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I have my narcissistic mother living with us and I am so sad that she is stealing me away from my autistic child. She likes to be the center and is so needy.
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I am just starting here. After I drop my son off at school, I come home and stay in my car for a while to cry or have quiet before I have to feed her. She has decided my cooking is either not the way she prefers, or too large a serving. My cake was too soft.,,,, it never stops. The e cigs don't work. I don't take her outside often enough to smoke.
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Hi everyone. I'm new here... My mom, 81, moved in with us six years ago to allegedly help with my newborn baby. While she's a warm body to be there with our daughter, now 6, she is not very nice. She watches Fox News 24-7 and wants to constantly argue about anything and everything. She is critical about everything I do and care about. I finally saw a counselor three years ago to help me deal with the anger and frustration. (My sister was supposed to help by having our mom stay with her every so often but that's fallen by the wayside now that our mom has become such a nasty piece of work.)

It's gotten better, but now we have to have this argument every 6 to 8 months about alcohol in the home. My mom is basically an alcoholic and agreed twice already not to drink in the home. After half a year or so of being fine, she starts to buy those four-pack bottles of wine to have at home on nights we're out for dinner. It is awful to have to have the same fight every time. She gets angry with me and becomes sullen. She starts ignoring me in my own home and makes it generally uncomfortable for any of us in the house. (She only talks to my husband and our daughter. She goes out of her way to treat me badly.)

I am so angry again. I am sick of paying for her cell phone (unlimited minutes because she REFUSED to honor the time limitations so as to save us money) and everything else. She buys some of her own groceries, but for the most part sits at the table with us and eats whatever we make because she's decided she won't be cooking any longer, other than simple things for herself.

Anyway, I'm pregnant again and am due in June. I am so bummed out that I have to have such an unpleasant presence in the home. I feel so frustrated!!! I feel trapped. She has a very fixed income ($800 for social security) and can't live on her own. Ugh.
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Gensies, my mother had (and still has) $800 in SS as her only income. She lived in a subsidized senior apartment building for many years, toward the end with lots of social support. She now lives in an old but very caring nursing home, near two of my sisters.

This is just to point out that our social safety nets are not so bad that old people with limited income have to live on the street. Your mother CAN live somewhere else, and it can be perfectly adequate. She can get the kind of help she needs. For example, when my mom couldn't safely cook she got meals on wheels.

I suggest you go back to the counselor who helped you before, and also that you give up the notion that there are no other options for your mother.
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jeannegibbs: Thank you so much for the encouragement. I need to look into it more, I think. It seems like so little, but if there really are subsidies, that would be a tremendous help. She truly makes my life miserable. And I hate to say this - because I know in some ways it is a blessing - but she's really healthy, which means she could live with me for at least 10 more years! I turn 40 this year and can't believe some of the best times of my life could be spent being upset with this person in my home. I am getting closer to wanting her out. Her reticence toward obeying the rules (no alcohol in my home) is forcing the issue sooner than later.
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I noticed that in jan 2011 linda22 stated about her mother living with her. I wondered how the situation resolved. I find myself in that situation, the same as how you described it, the only difference my sister passed away so I'm the only one left to help my mom. She lives with us and I find it was a hugh mistake! I would love to hear from you linda22.
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paula55, a lot has occurred since the original post (and my apologies to all for my novella.....). My BIL had just passed, my sister's health was compromised and we learned our mom's "good" leg was far worse than we'd known. She was unsafe and miserable at home alone, refused to take any precautions. My sister could no longer care for her or live with her, I was unable to care for her fulltime and my husband finally said enough. That summer, my sister and I moved her into a lovely assisted living (AL) facility. We basically gave her no options - since she's intertwined our three lives years ago, we had to start making decisions including our needs as well. Despite her complaints, she made friends, went on outings and had 24 hour backup.

Two years later, she suffered a couple of TIA's and was in the hospital. While she was there, we learned she had other previously unknown health issues, including CHF. A team of docs and therapists (OT,PT) determined she needed a higher level of care and she was moved to a skilled nursing facility for rehab, then long term care. She's been there 18 months.

She's now in a wheelchair, her vision is diminished, they take good care of her and keep the CHF under control. She's mightily unhappy, part because of aging body, part because she hates the place, part because she can't just do what she's always done and part because she thinks all will be fine if she were in her hometown. For a myriad of reasons (family dynamics, sister's health, weather considerations, etc.), she's in my city. My sister did so much for our folks (Dad had AD), that it was my turn so she could get healthy, emotionally as much as physically.

