Life after the loss of your loved one...

It's funny you guys should be discussing this today. I was dreaming about my dear mom a lot last night. I woke up thinking that's one thing I miss most. Her comforting, kind ways. No one in my life has ever been able to duplicate that for me. I always knew I was loved deeply when she was alive.

June is coming to an end and I've been filling my calendar with appointments in July and looking ahead to August.... Mom would have been 100 on Aug 3. It's hard to believe it has already been a year since I stressed over planing a birthday party for her at the NH, one I suspected/knew would be her last. When I'm thinking of her now I feel such pity for the way she came to her end.

CWillie, I understand.

The things we stress about until we actually have something to really stress about.

My mom would have turned 96 in February if she were still alive. In my mind I always thought that would have been the age she died at for some reason.

My mom would have been 96 tomorrow. She died in Augusr 2017, nearly 2 years ago.

Still kind of numb. I had a very conflicted relationship with her.

Such a touching thread, (& replies). I feel the place spoken of by BarbBrklyn... (A conflicted relationship with mom). We were too much like them? , probably they saw themselves in us? My mom didn't like herself enough to embrace me. But "We are all full of weakness & errors, & we mutually pardon each other our follies". Sorry to quote Voltaire. I saw it on another person's post somewhere & it spoke to me. ✌

It's been 3.5 yrs since Mom died...I used to take her to the eye doc every week for years until a few weeks before her death...yesterday I went there for myself, the first time I've been back since the last time I took her...it was tough!! My body shook, my legs were wobbly, I walked the Mall like a zombie, and could feel the wheelchair handles in my hands as if I were still pushing her chair. I felt disconnected from what I was doing and totally "alone"...I got back home and that was it for the rest of the day, I was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted and still am today! Here's the thing that bugs me...why in the world do I react that way?...still??...I'm tougher than this, I used to be able to handle just about anything...when do I get back the strength I had to be a caregiver for all those years?...and what's with this "physical" reaction even when my brain tells me "you can do this"?? Any ideas or similar experiences out there? Thanks.

Sulynn,
Your experience sounds like PTSD or PGR (prolonged grief response).
Family and friends will not understand what you are going through,
and will want you to just get over it.

Sure that you need to talk to someone, almost daily. Add a therapist into your support system, and gradually your symptoms can subside, or be managed, maybe with medication. PTSD requires treatment, so you no longer will be getting sick from it.

When online, I ran across a blog article at Good Therapy . org. after entering PTSD and Prolonged Grief. Excerpted here:
"Prolonged grief (PGD), also known as complicated grief, can occur when symptoms of grief are exacerbated and persist over lengthy periods of time. Experiences such as reliving the death event; being reminded of the death through mental, visual, or auditory stimuli; and even experiencing intrusive thoughts are all symptoms of posttraumatic stress (PTSD)......"

You are not alone.
These symptoms do not mean you are crazy.
Get help, the experiences tend to repeat until you find yourself isolated, frozen at home, irritable and afraid.

Admitting these experiences are the first step to setting yourself free! You have done that. Therapy does not have to last forever, and you can recover!

I recommend a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapist) with the focus on today.

Many hugs.....

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ptsd-and-prolonged-grief-in-caregivers-0702131

Many thanks to you, Sendhelp, for your quick response, insight, and suggestions. I did try grief counseling with Hospice for about 6 months, but the sessions were weeks apart and the counselor wanted to know what I wanted to do with the "next chapter" of my life the second time we met...a bit too soon to answer that question, I thought. As for caregivers developing PTSD, she wasn't all that impressed with the idea. I'll give some serious thought to trying counseling again...

Happy Birthday in Heaven, to Luckylu's Mom.
Happy Birthday in Heaven to CWillie's Mom.
Aug. 2019.

Thank you Send,
Yesterday,August 3rd,was my Mother's 4th Birthday in Heaven.
She woulv'e been 90,if she were still here.
I can't believe she's been gone so long.
I miss her so much but know I was blessed to have her as long as I did.

