Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
My MIL felt exactly as you did with your stepdaughter.
My husband had the opportunity to go to Germany right out of high school with Georgetown University.
He participated in a summer study program for future engineering students. He loved it!
The following fall he was a student at Tulane University here in New Orleans.
Some of the neighbors thought it was a waste of money.
My MIL was quick to tell them it was none of their business!
She told me, “I will never tell you how to spend your money or how to raise your children,” She kept that promise!
I know that there are tons of MIL jokes but I had a great MIL!
I would tell her, “Thanks for raising your son to be a wonderful husband and father!”
She was funny! A wicked sense of humor saying, “Oh, it was easy! I did the opposite of what my MIL did with her son. She spoiled him rotten and he thought I should wait on him hand and foot and it took me years to deprogram him!”
She would laugh and say that she fell for his gorgeous dark hair! Those handsome Italians! She was French.
Her MIL did not want her to work outside of the home. My MIL graduated with honors with a music degree and loved teaching music.
She could have cared less what her MIL thought of her choices in life.
He is not you and vice versa. You grew up in different eras. Different economic circumstances.
I daresay that "horseback riding" has all sorts of connotations for your dad. "She'll meet upper class twits". "She will try to rise above her station". And so on.
When my step-daughter was a junior in college, she had an opportunity to go to Paris to study for a summer. My MIL wanted to know if it was "worth it" in terms of the credits she'd get.
I happily paid for it as I knew it would be an unforgettable, horizon- broadening experience. What others thought made no difference to me.
Try to figure out why you care so much.
"I immedially got "what do you want to do that for?""
Your mistake was the response to that/arguing - simplest answer, if not silence, would be "Because I can."
He says "well its a waste of money I think".
Your response, if not silence again, "Think what you want, thoughts don't cost anything!"
Adding: FWIW there could be any number of reasons why someone thinks this way or is a penny-pinching miser - my mother was a Depression Era baby, so hard times, she wasn't one to waste things... Until later when she discovered Marshall's and TJMaxx (mainly discount clothing, shoes and other items here) when my dad was doing well and most of us (3) were out of the house! Good god, the clothing, shoes, handbags she had in her place! We could've opened a store! It was at least 4-5 trips to Goodwill to donate with a full SUV, and one trip included my 5x8 trailer! That was mainly the clothes (and some still ended up here in my place!) I finally got YB to take 2 LARGE boxes full of shoes to get them out of my place.
But, she would often express the same kind of sentiment as your dad. When my kids were young (maybe 30+ years ago), I made plans to take them to Disney World. Her reaction? Same as your dad's! Why would you want to spend all that money? They won't remember it. Maybe not, but it was fun for them, and I remember it! My response? I have the time, the money and the inclination. End of subject. Even more ironic, she made photo albums a number of years ago, one for each of us. How many pix of us playing on the beaches of FL!!!!!! Various other places as well.
So, in her case it was okay to spend THOUSANDS on those clothes, etc, exclaim what "bargains" she got, but dismiss anything we would do or buy as a waste of money. When clearing out her place, there were a number of items that still had the tags on them, so never even used. Many more were "outdated", yet she kept them (Oh I keep my things nice! Sure mom, but what good is nice if 1) you don't use them and 2) you can't even fit in them!)
So, that old refrain will never go away. Best to avoid the subject, but when the slip happens, be prepared! Silence or Because!
I slipped up and said daughter was having horseriding lessons. I immedially got "what do you want to do that for?"
We've had this argument many, many times that demanding you're 50+ year old son explain what he spends his money on and what he does with his kids is really none of his business.
So I repeated it - his answer "well its a waste of money I think". Give me strength........
I can't really remember but I guess I didn't do many activities when I was a kid, especially if they cost money.
Wife has often spoken to here and said about eating and her attitude "oh i just cant be bothered". There is a lot of laziness there....
Wifes dad passed away almost 20 years ago. She started drinking then. For years we'd have "well with my john gone I dont care".
Plans are afoot anyway.
Well, I guess that makes your dad now seem more like Mary Poppins? But, comparing one to another isn't the goal or reasonable, just different situations - stick with the plan for dad!!!
I agree with the comment from BarbBrooklyn. Wife needs to ensure doc knows of the confusion and can do some cognitive testing. Being a nurse, they might take her descriptions and concerns more seriously (then again, it could work against her!) If those treating MIL don't listen, encourage wife to pursue other avenues, esp while MIL is a "captive" audience...
Hopefully her siblings will work WITH your wife instead of against her! Sounds like MIL does need to be in a supervised residence (NOT yours!) Regular AL (not sure what levels they have in the UK) would not prevent her from having beer or eating poorly - a little more supervision and oversight, but generally AL here helps with things like mobility and medication management. Meals, etc can be done with the other residents, or can be done in one's own space, providing one's own food. This would be little better than her current living situation. A plan can be set up, but generally I don't think they can force the issues.
Hopefully there is a happy medium - maybe even bringing help to her home, to provide good meals and ensure she eats properly. If she can't drive, then the beers can be reduced over time or eliminated (actually eliminate would be better, since she's not able to have them while hospitalized now, it gets it out of her system! Don't let it come back, if possible.)
But, start with letting her get well and tested for cognitive issues. At least wife can discuss with siblings and perhaps come up with some plans.
Hope your mother in law will start to feel better soon.
I can see why your wife is concerned. She needs care.
People often delay seeking help for their health concerns.
She’s where she needs to be now though. Glad she’s receiving care for her issues.
Has she always consumed that amount of alcohol?
