Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
It was his birthday. So, he asked why my wife hadn't called him to wish him happy birthday. Well weird. My wife wants nothing to do with him - hes treated so badly over the years - but he seems to be ignoring this. I told him not not worry about it.
So bring it up again. Says its not on and he only sees her once a year as it is. And I need to "sort her out". I was so mad and told him to leave it alone and put the phone down on him.
He has no real relationship with my wife - so whats he after? All I can think is he wants her to pay homage to him and show respect to the KING. Its crazy.
Of course, never going to happen and it seems to have got him so mad....
He called back yesterday and said "Its ok its not your fault - its your wife" and I put the phone down again. Not having him doing that.
Some of the thing he says defy belief to be honest.
Do what you want to do when you want to do it. You owe him no explanations and when he starts in "this works for us, gotta go, bye, love you" and DISENGAGE.
Do you like to argue with him? If not - then don't. Don't give him an ultimatum. Don't get into explanations of your vacations. All you do is give him more time to kvetch and you to get angry. It is almost like you want a reason to get angry with him. Set your boundary, if he starts in on whatever, disengage. "dad - this works for us. Gotta go. Bye" My mom has finally learned that I will disengage when she starts in - so she does not. It took years. A lot of anger and tears on her part, but I refused to play. "I might as well kill myself" "mom, I will take that seriously and call 911 now. bye" "you hate me, you won't do XXXX" "no - mom - I love you. gotta go, bye" "why won't youXXX" "it doesn't work for me, gotta go, bye"
I did call him once when I was away and he said "don't worry about me but I've had to call the doctor out". Umm not worried AT ALL!!!! All he has was a sore throat -buy some strepsils..... Of course, stupid doctor gave him anti-biotics which validated it in his head.
Of course, his real reason was "how dare you go away and not worry about me. Here - I'm illl now please worry". Nope didn't work on me.
He annoyed me before I went too. Decided to tell me I needed my head looking at because I was being irresponsible taking another holiday where I don't get paid (I went to Spain for 5 days at Easter!) And that I didn't need another holiday and he was AMAZED I could be so greedy. Greedy? Seriosuly....Told him I'm not trying to win the "richest man in the graveyard" like hes going for.
Told him to mind his own business, and that my work situation or financial situation was not his business either.
Yes I know - it translates to "Oh no you're going away again so can't be at my beck and call for another few weeks".
I'd love to emigrate I think...
But yes I started saying no so he upped the stakes.
As for the ultimatum, I'd say go ahead to do it. Tell him the reason, then keep away for a month or so. If he ups his games, keep away longer. You'll see he'll survive with or without your help. He did survive your vacation, didn't he?
Im genuinely curious why you think that giving your dad an ultimatum with result in a change in his behavior.
He "upped" his demands and you pushed back, right? You changed your behavior and he changed his, by making more demands.
Nothing us going to make him less demanding. You can only say "no" and mean it and not let his anger and neediness upset you. I'm assuming that you've pointed out that he can get services from NHS and he doesnt want that.
"Sorry dad, that's what's on offer."
He did his best to ruin my holiday - pulled the sick card out days before. I ignored that.
Hes since decided that everyone WILL do what he wants. It was recently his birthday and he decided that he was not getting enough respect so kicked off again.
Im at the verge of giving him an ultimatum. Treat me properly or visits will stop completely.
My wifes a nurse. Nothing to do with IT. She cant even type!
I do know in advance mostly when I'm doing it. 1 in 3 pretty much although it can change. Even when I'm on call at weekends my wife works and I'm childcare but you never know. I do have remote access so its very rare I'd have to go into office (they'd have to wait for me to sort childcare).
If I get called at 2am maybe and have got childcare next day admitedly it wont be cool :-( But thats the way it is. Wife works shifts so we've no option.
So as you can imagine some weekends I'm on call. Its impossible pretty much to schedule a Dad visit when I'm not on call. The two weekends out of three I tend not to do on call are organised when I really don't want to be called. Daughters got party and wife is working, daughters ice skating show, family event etc.
Since Dad doesn't "really" need shopping 90% of the time and there are alternatives (like home delivery) then I don#t see an issue. I get called about once a fortnight on average.
To be honest I might just stop giving him a heads up and deal with it if it happens from now on.
But you're right Dad doesnt understand. In one breath he says "Whoa thats awful - you have to be available 24/7 and even have to work if they call you" then five mins later "So you get paid for basically doing nothing all weekend if they don't call you?"
