.
Take care!
Yup, hearing aids are ridiculously expensive. I don't know why prices haven't gone down given the technology has been around for a long time. If it makes you feel better, I, too, have some hearing loss in my left ear. And I'm a few years younger than you.
Hear! Hear! To the Young and Hearless!
Me too. I’ve had hearing loss for awhile. I went to a ton of rock concerts as a kid!
I was the kid who blasted Led Zeppelin and other favorite musicians on my stereo and drove my parents crazy.
My parents used to threaten to break my albums if I didn’t turn down the music. Paying for it now with hearing loss!
Seriously, tg, are you content with your situation? If not, do you want anything to change?
There is not much I can do, dad has no resources and I am the only one who stepped up to the plate when he asked 7 years ago. I have the resources and room. Is it prefect? No but its is what we as children are to do to care for our parents. He can't travel any longer. I have pretty much taken driving away from him as its not safe. he has great living accommodations here.
I miss having time with my wife and privacy. I am angry I am missing out on my years but its what I have to do. My siblings don't care and don't help. They are 8 hours away so that is part of it. If we were in the same home town it would be different but I am the one who moved away 25 years ago and the one dad wanted to live with as we get along better than the sibs.
I only have myself to blame because i could have said no when he asked to live with me and there was no choice.
This is just me venting, I have been getting better with all the stress and anxiety. Trying to calm myself down so I don't blow a gasket. It is a day to day thing caring for him. It is just my wife and I got 2 years to live empty nest.
The medical part is manageable but time consuming and the fact I work at home makes it more challenging. No there are no options for him to live on his own or assisted living.
It has been a little better since he has improved over his UTI and subsequent issues related to that and his tri-geminal neuralgia. Still managing his meds and Dr appointments.
He has always been taken care of by my mom and family so as much as I do the tough love thing its still a challenge.
But a thought... when Dad has a rant or a whinge you can now stare off into the distance "Oh sorry? Where you talking? I didn't hear you. Having some hearing issues" ha ha
Re MIL. Even though blow-ups are never pleasant, they can be illuminating. Your wife found her Mother prefers your place? While that's nice (for her) the question that popped into my head was Why? Is it fear of being alone in this time of Covid? Just likes the company? Or considers your wife to be her best pillow to land softly on? Hmm which child will look after me best? The Nurse. Done. Move in.
Add her name to the list at an Assisted Living place - right under Dad's.
I take it that MIL will now visit the others? Great stuff! Reinforcement for making changes!
Well first visit for a good few weeks to visit Dad tonight. Wish me luck! National lockdown in wales ended monday (although england started last week until december!)
Hes already off on one though. "what time will you be here?" "Dont be late". Jeez. My life is a rush from one thing to the next with work, kids etc. and hes going nowhere.
MIL situation escalated a bit. Shes not been here for a few weeks now.
She tried playing the "I'm so ill" card but my wife, being a nurse, is up for that one. She was mildly ill but then refused to listen, to take medication etc. Then she had the "ill voice" on the phone (her illness was nothing to do with her voice). So wife said "well if you're not well you better stay home". backfired a bit.
She since found out that all this time MIL has been playing the "im so lonely" card, shes been turning down offers of visits/stays etc from wifes two brothers and sister. It turns out they are totally annoyed too the way shes been.
So Beatty, you're right she was choosing us as best option. Wife is mad, mad, mad at this because its been hard. 4 days a week and she could have stayed a day or two and then taken up another offer but no. She made it worse by trying to use our 7 year old as an excuse "but she needs to see me and always asks where I am". Ummm of course, but not 4 days out of 7.
Wife told her mother - Shes 7, if you told her the easter bunny was coming to stay she'd start her happy dance
She knows now. Wifes brother has, in effect, told her whats what. So they're not really speaking. I didn't want to upset MIL, but I'm glad the "I'm ill I'll have to come and stay" has been batted back.
I can see "Dad signs" here. Someone pray for us!
Last independence day they printed out a card and put it on his desk saying
"Happy Ungrateful Colonials Day"
MIL has borrowed Dad's play book! Prayers needed indeed!! Surely there is a Patron Saint of adult children of dependant elders?
Seriously, maybe it is time for *the talk* with both Dad & MIL. Keep it casual or go serious.. "I think it's important to know your wishes. If you become disabled or require long term care - where do you plan to live?”
Anyone else just received a blank owl look, or just me?
PS Good luck for the visit Paul 🍀🍀🍀
That’s funny! What was his reaction?
Quite a different vibe, Wales and Philadelphia.
Your wife sounds capable of handling her mom. Hope all goes well with your visit to see your dad.
So, she's worn hearing aids for a long long time. It was okay until the hearing was so bad in one ear it wasn't useful to have the hearing aid. She would only wear one, and it was on the left, which made for some issues at appts, because too many exam areas are set up for the right side. Then becoming forgetful, she'd not replace the battery. After moving to MC, she did okay with it for a while. I was there often enough that I could intervene with the battery (I did ask them to make a point to replace it every 2 weeks, per her provider, but that didn't happen.) Then she'd not have it in. I'd search for it, find it on the floor under her bed or bedside table, on the table, a few times on or in the bed. It was a matter of time before it went through the laundry. >SIGH<
Got her a new pair (thankfully her non-Medicare insurance covers a big chunk every 3 years and we were at year 3!) It was a bit more than 2500 (benefit is 2500), but that was for a pair and he set up both for the left side, giving us a spare. They were rechargeable, so I gave the charger to the nurse so it wouldn't go missing. Take it from her at night, recharge and give it back in the morning.
