Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Not sure if anyone has even mentioned the do nothing option to be honest. We're all waiting for next week to see deffo whats going on to be honest.
Shes been in a few weeks now, originally they thought inflamatory bowel disease but they cant control the infections at the moment. My understanding is if they did nothing she;d go septic and that would be fatal.
Yeh shes 80 years old. I dunno. Before this she was pretty good. She has always had a bit of a longing though to go since her husband died 18+ year ago. (part of the not looking after herself - her attitude used to be I dont care now hes gone).
My wife is worried that if the options are bag, and/or she can't live at home then she wont go for it.
I am really sad. Yes she can be very annoying at times (not as bad as Dad) but shes nice. My daugher whos 7 absolutely adores her - I just can't even think about how upset she'd be in she goes.... :-(((((((
So sorry that you and your wife are in this situation.
It’s so hard making these decisions.
Has she expressed to your wife what she would like in a situation like this?
Back as long ago as the late 1960s I was visiting a family who needed to go on an errand while I was there, and welcomed me to use their sound system. I thanked them, and after they left, I looked at it and wondered "Now, how do I turn this on? And what are all these additional buttons and sliding switches for?" So I ended up not using it, figuring I would end up damaging something. I remembered when a phonograph had off/volume and speed switches--16, 33, 45 (with an adapter for the center), and 78, although I never saw a record requiring the 16. The "needle" was like a staple missing one of the two ends. You either put the records on one at a time, or some fancy ones allowed you to stack a few on a spindle, and they would drop one at a time. I wonder if Joe Biden, who is a decade older than I am, remembers a "record player" more basic than this!
My sister bought a new Mazda a few years ago having a manual transmission, which wasn't easy to find; maybe she's simply a "purist". I've driven a few in the past that belonged to other people, but I regret that I've never had a chance to drive one having a manual transmission "on the column". However, I'm thankful that I've had the opportunity to travel in a Martin 404--a piston-engined aircraft that first appeared in 1947; other people hated to fly in them. but I recognized it as the finale of an era that was about to end.
I wish I still had my record collection!
Wow, sound like a cool aircraft!
I love flying. I like road trips too but I love seeing the aerial views!
ITs been awful for my wife when shes been in hospital. Its just lucky they know shes a nurse and the doctor has been willing to ring her.
MIL sits there nods and says yes but hasnt got a clue. Wife told staff this and make sure she understands. Next day - nodded yes yes then didnt have a clue.
She doesnt listen and won't make a decision for herself anyway....
So sorry that your wife is going through this with her mom. It’s very sad.
NHWM--I like both flying and driving, but the former has gotten to be more of a hassle in recent years (due to 9/11) and now COVID is a factor, too. It often takes less time to drive somewhere than to fly when the extra time necessary besides the actual flight time is considered. My father flew a P-38 in the US Army Air Corps in the Pacific Theatre (Philippines and New Guinea) during WW II, so I had heard a lot about flying since I was a small child, and we used to go to the observation areas at Newark Airport during the mid-1960s to watch the planes load and unload passengers, and my father taught me about each kind of aircraft. I didn't get to fly until after my freshman year of college, in mid-1971. It looks as if 2020 will be the first year in a long time during which I haven't flown.
I just happened to catch your post.
My husband loves WWII planes. He would have loved to hear your dad's stories about flying a P-38 and my dad was in the US Army Air Corps in the Pacific Theatre too - he was in the Philippines and Okinawa - what a small world!!
You flew in a Martin 404? Wow! Please tell us more about your flying career! Were you a pilot, co-pil, flight engineer or passenger?
Are you an air show devotee?
Of course when he died she expected her kids to take over and its been a fight ever since. She just cannot be bother to be honest more than anything. Why bother to go to the effort of thinking about something when someone else can do it for you?
My Dad does this as well. Play dull and get what you want....
To be honest, when it suits her, MIL is very capable. Shes certainly very clever when she wants to be. 95% of this is just her not bothering and switching off....
GardenArtist--I must have misled you: I flew as a PASSENGER, not a pilot (even though there were often only a couple passengers on the plane designed to hold 40). I used to sit by a window across from an engine so I could watch the radial engine start up, see the exhaust manifolds glow and watch flames spew out the exhaust pipes (yellow when taking off, blue when cruising, due to rich vs lean fuel mixtures, as my father had described). My father taught me how to distinguish an air-cooled aircraft engine (such as on the Martin 404) from one that is liquid-cooled (such as on the P-38). For some reason I can't fathom, when I described the Martin 404 to my father, he was convinced I was describing a turboprop--maybe he simply couldn't believe that a piston-powered radial engine would still be used on a commercial airliner.
I've never had any kind of flight training, and with the kind of vision I've had for so many years it wasn't a likely option. I've never even flown in a small private aircraft or a helicopter.
