Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
A little perspective, please. Quite what you were doing on Facebook when you were supposed to be enjoying the music I've no idea; but I would note that you can hardly feel aggrieved about being expected to respond when there's no decent internet connection, AND complain that brother was harassing you on F/b.
A little logic wouldn't hurt, either. If the message comes from brother to call father, brother ergo must be in contact with father. Ergo father is attended by son. Ergo no need whatever for your assistance. Your options are:
Reply "No."
Reply "Sure" and do it on Monday.
Ignore message.
Delete message.
Block contact.
So endless options, really - but you go for the "get into a barney and then resent it."
Ruined your weekend, indeed! Balls. Who did you see?
Remember Im at a music festival, minimal phone signal, no power, little internet. I'd already told Dad I wouldn't be phoning him.
So I get fbook message from brother "phone dad urgently". I reply "whats up?". Another reply "just phone him now!". So I think get stuffed its obviously nothing if you can't even tell me.
He then messages my wife. Really. "Tell Paul to phone dad now". Wife responds "look whats the problem, theres little signal here, its not going to be possible". So then she gets a long message telling her how selfish we both are because we can't spare 5 mins.
Lets just say she is not impressed. And I can't blame her.
I didn't phone Dad. I called him last night. This was all over a letter hes had from the electric company telling him his payment is overdue. I've sorted it out this morning and got it all done (just confusion because he switched suppliers).
Dad swears blind that he didnt ask brother to contact me. Not sure here. Past experience has shown he panics and expects all hands on deck. I went mad, between the pair of them they pretty much ruined my weekend. Wife is on the warpath and wants something sorted.
What on earth the pair of them expected for me to sort out, sitting in a field, 75 miles from home with dodgy mobile signal I'll never know.
Part of the BIG problem is that he is home alone with nothing to do but ruminate on everything. Then blast you about it.
Try to find him a hobby. Maybe some games of cards, or a forum of some type maybe online. He can get on there and rant and write, till the cows come home. Or something else online to occupy him. Someone to write an opinion back. Just be careful he doesnt get catfished! Maybe you can monitor on occasion to make sure hes not giving $ away to some love in nigeria.
My dad loved the history channel on tv. He couldnt believe 1 channel dedicated to all things military. Or the history channel, or the one about cars. I parked him in front of that; and him and ww2 were a match made in heaven. Occupied him for hours. Im talking like 8 hours straight. We had problems prying him away from it. Taped some shows for him too. Thats hours your dad can be preoccupied with things that interest him, and not bugging you lol. Good luck!
Hard cider huh?. A friend showed me a youtube vid of an english group called the Wertzels. Their song was about drinking hard cider lol.
It’s an aphorism, “Good news will wait. Bad news will find you soon enough.”
She meant, No need to worry in advance. Especially when there is nothing that can be done about made up problems or exasperating ole codgers.
Here is an example. I used to get annoyed with my mom for wanting me to call her to tell her I was home. No! I’m not doing that.
I covered a huge territory for my work. Driving and flying and a lot of time on the phone. I’m not calling everyone to say I’m fine. Just understand in advance please. I am fine and if I’m not....“Bad news will find you soon enough”. No disrespect meant to my mom. Just not going to give myself another job.
So, it’s an old saying that means ...yes, bad things happen but there is no need to worry, little to be done in advance and it all balances out so don’t fret about what you have no control over. And yes, life happens, but no need to rush it. ‘Cause “ bad news will find you soon enough”.
REALLY?
Paragons of virtue, maybe. Normal people my eye.
This is what I mean about your developing an allergy to your father. Everyone else around you can be opinionated, bitchy, bossy, whiney, pompous, mean or whatever and that's just normal. Your father does it, and it gives you chest pains.
Which is not right of course. Normal people only comment on things appropriately and when its their business.
Most of it is hes got away with it for so long he thinks he can do and say as he wants. Everyone jumps. Also, he uses being old as an excuse for everything.
What you're hearing from your father is his stream of consciousness. He speaks out all of the loose ends and snippets and fleeting thoughts that pop into his head, without regard for their relevance or appropriateness.
This is not necessarily a sign of dementia or even just old age. You meet people who do this in all walks of life, and jolly annoying they are when you've asked a plain question and want a plain answer. E.g. "how long have you been married?" "He was going out with this other girl but her dog died and he fell out with her mum so he came round to our house, it was tea time, and Tom didn't like eggs - he's my brother - is it true they give you salmonella?" But you really do need to know how long this lady has been married so you can't swear at her or burst into tears or walk away, you have to bring her back to the question as swiftly and gently as you can. Think Vicky Pollard.
Your father is the Vicky Pollard of elderly Welsh gentlemen.
But. If this is getting steeply worse, it may be a symptom and you need to keep an eye on it. The other possibility is that your irritation is getting worse because you are now very sensitive to it, having had more than enough of it, and the man can't open his mouth without annoying the heck out of you. Or a bit of both, of course.
What you *don't* do is take what he says to you as a real statement conveying real meaning or intention, or not without triangulating it first anyway.
Last night he saw fit to comment that it "wasn't right" that we're not taking our teenage son with us. (Hes staying home with gran to play computer games all weekend - his idea of heaven. He had the option to come though). This is from the guy who advised my brother to put his daughter into care because "he hasn't got time to look after her with work and the like".
