Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
It's got me wondering about stepping into that 'Fixer' role - either by volunteer or having it forced upon us.
Does it go the same way? Does the Needy One's needs always smother the Fixer in the long run? Or can they keep some individuality?
Thanks for clarification.
If I had to use one word to describe your dad it would be ‘control.’ He is a man who likes to be in charge of things.
Your last posts tell me another side to him though. He depends on you because he may be fearful. He knows that he is losing his grip. He’s making a huge effort to hang on.
He may not be as sure of himself as he wishes to be.
Take care, Paul.
These go beyond the brief assessments that get done in a regular docot's office or clinic.
I would also not trust your dad's word as to whether he "passed" something or not. Talk to the assesor. Get the name of the assessment and what it measures.
An assessment like this will tell you a great deal about your father's real cognitive issues. Medicare will pay for it.
Hes still not driving.
His car died so he was using my daughters (my car) who is away in another state comes home often. Dad has SSI to cover his bills, no savings or retirement.
I have done everything the last 7 years since mom died. 1 sibling pays for his cell phone that is it.
Months ago dad started with jaw pain, had a tooth pulled the jaw pain got worse. put him on different meds. ultimately he got an infection and one morning found him on the floor naked, covered in feces and alter-mental status. The bathroom and bedroom looked like a murder scene with feces as well. After an hour to clean him up tons of laundry. Got him dressed and then trips to the Drs and ER. Long story short a UTI a week in the hospital and 2 in rehab. Not the first time he has fallen out of bed BTW.
Got him back home and home care visits. He is under his Primary care Dr and a neuro.
With Home aids yesterday i looked in and saw a huge stain on the carpet. I asked what that was from, he said he spilled coffee, OK so I will clean the carpet when he was done. So after the aids left I started cleaning the carpet (I had just cleaned while he was in rehab). I asked when it spilled, he said the day before. No I did not blow my cool but asked him to let me know when it happens instead of waiting a day. (Not a small spill mind you huge cup of coffee and cream).
So while the 3rd home care person came and I was not home my daughter was and he asked them to write him a note to me that says he can drive and told them I am taking his license away. I never said that, I said at the Dr office with his Dr he cannot drive while on his meds that make him drowsy. BTW he is 85.
Now he is putting the blame on me. his car died last year, He gave me his truck when he moved here 6 years ago. He doesn't pay rent or utilities or food except his own fruits and maybe milk. I cover everything, he has the best cable, internet (I bought his computer and larger screen a web cam). I cook dinner every night he eats well (I think I am a pretty good cook). I shop for him take him to the Drs or where ever he needs to go. He gets rides to lunch or lodge. He has a GF who I will not allow in the house as I know her back story and it’s not good, she already tried to infiltrate the family. Very long story ( had a second husband she spent all his money and tried to take the house he left to his kids and tried to get a third one to turn his house over to her).
It’s just now I am the bad guy. He can barely walk, the nurse said he passed his cognitive test (is a 70 passing?) That does not give him rein to drive my car. He hits someone and I am liable.
I have done everything in the last 7 years, ran my mom’s funeral, undid his house and business, cleaned up the messes he had for 6 months living on his own. Cleaned up his finance issues he left go for years, dealt with the creditors. Moved him in with me, gave up my office (I run my business from home). It’s just not fair I have no help from family and now I am the bad guy. I am in this 24/7/365. My wife and I do not go on vacation because when we did go away for an overnight he drive the car in the snow and damaged it when I told him not to go out and he fell down the stairs when no one was home lucky on bruised himself. I manage his meds as he took too many before his hospital stint. Even now he forgets to take them at night (I have a pill minder on the counter).
Now with Covid I am burnt out. He gets out to his lodge meeting 2 times a week has video time with church members. What more can I do? It’s in for a fight about driving but hey my house my rules right? My wife is more than on board (really it’s her car anyway).
I’m tired I’m bitchy and I am aging quickly.
BUT he makes a "list" of things he NEEDS to speak to me about. Letters from the bank - he reads them out over the phone. "changes to terms and conditions" etc.
I think, hang on now, I don't work in a bank, I've no idea, you can read so why are you asking me?
