Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
You certainly have a right to be annoyed.
I wasn’t able to feel my emotions fully until my therapist said to me, “It’s a normal, healthy reaction to become angry when you are mistreated.”
Something about his statement resonated with me so deeply that I snapped out of feeling that I was wrong for being angry.
I needed to hear this important message from my therapist, an outside objective professional. It carried more weight. I took it seriously.
All my life, I had heard statements from my mom like, “Why are you angry? You SHOULDN’T be angry!” Brainwashing!
It takes awhile to sort through our emotions.
We can’t simply gloss over our emotions, we should honor what we feel, acknowledge it and then work towards healing for ourselves.
We learn to recognize that we will not change others.
I could not influence anyone else, even though I deeply wished that I could have.
Slowly but surely, I gained my footing.
My emotions no longer crippled me.
I was able to gain a healthy perspective and move forward with healing my childhood wounds.
I progressed to the point where I could tackle my present day hurts as well.
So don’t be discouraged, Paul. I was a complete mess!
I didn’t have the benefit of distance that you have with your dad.
Mom lived with me for 15 years! It was incredibly hard for me to break free.
It isn’t as easy as people think it is to break away.
We carry a ton of emotions inside of us. It took time for me to sort it out.
I am grateful to my sweet husband who was my rock in my time of need, my beautiful daughters that supported me, my therapist who grounded me, my spiritual life, my friends, my nieces, nephews, cousins and neighbors, and support groups, in person and this online forum.
I have faith Paul, that one day things will become clearer for you regarding family issues.
Firstly, Your brother is not smart and successful as you, so dad is helping him out. If you Paul were like your brother, a failure in life, I bet dad would likely help you out, too. But you're not a faiilure, you're much more successful than your brother. You wouldn't want to trade your success for dad's sympathy and help, would you?
Secondly, dad sees himself in your brother. He sees a struggling hardworking blue color worker like himself. I know he doesn't care that brother doesn't take care of his children or that he wastes his money on booze. Dad only cares that brother pays attention to him.
Lastly, I can see from a parental perspective of a parent with a child on the spectrum and a normal child, that I love them both, but I love each differently because they are different people. If I help one child more, that is because she needs more help, not because I love the other child less. This reason may not apply to your dad though because he seems to think only of himself.
So, my point is you should be happy you have a successful business and a loving family and you don't need dad's money.
I feel the same way. I was the one that was ALWAYS around. My brothers would come and go.
It can get under our skin regarding the way our parents behave with siblings.
My mom has always been vey frugal. So it is puzzling why she freely hands over money to them. I guess they feel sorry for them, maybe even obligated to do so. I think they are fearful of being cut off by them too.
Mom is like your dad. She always knows exactly how much money is in her checking and saving accounts too.
I wanted a relationship with my family. I look back and see where I created a situation that made it easy for them to become dependent on the.
Good for you to back off a bit. Of course, you can’t risk going to see him during COVID. I hate that I missed out on being with my husband and children due to spending so much time with my mom.
I dunno this is the final straw with Dad with me. To think that hes "paying" the favourite son and trying to punish me. All because the last year I've refused to break the law and last few years told him no when he wants me to neglect my kids......
I remember all those years, when I nearly got divorced because of him and I really tried to keep him happy. Brother went years with being pretty much non-existent and hes forgotten that.....
I just think that every day our relationship is getting eroded more and more by his selfish behaviour. Not much left now.
As I said he checks his bank statement to the penny.
Brother has been without a job for a bit and has the financial maturity of a 6 year old anyway. So he always needs money and dad always bails him out. Of course, I dont need the money....
It just grinds with me this "pay to play" thing as you call it. I can't visit because of the situation and he thinks whoever does gets paid for it. Wow.
And the locations are near brothers house. (which is near to dad).
He checks his bank statement religiously so....
Your brother knows that he has your father’s sympathy.
My brothers knew that they had mom’s sympathy.
It’s sort of sickening to think about it. I’ve trained myself not to dwell on the unpleasant situations too much. It’s too depressing. It helps that I no longer have any contact with them.
