I thought I was alone when it came to losing my mother-daughter relationship from caregiving.

Thanks, Austin and Neon. kycady, I do pray you and Dad's needs are met without further delays. This is tough stuff, and far too hard and complicated sometimes to do alone.

Anne- I hope all goes well with the move of your Mom and that things can go a little easier for you take care dear lady.

Anne, Thank you... I sent the above mail to my cousin... but, no response... and actually my BF was more like his father than mine... it's not Chris' fault... I know that... but, when I can't sleep, I am a wreck... today I feel a little better. I have one friend here who is VERY supportive, but she works full-time/and part-time and e-mails once a week... she is there in a pinch... but, I was depending on the doctor OKing hospice. Even Hospice said to get an order regardless.. because term of life is variable & only God determines that... so if he lives longer than expected (which would be good - I wish him no ill), they would still be able to help, even stop over a couple times a week. I got VA assistance finally after 1 year of working on it. So we have $900.00 coming in a month. His SS helps pay food & his health insurance is good.

I had to give mine up... it was awful anyways... haven't had a mammogram in 2 years & am very at risk.... I am looking into free clinics. I was working at home for a contractor but that contract dried up. I am very on edge til Monday... but, I'm so worried that these doctors will just want to operate & not ok hospice - I am not equiped to take care of a bedridden cancer & Alzhmeier's patient alone... I don't have the strength... I know that... Monday will tell... thank you for letting me vent...

I have a tip, throw everything away, except those family photos, and important papers, and only keep a few important momentos, the rest can go to goodwill, or some other charity, and just start over fresh. Good luck Anne!

Just when I thought I was doing it all, I find my sister has been calling Mom everyday to check on her for the past several months... And right now she's driving from Michigan to Illinois to help me pack Mom's things for a 200 mile move. My husband, son and I are driving down to help, bring things back up here, then go back down for Mom next week. So glad my sister's coming. We've been estranged since December, until Mom's surgery three weeks ago. Now I pray we can work well together, bridge the gap, and heal. All of us. Mom will have a very difficult time through all of this, and probably so will we, so we appreciate your prayers. Thanks. Got any moving tips???

Seam, I'm so glad you found this site. There are terrific people here who will share their experiences and the knowledge they've gain through living in the trenches of caregiving. Most of us have had experiences similar to yours.

You are not isolated or alone. Please keep coming back her for support.
Carol

Dear tired, lonely, hurting sister, how can we help? My goodness, where's the rest of your family? Neighbors? Church? What can we do??? Have you contacted the Commission of Aging? Someone, anyone. Is Dad a Veteran? Services are available for people like you, such as Social Services, etc. You definitely need help. What State do you live in? Tell your cousin you need more help, before you're calling 911 for yourself. I can't imagine the grief and pain you must be feeling right now. Wish I could drop of a meal, some flowers, and home health care and respite for you. I'll email, also. Know you're loved and prayer support is yours.

My birthfather now has lung cancer... I've been taking care of him all by myself for 6 years. Now, my cousin is coming to say his goodbyes at the end of the month. That is it - never calls to ask how I am doing ... I've been getting very sick everytime I take my bf to the hospital for his workup... now the pulmonary doctor said (in a message at 5:00 & I couldn't call him back) that he has "good news" leaving me hanging all weekend. This probably means the PETScan revealed no other cancer but his renal & lung which means hospice may not be approved and I will have NOONE to help me. I've been very sick on and off for the last month. So I am guilt ridden for wanting hospice... (cause that means he will be dying)... he's 80 years old & I've only known him for 6 years. I have no more health insurance & am totally broke. I can't even think straight anymore.... I just woke up from a terrifying nightmare. I was in the hospital w/Chris for a PETSCan yesterday... people all over with masks - it was horrible... I probably will be very sick very soon & not be able to do anything. Have no friends, family or neighbors who will help.

Seems we find some interesting discussions when we've been up late and posting like this in days past. LOL take care, all and see you in the AM. Pleasant REM!

