Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Id think the more pressing issue is a violent child. That can be a real danger to everyone. Here is a link might help. You gotta get a handle on that first.
http://www.autism-help.org/behavior-out-of-control.htm
As for dad hes upping the anti to regain control over you, bc your implementing new strategies.
If he continues go radio sinlence. You have enuff to worry about without him demanding. You have all the control, you just dont know it. He has you trained with guilt. That is a hard thing to erase.
If you say NO the worldvwont end, he can sulk but hell go and do something else. If freezer is bare oh well. He can order a pizza. He wont starve. If he doesnt see you he will live just fine. Hell go watch tv.
You need to implement the hang up on him. He will learn. Or he can call brother. Tell him you cant deal with his problems now, your hanging up. Hell just call brother.
You have to work on your guilt. Remember your dad is doing just fine with the food he's got.
If dad starts complaining your hanging up and do it. No more calls for that day. Your done.
Jeez he has no limits. Hes already using this as part of his scam. Apparently, "I'll have to visit this weekend because he wants to discuss it with him".....
And true to form, his cousin (Who took him to hospital appt) has weighed in with an opinion. Apparently, his boys (i.e me an brother) need to step up and look after him so he can have his operation....
This is the guy who did this - dad was away with his cousin, fell over ended up in hospital with stitches and concussion. Of course, they wanted someone to stay the night with him. So he stayed at cousins house. 9am next morning his cousin is ringing me "I only agreed one night, can you collect him I've got things to do. He can't stay longer".
OK I'll bite. Tell me what you would do here in this situation....
You're teenage son has Apergers. Hes smashed the house up again. Your wife is having a bad spell of Fibromyalgia, she can hardly walk. Shes off work with no pay. You're 6 year old is fine but a handful. You've got to upset your client (again no pay for me) because you've got to take time off for childcare.
Oh and did I say that twice now you've had to bail from work early because you're teenage son has put his mother in hospital. (yes the same mother who can't walk some days anyway!) Oops just a small thing....
You go and see Dad whenever you can at the weekend. He moans when you take you're daughter because "she gets in the way". He feigns illness, fabricates things, plays the martyr, lies all the time. You KNOW what hes doing?
Am I not allowed to say "Whoa hang on Dad this is not on?"
Of course, I could disown my children, divorce my wife, quit my job, and move in with Dad.... Hmmmm you think I should do that? I am really interested in what you would do though.
His excuse is always "We were poor when I was younger so I don't want to waste it now".
To be honest, he likes not spending - not spending makes him happy for some reason. I always tell him "You can't take it with you" but its in one ear and out the other.
In reality, hes got so much he could never spend it all....
I've told him time and time again if worse comes to worse the government will take this money off him for a care home. (Thats how it works in the uk, they will take you're money if you have it). So not spending it and doing without things is crazy!
I think sometimes they use it as a "test" to see if you'll do it to be honest. My Dad does.... Hes the same, his excuse is always "can't you spare time for me", "it wont cost you much".
I don't get paid either when not in work but he still expects me to take a day off to take him to hospital rather than pay £10 for a taxi. Im fortunate to earn decent money so its a fair bit more than that I lose! I've even offered to pay but no - so its a test I think to see if I come through. (I dont btw).
Seems crazy if the money is going to you anyway as well. Dad is like that too. Theres two of us though. Dad has got approx £30-40K in the bank but I've never seen someone so tight. Brothers car broke down and he couldnt get to work - Dad gave him £300($400) for a new car! What hes keeping it in the bank for I'll never know...
My wife was working anyway - but there was no way in a million years she'd have come with him. Can't blame her either!
He does this a lot. I invite him somewhere - doesn't want to go. Then few days later hes moaning that he never goes anywhere! Drives me crazy....
As I've always said, a lot of it with Dad is control - he likes to be in charge. If you invite him its your idea. If he says "visit me on sunday" hes in charge and likes you to jump.
Silence...."
Paul, you made him speechless!!!! Love it!!!
He apparently thought he was the only dad. He thought of no one else. What a surprise!
I think it was a good thing that your dad turned down the lunch offer. If he had gone out with you all for lunch, he would have ruined it for everyone. You, your wife and kids would not have enjoyed your time together. I recommend you NOT extend the invitation next year. Meet him separately.