Sho 'nuff, within a few months #1 went AWOL. She kept taking it out, so it likely got wrapped in tissue or a napkin and tossed. We got the other one set, but they kept taking it away from her when she'd take it out. They wouldn't help cover the minimal cost to replace the lost one, so I decided if they lose this one, we're done. No point spending money on something that will just sit in the nurse's office!
I do know there are many places one can get hearing aids and costs vary a lot! I also know that when mom would get hers from the audiologist, it was more money, but there was also a grace period of sorts, where if you didn't like it, you could get something else. Not sure how things work on your side of the pond, but I would search around. The type of hearing aids that will work can also be highly dependent on the type of hearing loss. Thankfully I have no loss as yet. The docs recommended checking me many years ago, because her condition can be inherited and with each kid, for some reason, it can get worse! Huh? What'dja say??? ;-)
Implants also are not cheap, but I kept my "high option" dental plan through work. The cost where I've gone has actually come down a bit. I had one done many years ago and it was over 3k. Price is similar. This time it was a little less. Much of the cost was covered by my dental plans. The crowns didn't get as much coverage, but the plans still paid for themselves! If her cost covers the crown, DEAL! Would I get another? Depends on the location.
My dentist just retired (80yo! Virus played a part in that), so I plan to find another local to where I am now. Been with him since mid-80s, so I put up with the long drive (okay when working and mom lived in her condo, not so much now!) I have to go there tomorrow as a back filling fell out Sunday night (same office staff, new dentists) and will go again in a week or so for a final cleaning (missed the first one due to virus.) Then, off to find another dentist!
Do you have tinnitus along with your hearing loss? I do. Constant ringing in my ears. I usually don’t notice it too much if there is noise around. At night when it’s quiet and I am trying to sleep, it can be bothersome.
I went to the doctor for my tinnitus in my 20’s. The doctor said it was caused by all of the loud music that I listened to. I attended tons of loud rock concerts, usually near the stage.
MIL is worse at the moment. Wife spoke to her Tuesday and she was still dragging up the ill thing. So wife said "oh you better not come up to visit then". I don't think that went down well - yesterday apparently, she phoned wifes sister to say she was vomiting now.
Too much of a coincidence - all made up I think to get sympathy. To be honest, I'm glad in a way - if wife gives in then it would turn into "Im ill I better come stay with you". So its not happened.
When shes ill she doesn't listen to advice, doesn't take meds, etc. (remember my wife is a nurse) and basically plays the mega-waif. Oh and she doesn't eat either - then moans she feels faint and dizzy.
Wife is funny. She lets her get away with murder then her mother pushes it too far and thats it. This is what has happened. Trouble is she can go too far lol. The eating thing shes got ZERO sympathy for. MIL is quite capable and not ill enough to stop her eating - she just chooses to do this to get sympathy.
I did feel a bit sorry for MIL until I heard she'd been playing her kids off between each other. She told us she was lonely and the other kids never invited her anywhere (and it turns out they had been and she lied).
To be honest, I has caused arguments between my wife and I, so its hard to forgive her for imposing on us for months like she as and playing games.
MIL won't win against my wife. (hey I've been married to her for 25 years). Wife is the most stubborn, annoying person in the world. Shes nicest person in the world and way too soft to begin with (and it infuriates me) but when you get to that point (like it has now), then its all off.
I'll keep you all posted.
Every time I visited my mother at the MC place, she would always say "Where'd you come from?" and "What are you doing here?"
To the first question, I would usually say "Pluto" or "Venus" or some other planet! For the second question, the response would be "to visit you" or "bring this for you" (if I had something for her.) Once in a while I would suggest perhaps I should leave if you don't want me here?
If he pulls that "where've you been", just use a similar response. Then for the "...I've been waiting for you...", it's easy enough to say it takes time to get here from there, and sometimes there's no transport!
Don't let it irk you, make it fun for you! Be creative!
I like disgustedtoo’s idea of your dad and your mother in law getting together! LOL
She won’t be lonely and they can moan together, right?
Or would you not wish your dad on another woman? Hahaha 😂
I love your sarcasm! Hahaha 😂 It’s sort of like, ask a dumb question, then they deserve a dumb answer, right?
My dad’s brother was a character. There was a time that he brought a woman to our house from a foreign country and announced that he was going to marry her.
I remember thinking that she must be desperate to live in America if she is considering marrying my uncle! Hahaha
Guess what? She did not marry him! I suppose your dad would not ever marry again because women are simply not that desperate for a man!
Hes SO irritating. Its like hes got to control everything.
He wants to know exact time I'm going to be there. There could be a queue in supermarket, traffic, kids to sort but no he wants to know.
If I get there late, I get "I was worried about you". Arghhhhh!
I've travelled around europe with work I'm sure I can manage a 30 min drive in my own country in the daytime!!!!!!!