Alone because you are? And what about Dad? What does he want/need? What's best for both? Have you prayed about all this? (I'm sure you have.) Let's just pray that God will show you a way for it to all work out. Nothing's perfect, but God can smooth the way. Perhaps you can't see it, but you're an angel too. Probably more than me. Remember, I'm the feisty one!

Anne, you are up late again! LOL I'm just reading and having my own guilt to deal with especially after reading the long sermon on "moving away from parents" LOL. Angel Anne, you are a sweet, compassionate person, I wish I was more like you. Maybe when dad gets placed he will feel better too. I don't know, I'm worried about the adjustment for him since he has gotten into a routine here since last November. I feel sooooo alone sometimes.

kristina, I hurt when I read your words, to the point they rip my heart out. You are so sensitive, and loving, and I know this is hard for you. It hurts, because I know the way you're feeling well. I can just think about my Mom and feel that way. And if it's dementia, she's been demented all her life. Not funny. But I think it's sin (selfishness is sin), exacerbated by dementia. Pride, anger, contention, strife, etc. So sad. She may be crying because she "got caught," or she may be crying because she can't help herself. She may be crying because her manipulation didn't work, and she's mad. Hard to guess. Bet you're crying inside, too. I know I am from reading about it. Wow. Tough days for us as daughters. I don't think it's a party for our parents, either. But the question is, what can we do about it? Have you and your sister talked this out? How does Mom treat her? What about a family pow-wow and direct confrontation? (I'm thinking of this myself.) And I'm also thinking of talking to a Physician about this to see if they have any insight... Take care of you, and hug your hubby. Naus, what about you?

You are very welcome kristina, I hope you find the comfort here on this site that I have. It is a lifesaver when you have no one else to vent to, especially when we have worn out the ears of our other friends and loved ones LOL. Take care of yourself and let us know how it is going.

No, she has not, but I think you are right about the dementia. Her mother had the same thing and when I think back, she's acting just like her mom. She has a doctor's appointment soon and I will tell the doctor what's going on. Thank you for your feedback, I really apprecite it.

Dear kristina, I think your mom has dementia. She sounds just like my dad before he was diagnosed. He pushed all family and friends out of his life with his nastiness, before anyone realized it was even dementia. They become selfish, self-centered, and lose all compassion for others, except themselves. They also accuse family (those that help them the most) of stealing money or posessions. Don't feel guilty dear, you are human like the rest of us. To feel guilt, you are a good person and have a conscience. Has your mom been tested for dementia? I don't know your whole story. Good luck to you, and keep us posted.

Thank you so much. I feel better already just know there's someone else who has the same issues I have. I know everything you said is right, its just a matter of me getting past my "guilt feelings" and moving on. She is upstairs packing right now and I heard her crying. It's very difficult for me to hear her cry. I feel very bad and guilty. I really thought by now should would have apologized, but how stupid am I to think she would ever think she was wrong. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things for me to do, but I know I will feel better once its done. Someone said something to me a regarding this situation which made sense at the time. I have two children, at the age of 18 I dropped both of them off at one of the largest Universities in the country. I cried all the way home and for days later. I learned to adjust and so did they. Bottom line is, they were my children and I let go, why can't I do the same with my mom. She's my mother, not my child, and this is breaking my heart. Hopefully, as time passes so will this feeling. Again, thank you so much again you really did make me feel a lot better.

Dear kristina, do you mind me being blunt? Your mother is mean, selfish and heartless, and probably has some dementia. Wow. You've got be hurting right now. I am going through the same thing. Only the worst I've heard is her calling me a not very nice name. Not true. She badmouths me behind my back to people, and they tell me. She denies this, and is incredulous when I call her bluff. But it never really changes anything.

