Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
I know what you mean! 😭
"I don't know HOW I will..."
(do some thing or other they'd rather YOU come to do, fetch, carry, arrange).
Or, "I can't remember... were you going to pop in? If so, you could X Y Z..."
Plays dull my foot 🤔
transatlantic language barrier lol.
"Dull" as in stupid. Playing Dull = pretending to be stupid to gain advantage.
"Oh I can't do it", "Im sure you said you were visiting".
I have faith in you. You can think of something other than COVID as a reason not to see your dad. 😊
Heres a classic this weekend from my low intelligence family.......
We're still in strict lockdown in wales - level 4. Basically an elderly person can see one other person - thats it (my brother in Dads case). Can't travel. Everyone else stay home.
Dad told me sister-in-law had "party" in her house for her birthday. Family, parents, cousins etc - 20 people. Then brother went to this party and then visited Dad at his home the next day,
Are you kidding me Dad???
People have been fined £1000s recently for doing this......
His answer - "Oh its ok they were mostly the same family so its ok"
Doesnt seem to twig that, by association, over the weekend he got exposed to 20+ people who may or may not have covid.
I was annoyed at first but then I'm thinking, my common, low life family can just get on with it and leave me out of it. It is just embarrassing how stupid they are sometimes.....
Are people getting vaccinated in Wales?
Barb - Wales are doing very well on vaccinations. I think nearly all over 70s are done. It'll be my turn soon - over 50s.
Very glad to hear that vaccines are being distributed well in your area.
Hopefully, you will get your vaccine soon.
I get what you mean about your family. I learned to tune my family out as well. Otherwise, they will drive us crazy!
I am still working on my family tree.
I have recently discovered a cousin through my genealogy work that has filled me in on my great grandfather.
My family moved to Louisiana from East Suffolk. (Framlingham and neighboring areas.)
It’s very time consuming tracing family history.
I was able to verify the information that she provided through census records.
I want to explore my family’s baptismal records.
I have tracked down many of the birth and marriage records.
It’s interesting to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
We hear names of family members growing up.
It is very special to see the census records showing when and when our ancestors left Europe and came to America.
I catch myself wondering what my relatives in the UK were like!
Mine have a hefty proportion of Cornish miners but if you go waaaaay back past Vikings there are Kings of some tiny peice of Sandinavia (apparently).
Hahaha! I have to admit that I have become fascinated with tracking my family in the UK!
Hey, Vikings are awesome! LOL
I love the names too. Some names from the past are truly beautiful.
In terms of infection, rates are falling massively at the moment. Hows the USA doing?
Already got my flights booked to Florida in August. At the moment though, we're not allowed into the country but fingers crossed!
My good friend who is 83 years old got her 1st shot almost 3 weeks ago, and she still doesn't have an appointment to get her 2nd shot. She called numerous times, lines were busy, and recording referred her to call someplace else, and someplace else referred her back to the original place, no live person to talk to. Just terrible. My elder friend is stressed out worrying about not getting the 2nd shot.
For me, at the rate, I figure it won't be my turn till at least the end of the year or even next year. I don't worry about it.
A few weeks ago, I got a text from my stepdaughter in New Orleans that her friend, a nurse at the NYC dept of health had called say there extra doses that day at their facility. We got my husband in at the end of the day and they took my phone number for more direct contact. I got mine 2 days later. I was able to give my previously scheduled appointments to an elderly couple nearby.
Every time someone in my coop building finds a site with appointments, it gets posted on the building's electronic message board.
Slowly but surely!!
They've been strict here. There was a big fuss when a manager at one of the health boards sorted his admin staff out with left overs... They werent front line so not allowed.....
Dad on the phone last night..... Oh brothers working all weekend. I could see if coming.....
"So..... Can you still not visit?" "Is there any way you can visit?"
Jeez. Does he not watch the news or is he being deliberately stupid? The next review is 2 weeks......
Although brother having a house party hasnt helped. BUT he hasn't helped himself because I know hes been giving brother A LOT of money. I don't want it but if he thinks hes playing this "reward son who does what I want" and "punish the son who wont break the law for me" its going to go downhill...
And I've really lost all will to live with this weekend thing. We've had this discussion multiple times..... Wife works at weekend and no I'm not bringing ny daughter because its boring for her.
He won't drop it it seems..... Of course, not once, has he said he missed my kids and wants to see them. He doesn't. Neither does he need me to go to the shop for him - hes managed fine last few months.