My mom continuously feels sorry for my brothers and they prey on her vulnerability. So be it! It’s always been that way and always will be.
I wonder what your brother would do if you questioned him about the withdrawals. He would most likely make something up.
Mom stopped driving so she gave the car to my brother. I didn’t care. I thought it was a good idea at the time.
I kept hearing stories from people that have known my brother since we were kids that he had been drinking heavily. I knew that he liked a couple of beers after work but I didn’t know that he started drinking that heavily.
Well my brother totaled the car that mom gave him. He was driving while drunk! Thank goodness, he didn’t kill anyone.
The drunk usually walks away without a scratch! Fortunately, he wasn’t hurt.
Anyway, he tells my mom that he wrecked the car because a dog ran out in front of him! They lie to save their own butt!
My other brother totaled his motorcycle.
Mom felt sorry for them both for not having transportation!
She gave them money for food, for clothes, for haircuts, for this and that and of course they were also using it for booze!
Good to hear that's more or less "sorted" - hope she can continue to take more care of herself!
IF bro is w/drawing money for himself, because dad allows him to use the card, then it's the old pay to play... Some people think they can "buy" your love or care. My former MIL threatened to write the kids out of her will, if they didn't come to visit more often... I don't know the details, but I think she left everything to the ex (she had a daughter, but she died before mom.) As far as I can tell, dear old dad left everything to wife #3, none to the kids (2 with me, 1 other later with wife #2.)
I suppose it can't hurt to check and make sure these w/drawals are legit. I should think "nowhere near" dad would mean not a place he might get to on foot or with his scooter... if the ATMs are near a pub frequented by bro, you'd likely have your answer! It also seems unlikely he would need any cash, esp not $200/week.
I do for others what I feel is right to do, not for payment. I had to insist a neighbor take back money she gave me for "watching" her house when she was away and plowing her little driveway. I protected the money with a note explaining why and plastic wrap, with a warning not to throw it away, and put it under a zucchini/blueberry bread I gave to her (the zucchini I grew, the blueberries were from her bushes!) She understood and accepted it back. I had to tell another neighbor to stop trying to "pay" me too! I only hit their driveway, mostly the lower end, when it's a minimal storm, as their plow guy doesn't do it, but it's an uphill that can be tough to get up in a car! I told them both if they try that again, I won't help!!! I do NOT plow as a business - I got it for my last house and am hoping I can get a few more years out of it (over 18 now!)
Whether dad pays you or not, stick with your OWN plans and boundaries. You don't need the money OR the hassles!
Any chance that the withdrawals could be fraud? I'd check if I were you.
Dad is the same. I've not visited for a while because I'm not supposed to (yeh I know MIL comes to us) but brother lives locally to him.
I do look after his bank accounts online. I can see MANY cash withdrawals for £200 a week from cash machines nowhere near where he lives. Hes done this in the past - he gives his card to brother for money for him.
It does get to me. If you do what he says, meet his expectations, he does this. If you don't, you get nothing..... And hes got a short memory - its however does what he wants that week....
In a way, it helps me to think well "stuff you" then if this is the way hes going to behave....
Sir Captain Thomas Moore, who raised millions for the NHS and received a promotion to Honorary Colonel in the British Army because of his spirit and fundraising efforts, has passed away, taken by the virus he was "walking" to raise money for.
What an inspiration that man was!
Met a country bank manager's son recently. Said the best part of his upbringing was the annual gun lessons for bank managers - kids could tag along & have a go when old enough. Those days are gone! Someone decided bullet proof glass barriers were safer than a bank manager with a gun. Thankyou.
Clothes have become very expensive.
I buy clothes that I like and made well but fewer of them.
I did shop more in thrift shops when I was young.
I love buying books in thrift shops. They are cheap!
Thrift shops are hit or miss. It depends on the neighborhood as far as the quality of the merchandise. You have to go often because as soon as something good comes in, it sells quickly!