There was some serious help from above, in that each transition for her coincided with one for us. While she was in AL, my sister and I were able to get our strength back for our next phases. Hers was dealing with health and job stress, mine was my husband's PD diagnosis and the life changes there. In fact, her transition to NH came one month after his PD diagnosis. Because she is cared for and safe, I am able to focus on him. As my MIL's health declined, I've been able to give the inlaws backup.
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My goodness! It feels like when it rains, it pours. Glad to hear your mom's in a safe place getting good care.
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wow my hats of to all of you .........ive been there done that .........and doing that again this time in my life I have met an fell in love with my soul mate an after only 2 short years of being together BOOM her mother gets ill and moves in with us now her health is better but totally controls my girlfriends life ........it makes me want to explode cuz shes constantly wanting to know our business and tortures my girlfriend with the poor pitiful me act that I totally see right thru ......a nursing home would never be an option since we both work at one but it seems shes taking over and its just NOT FAIR..........im about to blow and when I do its not gonna be a happy day for her .........I just know my girlfriend will be the one feeling the brunt of it because its gonna be the pity act all over again stay strong folks good luck to each and every one of u
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My mom is 91 years old and we have let her live in her own home despite her demands that one of her children take her to live with them. My Dad died five years ago and since then she has been a pain in the a**. She has no friends, does not like to go anywhere to make them. Wants to be with one of her children all the time and she does not realize it is trying on the children's spouses to spend all their free time with her. She has lived her life and we probably will not be so lucky to live 91 years. She is very selfish and we cannot share anything we do with others for fear she becomes more obstinate and mean towards us. She views our life as great and her's is terrible. I would rather be dead near by father's grave than have her live with me.
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Pappie - what happens next depends on who has power of attorney in the family. If it's not you, then you're off the hook. Just because she wants what she wants doesn't mean that's what's going to happen.

Sounds like she needs to be evaluated for dementia.
My mother was the same way, but she had mental illness before dementia.

It will help if you're all a united front about mom. If it's not safe for her to live alone, then she has to go where she will be safe - the end. That does not have to be anybody's home. She could go into a senior residence. You all have rights and some boundaries are in order here.

She will be mad most likely. There are a lot worse things than mad. Having her in an unsafe situation is a lot worse than her being ticked off. Part of brain degeneration is the loss of emotional controls and filters, so they will start acting like petulant little children having a tantrum. You have to look beyond that behavior and see what's really going on there.

Some will use these techniques as an avoidant behavior. Being mean usually works to keep people away. The logic is child-like. If I can avoid talking or dealing with this scary complicated thing, then it's not happening.

If mom is no longer able to keep herself clean, cook safely, prepare & handle food safely, take her medicine correctly, and is not really in touch with reality, then she can't stay home alone anymore. But again - none of you adult children with established lives do not need to move in to fill in the gaps. I can promise you that would be a disaster.
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Wow some of these post are shameful. These are the very same people that gave birth to you, saw you through sickness and injuries. These are the people that fed and clothed you and for many that put you through private school and college. I am disgusted by the mere thought of putting parents out or sending them to some home to be among strangers awaiting their final call home. This is a classic example of why humanity is such a mess. I would rather live with dogs than most humans.
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A320PYLT I hope that is what you do -- live with dogs. We each deserve to live our lives by our own standards.

Who are you caring for? Do they love dogs, too? What if they didn't? Or had allergies? Would you give up your dogs for them?

Just curious.

Must feel good to know what is right for all of humanity.
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My 90 year old mother in law and would not have it any other way! I was not fortunate enough to have my mother long as she passed at the age of 36 but you can best believe when the time comes I will GLADLY take in my father without so much as second thought. If my dogs were an issue not a problem they would go and stay with my brother and I would still provide their food. See this what REAL FAMILIES do! We come together to care for our own. Those who gave us life we do just throw out like the trash. I sincerely hope that your children don't feel about you the way you feel about your parents but usually the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Don't know about the rest of humanity I just know what I read here and responded to that.

Oh and for the record my parents took in my grandfather for a time until his passing and I have to believe that he was far happier as a result.
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A320PYLT not all parents helped their kids through sickness or bought them clothing etc. Mine didn't. we were hungry more than we were fed. They thought beer and bars were more important. Some parents never should have had children...... WHAT THEN ?? You have no idea what some people have went through with their parents. who are you to judge ?????
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There are people like you everywhere that has had parents like that but now its up to you to break the mold and be different. I am puzzled here, why on you on this site commenting if you have no love for your parents????? I can agree that many should not have children and many mistreat the children they have so are you one of those who will continue the cycle or change the direction? Who am I to judge? Who judges others all the time? THE PEOPLE! Wake up lady and figure it out...
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I had a pretty decent childhood. My mother is in a nursing home because she gets professional medical there. My brothers and i have in no way put my mother away; we visit, we manage her finances and insurance and medical care.