I'm not saying you should, or have to, but this thought comes to mind: What about sitting her down, looking her straight in the eye, and telling her what she said is completely unacceptable? OK, silly me. Trying to reason with an unreasonable person. Dementia just makes people crazy! And that's a fact. Yours is not the only story on these posts like that. Ask mitzipinki, right mitzi? We marvel how someone can be so incredibly insensitive, and say such "evil" things. My Mom is sarcastic, backbiting, caustic, and perpetually difficult and complaining. She's angry and combative. Not just with me, but with others as well. So sad. Why? I don't know! And they take advantage of our natural desires for love and affection and family relations. No matter how bad they treat us, we still want their love and affection and attention. And they are incapable. So we feel hurt, sacrifice our selves hoping they'll change, and the cycle continues. You're not alone, but in good company. Many daughters struggle as you do.

Thank God that you love your daughter and want to do nice things for her. Your mother is jealous. She's mean and selfish. I think we're sisters. And I think your husband has had enough and is trying to protect you. She doesn't understand because her focus is herself. She's manipulative and controlling, and I think I'm your twin. Either that, or your Mom and my Mom are sisters. Take care of yourself, and listen to your husband. He has your best interests at heart. Someone else needs to "take care" of your mother because she burned her bridges at your house. Thank your husband, and have Mom placed somewhere. Even though it's your Mom, you don't need to be treated like that. Respect yourself. Regardless of your Mom, do it for you. Your Mom needs to be someplace else. I'll bet she doesn't last long with your sister, either. Be relieved, and move on. O, and be supportive of your sister. Make alternative plans for Mom. Don't let it confuse you, it's Mom's behavior that's wrong, not yours. Don't feel guilty or obligated. Help your sister find suitable housing for your Mom and everyone will live better. I know about the empathy struggle. Mine's compassion, and Mom uses it against me. Too bad for her. You say your Mom has major issues, and not many in her life. I say it's that way for a reason. Look past Mom, and see a bitter broken person. Give her love and pity, but give her distance, too. You can't make her be nice.

I'm talking to myself, as well. My Mom is so pitiful, it makes me want to help her. But no good deed goes unpunished. It's a sick game. Someone has to stop playing. Go enjoy your husband and daughter. And if you wouldn't mind say a prayer for me, and I'll pray for you and your husband, sister and mother. Take care.

Today she really put me over the edge. I was gone about an hour, walked in and find her going through my husband's briefcase. My husband is an accountant, and handles all her finances. She accused me and Alan (my husband) of not showing her banks statements and other documents. When my dad died, she received some checks for life insurance policies. We made copies of the checks before she deposited them. She now claims she doesn't remember receiving the checks. Alan has been very supportive and understanding with her but tonight after he found out she was in his briefcase, he actually told her to leave. I called my sister and she is taking her tomorrow. I was suppose to have her another week. Unfortunately, I have mixed emotions. She is my mother and it just doesn't seem right to be kicking her out of my house. I feel like I'm turning into someone I don't know anymore. I use to have a lot of empathy for her but now I feel like I have none. I feel sorry for her because I think she has major issues. I also feel like the only persons in her life is her family, so it's very hard to just walk away. The other day she told me that she prays God would take me before he take her. That just about put me over the edge. My daughter moved this weekend and she is in medical school so she has no time. I went to her apt. for three days and packed and got things in order for her. My mom came with me and couldn't understand why I was doing this for her. She then told Alan later how she did things like this for me and my sister. I just about dropped my jaw, she did nothing for us. It was one lie after another. I didn't say a word because its just not worth it. What she doesn't understand is I don't have to do this for my daughter, I want to.

Mitzi, you're right on! Thanks, again.

Kristina, sady, no one else will have answers for you either, but... you still have to make some tough choices and you will do it out of love for those involved. You may even cry while making the decisions, but they must be made either way.

My mother is narcissistic (to the 10th power), and the day she told me she wanted me dead for her own selfishness, we crossed a line. But out of our totally dysfunction history together, mom taught me one thing: stubbornness

My mom used to tell me all the time how stubborn I was. Asked my husband how he could live with a person this stubborn, etc and one day my mom was in my face about how stubborn I was and I flat out looked at her and said, "At least I use it for good, not evil."

