Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Like I said, your wife is smart. She is realistic and sensible. No need for her to open up a door to foolishness. She leads a busy life. She has her own needs to care about, children to care for and is married to you, not your father.
She’s a good mom too because she is teaching your children about self respect by her example.
I admire your wife. She has her priorities in order. She saw where it was futile to be involved with your dad and decided to step away. Good for her!
It is unfortunate that he can’t see that it would be to his advantage to live in a retirement community that would be of assistance to him.
You have tried to get him to live his life more independently but he seems to be happier to depend on you.
I am glad that you have learned to back off. Just because he hollers, “Jump!” doesn’t mean your response has to be, “How high?”
Hopefully, sooner or later he will figure this out and start to take more responsibility for his own life. He has very high expectations of you. Helping out is one thing, doing unnecessary things is a burden on people.
Once hes got an idea in his head he wont ever change.
There is no way in a million years he will EVER go into a home. Hes got this idea that families "put their relatives away to die in a home".
Yep. Wife is better out of it. I dont blame her. The way hes been with her she has no need to have a relationship with him at all. Of course, he thinks he done nothing wrong and it irritates him that she doesn't bother - constantly trying to drag her back in.
Hes done this many, many times. His attitude always seems to be, and hes said this, "Well, I'm old and need your help and that's the end of it" and then any obstacles like this are my problem to sort out. No thanks and no choice it seems!
He was in hospital xmas day one year. I said I'd be over lunchtime (its 30 miles away) - my son was 5 or 6 at the time. Nope he wanted me there at the hospital earlier. I said look let me open his xmas presents with him and I'll be there as soon as I can. He actually said "Put your foot down - tell you're wife and son you can't do xmas day with them because I'm in hospital. There'll be other xmases for that!". I turned up something like 1130am - rushed to get there. He refused to speak to me because I was "late". I walked out after 20 minutes and went home.
I've seen this illness "pattern" many times in the past. He gets a cold. Initially, the doc will give him antibiotics. It wont go as quickly as he likes. He'll call doc again. Eventually, they will tell him they can't help and to just rest. He wont like this and will somehow get himself into hospital. Expecting a phone call in a few days.
My take on the crying wolf/illness thing is that ok if he thinks hes ill then he thinks hes ill. Yes I'm not a doctor. There have been literally 100s of times when hes NOT been ill. Of course, when he is genuine I probably dont believe him either.
A lot of people are in your situation. Unfortunately, their parents are fiercely independent and won’t consider going into a facility.
It’s sad because they should go for themselves and their families. It’s stubbornness and selfish on their part. How can you force them to go? That’s impossible.
You love your wife. She loves you. You have a strong family bond. He may want to break up your relationship but he doesn’t have a shot at succeeding.
People who have strong bonds like you and your wife are not vulnerable to others attempts of causing real damage. They can be a nuisance but not much more than that.
By the way, your wife is very smart! She stays away of the entire mess. I admire her. I also appreciate that you don’t expect her to be involved in his problems.
There are courier services that work independently that ship. She got her beloved scissors home.
I wonder how often that happens that they have items left over in purses or suitcases from road trips but they aren’t allowed on airplanes. I guess the courier services do well handling those matters.
Yes he has needs. I think, over the years, I've done everything I can for him. And more. As I've said before, if it was up to him I'd be divorced by now.
If Dad had a REAL need then I'd be there believe me. Trouble is EVERYTHING is a NEED in his head.
I hear what you're saying about his needs. Its becoming obvious that Dad is not getting these needs met. But realistically, neither can I help. Would he better off in care home - 100%? Will he consider it - 100% NO. What can I do?
I'm not justifying him being not ill. I'm sure he does feel a little ill but I cannot put my life on hold because of it - especially when he TELLS me "you've got to put me first". Not just me - like I said in the past, doctors have sat him down and said "your not seriously ill, you've got a cold, all you need to do is rest up". Whether if he lived in care home he'd have people to reassure him 24/7 maybe?
Paul, you're so tightly focused on avoiding your father and dodging the bullets that you give virtually no time at all to thinking objectively about what his real needs are, and how far you're prepared to contribute.
If you decide that you'll call him on the third Sunday of each month and that's his lot, you won't hear me arguing. You're not responsible for him. Whatever you feel it's right for you to offer is what you should offer.
But justifying your decision by telling yourself he isn't really ill and doesn't really have any emotional or social needs is not the way to go about it. He is ill: he has chronic disease. He is old, and like everyone else of his age he will have good and not so good days. He has a cold, you think - then is it really so monstrous and controlling to suppose his son might give him a call to see how he's doing?
