Life after the loss of your loved one...

Also had to finish " the book" I wrote. My Father was absolutely devastated when my daughter passed in 2000. She was 6 days old. I feel they r together in heaven with my 2nd Mom, my Aunt (Dads sister). But I really didnt have time to grieve My Father n Sept of this last yr, I was Caregiver (7 yrs)to my Mom(& Dad) now since she broke malleuos an distal end of 5th metatarsal, nondisplaced, in Dads Hospice rm 5 days b4 he passed. What bad luck rt? I feel I have been cursed last 3 yrs for reasons I do not share. It isnt marital. Nor cruelty to anyone. Wierd bad luck. Wrecks. Nothing going smooth. Me , finding out at top rated Rehab here n our town actually catching nurses n act of not giving scheduled meds to MY MOTHER AN TAKING PICS of this for proof, 5x's. YES, u as P.O.A. have rt to look at med cart an check on meds. I took pic to scare for I was to mentally tired, an beyond caregiver burnout to point of Compassion Fatigue that I just scared them. Should have called H.H.S. an St. Nursing Board. But I didn't. I did file grievance against nurses. In writing. Mom was tired an grieving Dad since Sept 17th when she fell, Bing non-compliant, an getting up an walking with walker over a Non-ADA threshold Im sure of it (I want to take owner to court for the negligence of my Father in Hospice care I witnessed an under video, an the non-ADA surfaces n group home an things said over phone an in-services told that would b done 4 diabetes shots an sugar checks. Never got done. Never rolled Dad properly, I had to help staff roll my Father an chg diapers after payin 500$ deposit an 4400$ for ALL of Sept an promised refund if he did not live all of Sept due to money issues an for my Mom. Lies. All of it.)& resulting falling an trying to grab french door not locked to catch herself, went on to break ankle. Ambulance. 2 days at our big hospital then on to rehab HOSPITAL so she would get her 3 midnights so Medicare would pay. ALWAYS CHECK ON ADMITTANCE. IF, " OBSERVATION" THAT MEANS MEDICARE WONT PAY AN 2 MIDNIGHTS ONLY. " PT ADMITT" MEANS MORE THAN 2 MIDNIGHTS, AN MEDICARE WILL PAY. GET MORE THAN 2 MIDNIGHTS. I had to beg an start crying an told admit Dr what was going on. My Dad on hospice an Mom broke ankle here n hospital now. Mom couldn't afford a big ol bill fr Medicare. So after 5 days Dad got bad. Hospice told me 12-24hrs. Told Dad everything I needed to an my Sons. An ran to discharge Mom. They knew the story. Husband meets me. I get phone call fr front desk. Dad had passed shortly after I left. I had 2 tell my Mother, married 63 yrs, that her husband died an she wasnt there. Do u know how traumatizing that was to both? I mean the bad luck Im speaking about. Its not just thst. It goes on an on an on an on...i hold my head down know...Mom went to live with sibling. Had extra rooms etc... im drivin an hr away to set her up with new dr's n another State. Not easy at all. An sib works full time an hired caregiver. An I have gen axiety disorder, depression, ADD (dx in Dec 2018) & Compassion Fatigue an I see whats not getting done an Im n OR WAS n med field!!! R u SERIOUS. Is this my payment?? Or my mental state? Or agony/anxiety? Or God saying" REST NOW, YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN" i had anxiety attack last wk just going to sibs an seeing things. Nothing really bad. Just me. I had to leave. I have to go back Wed(16th) & 20th to get Mom into new M.D. cause sib works full time. My Fam n mean time since I quit back in 2010, is flat broke now. Serious. No $ coming in until im able to work. Jobs r open @ our big ol hospital but Im SIIICCKKK of med field now. So sib expects me to take 2 dr appts until Mar 10th. IS 7 yrs not enough? The traumas, the marriage probs, the financial probs, ignoring my fam? My fault I know but what else 2 do when parents have no money? But enough 2 feed, shelter but no caregiver? We will b broke by then. If husband doesnt get a "job" carpenter/contractor by then. But mis my Momma. I call her everday. Depressed.

This Memorial Day,i'm thinking of my parents feeling thankful they didn't have to go through the Pandemic.
Both of them had grown up during the Depression and my Father contracted polio as a child &.they had suffered way enough.
I pray they are together and I get to be with them again one day.
I loved them so much.
I was so blessed to have them~

((((((hugs)))))) lu. It is something to be thankful for.

It’s only been 4 months since my mommy passed away. I’m not the same person I was just last Christmas. I’m sad, lonely and depressed. I have a sister who is now taking care of my dad (just like mom did) and I feel like I have no family. I am angry at my dad for sucking the life out of mom (yes, she played a part too) and I feel that he is robbing me of my only sister - the only other person in the world who can share this intimate grief with me. But... I do have family - I have a wonderful husband who supports me, prays for me and loves me, two adult sons-both are married and a grandson on the way as I write this. So much to be grateful for, BUT I’m overwhelmed and paralyzed with pain, heartache and grief and I’m barely able to focus on the blessings I have. I feel like I am failing them and myself.
What helps? Wine. What doesn’t help? Wine. I drink too much.

Dawners, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It helps to talk to people who have gone through the same thing and can relate so continue to post here. But as for the wine..........well you are not doing yourself any favors there. Wine is a depressant too you know so it may make you feel worse. Have you tried just going for nice long walks. I just recently started a walking plan and it does help. Social distancing of course.

Four mths isn't a long time. Give yourself a break. Grief takes it's time. Don't be so hard on yourself.

It's mom's birthday. The August long weekend used to always be such a great family time, coming together to celebrate local festivals and of course share birthday cake for mom but once the kids were grown they had other things to do and it was pulling hen's teeth to even get anyone to acknowledge the day. Sigh.