I'm sure there are folks out there who enkoy caring for their elders. I think most of on here either have elders who have dementia or mental illnesses or medical problems that are beyond our capacity to manage. I respect all these folks and the choices they make, in the same way that i support parents who choose to send their kids to day care and public school, as well as those who stay at home with their kids and home school them. I think practising tolerance goes a long way toward making this a better world.
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A320, as I've gotten older, I've come to understand that there are no one-size fits all solutions to parenting, marriages and parental caregiving. Your dogmatic pronouncements indicate to me that you don't share that idea. No matter.

I do have a REAL family - my sister and I stepped up to help our parents when our dad was diagnosed with AD nearly three decades ago. We continued to help and also give them the best quality of life we were able to.

We have not "thrown" her out - we got past the point where we could care for her increasing needs, our spouses' increasing needs and our own health was suffering. This is not a case of "you could do it if you wanted to" - I know that I cannot help my husband care for his parents, help him with his own health issues and still personally care for my mom's care needs.

As for the kids, I hope the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Because the kids have seen their aunt and I plugging away, despite this constant tug of war with our mom. They've seen us care for their grandparents with love and humor.

Oh and for the record, my mom didn't provide care for any of her parents, or my dad's.
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Linda, as you have stated, there is no one size fits all and maybe I am a little more sensitive to the subject because I only had my mother a short time. She died when she was just 36yrs old. I watched my grandmother care for her until the last day but that took and enormous emotional toll on her and she passed just 2 1/2 years later followed by my grandfather a month after losing my grandmother. I could not imagine putting my father in any facility unless his health was such that being at home among his family was detrimental to his health and well being. When my mother inlaw began to show signs of her age it was me that told my wife that we have kept this big house for a reason and now that our boys are grown we need to take care of her. She doesn't want to be alone or in a place with strangers and although people can and do make friends its just not the same as being with your kids and grand children. I know that if it were me I wouldn't want to be left in some facility provided I was medically sound enough to be in a home environment. Sure we all say that we wouldn't want to be a burden and to some extent there is truth to that statement. I would much rather just go ahead and die than to drag my boys down but if I am blessed enough to make it 90yrs of age how much more life will I actually have? I have made sure that health care for my wife and I are covered should we need in home care it will be there. I don't know your beliefs but for me I have to think there is a higher being that created us. I don't want to be there at my judgement being asked why I did not take care of the ones that took care of me.

I think I am just a little more sensitive about all this now that really think about it.
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Omg. I'm in awe at these posts... it's somewhat comforting to find others in simular situations. But quite honestly I still feel like there's no solution! As I am writing this I feel like crying my eyes out! I'm a 32 year old single mother of a 5 and 3 year old.... battled depression from an extremely disfunctional family.. and finally learned how to come a few years ago... or hide it well... not sure. But recently I felt myself getting back certain feelings. .. I've become alot more serious...secluded.. I refuse to date or socialize... and refrain from visiting family due to them being the trigger to my anxiety...my mother mainly....
And now that my grandmother passed who's income was helping her keep her home. She suddenly threw away her plans to get herself an apartment that I thought was the official plan and called to ask me if she can move in with me... I hesitated... then said yes.. who can tell their mother no!
As soon as I said yes I felt all my stress and anxiety that took me over 20 years to finally ease hit me full force and then some! I've been on my own since the age of 17... not to Rebel but bc my mother is the most negative and miserable,depressed spirit draining, manipulative..... woman I know... very weak and unable to get over her and my father's divorce from 7 years ago.. yes I understand it's hard sometimes but her entire life revolves around him and his current situation. He's moved on with other children and she hates that I don't hate him as she does.. she speaks of him daily and blames him for her current situation. If I don't bend my brows she gets upset and thinks I'm heartless for not allowing her situation to bother me as much... she finds satisfaction is me and others being depressed. It's a serious matter. She is very weak. And exposes her as well as her grandchildren to the most negative! She does nothing to shelter us from pain..instead would rather us feel is full strength... I love my mother...but I do not like her...my sister keeps her distance bc she doesn't want to expose her own children to the negative lifestyle and I FINALLY jumped on board a few weeks ago.. and a week later.... she hits me with this! I can't sleep...or eat. I'm actually really stressed out about this. I'm tense and I don't talk to anyone so it's building tension. I've change mine and my children's lifestyle habits...less sugar. More veggies. Less meat... and she is spending the weekend with us now and brought literally 4 bags of sugar worms... hot dogs.. bacon.. smoking around them... and criticizing me for being strict about our POSITIVE changes!!! I'm so sickened and idk what to do... she's not easy to talk too. And it's not as simple as telling her how I feel. Trust me..if I do I will be the worst person. She will make me feel so guilty and I am already very soft and unconfrontational. It's just not in me..I suffer alot bc if this...
I'm screaming inside!!! If and when this happens I will surely fall right back into a pit of depression.. I'm a very private person and she is the type to speak every word of her personal business to ppl who don't care. And have ppl speaking about us. I don't speak to any of my neighbour's bc of how quiet I am and I've lived here for 4 years! She will have the neighbourhood walking in and out...I do not date bc my children are young and I do not want random men around my kids. I don't trust easily.. and she's into dating to get her mind away from the divorce and I know there will be big issues if she even speaks of bringing any strangers in my home where my children are...
.somebody please help me.
I'm begging. This will alter my life for the absolute worst! :(
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The only one who can help you is YOU. You need to tell your mom that she can't move in with you.

