Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
But then again, knowing that he is like your dad, I would have left the commitments part out - nothing personal for the discussion. He IS like your dad and you have to stick to the barest minimum in discussion, such as 'Dad needs SOME help, let's work out a fair schedule to help with the tasks he NEEDS help with.' But, I agree with you - that ship has sailed. Hopefully you didn't board it.
From all the discussions, it doesn't sound like dad *really* needs help. He refuses to use a washer/dryer? Not the same as he CAN'T use them. Refuses food delivery, but can manage to go shopping with you? Can get out to meet with his friends, etc? I think at this point I would leave him high and dry for 2 weeks (or more) and see what happens (keeping blocks on your and wife's phones/facebook, etc. NO CONTACT.) You know he has food (and you only assist in getting the food, you don't prepare it), so he isn't going to starve. What else would he need? He IS capable, but is playing the poor old me schtick.
There is a gentleman in TX who will be 105 THIS MONTH, and he still takes care of himself, including riding his motorized scooter all over the place, and up until just before he was 104, he took care of his wife who had dementia!!! Your dad isn't that old, and can do a lot for himself, he just doesn't want to. Well, if no one comes to help, what will he do? I seriously doubt he will curl up in a ball and die. Who cares what anyone says or thinks if you do this.
It would be nice to work together and work out a reasonable schedule for you both to share, but clearly (as you yourself said) he's a chip off the old block(head.) Many of us know of the siblings who don't help (or do the barest minimum - in his case he sends his flunky, the wife!) and there are those who have the siblings who not only don't help, but chime in to tell YOU how to do it right or criticize how you do it.
I know you have a 2 week vaca coming up - try a prelude, 2 weeks incommunicado before that trip. He's managed to get through your other vacas, he can manage to live without your help all the time.
They cant physically make you do it. They can only guilt or throw a tantrum. What do we do with kids who throw tantrums? Walk away, hang up phone, disingage.
You could say that after her treatment recently, your wife has put her foot down about his demands, and you are not prepared to break up your own family to care for him. I'm surprised she hasn't done this already.
If dear brother won't co-operate, perhaps you could stick the boot in by suggesting that Dad is in his second childhood and your brother can send him off to your mother to look after!
There is only so much Paul to go around. Imagine your time and energy as water, in limited quantity. How much of it do you use to water the old dying plant? How much for the young growing ones?
Your dad has his own reservoir (his savings), he also has other resources to tap into (senior center, adult day care, assisted living facility), but no, he insists on using your limited water supply at the expense of you and your growing family.
He uses guilt to make you do that, but you've wised up, Paul. Decide how much water you can spare him, and stick to that.
Your dad decides his own fate because he's still capable. When he legally can't make his own decisions, then you can step in. Until then, he makes his own bed.
No guilt, Paul. And keep both brother's and dad's numbers blocked.
I tried to speak to him the other day.... Tried to explain that I had other commitments etc which were different to his. His reply "that's your problem not mine, but Dad needs looking after". Even when I said even if I wanted to I just can't commit to the time his answer was "not my problem you need to choose then". Nice eh?
Meeting with my mother is something I am considering...
Alas, as with all things, once and idea is in his head, he won't let it go. Homes for the elderly are like Work Houses in Charles Dickens' time in my Dads head....
Also, we're talking South Wales valleys here. Its the sort of place where, especially his generation, "men are men", and to be "put away in a home" is something to be talked about in hushed tones.....
Once again, could you get on good enough terms with your brother so that you can push this together? A joint strategy has to be better than being on opposite sides. And also once again, how about meeting your mother? She might have some useful ideas too.
Yes, he is seeking attention. He craves interaction. He is lonely, and hangs on to contact with you long past the point where there is any need for or meaning to it.
Now: where might he go and live where he would be interacting with his peers and others all day long, do you think?
I honestly can't think of any other senior person I've heard described who would benefit *more* from residential care, while he's still fit enough to adapt to it. Do him and yourself a real favour and push for it.