He had a letter from the bank about switching his savings fund or something. Told me he'd had the letter a few days and it was worrying him and he wanted it sorted. He read it out - something to do with fund closing and switching to new one. All seemed pretty ok - you had to reply to agree etc.
Anyway, he wanted to send it off TOMORROW so I had to help him decide. I asked him if there was a date mentioned - YES JANUARY 2021.
This isn't normal is it?
In terms of illness, hes also convinced himself pineapple makes him ill. Hes obsessed with things like this. TMI but "loose bowel movements". I keep telling him ONE episode is not a huge issue and doesnt mean you're allergic to something and/or need to call the doctor.
(you should see me next morning after 10 pints of cider and Doner Kebab with chilli and garlic sauce on the way home!)
Yeh wife had partial knee replacment in march. Shes had to quit Communty nursing - its not 100%. She know works on what is called in the UK, 111. Basically a non-emergency health advice number. Shes not a call handler but she basically calls people back as a nurse Advisor. office based.
Two weeks she did have to have another procedure. Skin cancer on here face. Luckily, its been there a while and is benign so no worries there but still....
Paul's dad pretty much has everything he needs or has been offered ways to help and he refuses.
Paul got him a scooter, to help him get around, but dad fears breakdown, even though Paul got the insurance too. (Funny though that he can manage to get to the local betting shop, no problemo!)
Paul had a stairlift installed, so he can get up/down without worrying about the stairs.
Paul would buy enough supplies/food to last, but he would complain it was too much (his way to make Paul visit more often!)
He wants Paul to be at his beck and call. He would make up "illnesses", esp if Paul was going on vaca. There are random issues that must be dealt with NOW (they don't need to be), etc.
He's been offered food delivery. Nope.
He's been offered care-givers. Nope, finds fault with them all and dismissed them.
He's been offered to be taken out to a meal or game. Nope. If/when he has gone, he just complains about everything, cost in particular!
"Ask him if he wants to go to a nursing home."
He doesn't need the equivalent to a NH (they are in Wales), but rather AL, however to this man that is basically being put away to die. Nope.
"Get him a live in helper."
As noted, this has been tried, a bit. Didn't pan out. Primary issues are because they have schedules and it doesn't meet with HIS approval, plus it isn't Paul!!
"Communicate with your brother about what you both can and cannot do for him."
His brother is cut from the same cloth. He is pretty much useless and is currently blocked for calls and FB.
"A set schedule may help reassure him."
We have suggested this and he has tried it, but between visits he would get multiple calls, needs this NOW (doesn't.) Dad's schedule is You Come When I Demand It, NOW!
"Is he is capable mentally?"
From everything we have learned AND according to his docs via Paul, he is fine cognitively. He is just a giant PITA!
"He may be lonely. Is he looking for attention."
There's some of that too, but even when Paul arranged things, it just wasn't enough and it was complaints all around. Paul has 2 children, one a young child, who often would need to come along if the wife was working. Dad can't stand having the kids around! No satisfying this one. I suspect if Paul lived close by (he doesn't), he would be beckoned every day, multiple times/day!
"Maybe he needs to move."
That's kind of a given, but he won't agree to it. IF he would just try it, he might find it better to have other "mates" around, to chit chat with, grumble about the family not visiting or helping, etc, but he is not inclined to consider ANY kind of move! Not only is it being put out to die, but IT COSTS MONEY!!!
"Goodluck"
This is going to take a lot more than luck! At the moment, the only "luck" is that they've reinstituted some of the lock-down, so that's Paul's "excuse" for not being available at this time! Bro lives nearby, so dad has access to someone who can replenish his supplies. Paul found out bro is also getting "paid" for what he does, so we're all saying play dumb you-know-nothing-about-the-payments and let him get paid to deal with the old codger! Paul doesn't need or want payment, just some reasonable help and visits and that just isn't possible with his dad. He IS unreasonable and won't accept anything but what HE demands.
Hope that helps put things in a little more perspective (for any other newcomers too!)
I think I understand what you mean when you say it's weird meeting your mom and it feels like meeting a long lost aunt. Seeing her 3- 4 times in the last 40 years, yeah, that qualifies as seeing a long lost aunt. There's niceness and maybe even kindness but there's no love. Is that accurate?