Today is my Mother's Birthday too....
It's her 5th Birthday in Heaven this year~
Again,I will miss being with her and the family tonight at my Uncle's home where we used to celebrate her special day. There was so much good food and laughter....
I will always miss Mother..............Happy Birthday Mom & Happy Birthday to your Mother too cwillie~

Happy B'day to Lu and Willie's mom's!🎂💖

Thanks Gershun~

I think about the afterlife a lot. How my dad, grandparents and others are doing. I like to imagine what heaven is like.

We hear remarkable stories but no one knows for sure!

My 95 yr old mom died on the American Labor Day, Sept 7, this year. She had Alzheimers. I feel one overwhelming thing.

1. Re: her death, there was nothing to it. Utterly silent. I would visit weekly and one week she stopped opening her eyes and stopped talking. She died about 4 weeks later. I thought THOUGHT that perhaps words could be said but it was just nothing. We never, ever got along and as an adult, you realize that you cannot undo years of history. I did think that as she neared death, we would say things (sorry, I love you, I wish you well, for ex) and I was fully prepared to lie about anything if it would make her happy. But she simply stopped responding to me, at all. She totally ignored me. Speaking as a grown up, I felt like a kid whose mother was completely indifferent to them. Her death was silence and the silence was concussive. This surprises me so much. So many folks here write about agitation, discomfort, pain, yelling - there was just nothing. Then she was gone.
I am fine, as I thought I would be. Haven't shed a tear. So many of my friends who have lost their mothers can still cry or tear up. I have zero idea what that would feel like.

My dad passed last Sept. (age 92) and now my Mom is likely close to her end (age 88). Dad was a quiet guy, sweet for the most part but kind of spoiled as were/are a lot of men from his generation. His decline was long and arduous but his passing was peaceful. During his decline he always believed he was going to "get better". When he would decline more it baffled and frustrated him. I found that to be profoundly sad. When he passed I felt a mixture of relief and sorrow. I miss him but I feel like a part of his spirit is still with me, which is comforting.

Things are different with Mom. Our relationship was not an easy one... it was more complicated, more enmeshed. She has always carried a lot of anger and now it seems that's all that she has left. I know anger can be part of the process for people who are nearing the end but that does not make it any easier. I already feel a sense of loss and she is not even gone yet. I think her passing is going to hit me harder than Dad's, I will miss her more, but I also think there might be a feeling of release. My relationship with Mom felt suffocating, that part I will not miss.

My mom died in September. I miss her so much. But I still have dad. He’s in pretty good health. My husband and I have moved him in our house. We both enjoy his company. We take him to his old assisted living to visit his friends every afternoon. It’s a short walk and he enjoys getting out for a short walk and visit.

Today I was looking at some pictures of my mom from the last few of years of her life. I can remember being particularly pleased with how well she looked in a couple of the ones at the nursing home but today it was as if the scales had fallen from my eyes and I saw what everyone else must have seen when they looked at her. My poor, poor mom.💔

My dad died in 2002. I still miss him. Certain things remind us of them. We laugh and we tear up too.

My daughters will bring up his name often. He adored my daughters and he was larger than life for them.

I think my therapist described grief perfectly. She said grief comes in waves. Some are gentle. Others knock us down. Very true.

cwillie....I remember seeing freight in other's eye's and
I think we didn't see how bad our Mother's looked and were because we were so close to them,saw them so often and just got used to them looking so frail.

Willie, I have seen pics of my mom since she died and noticed a blank look in her eyes as if she was really confused. She hid it well but I know she felt like her life was truly out of her control. It is very sad.

(((Willie)))

My husband died on Sept.14th of this year. I was his caregiver for many, many years, and am still feeling a bit lost and not sure what to do with the rest of my life. In the 7 1/2 weeks since he died, I think there has only been 2 days that I didn't cry at some point in the day. And I'm ok with that. I will allow myself as much time as I need to grieve the man I loved for 26 years. I'm sure in time I will figure things out, and the grief process will get a little easier, but for now, I'm just taking one day at a time. That's all I know to do.

I also take comfort in now helping others on this forum with any knowledge I might have that could help them. I also am still involved in my local caregiver support group, as they where such a great help to me during my caregiving years, that I now want to return the favor. I guess you call it "paying it forward".

Bringing this back up to the top....

My Step dad died June 2018. That’s when my world came crashing down. 10 months later my my died April 2019. They were both only 64. The 3 months later I received a phone call that my best friend since middle school had died July 2019. Wow. The only person I had left was my baby sister. Since our parents were now dead we lost our childhood home and she moved 10 hours away to live with her boyfriend but we talked everyday. My husbands 41st bday I got a knock at the door. They found her dead. August 2020. So here I am 9 months later still trying to figure this all out. Ugh 😩

Happy Birthday to your dear Mom, CWillie!

Happy Birthday to your lovely Mom, Luckylu!

Thank you Send.....
Everyday is hard without Mom,but her Birthday and Christmas along with my Birthday are the hardest days...
If Mother were still here,we'd be getting dressed and ready for Mother's Birthday party at her brother's right now.
My Aunt and Uncle always made a wonderful dinner and my Aunt always made Mom a beautiful German Chocolate cake,then she had her presents.
I miss all that and my dear Mother~

Mom died in Jan. 2021 age 88. Earlier in this thread I said I thought her passing would hit me harder than Dads but in her last few months she was in such pain and so afraid, her passing was deep sadness mixed with relief.

With both my parents I find I am remembering the good things on our relationships more than the difficulties. That is a blessing. I miss them both and sadness does come in waves like NeedhelpWithMom said