Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Your dad relates to your brother. He even feels sorry for him.
Your brother is the one that followed his example.
You were smart and created your own path. Good for you!
You are the one that has a fabulous wife and family. They missed out on that.
You may not hear ‘Happy Anniversary’ from your dad.
Wishing you a wonderfully happy anniversary!
25 years of marriage is a big deal! Happy Anniversary! 👍🥂💞🍻🍸🍷🍰🍨🍹🍺
But yes my brother is Dad. Dad does not come close to understanding my world at all nor is he interested. I often think its still 1955 in my Dads head too.
Thanks for the congrats - not till june mind. You never know!
He is SUPREMELY stubborn though and stuck in his ways... And he is also the most tight-fisted person you will ever meet.
He has set ideas what his sons should do for him and you have to put him top of the list. He religiously tries to spend no money and likes to see it in his bank account (current count about £40-50K I think).
Stubborn, won't listen to anyone, and, to be honest, is also one of the most unflexible, selfish and unintelligent people you will ever meet.
No chance of him ever paying for any sort of care, or a care home.
Heres the story with brother if you're interested.
Lived with a lady (she was ok) and they had two kids. They split up - dunno why or what the deal was. I since found out part of the story when I bumped into her a few years ago.
She moved back to her hometown (about 30 miles away) and, apparently, brother visited a few times, it got less and less, he let the kids down etc. She by this time met someone else, she hadnt heard from brother for months and they moved house.
My brother, as he does, had a 6 month twitch and realised they'd moved. Put it all over facebook, how his ex had stolen his kids etc etc. Dad asked me to help him. I found out you could go through the court and she'd pretty much have to reveal where they lived - cost £200. Didn't bother - too expensive. And Dad agreed with him! (Bear in mind he'd be out two nights a week drinking putting away easily close to £100 each night on alcohol).
Then hes with someone else. Had another kid. They split up. Again who knows.
Again, he saw the kid for a bit, let her down etc etc All got a bit unfriendly.
Now this ex apparently had a bit of a drink problem and I dont know the full story but Social Services called him and asked him to take his daughter for a few months (because of the problems the mum had). He refused and told them to put her into a home. (I remember having a massive argument with Dad because I was disgusted at this but Dad agreed with him - "how can he have her when hes got to go to work"). At the time my wife wanted us to have our niece but in the end she did go to live with her gran....
Brother is now with someone else. Recently married. Doesn't see any of his kids.
BUT, you still get the 6 monthly rant on facebook about how its so unfair, he can't even see his own kids etc etc.
One of lifes losers is my brother and I'm ashamed of them both....
My brothers lied to keep in practice! I swear, I don’t even think they know the truth anymore. They believe their own crap!
Oh, but my mother takes their word as gospel. It used to infuriate me. Until I finally figured out that I was making it harder on myself by caring.
I had intelligent people on this forum that kept telling me not to care about what they believed.
Thank goodness, the message finally got through me thick skull. Only then, did I find peace.
He may become like some of the stubborn older men & women I meet that eventually turn up in a hospital. Sometimes sadly, due to physical or cognitive decline, are unbathed, have skin issues (escoriation, ulcers, pressure injuries etc), dehydrated, malnutritioned, their medication routine all over the shop.
I used to wonder why their adult kids had walked away (so sad). Now I know why. At some point the kids just stop propping it up. For their own sanity.
I think I'd make a weekly phone call. I'd tell him to sort his regular groceries out himself but get his favorite cake or biscuits delivered once a month as a gift. I'd pay the bills (from his money) only if I held the right Financial POA. If not, sort them out yourself.
Anyway, we all have to survive this awful C-19 to make any longer term plans ☹️
Should read, ‘my thick skull’ not ‘me thick skull.’
Not spending money is so common. My mom would expect me to shop at three stores to get the best prices on every single item!
Even people with lots of money do this. My husband’s grandmother would spend $10,000 on a watch but ask for a senior citizen discount for a hamburger at lunch!
I hear that, Need!
Geeeeeez! That was her loss, right?
Its so embarrassing sometimes. Why would you scrimp on a few pounds to delay a vaccine which might just save you're life?