As per usual, its the warm glow he misses of knowing he can get me to what he wants... So sick of i.
Your dad and brother have certainly been a thorn in your side for many years!
There isn’t any point in believing that their behavior will change. Your dad and brother are who they are! You know this.
He has gotten along this far without your help during the Covid lockdown.
Your dad can continue to figure it out with your brother.
Allow your father to ‘pay’ your brother without resentment.
May I suggest to allow your brother to ‘earn’ that money that your father doles out to him.
Don’t rescue dad after Covid restrictions let up. Force him to rely on your brother, since he’s getting paid anyway.
I know that he doesn’t show any appreciation where it truly belongs, which is with you, and he shows his disapproval of you if you don’t oblige him.
So supervise his needs from afar. Continue to look after his financial records and let your brother and sister in law to do the rest.
Does this seem feasible to you?
Alas, it looks like Dad has plans to rope me back in again and push back for the umpteenth time for the weekend visits.
So he whines. So what?
I’m sorry that you feel as if you have to be there for your dad physically.
I am not trying to badger you. Believe me, I don’t think that way.
I feel your frustration because my mom completely took over my life.
My mom knew how to lay on the guilt heavily. I was targeted from my brothers and my mom as well when I didn’t cave in.
Guess what, Paul? I was wrong! Yeah, ME , for caving. I regret it enormously.
I thought that I was taking the easy way out. Are you kidding me? All I did was make it a million times harder on myself and others.
There will come a day when you cannot satisfy his every need. What then? Tend to it now.
I can NEVER get that time back, EVER! My family deserved better. Hell, I deserved better!
Okay, we get blindsided in the initial stages of caregiving but later on, it’s on US!
It took awhile before I owned it. People who really cared kept pushing me.
Sometimes they gently nudged because I would have completely broken under the least bit more pressure.
If you remember I had mom living in my home for 15 long years! I did trips to her house for five years prior to that!
Let me tell you that it was a tough grind! I have a husband and two daughters.
I was teaching then, How I balanced it all is beyond me!
You can do exactly as Barb, myself and many others have said, visit on YOUR terms!
Don’t do it for us. Do it for yourself and your family.
Take care, Paul. I hope you know that I am coming from a place of love and concern to you as a caregiver.
Hey, we may even be family! LOL
I have been tracking my English roots! Looks like from christening and marriage accounts in the census, my great grandfather traveled to America from East Sussex and neighboring areas.
One more thing, whether your brother steps up to help your dad or not doesn’t really matter.
The truth is, neither of you, nor your wives are obligated to care for him.
Your father is NOT getting any younger. He is getting OLDER, as we all do.
He doesn’t have any super powers to protect him.
Your dad is a mere mortal just like the rest of us and he will most likely end up eventually needing full time care.
He has saved some money. He can do as he likes with his money. He can afford to hire someone or go into a care home.
Are you in control of his finances should he become mentally unable to decide what his best options are?
I watched on in my family, when an informal arrangement became tense - one wanted to spend up but the nominated helper had more sense. I could see it causing tension the other way here, with Paul's Dad NOT wanting to spend a bean & Paul having sense he should (eg past stairlift issue).
In my family it was handled really well. After some thinkibg & advice, the helper resigned their informal post, to keep the relationship. An impartial professional service was employed instead (for a small fee).
Now while I can't see Paul's Dad paying an accountant (even if a tuppence!) to pay his bills for him - I would suggest a more formal arrangement may be needed in the future. Or maybe that time is now? So there are boundaries around this issue.
For me, if I was doing the books (so to speak) then I am doing the books my way. That includes paying via internet & not having freeloaders on the books (ta-ta Bro!). My family member has not given me any legal authority, so when asked to pay her shopping, dentist bills etc it was an easy No. I didn't dip my toe in that quagmire!
Dad does not need short term temporary help here. He needs REGULAR help, with needs increasing until the rest of his days.
As with visiting & bringing shopping, the finances are another area that Paul must decide his line in the sand. What he will & won't do.
Getting out of the quagmire when already up to your ankles IS harder! But can be done 💪💪climb out & draw some NEW lines 👍
I would use this time of the pandemic to make future changes.
I know I know - it just stresses me so much having to deal with him....
And I still cant get my head around the money thing. Hes given my brother thousands last few months, yet a few years ago he didnt hear from brother for weeks on end, I was doing it all and nearly getting divorced because of it.
Such a kick in the teeth....