My mother has mid stage Alz. It is difficult being in the same room with her hearing repeated comments and questions every few minutes. My kids can not tolerate that. So, I try to not have them together unless there is no other option.
The fact that your wife regularly encounters people who are having a SH*T time does not mean that your father is not having a rough time.
But neither does that mean that you can make it all better. I am very glad that you are gaining more and more perspective.
SMART got everywhere. I last encountered it as part of a module on working with NEETs on a Child Protection course. At least it made more sense and was less cringe-making than publications like "Who Moved My Cheese?" but I don't think it reckoned with Young People's ability to take the mick.
Thanks for the support here. You're right.... Although he has no reasons to be more than anyone else his age. His health is not that bad, hes got a social life, family who see him etc.... He could be worse. As you know, my wifes a DN and the stories she tells me of old people ignored by families, stuck at home dying etc.
Always the problem though and I get it. "Poor dad", "all he wants is someone to help him", "we'll all be old one day", "put yourself in his shoes".
That was my problem. I listened to these people. With the help of people on here, I dont listen as much now. I'm not that good but I'm getting there.
Paul's father just wants to know that someone really cares. Just? Know? Really cares? What do those all mean in practice?
Paul's father is a depressive, a career complainer, a black hole of negativity. He is a bitter and disappointed man, and he does have some reason to be - maybe a few more reasons than comparable men in their eighties - and in addition to that he is old and he is ill.
But it is not possible for Paul or anyone else to care about him in a way that he would accept as proof that they "really care." In his demands, Paul's father sets Paul up to fail.
So in placing his personal boundaries Paul has to set SMART goals instead, and aim to deliver on those. What he has to forget is the lost cause that his father will be... happy.
For those who missed the infinite joys of corporate life in the eighties and nineties, SMART goals are:
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Realistic
Time bound
So phoned him, yes I'll be there, "what shopping do you want me to get?"
"Oh I don't need much, (gives me a list with about 8 items on it) I've got meals on wheels booked all week".
(Argghh you've been nagging me all week telling me how desperate you are).
"Dad I'll get more - You've got a huge freezer you can put a lot of this in. It'll keep for months (he likes frozen tv dinners and was insisting I buy one or two)"
So he kicks off and moans. I got 12 anyway. Im sick of him deliberately emptying his freezer so he can play the no food card.
Gets worse. "So are you coming at 12".
"No Dad - I'll be there at about 2pm". (I'd previously invited him for lunch and he refused, "it'll be too busy").
"No I want you to come at 12"
"Dad - Remember I'm going for lunch".
"Yes but its fathers day, you should be putting me first, you can have lunch another day".
"Dad - yes MY KIDS are taking me out, because I'm their FATHER".
Silence....
Honestly, if it hadn't been fathers day yesterday....
Would he like to exchange places with me where its a constant battle balancing needs of everyone? Probably not.
Dont feel bad you did it. You need to teach him how to treat you. He doesnt care he ignores your boundries or common decency.
Id only check in with him 2-3x a week if hes constantly bugging you about food, going out, doing his bidding etc.
If he started complaining he doesnt get to go to the park. Or he goes immediately home. Dont put up with that. Or that your daughter should come last.
If he said nasty remarks about you, your wife or child leave, hang up, walk away. He has no right to say those things. You have to put a stop to the narc thinking he can do whatever he wants.
If he starts complaining about the same thing every day via phone call- say thats enough. Ive heard it before, Im done. Im hanging up now. He continues then do it.
You woudnt tolerate that behavior from a coworker, wife, friend, or stranger. Stop it from him. You need to stop thinking he's my dad, I cant. Remember when you feel guilt, that your dad has no problem running over your boundries. He doesnt feel guilt at all. He's acting on the mental maturity of a 4yr old.
If I take him out, we occasionally go to a country park. I go there because theres a coffee shop, ducks, play park, so Dad gets a ride out and daughter gets to go int he park etc (after being so good sitting in car for another 30 mins).
Dad moans constantly and gives his opinion. Like - "she doesnt need to go in the park", "leave the park I want to go home now". Its ANOTHER battle to try and get him to understand that if I've got a child with me hes going to have to do something she likes also.