I would mention any new or different behavior to the doctors because it may be an offshoot of other issues.
She needs a cognitive evaluation and clearly she cannot live alone.
My wife pretty much filled the doctors in on how it all happened. Not eating for weeks. And not sure if I mentioned before her alcohol consuption. (Its frightening for an 80 year old - we estimated she drank about 25-30 bottles of beer a week - way too much). Lets just say it all clicked when the doctors heard this.
So, in one incident shes managed to beat my Dad. As you can imagine, my wife, apart from being worried about her mother, is very very annoyed that a lot of this could have been avoided.
Even now the doctor phones my wife and tells her they explained it all to her mother, shes agreed she understands, then my wife phones her and she says she has no idea whats going on.
My DH is blind in one eye due to a bike accident years ago (not his fault). He did have cataract surgery in his good eye 2 years ago and did fine. Incidentally, he is MY eye drop inserter.
Good luck on your cataract surgery.
Llamalover, I'm glad your first cataract surgery also went well, and I hope the other one goes equally well!
It's interesting what is being said about driving. I've driven all over the US (and portions of many other countries), so I know the importance of taking distances into account. People I know sometimes ask my advice when they're planning a long trip. While I lived in North Carolina, a coworker whose family members were planning to visit from Turkey told me he and his brother wanted to drive to California, stopping along the way, and had about 10 days to do this, so he wondered if this was feasible, to which I answered yes, but he would need to average close to 500 miles each day for the round trip. With two drivers he was willing to do so, and did it successfully. (When friends want to go somewhere, I try to encourage them to do so, and I enjoy it when they come back saying how much they enjoyed doing it.) The US is large, but that also means it offers a great variety of landscapes and climates, so one can explore as much or as little as s/he wants. I also like driving and exploring in Australia (sorry, Margaret--I haven't been in SA or NT yet!) and southern South America, as both continents have a lot of open spaces. The UK, of course, is smaller, but it's fairly easy to visit the continental European countries, and there is public transportation, which is less available in the US. (Paul, I haven't forgotten that gasoline/petrol is a LOT more expensive in the UK!)
I would concur... I think perhaps you're all spoiled by having a small enough country to be able to drive or take a train fairly quickly to get anywhere, and then going to the continent, again easy enough drive or take a train from one country to another...
Long ago I met someone from the UK when he was here for training. At a later date, he contacted me to say he'd be in Phoenix, so perhaps we could get together again... Um... it's about 2600 miles away, 39 hours (so it says now) by car, who knows how much by train!
worldatlas says:
1,339 miles from London east to Kiev, Ukraine
traveltips.usatoday.com says:
coast-to-coast drive across America ranges in distance from approximately 2,500 to 3,500 miles. (depends on where you start and finish.)
So yeah, needless to say, we didn't get to meet up!
Margaret said: "First time in about 4 years with no news story on Trump!"
So, good thing no views of the T... might have ruined the work the doctor(s) did!
Best of luck to Margaret and Llamalover47...
jacobsonbob - you're going to need a seeing eye person to help you out! I often say if I have to lose anything, arm, leg, hand, hearing, etc, just NOT the eyesight! Of course now I have to add to that memories... Having dealt with mom and her dementia all these years, nope. Bring the meteor to my house when I'm in it!
About an hour or hour & a half later Stonehenge came into view. Wow did we laugh!
I guess in the uk we can't get our head around those distances. To drive to Scotland from Wales is 8 hours and would be considered "miles away".
Just checked - lands end in the south to john o goats top of scotland 15 hours drive.
Glad your surgery is over. Hoping you will fully heal.
Best wishes for any future visits for follow up care and your additional surgery on your other eye Llama.
It sounds like the people from Smothered could benefit from this site! LOL
My daughter collected me off the plane from Alice Springs on Saturday afternoon, with an urgent call for me to go to the hospital immediately for the retinal detachment operation. The surgeon said that I had a small cataract that would need treatment in a year, so he will whip that off too. The operation took about 2 hours, a staff cast of thousands, and four separate local anaesthetics, each time three painful jabs into both ends of the eye socket. Lots of drops to take home, I can’t drive for three weeks, and I’m alone in the family flat in Adelaide - not a great Sunday. DH still in Alice Springs, working out what has to be done before he can start the 2-day drive down.
Sunday lunchtime, daughter phones to tell me that South Australia has a cluster of new Covid cases with community transmission (taken home by a worker in a quarantine facility), and is going into total lockdown. DH can’t come! End of the week, they discover that the most worrying ‘community transmission’ possibility is because one of the suspects lied about his movements to the contact tracers, and the major contact fears are unfounded. Fury all round! CNN actually ran an international story ‘One lie locks down a state’.
My sight started to improve gradually, but I had no computer in the flat. DH arrives absolutely knackered last night, and we come back to the farm. He’s just unloaded the computers! First time in about 4 years with no news story on Trump! Ten more days, then I go back to the hospital for checking. I didn’t realise this would be so much more major than cataract surgery. My advice is don’t detach your retina, it’s a lot of trouble you don’t need.
Thanks again, folks.
"Smothered" is where someone has a mother whos really overbearing etc. There are some right weird people on there!
So you’ve watched all of the episodes?
My youngest daughter has seen a couple of the episodes.
They used to do one called, Married At First Sight. That was crazy! The couple didn’t marry until the met at the alter! Professional therapist were the matchmakers. Interesting concept for marriage! Is that still on? Did you see that one?
Look at arranged marriages. Some work out. Some are a disaster!
I have not heard of Smothered. What is that one about?