But it is difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that you don't know from day to day when you are going to be on call, so I can imagine how hard it is for someone that didn't even work around much technology, IT, stuff to get it at all. I guess you guys have different labor laws then we do.
I would still try to find a way to schedule him in and tell him I will be there and we can deal then. It would help you not feel stressed about having to find time all the time. Even if you have to go at odd hours to just visit and not be able to run him around, that could get grocery delivery brought to the forefront.
You just sound so stressed out all the time and quite frankly, that is really bad for you.
I know that you want to do right by your dad and fulfill all of your obligations, but you and dad are kinda stuck in this unhealthy dance of he pushes and you whirl, something has to give before your health does. The only way I know how to stop it is for you to not be able to be pushed.
Don’t beat yourself up too badly. Most likely all caregivers need to chill a bit. Happens to the best of us. You can count me in on that. I’m certainly not perfect and feel the strain of caregiving often. Hang in there, Paul. We can continue to encourage one another.
Paul, my husband has the same situation as far as work goes. You’re right. There are no set hours. Couple that with international travel and it’s a very demanding position to be in.
As someone said, I might stop telling him - he doesnt listen anyway - and then if it happens that I can't go I can't go.
Thing is I'm not management lol, but I do work in an industry (IT) that is completely alien to Dad. In his day, you worked in the factory went home on time etc. He just does not understand that I've got no set hours, I'm paid to do a job and a lot is on me. Then out of hours stuff needs to keep running.
Deffo like a sport for him. See what he can think of to make me do what he wants...
But you're right I need to chill a bit.
If you knew for a certainty when you would be going then you could fall to that time with every push from dad.
You are right that he doesn't understand the upper management position, it is typically not a favorable impression from the worker bees, no offense intended. It is a very different reality, my employees used to tell me how lucky I was to be the owner. Oh really, I am the one that works all the overtime and takes all the heat, if a customer doesn't pay my check is the 1st thing that doesn't get paid and on and on, just no reality with what it all entails.
I am not trying to make you wrong, I just think you aren't seeing how beneficial a set scheduled day to visit would be. He can think with a set time, it makes sense to him and he will be less likely to buck a set schedule.
You can start in September since you are going to be gone in August. Heck, give yourself a complete holiday in August and schedule him now for September and tell him when he brings it up, see you September xx, every time he pushes.
Parents know our every button and some use that as a way to keep us off balance all the time, it's like a sport for them. Change your reaction with a set scheduled time and see how it works, can't make it any worse. My dad was the same way, the more I gave the more he wanted, they are having their 2nd childhood and need a little guidance.
I.e. he's not pushing for more and more. You're less and less able to bear the emotional toll it takes on you. What are you going to do about it?
BUT, he pushes for more and more. If he could get away with it he'd have me visit pretty much every day or two.
Yes the on call. I guess its a different world to what hes used. He worked in a factory - you clocked out the exact minute your shift ended. I often phone him on my home from work - time can vary - he just can't get his head around the fact that I've no start and finish times....
On call he often says "thats not fair being available 24/7". Well, thats the way of the world Dad. I've got lots of responsibility.
To be honest, it does counter his views that my brother has got a "proper" job (hes a welder so dad understands this world) whereas I must be a paper-pusher who sits around all day in an office. So yes Dad, they don't pay me well for nothing and on call is not easy at times...
I said it before and I say it again, pick one or two days a month that you can take the time to go visit dad. I will be there at xx on xx and we can deal with it then. Then have a time weekly that you can give him 5 or 10 minutes on a call.
I can imagine that he is having a hard time comprehending the on call, I bet he thinks if something better doesn't come up.
I can't imagine that you can't look at your August calendar and put dad on for a couple of hours one day. You don't want to, I get that. I do believe that he would learn that you will be there when you say and not any other time.
Maybe bring a calendar that shows the day(s) and post it where he can see. Old people thrive in consistency and that is difficult to deal with when your life is a whirlwind of change.
I think you would feel better knowing that you are scheduled for a visit and that is that. You can always say, "Dad, I will be there on this day and we can deal with it then." Again and again and again. No excuses, no frustrations that he doesn't understand, just a half day or less dedicated to dad duty, you will be there and done.
Be sure to put him on the calendar so no appointments are scheduled for his time, ask all of your family to support you in this. Take your children once in a while and give your wife a break from all household members.
Good luck, you can control your interactions with him if you hold your ground and give him a scheduled time.
I do have loads of experience dealing with narcs
I have a few in my life. That's how I know you're getting sound advice on here. Just please listen to it was all I was trying to say. Sorry if it came across harsh.