Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
If you wish to see your mother, do so but I wouldn’t even bring up your dad to her. If she wants to bring him up, that’s different.
Has your brother ever tried to contact her? I wish you well whatever you decide.
At the moment, he gets a cold and hes phoning me, the GP, the ambulance because he thinks hes so ill. If he ever had a REAL bad illness I dread to think. He doesn't listen to people including doctors.
He never has been able to get his head around things when a doctor says "Sorry we can't do anything for you". Thats why him and his doctor have fallen out - he keeps ringing and they keep telling him - there is nothing more than can do for his knees (he can walk but not far- better than a lot).
I have nightmares about him developing heart problems, lung problems, cancer or the like where nothing can be done. He just won't accept it. I can just imagine. I wouldnt want his last years to be so unhappy for him and, if I'm honest, it would probably kill stone dead any father/son relationship we have because of how he'd be.
I'm getting there to be honest. Its a massive fight but I'm getting there. Hes getting worse of course in all ways.
He WILL NOT change his living venue. He won't do anything I recommend. There will be a real crisis soon I know it. BUT I no longer run....
If I do contact and find out Dad has acted badly though it could go one of two ways in my head:-
1. It will totally eliminate any guilt so I'll be more than capable of just saying NO. I will be able to totally escape and have the relationship with him I am willing to have.
2. It will make me even angrier with him than I am now. I will find it difficult to do anything for him knowing what I know.
Do I really want to stir the pot and find out things that, long term, are going to cause me a lot of grief? Or do I stick with how things are slowly getting better?
After all, its getting to the point that its become pretty obvious, that Dad did not do everything he said. There is no way he "volunteered" to raise two small children as a single Dad in the early 70s. Theres much more to the story here. I KNOW this now - do I really need to know exactly what Dad has done? In my mind, hes still my Dad, but over the last few years my estimation has gone down from Hero to A@@hole level.
My parents worked hard and were able to put us through college. We got a good start in life and all 3 of us made/good livings.
That didn't matter at all to any of us when mom got old and needed full time care. Just because she was a good mother had NO bearing on our visiting, bringing her treats, deciding on a nursing home or pushing back when she called with a "non emergency emergency".
We all practised "self-preservation". Our families and our livelihoods came first. The day mom called (third day in a row) and I had to leave work in a panic, driving over unsafe roads to reach her, only to find that what was going on was not a real need but an anxiety driven-drama, I sat her down and told her that I couldn't and wouldn't do this anymore.
"Do what?" she wanted to know. I explained that living like this, on edge, rushing to her calls was going to cause me to lose my job, wreck my marriage and cause all of us kids to decline in health. And that her living situation was going to have to change, immediately.
If mom hadn't agreed to a change in venue, we ALL would have taken a big step back and waited for the crisis. I understand that you and your brother are not united in how you handle your dad, but you can only control your own behavior.
JUST because dad was a hero-dad does not mean you have to do what he demands. Parents have a responsibility to raise their children. Adult children have no similar responsibility to care for their elderly parents if it leads to hardship in their own family life or livelihood.
Just because dad doesn't understand your home life or your job doesn't make his demands reasonable.
You tell dad what you are willing to do and say "no, cant possibly manage that" to all else. No reason, no excuse, no guilt.
Just no.
Its only as Dad has got older, and I've come through the fog I've got curious and some of the "story" I've got when I was younger seems a little fishy. Its curiosity at the moment.
If I find out Dad has lied all these years, of course, I wont ditch him. It will make things a lot clearer though. Give me strength to push back and not give in to the years of conditioning where hes been a hero.
So, then if you don't respond to his constant made-up crisis, and when he has a real one, he can call any and all of the 4 choices above. He is not stranded without help. Therefore, you should not feel guilty at all for not responding to his fake or real illnesses. We all know the story of the boy who cries wolf.