Also, how's your wife? You mentioned she had some surgery a few months back but I don't remember if you mentioned how she recovered. Hope she's back to normal.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/living-with-mother-to-help-her-i-cant-take-her-histrionics-any-longer-am-i-a-terrible-person-if-i-mo-462457.htm?orderby=recent�
In the past, my stance has been, well I'm ok now got my own family, theres no need to rake it all up. I never bothered to see my mum, not sure what happened when I was a kid but I dont think she bothered much (she did live across the Atlantic mind).
As I got older, I didn't harbour any malice it was just sort of well I've got my own life here now so why bother. I have met her probably 3-4 times in 40 years. It was weird - it was like meeting a long lost aunt. Shes nice enough but you know what I mean?
My lack of height I can probably attribute to generations of miners. Maybe the stoic ones descended from convicts who made good...
Why would anyone miss an unpleasant outing??? I wouldn't! Don't think any less of yourself for feeling that way, it's only natural. As often said, we can pick our seats, our friends, even our noses, but we can't pick our family! Doesn't mean you have to feel bad if you don't have that Leave it to Beaver kind of family, all lovey-dovey, caring - that's TV world, not the real world!
As for your mother, you don't have to contact her, but if you do, you don't have to discuss the past or find out anything, just connect and see how she's doing, update her on your family, send her pix of the grandkids, etc. The past is the past, none of us need to relive it.
Leave dad out of it all - don't discuss him with her or her with him. He has NO need to know if you ever do contact her. If she happens to ask about him, keep it simple. Same old dad, just older and needy. Move the topic on to something else. Same if she asks about your brother. No need to air dirty laundry or divulge any sordid details, this is about you and her.
It may end up being a one and done, or it could open up a new relationship for you - from afar, for sure, if she still lives in Canada.
If you choose to look up your mom, it’s for you. Your relationship with your mom has nothing to do with your dad. It’s a separate relationship.
You don’t have to even tell your dad that you contacted her. It’s none of his business. It’s your personal business. The reconnection would be between you and your mother.
Your mom is not interested in your dad’s life. She left him! I have no idea why. You don’t know either. Your suspicions may be totally right but you don’t know anything for certain. She may have her own secrets.
Your mom most likely wasn’t able to tell you and your brother about her choices. You were kids. Children don’t have the capacity to understand adult situations.
She may be willing to discuss it with you as an adult. I wouldn’t accuse her of anything. I wouldn’t judge her if I didn’t know the entire story.
I would simply seek to reconnect with your mom in a casual way with no pressure. Allow her to lead the way.
At the end of the day, it’s your choice if you want to open that door or not. It has the potential to have advantages and certainly disadvantages of learning of painful memories.
You already know that there was pain involved. You don’t know what the circumstances were. It’s a matter of if you want to know or not. Some people don’t want to know. Some do want answers.
There isn’t a right or wrong way to look at this. It isn’t that you need answers to continue on with your life. It is simply about filling in the blanks if you desire that.
I will tell you that my ex was an abusive jerk. My kids will tell you he is needy and crazy but generous. 90% of our mutual friends will tell you he is a saint.
Paul, in every divorce, there are at least 3 versions of "the story". I presume that as an IT specialist you are able to hold two competing thoughts in your head at the same time; also, that your boss trusts you not to divulge corporate secrets to the competition.
Talking to your mom doesn't mean you have to subscribe to her version of the truth; neither does it mean you have to confront your dad with it.
Suit yourself as to whether you would like to hear her side of things.
Would it be worthwhile? hmm. My relationship with Dad is already bad - this may kill it completely. Hes 86 now - should I do that to him? Hmmm. You reap what you sow I guess. Would it make any difference to me? Probably not.
Hes not been so bad last few weeks. I haven't seen him - we're still locked down. I must admit I've not missed it.
Sometimes there are just too many messages, discussions, questions listed. I have searched for a few posts I recall, but haven't had any luck finding them, even trying various ways to search. In this instance there weren't a lot of older discussions, etc and the post she referred to was a message posted to Paul.
Also, if it was a private message, there would be no way for us to find it! This one wasn't hard, and I liked what it said, as it did address some of the weekend dad issues, so I posted it (but I note not ALL dads are like that! My ex was one, and clearly Margaret has had some experience with these types! Sounds like Paul's dad fits into this category as well!)