Last time I dumped him back in the car, with him moaning "dont be long - 10 mins max". So I left him for 20 mins. He then moaned and groaned all the way home (30 mins) about how my daugher "needed to understand she can;t always do what she wants".
As you can imagine its hard. After recent events though, if hes says or does anything hostile it will be ending sooner rather than later as you suggest.
By the way. If he does or says anything that she finds hostile, you leave immediately without fuss or anger, telling her that Grandpa clearly isn't up to company today.
I've ignored him, I've tried to nicely tell him not to get involved, I've angrily told him to keep out of it and mind his own business.
Always his excuse is "you know me, if I've got something on my mind, I've got to say it".
I'll never forget his classic (which I've probably mentioned on here) when we told him wife was pregnant last time (she was 40).
He said (in front of her as well) something like "whats the matter with you two, why are you having another child, you're too old and they cost money!".
You can see why my dear wife can't stand him!
For weeks afterwards he nagged and nagged and wanted to know why we'd chosen to do this. He even asked about 4-5 times if it was an "accident". Jeez boundaries!
Of course, 6 years down the line I realise his main issue was that here was a distraction in my life which would cause me to lose focus on my real job (in his eyes) which was HIM.
Man enjoys spending time with his daughter. Now that really would be a revolutionary idea.
As you say, you'll get the lecture whether you tell the truth - wife is off having a nice time - or lie - wife is working. Your father is a bore. Don't engage in the discussion. Or tell him she's left you (don't really, or if you must for heaven's sake don't say that in your daughter's hearing - children are very literal-minded and you will traumatise her).
Nothing like as badly, but my Dad did have his little hobby-horses, shall we say. Most of them were funny or harmless, but one or two... one Sunday lunchtime I ended up banging a dish down on the table and snapped "Do not burden my children with your prejudices!"
It is open to you to criticise him right back if you've a mind to.
It is NOT a ruse. A ruse would imply a logical train of thought with a method and an end. There isn't one.
It is a motif, an itch, a bone. It is a game in which he can engage you. He wants attention, and this works because you reliably, obediently join in. But you're treating it as a real conversation with a purpose and meaning.
You haven't got to point anything out to him at all. You might just as well save your breath. Whether you go or not will be in no way influenced by whether he has hoisted in a single word that you have said to him. Stop doing it! It will feel wonderful.
If you're 95% certain that you will in fact be able to visit him without difficulty, just go ahead and tell him you'll be visiting. If the 5% should turn up, against the odds, you can deal with that when it happens and explain after the event. It won't hurt him.
You are thinking "as long as I've explained that I'm on call and may have to change my plans, that is fair and the onus is on him to understand if I can't make it." But this is a complete waste of time! - not to mention proven again and again not to work. If you broke your leg or got caught up in a terrorist incident, your father would still not "understand" as in accept your no-show and be gracious and sympathetic.
Importantly, this is not a fault or misbehaviour on your father's part. He is a sick, lonely old man. It is not reasonable to expect him to take an unselfish, rational, proportionate view of things.
Stop Expecting Your Father To Accept A Fair And Reasonable Train Of Thought.
As you say thats just it, I planned to visit him anyway.
There is no need at all to nag me about it. He occasionally says things like "can you make a big effort". That REALLY annoys me because its telling me Im not making an effort anyway....
5% chance I'll get called and be unavailable. Hes done it to me before though, after being up at 4am one day he still expected me to visit him. Now I just overplay it a bit.
I've got to point it out to him every time though and do over play it a bit because otherwise he ignores me. To be honest, it does go in one ear and out the other mostly though.
I'll have my daughter with me. He'll want to know why daughter is with me. Wife is away on sunday (she never goes away) - off to london to see fleetwood mac. I'll just tell him shes working.
Otherwise, I'll get a lecture about how women need to stay home with the kids, not go gallivanting across the country willy-nilly. Then it'll be I should put my foot down and tell her, and if she doesn't listen I need to make her listen (I dread to think to be honest!).
If I say shes working I'll get 5 mins about how women didn't work in his day, how they think these days they're something special and how women need to be taken down a peg or two sometimes....
Ha ha I can predict it. You can see why visiting is not a great experience!