The media regularly give us heart-warming stories about people finding long lost relatives after years of searching. At Paul’s age of approximately 50, it’s actually quite odd to make no efforts when it doesn’t seem a difficult thing to do. It comes across like an important part of the on-going problem.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can and that is all anyone can do.
Give him what you can, make the appropriate noises when he is feeling sorry for himself and trying to badger you into a visit and know that you will do what you can.
I fear that you are starting to struggle with his antics and buying into his beliefs. It is easy to do when you care and want to help. It's the constant games that create confusion and all this push pull emotions.
Yeah, I have to agree with you about your dad being over the top with the drama and the grocery routine. That has to be exhausting for you.
Reach out to your mom if you are interested in establishing a relationship with her...and adult to adult relationship. Not because you want to stir the pot with dad.
Your relationship with your father is evolving from one of slavish obedience, fear, obligation and guilt, to an adult to adult one, where each person is entitled to get his needs met and each is allowed to say "no, that doesnt work for me".
(Took a broken hip for real change there - just saying...)
One thing I am scared of - OK I know Dad is very demanding now. Our relationship has changed because of this. Its not great.
If I stir the pot and get confirmation that hes lied all these years, what is that going to achieve?
Yes I did speak to his GP some time ago. Twice in fact. No signs of and no need for any tests in their opinion.
I think Dad does it to garner pity its like "Oh woe is me, no-one will help me so I'll just struggle on all alone".
He also uses it to set up the next time. If hes been foiled one time he'll use it to turn up the heat next time "I can just about manage with the food I've got but you'll HAVE to come next week". Also, gets him out of me ordering the delivery because "I'll manage I'll just wait a week".
See Dad is the opposite. Cooks, uses the bathroom, showers, walks to town, drives his scooter. Not a huge amount actually wrong with him.
I've decided that could be the advertising slogan of mild cognitive impairment!
Paul: have you ever read any of the 'I'm so disheatened & angry' thread? 10,000 (& more...) posts ago it started with the Mother in Law stating "I'll manage" while keeping the poster at beck & call. *Spoilers* later on dx with dementia (vascular I think).
"It'll be ok" is my Mum's catch-phrase. Good. Positive. If untrue... as she is an elderly lady made wheelchair bound by stroke. Hearing impaired, sight impaired, cannot open the door, use a phone, prepare food, get to the bathroom. But wanted to stay home alone when Dad was in hospital. Wants what she wants when she wants it.
It really is silly now. He plays on it that "Ok you've missed this week but you'll HAVE to come next week without fail".
This week was silly too. He actually said "Oh dear, I'm so glad you were able to come. I prayed you'd be ok to come". Over the top or what????
Order his groceries. Don’t put yourself through the stress that is involved with shopping for him. He is using shopping to manipulate you. He isn’t going to starve.
Order his food. Make up an excuse why you can’t be there. Tell him you are busy with work or your family. Or tell him that you are sick and you’re contagious and don’t want him to get sick.
I did shopping for him - he needed next to nothing. I did have a go at him that last weekend he told me it was "urgent". He obviously had plenty of food. Also, he tried to get me to get around £15 worth - the old "keep stock levels low" trick.
Oh and he played Bowls (uk version of 10 pin sort of for older people) so his knees are fine. Hes not dying like he told me on sunday.
Probably not the best approach but I lost my temper with him. Told him hes constantly trying to blackmail me and he lies to me all the time.
His excuse "but you don;t visit very often!!!!". Bottom line I don't visit as often as he wants to he feels justified to do this.... Great...
Dad story is she used to send them now and again then not bother or forget so he told her to stop. Weird. I do wonder if he told her to stop anyway.
She undoubtedly made mistakes (my mother) but theres more to it.
Saying that I did have some contact a few years ago. She used to send me birthday cards, then one year I had a card three months late, another year she sent me a card on wifes birthday then my wife a card on her birthday. Not the actions of someone desperate to rebuild a relationship!
Yes he pushes and pushes then when he realises hes gone too far backs off. Protecting his asset lol.