Easy? No. Necessary for your mentsl health? Yes. Essential for the health and safety of your children? H3ll yes!!!
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Im single with young children and my mother lives with me. She has changed my entire house to be what she wants. I hate it. She thinks it's her role to buy all the groceries and cook all the food and gets angry and verbally insults me if I cook anything. She transformed my house into what she likes, I feel uncomfortable in it, really hate being home all together. If I put a picture somewhere, she moves it. If I decorate anything, she takes it down and puts up something else. She does this in every room of my house. She cut my curtains and made them into different curtains. It is awful. my kids are picking up her negativity. I feel guilty because she is not financially capable of supporting herself, she depends on my money, so I feel I can't ask her to move out. I can't afford to support two households, so she remains with me. I hate it. Depressing.
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When did your mother come to live with you? Where did she live before?
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She has been with me 7 years, lived in her own home prior. Was having a lot of difficulty at her job, We could both see that she would not be able to continue working. She sold her home, which was far from being paid for, and without working she can't support herself. I do not have any siblings to help, so this feels like a lonely journey. Perhaps because I'm not married she feels like my house is her own and she does what she wants. She tells me what to do a lot, treats me like a child. Im the sole financial provider. I hate my house (which feels like her house), so much that I would rather not come home at all, but I do, for my kids.
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She makes me feel as if she is "The mother", I'm a child and my kids are her kids too. If I say something to my kids, she corrects me. She overrides everything I want and say to my kids. I don't like her attitude or the fact that my kids are picking up her attitude. She tells me how to treat my ex-husband (father of my kids) and tries to say when he can see them and when he can't. She has been unsuccessful at that, but she still tries.
I think she believes she is helping me as a spouse would.... But nobody wants their mother to take on the role that a spouse would. I don't ask her advice, I'm very capable of living my own life, maintaining my home, and raising my children.
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Alive,, grab a spine and tell her you need some say here. Maybe not all the say, she does need to feel like it;s her house too.. but some say. Maybe she needs to hear you feel "run over".. make a schedule as to who cooks when.. maybe she can cook when you work, and you cook on your days off? She can redecorate her areas, and you get control of the rest? If you are the sole financial provider you have some leverage here if you stand up for your self. When she tries to boss you around.. tell her you are an adult, or just say "uh huh" and go about your business. I know this is harder than I say, but small step still get to the top! Good luck
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She feels the entire house is hers and would not agree to decorate her own space. She seems narcissistic in my opinion. Any confrontation or discussion to change things would not be received and she would totally make me feel like crap for even suggesting such things
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I have tried cooking, she insulted me for awhile, I kept cooking, then she told me how she would not eat it (I could care less) so she retreated to the basement very disgusted with me. She took the whole ordeal as an insult to her.
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OK, let me say..Let her!! If she is hungry she will eat eventually. Just ignor the insults. Do you want your children eating unheathy food? and she makes you feel like crap for wanting to do what you want in your own home? Tuff luck to her. Maybe you need to point out to her that it is YOUR house.. and you are sharing it with her.. and stop feeling like crap right now. You need to take back some control.. Maybe ignor her for a bit and do what you need to,, She does indeed sound like a Narc, and you need to nip this in the bud before your children begin to disrespect you also
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Thank you
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