Its quiet funny because his Doctor surgery have said "Umm no". If you don't come here you're off the vaccine list for now and we won't know when you'll have it. Good for them I thought. Dads been ranting for a week now!
As if those poor people aren't busy enough giving out vaccines without pandering to my lazy father....
Thats my Dad I can see in some of those....
Some people feel that they are entitled!
Yeah, it’s embarrassing but more than that, it’s absolutely crazy and irrational behavior.
Old age is supposed to bring forth wisdom.
Everyone regardless of age should be cared for. The elderly and children are certainly the most vulnerable.
Elders are not superior or entitled to more. There are times that we are called to do all that we can. The medical professionals have gone above and beyond to serve the community.
So, to catch up:
"You make you're choices in life, he made his, I made mine. Deal with it."
Eggggggsactly!
""If you need a maid, get one.
If you are ill, call your Doctor. If you don't want to live alone anymore, that's OK! Move to an Old Age Home".
If his conversation can be on repeat - so can yours 😅"
Rinse and repeat, just like the shampoo bottle says (note those instructions don't say repeat once, so it could be an infinite loop!)
"No chance of him ever paying for any sort of care, or a care home."
NEVER say never. If circumstances happen that he ends up in one, he'll be paying for one, whether he likes it or agrees with it or not.
"BUT, you still get the 6 monthly rant on facebook about how its so unfair, he can't even see his own kids etc etc."
This same clown, like your dad, will be expecting them to assist him in his "old age" too!!! Expect all you want. You made your bed, lie in it.
"One of lifes losers is my brother and I'm ashamed of them both...."
No need to be ashamed. They are who they are, YOU didn't create them. My 2 brothers will soon be ex-brothers. Once the paperwork is dry and all funds are distributed, done. I may change my mind, but my plan is to send each of them AND the EC atty nasty mail at the end. Bad enough that you criticize me, don't help me, make my existence miserable, etc, but to just leave your mother in the wind is INEXCUSABLE! The atty is a different story, but he deserves nasty mail too (WHAT atty, other than our well know Ghoul here, suggests you deposit checks into your mother's account and not tell the bank she has passed???? That's just the start...)
"Its quiet funny because his Doctor surgery have said "Umm no". If you don't come here you're off the vaccine list for now and we won't know when you'll have it. Good for them I thought. Dads been ranting for a week now!
As if those poor people aren't busy enough giving out vaccines without pandering to my lazy father...."
They caught onto his game a bit a while ago. Yes, good for them - they have ENOUGH to do without pandering to a lazy ignorant old fool! You have the chance to be "first" in line, then GET IN LINE! If you don't, so be it, it was YOUR choice.
Sadly this center-of-the-universe syndrome isn't reserved for the elderly. There are WAY too many people who now believe they are the center, but they are not. Also WAY too many who think they are Einstein. Again, they are not, MOST certainly are NOT. I think some rocks have more smarts...
Dad live mid valleys - dont get much snow.... Hes got a scooter (cant be bothered to use) and of course a taxi would cost very little.
Nope, hes entitled....
Dad has such an entitled attitude its ubelievable. He will badger people until he gets what he wants.
Your dad can badger people all he wants. Others don’t have to respond the way that he wants them too.
In fact, chances are that they won’t cater to his every wish.
If he asks for unreasonable requests from others, why should anyone give in so he can have his way.
What happens if a parent gives into a screaming child throwing a temper tantrum? They become spoiled brats! Same thing with anyone of any age.
If we constantly give into unreasonable demands, we teach them if they scream or beg long enough, they will eventually get their way.
To be honest, that’s on us, not them. How do I know this? I gave into my mom way more than I should have and it took me far too long to wake up and stop doing so!
We live and learn, even if some of us had to learn the hard way.
Yes, it’s a process and unfortunately it can become a longer journey than it should be.
All we can do on this forum is tell our story and hope others gain some insight.
I wish that I could have sorted my situation out and comprehended it much sooner than I was able to. I would have had fewer headaches!
Your dad isn’t entitled to special treatment. He’ll figure that out for himself. You don’t have to argue that point with him.
The facts will speak for themselves.