I've been to a couple air shows, the main one being in central Pennsylvania honoring WW II veteran pilots, particularly those from that area, so they gave my father special recognition so we had a display of items and photos from his experience, and my father was sitting there to talk about it and answer questions. my father had flown various kinds of planes during training, etc., and there were a couple there with which he was familiar. There was a possibility that he would get a chance to ride in one of them, but the owner had only enough fuel to make the trip back safely to where they lived. Unfortunately, I'm interested in too many different things, so I'm limited as to what I can do for each! (BTW, Jacobson is our family name; my father was named Stephen, so when I visited older people who knew him, they only seemed to remember me as "Steve's boy".)
“ I let someone else do it”. My view these days is that if they can’t or won’t make a decision, and you have to do it, then if they don’t like what you have decided, it really is too bad. I’ve often wondered if a fair number of people in care homes are there because they couldn’t be bothered rather than because they actually needed care.
I really enjoyed reading that post, thinking of the observations being made , as well as your father's sharing of his experience at an air show. For air show lovers like my father and me, these are some of the best aspects of air shows. My father used to chat with the pilots when we went, and he'd explain aspects of the planes to me. He was a flight engineer in a B-29 during WWII.
Regarding having many interests, a considerable part of my planning for when I'm incapacitated, too old or dead is deciding what to do with what I've accumulated; I'm already in contact with museums for part of it.
GardenArtist, I'm sure your father would have a lot of interesting things to share about his experience in a B-29. That was an impressive aircraft with an equally impressive history. As you may already know, the Wikipedia article on this aircraft has a photo of the flight engineer's station on the "Bockscar" that dropped the "Fat Boy" bomb on Nagasaki.
We used to go to the airport too and stand on the observation deck to watch the planes come and go - what a shame that was taken away from us.
I used to buy my husband "Flight Journal" and "Warbirds" magazine subscriptions as a gift and I forgot that I had bought him a P-38 t-shirt along with a few others. He also likes to watch YouTuber "Kermit Weeks" videos - he owns a lot of war planes. One year, I bought him a two - volume set of "The Wright Brother's" journals.
I read him your post - he knew about the Martin 404. His biggest thrill was buying a flight in a P-51, one of his favorite planes. His uncle was a B-17 ball turret gunner and flew 30 missions - amazing he survived that many!
That's too bad that you were known just as "Steve's boy" when visiting the older men who knew your dad. Sounds like you learned a lot from him though!
Of course when he died she expected her kids to take over and its been a fight ever since. She just cannot be bother to be honest more than anything. Why bother to go to the effort of thinking about something when someone else can do it for you?"
This is where your wife and her siblings need to have a united front. Mom doesn't want to make decisions, so they all have to tell her these are your choices:
1) Do what the doctors and nurses are telling you
or
2) You move to a home so they can help you.
Hoping it doesn't come to surgery, or at least not a "bag", but if it does and she's that negligent about self care, then option #2 may be the only one. With a job and kids, your wife won't be able to provide the care needed. Siblings are probably in the same age bracket/boat. If she was better about taking care of herself in general, some assistance in her own home would probably work, but it doesn't sound like that would be the case.
As if you didn't have enough to deal with :-(
It’s good that your wife and her siblings are standing up against it. MIL probably picked on you and your family to bludge off, because of what you modeled with Dad. There’s a lesson in there – let your wife call more of the shots with your Dad. She’s getting to have the runs on the board!
Decline and death are never that great, and worse when the bad bits seem to be the product of stupid behaviors. Commiserations from Margaret
What's that saying?
Lead, Follow or Get (outta the way).
Won't follow my lead, I won't follow their half-baked plans so that leaves Get!
Just wait & see time Paul. If it is 'the bag' MIL will need to be independent with it to enable her to live alone. Many can do even they think they can't, but some really just can't. My FIL just couldn't due to hernia & awkward emergency location of the thing. But he didn't live alone & they managed as a team.
What won't fly is a plan for someone NOT living with MIL to attend to this. So NO to any plan for your wife (nurse or not) to be on call everytime it leaks, bursts or needs changing.
It is a life changing event & I hope she can avoid it.
Probably a proper psychology term out there but I'm calling these types of personalities
*Fragile Bullies*.
To be honest, her attitude is why she always ended up our house. She'd pick and choose best option. As we found out later, she was turning down offers to go to her other kids becaiuse she "preferred" us.
Luckily, all the siblings are together on this. Its good. They've all seen whats happening.
Wife always said shes got skin of a rhino though. She must know shes upset everyone but she wont change.
Yeh if she gets a bag she wont do it. Can't be bothered. She refused to cook for herself "can't be bothered and it'll get the cooker dirty" so doing a bag.....
At one point, she didnt know how to turn the tv to another channel so her son used to come around. Weird I know.