Friday Aug 9 will be 1 yr since my father died....that late afternoon summer death still haunts me.....and the way he looked when he was "dead" was something that I wasn't prepared for....so much has happened in the last 12 months - ive been working so hard trying to let go of the hospice guilt and see that I helped my father suffer less but I still get many "what did I do" moments.

Mhill- It is heart wrenching the things we feel after a loved one passes. It has been 3 years this November since I lost Dad. It has only been this year that I began to finally overcome the grief that surrounded me, and to be able to think of the good memories and especially his smile. I for the longest could not sleep because of the what ifs and the should I haves, and the scenerio playing over and over in my head,
But It really took over 2 years for me to begin healing. It varies for everyone, shorter or longer. But we musn't let it consume us, we must fight it and we must pray for strength and courage to overcome it. Hang in there. May God give you the things you need to get through this. HE is able.

Lu- She was also blessed to have YOU as a daughter.

Thank's smeshque....we were both lucky to have one another~

July 25th was mom's first birthday in heaven. I still have mixed feelings about everything because of our complicated relationship. I had the Facebook memory pop up on that day of last year's birthday where we took her out to eat at one of her favorite Mexican restaurants, which she enjoyed. Looking back, I'm glad we all went. I picture her now with God, healed, happy and whole.

Me too FrazzledMama....I picture my Mother at her healthiest,maybe 29 or 39 years old,free from all her pain and her wheelchair and oxygen,happy and dancing all over Heaven along with my Dad who's not handicapped anymore.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Mary Elizabeth Frye

Last night I had a wonderful dream~
I saw my Father and he hugged me and I hugged him and I felt his love,just like always.
All day today I have felt his love and that wonderful hug and Iv'e been so grateful.
It gives me hope that I will dream about my Mother too.

It's so nice when we have those dreams Lu. I'm glad for you.

Lu- those dreams are special, aren't they? So glad you had one.

Saturday the 16th, will be 3 years since Dad passed.
What I have learned is that I will always miss him, until Lord willing I see him again. A hope I delight in.
I have learned that God gives healing of grief. And that grieving is a difficult process in the journey of life.
But, the first years was definitely the hardest without him.
I hope this doesn't sound too morbid. But we have a family cemetery here on our land. And I have noticed that as the mound of dirt that was placed over my Dad, shrinks down, so does my grief. And as the Iris's I planted around him grow, and with each year they bloom, I grow stronger and stronger, and joy blooms more than tears, now.
I know that this part of life's journey is the hardest. But, i know that God helps those who love his SON. Truly HE it is that healed me of such sadness.

You just do because you have to, and accept the fact this is your new "normal".

Happy Birthday Luckylu, in December.
A most difficult and painful memory on the 4th anniversary of your
mother's passing, on your Birthday.

Happy Birthday Lu!!!
We all love you!!!

Happy birthday 🎈 Lu

wishing you pancakes 🥞 and bacon 🥓 and hot cocoa for breakfast

Happy Birthday Lucklu.🎂🎁🎈

The Way We Were
Barbra Streisand
Memories light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories of the way we were
Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another for the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?
Memories may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter we will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were
The way we were
Source: LyricFind

So many times,I have listened to that song Send,remembering the way we were . Thanks for posting it and reminding me of it because it always comforts me.

It's been difficult. Lots of loss. Lost mom 2 1/2 years ago. Younger brother (64 years old) passed 7 months ago. Dad passed 2009, grandma died years ago, best friend died a few years ago. I had to forgo my small business a couple of years ago to continue care giving for mom and brother and this has been another loss. Intense care giving has occurred the last 6 years. I am in post care giving phase and transitioning into rebuilding my life. Hardest thing no longer having the family that has always been there. Even though I have been independent and always had my own life I was the go to person in the family for help. There are a few long time friends still around and I am grateful. But I feel a major void because I was very close to my mom. I could always call her and we would talk. Despite tensions at times that are part of a close mother-daughter relationship I miss her. I chose not to marry or have kids and I do not regret this. There's my little dog, He's getting older but is still in good health. My creative work sustains me and I am venturing into new areas. I am slowly beginning to rebuild my life. Some days are better than others. Feelings of loneliness are painful. I am trying to deal with this. While not religious I have always had a spiritual side. But the intense care giving has altered this part of my life. This too has changed and I am just beginning to see where I might be with it. I know I am not the only one going through all this and just wanted to reach out to others who might understand.