Save yourself the headache of trying to reason with him.
He will surely argue with you and even enjoy the debate!
The fact that you loathe it makes it all the more fun for him. He will view it as a challenge.
Don’t play his game and you will breathe a lot easier and achieve peace for yourself.
Screw ups come with consequences. If he suffers any consequences, so be it.
We can’t live our lives trying to prevent others from making mistakes.
He’s old enough to have learned these lessons by now.
It’s not your responsibility to monitor his every move.
You don’t have much influence over him. He’s going to continue to live life on his terms. Accept this, even if you don’t approve or like it.
"In the Roaring ’20s, milk was 35¢ or so per gallon. But when the Great Depression hit in 1929, fewer people could afford milk and dairy farmers still had a lot of milk to sell. The price dropped from 35¢ per gallon to 26¢ per gallon. It doesn’t sound like much, but 9¢ in 1930 is about $1.09 in today’s dollars."
That same page shows the price hitting $1 in 1960, so seriously, this woman WAS living in the past!!!
Yikes! If she were alive today, she would *REALLY* be appalled! People forget - you want your pay to increase, so you have more "wealth" and can afford to keep up with the Joneses - well, those who produce what you consume ALSO want their income to keep up with reality and their operating costs increase!
Sadly, these same people who want to scrimp and save and get a "bargain" have contributed to so many items being produced elsewhere, where labor is CHEAP, but it leads to cheaper (i.e. lower quality) products AND job loss here. Wake up everyone!!
I am very tired of buying products that don't last. Unfortunately very often there aren't many choices. Even items proudly proclaiming "Made in America" aren't really. Most of them (not all) should read "Assembled in America." My first washing machine was a Maytag. It lasted 37 years! It WAS made in America. I helped put that poor Maytag man out to pasture. Today's appliances are supposed to be "smarter" and "better", then 1) why do you push warranties and 2) why don't they last as long as those made "back in the day???"
Appliances here were bought new after I moved here, probably about 2015-16.
**My stove timer doesn't chime when the time is up, it starts a minute later
**My dryer doesn't chime at all when done
**The first dryer delivered didn't vent properly and had to be replaced.
**My 2019 Jeep has had TWO safety recalls when it was less than 2 years old.
**Same Jeep, poor design. Trailer hitch added, rear tire impedes trailer connect.
**Decent quality faucet set drain flange too large for sink hole!
Hoping that maybe we can bring MFG back here and ensure they make QUALITY products! I'd be willing to pay more for these things if they will last.
Even scarier, too much reliance on medical equipment/supplies AND medications being made elsewhere. These should be considered critical supplies and be produced in our own countries. If there was interruption in service, how would the needs be met? Thankfully I don't take any meds, and though I use the latex gloves, it's only for cleaning a pellet stove (can reuse up to 3 days) and making cat food, so my supply lasted until I could secure more! But, look at the scramble that happened to just get PPE! IF each country would produce their own... yes, it might cost more, but the cost is worse when you can't get it.
And don't also forget the cost of trade. If anyone really wants to question the value of this, take a basic Macro Economics course that addresses this issue.
For vehicles, I preferred the small little vent in the front window to direct cooler, refreshing air. I wouldn't be w/o A/C now, but it's more costly than a vent that opens with a little push of a hand. (except in the little MGA Roadster that was my first car. It had sidescreens, not windows. Opening the screens during rain or snow gave me quite a facial bath, and released what little heat the car produced.)
What about all the electronics in vehicles, or in home appliances? Does someone need a literal airplane dashboard to drive a car? A camera for backing up? I tried that in a rental car and thought it was just too distortional. I can understand for someone who can't turn his/her head easily any more, but many don't need that.
Frigs that are connected to the water line - unless you have trouble getting to the sink, which I can understand for the people in the lives of most of us, what justifies the extra water line, the connection, and the cost? It's another addition to plumbing that can malfunction and cost $$$$ to fix.
I'm surprised someone hasn't decided to insert something like an Alexa in a frig to ask a homeowner what he/she wants to get from the refrigerator, then sends out a beam to highlight where it is. I won't deny that bending over to get things out of the crisper is a bit hard with bones that are getting old, but in many ways consumers are being deprived of the opportunity to think, to make our own decisions, and not to have electronic things requiring batteries or electricity. And how much do those two factors contribute to climate change?