I have a friend that is a real ‘clothes horse.’ She found a pair of designer (Louis Vuitton) pants that normally sell in the price range of about $1000.00 and up. She paid only $12.00 in the thrift shop! They looked brand new. My friend used to own a clothing boutique and knew clothes. I would never spend $1000.00 and up for pants!
This thrift shop was in a very wealthy neighborhood.
Some purses go for thousands of dollars! I can’t imagine spending that much money on a purse!
He asked to buy a pack of cigarettes. The cigarettes were behind me. When I turned back around to ring them up, I was facing a gun.
It was scary. I was a kid. I panicked. I completely froze, which infuriated the robber.
I snapped out of it when he said to me, “I said, give me all your money. Give it to me now or you’re dead!”
Hearing the word ‘dead’ caused me to snap out of being frozen.
My manager always told us to hand over all the money if we were robbed and that money could be replaced but our lives couldn’t.
Then I begged for my life. He told me if I did everything that he asked he wouldn’t hurt me. I gave him the money.
He ordered me to lie face down and not call the police for 15 minutes. I kept thinking that he would shoot me in the back.
After 15 minutes, I called the cops. They showed up with tons of mug shots for me to look through. I went to a line up but couldn’t identify anyone.
So glad that you didn’t get caught in a burglary like I was.
Glad that your husband wasn’t harmed in the bank burglaries. That had to have been terrifying.
I feel very fortunate not to have been harmed. I know your husband must feel the same way.
Isn’t it interesting to reflect back on our first jobs, first second hand cars, roommates in our first apartments, etc?
I walked or rode my bicycle to my first job as a teenager. It was at a convenience store as a cashier. I was paid minimum wage but like you, I loved earning my own money!
My father made me quit after I was robbed at gunpoint. He didn’t even want me to go to the line up at the police station to make an identification because he was afraid for me. Once I explained that it was a one way glass that I would be looking through he calmed down a bit.
I wasn’t able to identify the robber. All I could focus on was the barrel of the gun pointing towards my heart.
I walked, rode my bike or took the bus to several jobs before saving enough for a used car.
I never complained about it. It was just how it was then. I am glad that I wasn’t spoiled because it taught me to work hard in life.
Incidentally, that office was right next to a convalescent home. I sometimes looked through the windows and saw old ancient people slumping in their wheelchairs in front of the TVs. I remember thinking that was a horrible existence.
Hard to imagine what life was like for people before minimum wage!
No one could call your mom a spendthrift! My parents were the same way. They didn’t waste a penny!
My dad was middle class but we attended Catholic schools. Tuition wasn’t as high then but it was still a sacrifice for them.
They shared one car. Mom shopped sales and only bought what was needed.
We had nice clothes and good food on the table. We had enough but were never spoiled.
It’s interesting, isn’t it? I learned from their values.
My brothers spent through money in no time, then would ask my parents for more.
I went without when I was young. I saved. I paid my bills. My brothers treated me like I thought I was better than they were. I wasn’t any better, just smarter! I went to school and worked hard.
I didn’t want to ask my parents for their money.
I didn’t have a sense of entitlement like my brothers.
It was customary in our parents time for newlyweds to live with their parents until they could afford a home.
My parents never moved in with my grandparents. They rented a furnished apartment for $5.00 a month!
Oh, they shared a bathroom down the hall with the other tenants.
So funny to think about these days, right?
Had to google for uk its not as much as I thought.
25 and over 21 to 24 18 to 20 Under 18 Apprentice
April 2020 (current rate)
£8.72 £8.20 £6.45 £4.55 £4.15
I can remember when there was no minimum wage in the UK....
Anyway, I list ALL SS going to housing/food. Same with pension. But those 2 cover half or a bit less of the MC cost, so the remainder and anything needed I cover from the trust fund we set up. SS isn't even enough to cover apartment rent (average in the county is about $100 a month over her SS), yet they question this??? That wouldn't cover rent and food, much less anything else!!
So, yeah, how your mom managed to save anything is amazing! I thought I was cheap...