Then there's "so I'll see no-one the weekend, can't you just miss the end and come and see me sunday?" NO. "Can't you ring me?" NO
And then to top it all off, hes seen on TV that people take drugs at festivals. (Shocker there!) So I get a lecture off him. Jeez Im 51 years of age!!!! He gets really nasty and tells me I shouldn't be going to places like this....
(For the record, I don't do any drugs, apart from cider. Don't suppose you can count Imodium - same is USA? - you should see the toliets ewwww)
Did she mean: Don't be complacent, your turn will come? Karma will bite your behind?
Tell them these constant emergencies are not emergencies and you are determined to be around to watch your child grow up. They arent going to put you in the hospital. You have a perfect excuse to limit the stress and contacts.
Limit their calls. 1x a day or pick every other. If they abuse the call to demand you drop everything, or complain to you, they get blocked for that day. Period.
If your on vacation or out of the area on work, you will see them when you return. Period. Wife can screen calls if they try to push fake emergency. They dont get to get ahold of you wilst on business out of town.
They are 2 grown men. They will live just fine. There will be push back, just back it up with a phone block. When you check in, if they start with the guilt/unpleasantness, they get 1 warning your going to hang up. Then do it. They can be trained. Problem is they have you trained. Now its time to train them. Good luck. You'll get there.
When I divorced and considered the idea of "getting" my WWII era home free and clear, I inwardly screamed "Nooooooo". I don't know about roofs, plumbing or water mains. Got myself a lovely coop apartment where everything is taken care of for a monthly fee.
Now, hes done it so many times, I'm resigned myself that when its his time to go, he'll probably be sat in his chair passed away. He will have called his GP (who refuses to come), called an ambulance (same with them they don't rush any more), and called me and expected me to drop everything. And we'll all say "Ah he was ill this time after all"
I've made my peace with the possibility that might happen though :-)
Blocking brothers number. Very tempted!
Barb you're right there would be nothing I can do. Dad WOULD though expect everyone to come running.
An example. He had man come out to look at his gas heating. The man checked (as I expect is standard to be honest) and said there was a gas leak that needed to be done. He was going to send someone urgently to sort it out. (It was only a small leak probably been like it for months but I guess once they knew they were obliged to deal with it).
He went into a major wobbler. Wanted me to leave work at 2pm to come to him. I couldn't. He was not happy. In the end, I didn't go at all. He had a man there who was a trained engineer dealing with it. What could I add exactly? Nothing.
This is EXACTLY how'd he be with the hospital. He'd expect me there in attendance...
And if he's really ill, the hospital will care for him and be in touch. What is there that you can't do via telephone?
Dad has your brother who lives near by. He can deal with dad's problem for one week. If you cut short your vacation, all you accomplish would be ruining everyone's vacation for NO GOOD reason.
Please block brother's number, too. If you don't, he'll call and lay guilt on you and ruin your vacation for you.
Of course, with me it doesn't help that Dad "pretends" hes dying when hes not. Have had a few of those :-(
As you say, I can't just wait around and put things on hold and never go away. It took years and he ruined a good few holidays where I sat in the airport worried sick I shouldn't be going (and then worried when I was away).
Only recently have I realised that these "illnesses" always came on when I was going away and he even slipped up one day and said "You shouldn't go so far (USA - so 8 hour+ transatlantic flight) because its too far if Im ill". I had a bit of lightbulb moment after that when I knew what he was playing at.
The other part of this solemn pledge was that if mom died, we'd keep her on ice until everyone was back home.
You make your peace with the fact that each visit might be your last. After several experiences in our collective youth, watching relatives rush to deathbeds multiple times, we all agreed that we didn't need to do this. Ironically, I WAS there when my mom passed.
Yes Dad has done this several times before. He gets "ill" before I do something. One year I almost cancelled a holiday to Florida....
Twice as well, when hes disagreed with the doctor, hes accidentally hit his head and fallen to get his wish (i.e. admitted to hospital).
First time we were suspicious, 2nd time evern hospital said head wound was self-inflicted. It looked like he'd deliberately, scraped his head on cupboard door.
I intend to block his number this weekend. In the event of a dire emergency, my brother can deal. If they REALLY need me brother can call me and I'll decide if its important or not.
My mom would have emergencies on my bday/holidays to make turn it into a command performance. Yes they can and will do that.
Dont say anything about not visiting or why your busy that weekend.
Part of the problem he can see no wrong with how he behaves. You can guarantee this latest incident won't even register. My wife won't even speak to him (and she's absolutely spot on and I agree with her) but can guarantee he won't know what hes done.....
Here's the thing: seniors do this for attention. You could be by their side all day long from sun up to sun down holding their hand every second and it wouldn't be enough according to them. Some people are so negative that there is nothing you can say or do that would make them happy. And it's not because you are doing anything "wrong"- you're doing fine and actually doing the right thing. It has nothing to do with you, it's a personal control issue on the parents' part. Most elderly are of the mindset that in order to get anything done right, you gotta do it yourself. Well, they can no longer do things for themselves, which is why things aren't done to their satisfaction.
As caregivers, our job is to make sure the home is safe, clean, secure and our loved ones are healthy, clean and fed. Our loved ones' personal happiness is NOT our choice or responsibility. We cannot force someone to be happy, as much as we might want to.
And then he had the cheek to wonder why I seemed a bit "off".....