Im not doing well. Period. As a child I would cry myself 2 sleep thinkin of day my parent's die. Wierd I know. Im adopted. So is my sister. 4 yrs older. But she took the " im feel abandoned " role. Not me. I took the please every1 role an I felt like an old soul. I liked being around elderly fam. N developed a bond with many elderly n our fam. My sister did not. She felt attached 2 " items" that were old. Not humans. Of coarse I go n2 med field. I became surg assist. N TRIED nursing. I couldn't take the nursing homes we were assigned. Paperwork over came the pt. I couldn't do it. Crying, I called my director an quit nursing program stating " My pt's became part of me or fam, I can't chose paperwork or admin over REAL HUMANS who have a story 2 tell or who R important!" I QUIT! Yes, I quit. I didnt care I made 25$ an hr or more or whatever. I felt an have been told I know more or can C thrue my Empathic ability than most nurses. Yes, it sounds wierd. But, i know 70% when some1 lies, I feel other's pain as my own esp my parent's. Ive headed off health disaster's with my parent's or as I call it traumas. But last 3 yrs. I couldn't head them off. They followed. As if I was cursed. Im married. 2 son's now,22 an 17. My parent's watched them as babies while I worked part time @ a hospital n surgery as surg assist. Ortho an ENT . Eventually I became stay @ home Mom. Son' s kept getting sick, strepp, flu etc.. husband bread winner so we decided I stay @ home. I was able to afford lux of picking up kids etc. ..what I didn't know was dark times ahead 4 me an fam. 3 yrs later Dad got extremely ill. 2 mnths n hospital. I became CAREGIVER 2 my parents. Neither drove after that. As yrs went by I had so many traumas. Selling their " home" alone without sibling help. They, parents, had moved 2
a " independent living facility ". Bad mistake. Took their $, breached contract so many times, Me, arguing with manager etc....smoking n facility allowed rt next door.. Smoke n parents rm through plugins! Mom dx with Pulmonary Fibrosis in 2016. 3 mnths after move n. Tried 2 get diff room but no way. Even finding out neighbor, who smoked like a freight train n was caught asleep with lit cigg, was a child molester! Skipped back ground check! n I had a 11 yr old son n a 15 yr old son coming 2 my parents apartment @ this facility. Finally, a bottom appt opened. Move #3. No smoke then. But parent's getting worse esp Dad. This is 2017. After 2 rehab n hospital stay for Dad he was put on Hospice with a certain home health. A bunch of B.S., all they wanted was money n suddenly discharged him n 4 mnths. With only 10 day notice! All over me , seeing nurses doing wrong, med mg's wrong, etc..... so had 2 scramble 2 get regular Dr's back like b4 Hospice. Nightmare. Another Trauma. Finally moved out of nasty indpt living facility that took 3500$ a mnth, Clairmont in Tx, no reg cleaning etc..n contract..moved parent's 2 a handicapp appt n nice appt building an safe neighborhood. I should have done that 2 begin with. 2018, July. Dad continued dwn. Mom tired of Dad spiral down. I tried2b there as much as poss. Home health . Even 2 give me a break, caregiver 9am-1pm. At 19$ an hr. Joke. Did give 1 bath though. Dad 230lbs. He became unable 2 stand n Aug 2019. Never did again. I had 2 make the decision of hospice again. Im 50. This time it was 4 real. No scam. Sibling didnt help n decision but was acting like I forced this or tryin to kill Dad. No. Trying 2 ease his pain he had had for yrs. I talked 2 him as caregiver ,unfortunately, not daughter, as that is how I was seen by then, & he said he wanted pain relief. I knew fr med field what this meant @ this stage. So it began. Unfortunately What I thought was a good group home (reg house but 4 rooms 4 nursing care)& it was not. Untrained staff. Lies told 2 me. N Dad lived 15 days on hospice. Sept 22nd, 2019. Mom fell n Dads rm brk ankle. She n I not there 4 passing. It haunts. She moved n with Sib. im sad. Dec29th.