That was my defining moment in how I'd live the rest of my life. Tough love takes stubbornness. It takes action and it takes misery while constantly pushing through what needs to be done.

Your mom gave you at least that one gift out of all that is miserable. Take it out for a ride. It gets easier with time (altho still tearful).

My counselor also told me one thing that helped me with my stubbornness for "good". He said "You can't get blood from a stone." So why continually fight? I gave my mom choices every day and she simply chose or would not choose leaving me with the decision. Tough love, it can be a __ well we get it.

My mother is driving me crazy. My dad died a year ago and we thought after a couple of months she would find a place of her own. Unfortunately, she has no plans to move. She lives with me 2 months and then goes to my sister's for 2 months. My sister has the same issues with her. My mother is very controlling and manipulating. She lies constantlly and tells stories about me that are not true. The only thing she lives for is shopping. She expects me and my sister to take her everywhere. She never says thank you and always has something negative to say about us. My children are both grown and don't live with us anymore. I feel like I have another child, only worse. I started seeing a therapist because I feel so sad sometimes. Unfortunately, he makes it sound like I can just tell her she can't live her anymore. Well, it's not that easy because when push comes to shove she is my mother. My husband has been very patient and supportive, however, he too has had enough. I have asked her numerous times to think about what she wants to do with her life and her answer is nothing. I really don't have any answers anymore.

You have to make choices that are her best interest for care along with your own health. You will hear time and time again that caregivers statistics of dying first before the one receiving care is high. It is high for a reason.

There is a fine line I believe in dealing with a self-absorbent, controlling, all about me parent and one having dementia or Alzheimer's. So please just be careful although believe me when I say I completely understand.

My poor husband has had to deal with a lot when it comes to my mother. I am an only child and so it makes it very difficult not to recruit my spouse to help. He has been used to try and manipulate me, insulted, yelled at, and just everything else you can imagine. When my husband's mother recently died unexpectedly, he does not want anything to do with my mother due to her lack of care for life. To be honest, I completely agree.

You have to make a choice on what's right for your situation. Venting is great to do, but in the end tough choices based on tough love must evolve. The question is, what will you do to provide for your family and your mother?

Yes, my mother has always been very self oriented. My father really fed into that as well with her. Now she demands that I think of her first. I have come to the realization that since she doesn't have a husband she doesn't want me to have one either. She always finds things for me to do to take me away from my husband when he is home. It is very hard.

Hi Seam you are not alone, i joined last night, and couldnt beleive so many people are in the same boat as me, my story is on "End of my rope " thread where i have replied to the writer..
Its strange how all these mothers we have problems with have all been described as "always been selfish".. its like they are all cut from the same cloth. The me me me cloth..lol..

hi im a carer to my mother in law who has recently been diagnosed with having dementia..its been hard for me all these years having to cope with her terrible demanding personality and as a daughter in law feel she has done her bit of making me feel unconfident when she was young n independent...and now shes ill she is more harder to control n i feel as though sometimes im losing it...shes incontinent...she repeats everyting, shes constantly walking inside the house..demanding to eat more..her own family cant take her because its too much to handle with her

My mother was the controller. She had to do everything in order to ensure it was done right. No one else could do it properly. Suffering from Alzheimer's, there are some things that she can no longer do, but she doesn't realize it. Still she insist on doing them. I just calmly go ahead and do them, talk around her while doing it. It's turned into a game for me, yet there are times I just need a break too.

Working closely with her psychiatrist has been one of the greatest assets. With the proper medication, mom's outburst and control issues have been kept to a much tolerable level, yet without depriving her of her natural self, such as it is with her worsening mental condition.