Then I began to see that MOST of the stuff he wanted me to do was not because he needed it done but because he liked having someone doing something for him. As he's fought back I can see how desperate he is that he wants me to just be there to do exactly what he wants me to do.
Number of times, past few weeks where hes wanted something. I've offered an alternative, which is better (but easier for me) and hes backed down. Then I've invited him places and hes said no, then hes moaned he never goes out and I've reminded him - again he backs down.
At one point when my dad was just absolutely and totally and ridiculously childish and demanding it was clear to me: he has plenty of options, and if something happened right now- I would be sad but NOT FEEL GUILTY.
And that set me free. I don't know if that's helpful. Of course I waffled in and out of this "enlightened" mindset. But for the time, it helped with my burn out.
Telling him straight. Maybe. But I'd rather not upset him too much really.
I had to stop inviting my parents for Xmas. Mom would keep trying to talk politics to start a fight. Wind herself up in the process. It was ugly. Who wants to hear that? I think part of it was being so alone, so when she got around people whatever was in her head came out with force. She learned her lesson, but it took a few years. Other families members had to talk to her about it. She did behave herself after. We were able to have some good holidays. Put I had to teach her how to treat me.
Mind you it didnt stop arguments in other places outside the home. Narcs try to control you in other places. I know all about narcs.
Haven't you ever heard of lying?
Probably already said on here but hes ruined a few xmases. I used to drive 60 mins round trip to collect him, then 60 mins home. He always played up and upset everyone. I used to massive arguments with wife thinking she was being mean but he proved that he just ruined it for everyone and didnt give a monkeys about anyone else. (He used to try and demand I pick him up certain time, then I'd say "after the kids opened the presents", and he'd say "they can manage" or "well they'll just have to to understand". Yes when one of them was 3-4 years old).
Last year, I invited him boxing day. Wife is a nurse so I just said she's working xmas day. (She ended up working boxing day so she was VERY happy to miss him).
In all honesty, even boxing day I can't expect my wife to put up with him. She may be working or may go out shopping I don't know. Other than that I was going take him out on my own to a restaurant or something.
He'll probably push it and want to know why though and I'll probably have to tell him its best he doesn't visit. Then he'll fake upset and wonder what hes done. Seen it before...
https://youtu.be/nC5tL2k0ds4
My wife literally cannot stand him. As I've said before, shes spot on as well. Hes caused so much grief for everyone.
After the last weekend away incident wife was REALLY annoyed (since brother dragged her into it too). Of course, she knows what goes on and has seen him do the same thing several times in the last few months.
He apologised to me. (Wearing a bit thin when he does the same thing a week later) and asked me to apologise to wife.
Now its as if it never happened and has been swept under the carpet (hes a master at doing this - things just wont get mentioned again ever). He just does not get that hes caused so much trouble,
It does wear me down at the moment. Its like a game of chess. I refuse to do something, he counters with another attack, then something else. Some days I just dont want to speak to him/see him because I know it'll be a battle. He wont give in easily it seems.
Now that you're feeling angry, the best thing to do is to channel that anger into positive actions to improve your situation/relationship to where you are in control of your actions and your time. Change one step at a time, one call at a time, one conversation at a time, one 'putting the phone down' at a time. He'll learn that you're not the same Paul that he was controlling like a marionette.
https://youtu.be/6WtsPc3w9XU
I was angry with my brothers for the little help and empathy they provided for me, who has done the bulk of getting mom assessed, placed, and ensuring she has what she needs, hauling her butt to the ER, doctors and dentists, managing all her "affairs" AND coordinating/doing a lot of the cleanup, fix up and sale of her condo. The condo sucked up about a year and a half alone (plus it was about 1.5 hours each way!) I found myself tense, which leads to pain (spinal issues flare up as well as other pain), ranting at them (while alone in my own home) when I am overwhelmed with tasks, etc. I finally realized this is NOT good for me and does NOTHING to change them and doesn't help me get done what needs doing.