I frankly am tired of making trips to the county recycling center to dispose of batteries. If I could find some glow worms, I might give them a try.
*personally I don't want all those little "extras" on anything
*my old pickup had vent windows - loved them!
*none of my cars have A/C
My mechanic gave me crap because my new Jeep doesn't have power locks or windows. Only my little hybrid Honda does - it was not an option with that. Convenient? Sometimes. Expensive to fix though. I can't open the driver window if it's raining at all, even drizzle, because then I can't close it! Same with all the "fancy" electronics on appliances - just crap that will break and cost to fix. Even the manual dials on cheaper washers fail, because they use plastic instead of metal.
Ideal car for me: Has the basics (lights, wipers, heat, radio, manual shift, 4WD, takes me where I need to go and gets me back!)
I've worked in the computer field too long, I know electronic things fail (reason why I was away from this thread for a bit - this PC keeps locking up, won't come back from sleep mode, sometimes takes 10 minutes to power on after shutting it down because it doesn't respond.)
Last thought - the backup camera isn't an option, at least in most states. HOWEVER, it should NOT be relied on except to ensure no one is directly behind the car, especially a child. That was the primary reason for requiring it. One should LOOK out the windows, as that camera isn't going to catch that person approaching the back of your car from the side!
Also, the kids that are backed over in their own driveway is a truly frightening problem in my country.
Beatty - "...the kids that are backed over in their own driveway is a truly frightening problem in my country." Exactly. Many MANY years ago, my last year at Univ I had an apartment. A friend and I were headed out and I asked her if she'd seen the little one who was riding her tiny trike. Yup, just ran behind the building. So, I backed up slowly and CRUNCH! The tiny tyke left her trike there. :-( I told her mum and took the thing to replace the tire. The nice part is her mum wasn't angry with me - imagine that same scenario today??? I do NOT want one of these idiotic driverless cars. I look both ways multiple times before pulling out (ever make a right turn, so you look left**, as traffic on your side is what to look for, but then realize there's a crosswalk on your right with people waiting to go? No need to look right, right?? I look out all my windows multiple times before backing up and often open my window first, as I might hear them but not see them!
(**reverse all that for those who drive on d'other side!)
Forgot to add with this brandy new Jeep, ordered special as I didn't want the A/C:
Radio was not connected, salesman blamed it on bad reception in the area. I traveled through there several times, well before ordering it, and never lost reception. So about 1/2 hr or more drive each way, plus my time to sit there for this!
Additionally, it comes with a compass. I monitored and took pix when it was safe, knowing the direction I am going (sometimes capturing the road signs which showed a different direction than the compass did!), despite what this stupid thing says! When I asked about it, a customer says you need to calibrate it, said you have to drive in a circle... Ummmm, what? Why isn't a brand new item already calibrated?
Salesguy didn't really "show" me much when I picked it up. Just before the trailer hitch incident, I found this little wallet-like packet in the center console. Found some tools or other, no clue what they were for. Turns out in order to remove the rear tire, the camera cover has to come off and THESE tools are needed for it. THAT's what the d*mn salesguy should be telling me, instead of other crap, like the blue tooth (don't have anything) or blaming no radio on no reception!
When I bought that Honda, I knew more about it than the salesguy, and there isn't a whole lot to know!!!
Anyone ever see the movie WALL-E? All those fat lazy people who sit in loungers all day? Smart bulbs my butt... get up and turn the light on. Glorified Clap-On lights!!! Except for when it was briefly out of commission, I always walk to the bathroom in my room, other end of the house, passing by another bathroom, just to walk more. Do I get enough exercise? No, but why get all these doo-dads and get lazier?
Say, paul, how's your MIL??? ;-)
With Dad it is literally, less than 1/2 a mile. He could take his scooter, he could get a taxi. With Dad its all about "well they should". Seems nuts to me to risk a delay.
As you quite rightly say, it takes a tons more resource to visit so people need to realise that.