Stop making him the villain of the piece. He's a sick old man with a clingy, advantage-taking, attention-seeking personality. Be reasonable in both the amount of time you're prepared to give him, and your expectations of how he will behave.
It doesn't MATTER what your brother does. What your brother does is his business. If your father wants to make these meaningless comparisons, let him. They're still meaningless - as long as you don't give them any meaning.
Your father, like any other person, has physical and emotional needs. That does not mean that you are responsible for meeting them.
The fact that you are not responsible for meeting his needs does not mean that the needs are imaginary.
Im not a doctor but it does sound like a cold to me. Jeez. I just can't cope sometimes. I get he gets anxious but its just getting too much now.
Trying to keep out of this circus once again but hes trying to drag me in.
Pray for me if Dad ever gets any illness even slightly serious (or real would be a start).
All I know is she shipped the scissors back to her home, however they do it. Maybe she had someone else do it for her.
Yes, if you don’t like the heat you would not be able to tolerate our heat and humidity.
Yeah, the Hare Krishna followers wore the long gowns and gave out roses hoping for donations.
Wow! What an experience. The kids won’t forget that trip!
Son just kept walking. Was nearly tackled down after walking with backpack straight through the checkpoint - oblivious to the many "excuse me Sir". I had some fast talking to do that he had hearing issues... (more just vague teen really).
On return, DH asks where to get the *good coffee*.. & he's sweaty as just carried the heavy bag & wearing his coat. They bomb frisked him for that! First time flying with the kids... ahhh memories 😁
My neighbor forgot to remove scissors from her purse before a flight. Apparently these scissors were sentimental to her. She had them for a long time. They were quality scissors that were expensive. She had to ditch those before her flight. She ran to mail them back home. She hurried up but almost missed her flight because she did not want to part with her scissors!
I liked Boston. I wouldn’t want to spend the entire time in Boston though. I liked the whole trip. I did have favorite spots for various reasons.
I went to Salem because my daddy was stationed there in the military and I wanted to see it. It’s a port town like New Orleans. I didn’t go for the witchcraft.
Yes, they have witchcraft in their history but it’s a nice area with more than witchcraft. One of my neighbors grew up in Salem. He loved it.
It’s kind of like New Orleans. We have Voodoo in our area but there are more Christians and a few Synagogues and Buddhist temples in our metro area. I don’t really care what religion someone is or even if they aren’t religious. I guess I feel that is between them and God.
We have a Krishna temple that serves free vegetarian meals to the community. I have never been but I remember some of my friends used to go for the free food when they were young and broke! They said the food and music was good. They didn’t join the faith.
Remember when Krishnas were all over the airports? Well, there residence was near Whole Foods when it was a small store on Esplanade Ave.
Whole Foods moved to a larger building but anyway, the Krishnas would hang out in front of Whole Foods and hand out roses and invite everyone to their vegetarian ‘feast.’
No, it is not cold in New England - at least to someone who was born and raised there. Bring on the cold. Say no to summer.
Now THAT would get a blank stare!
So you had to ditch the pepper spray? Hahaha 😂
Oh yeah, islands are a little slice of paradise. I don’t order any booze on any flights but a lot of people do like to down several drinks when flying. I guess I am boring, I order a coke or juice.
I liked Salem, Lexington and Concord. We did stay in Boston too to stay at The Ritz Carlton. My husband wanted too.
I loved Kennebunkport Maine and Stowe Vermont too. It is pretty in New England but even in the fall it was cold! I can’t imagine it in the dead of winter!
I was wearing socks and boots and my feet were still cold!
Do you ski? I never have. My husband has. He extended a business trip in Utah and went. He said he was amazed at how well young children did.
The loggers must be in great shape! I can see how they would have to retire early though. Tough job.
Yes he probably will phone for now. Hes got no hassle though. No kids to look after, lives a mile away - he just sends his wife (who doesnt work) up to see Dad so hes got no worries.
Dads memory is fine. Dunno how to explain it. Its strange talking to him - hes impossible to argue with. Totally.
If you say something to him he'll just look blankly. I guess hes got away with it for years. He manages to say or do something then sweep it under the carpet.
Can guarantee if I sat him down and listed what he'd done to me last 3-4 years he'd look at me amazed as if he was totally innocent. Its all in the past, swept under the carpet.
He lies more now to get his way. If he gets caught out he'll very quickly backtrack so it doesnt become an issue. E.g I urgently need groceries, sorry Dad I'm busy but I'll get it delivereed, Oh actually thinking about it I'll manage ok dont worry about it.