I typed up an email/letter of sorts to one brother who had called me a know-it-all (among other things) early in the whole saga (I am not one, but know more than he does about dementia AND I don't keep my head in the sand about it!) to set him straight, but never sent it. The other brother, I thought I could count on him, but apparently that abusive one year older brother of mine is still the same as he was when we were young (physically, verbally and psychologically abusive.) After several warning signs that I missed, he threw me to the floor twice and was extremely verbally abusive while packing his stuff to leave after I told him to get the F out of my house!
He gets angry if you don't understand him, he gets angry if he doesn't understand you, thinks he knows more than he does, criticizes everyone else because he is just soooo perfect and everyone else is sooo stupid.
After the fact, it is like it never happened, for him that is. I suffered with a badly bruised ankle for WEEKS. Thankfully he isn't local because he isn't welcome back here, ever. I typed up another email/letter for him, but did not send it. After the condo sale, guess who had to handle all the tax issues (it involved all of us because it was a life-estate)? He posed multiple questions, asking me instead of the tax preparer. Like I know anything about this stuff!!! I would only answer what was needed (such as call the tax person!) and didn't respond to some emails and/or questions - in his mind the incident was over the next day, so he just doesn't get it (I did some research on this and found out that sibling abuse is under-represented, likely more pervasive than other domestic abuse and is not very well studied. Too often parents, or whoever, including the abused, chalk it up to sibling rivalry! I can assure you that it is not.)
Writing it down like that was somewhat cathartic. It allowed me to get it all out (multiple writing/editing sessions!) and then let it go. The letters are still there in my draft folder, but will likely stay there. NEITHER will even understand or accept that they are the problem. However, it is like burying the anger there - it is trapped in that email and over time it has had less and less impact on me. At this point, I couldn't tell you what I wrote, but I have no desire to go look!
Try it, you might like it! Even if you have no time to write, at least understand the anger is not helping you, is NOT impacting them and does you more harm than good. When you feel it coming on, deeeep breath and refocus on something pleasant, like your wife or your kids (at least when they are all behaving nice!!!) ;-)
Of course, I've still got to be careful of the "exclusion zone". I can't admit to being within 10 miles of his home because this would mean I should have visited in his eyes.
If dad/brother bring it up, you go silent. They cant complain about things they are not entitled to know.
Thats on you for telling him. You know you would get a lecture about whatever it is. You are unavailable on the weekend. Leave it at that. They cant comment or lecture if they dont know. If they start to lecture, walk away, hang up phone. Good luck.
Your respective values, clearly, are also different, but we needn't comment on those. He does what he thinks is right - getting someone else to help your Dad, leaving his daughter to others to sort out, going to work, seeing his mates, giving you instructions - and you do what you think is right. But having made his choices, he doesn't worry.
You could do worse than take that particular leaf out of his book. I think your judgement is probably more worthy of confidence than his, so it's a pity and an irony that you're the one who wastes so much effort on questioning it and defending it.
To be fair to your brother, though, I also think you're rather missing Margaret's point. What I've just said about him is my opinion based on your description of him. But I expect his description would be different; and Margaret is explaining that he too probably finds looking after your father a struggle, in his own way. Comparing notes instead of accusing and blaming one another might indeed be productive.
He tells you that you should do more to help your father.
What do you ever tell him he should do? Anything? Or are you always on the defensive with him?
Yes he works but he tends to send his wife up to see my Dad and job done for him. Shes happy to do so it seems (she can see his money I think!). Hes then free to come home, go down the pub whenever he wants with just an hour visit on a saturday am for him. If Dad kicks off its not a big deal for him as long as it doesnt ruin his night out.
But then he expects me to be the same and, same as Dad, he tells me I should put Dad first above my family. Easy for him to say of course.
I've given up talking to him. He won't listen - thats the deal as far as hes concerned.
It could be an idea to have a talk to brother about all the issues – difficult father, stupid requests, guilt and obligation about single-dad upbringing, possible visits to estranged mother, wives with different views, etc etc. If you two could bury the hatchet (and not in each other's heads!), you might be able to work out a strategy that would make life easier for both of you. It would have to help if you were both consistent in your approaches.
Another strategy to consider! Yours, Margaret