This site has given me so much. I am sorry that the others here have gone through what I have gone through, and I wish we all had the love and compassion that all children deserved. When my mom got cancer I threw myself into her life to keep her alive because we HAD to bond. Nine years later, she still is not interested.
I prayed so hard-It was level three cancer...nine years ago. Now, she has dementia. And we will NEVER bond, I can't make her love me. So, I prayed for the wrong thing? I think so. Instead of praying to keep her alive for me, I needed to pray for what was best for all of us. I guess the moral of the story is that after all of these years, we just have to let things go. My mother explained that taking care of a baby is just keeping the orafaces clean, the belly full, and then you just ignore them until they can talk and reason with you. (Where she expected us to learn how to talk is beyond me, thank heaven for speach threapy in the public schools,) I will make sure that she is fed, safe, and clean, and I will go to the ones
that can give love to get my love. It was a hard lesson. Not everyone is going to love me. But it does not mean that I am unlovable or unloved. It just means something is missing in her brain. Some glitch. She had the best parents in the world, and she couldn't love them either. It doesn't bother her because she just doesn't know any difference. Maybe we all need to think of it as a handicap and adjust our lives accordingly, but like mitzi- It breaks your heart until the pieces are so small it just can't break anymore. Then we worry that we are cold...and gasp...unloving. But if that were the case, would we still be here? Would we still be working this hard? We need to lighten up on ourselves. Hang in, hang on and love the ones that can love you back.

Good thing caregivers everywhere are finding these boards to know they are not alone. Everyone here is a part of my daily healing. Thank you for helping me realize I am not alone.

Awww. Bless your aching heart. And you the one trying to love and look after her. I'm feeling similar about my mom, too. But Dad's a different story. His Care Page I'm maintaining has attracted 45 faithful followers

DedeDede, I appreciate that, but I'm going to tell you... its the toughest lesson you will ever have to learn. I'm a stubborn booger, so that is one thing I can credit mom for when I have to focus on the good. Its funny because mom always complains how stubborn I am, and first thought I have, "Well DUH, where do you think I learned it from, the boogie man?"

Ladies, I've hard some hard lessons with mom. I'm just now for the first time in my life trying to find who I am. Literally, and its just too long to post in this thread. But let me share with you what brought me to my "boundary" where I can step back (still hurts, but I can do it).

About 10 months ago (before mom's hospital runs and such before assisted living), there was a severe storm here. Now what you have to understand that the past 5 years, since my dad's stroke (he was fairly competent then), she has tried EVERYTHING to get me to quit my job (using my best friend, husband, and job) to stay with her for her needs. So during this severe storm they issued a hurricane warning in our area (which really is unheard of). We are getting ready to go in our basement (its pitch black out). She calls me and begs me to come over and starts crying and pleading. God I've never heard her more pathetic (I had to refrain from crying myself). I said, "Mom if I leave my house, I could die. Then what good would I be? Do you really want that?" Without a flinch in her voice she screamed, "Yes!" and hung up the phone. I was devastated. (crying now as I think about it).

I vowed from that day I couldn't change her selfishness. So when she started throwing her temper tantrums about going to the hospital because she couldn't breathe (as she was yelling) she ran screaming from me into dad's arms, I just held open the front door and said, "You have a choice and I'll take you if you want to go, otherwise I'm leaving you." My husband witnessed her and heard her yelling about how she couldn't believe my husband could marry a woman like me and so forth. I held open the door for 2 minutes, and I shut the door and actually told my husband to come with me. Emotionally I didn't turn back.

Needless to say, mom survived, I had a broken heart about her behavior and even though I cry myself sick sometimes over having such a miserable mother, I try to focus on the one thing she taught me... stubbornness which I jokingly say I use for good not evil.

I still have "challenges" with her, but they have gotten somewhat easier. Do not think that I am this cold-hearted and emotionless person. My husband has watched me cry, get berated and even tried defending me. But I drew my line when she wanted me dead. The question to you guys/gals is what is your breaking line? What is your line in the sand?

I still honor her making sure her basic needs are care for with excellence and get a counselor to go to her facility even to try and help her, but I will not allow the behaviors to affect my life anymore.

Thank you Dede for calling me an icon, but my stubbornness to get past this helped me more. God has given me an innate strength that I rely on Him for. Hopefully you will each find God can provide an innate strength to deal with these challenges. With all humbleness, thank you.

If you ever need to ask question, just find my wall. All I can share is my past.