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She came to live with you before or after your divorce? How old are the children?
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I vaguely remember the days when I thought it was goodness to be soft and easygoing, endlessly sympathetic, and to set as few boundaries as possible. I still like to be that way, but when a limit must be set I find my big girl panties and put 'em on. Find your strength. Pray for it if you can't sense it within yourself to be brave and take on the leadership role, however unwanted, when that is thrust on you by the kinds of challenges we find ourselves facing with our families. Don't say "I can't, because it is my MOM." Mom, as well as the rest of your family needs you to say no and say the other things that need to be said, and to back up words with firm yet ultimately loving actions.
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It's about what's best for the family - for every member of your family - not just about what's best for one member of a family. Pull together, prioritize the problems, and put together workable solutions. Atop the list is your living situation.
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The reason I asked about the timing of things is that there are two hugely different scenarios that are possible:

1. Marriage falls apart, poster is left with two tiny children and a mess on her hands, mother moves in to help. Which at first is wonderful, but then once the initial sh*tstorm is over presents its own set of problems...

2. Mother moves in, marriage falls apart, mother makes strenuous efforts to prove how wonderful she is and the break-up couldn't possibly be anything to do with her...

Either way, a new backbone will have to be grown which can be a painful process, and I sympathise. But it makes a difference what *species* of difficult mother you're dealing with.
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Your sister has already said enough is enough. Your mother is taking down one daughter at a time. Your mother refused all rational help "including legal matters." Your sister was cleaning and mowing the lawn of a house her mother didn't even live in anymore. Talk about wasting someone's time and energy!

I agree that you need to learn to stand up to your needy mother - who really ought to be socializing with people her own age.

Talk to your sister about Power of Attorney, etc. and both of you start touring senior apartments. Compare notes before taking your mother with you.

Once you've got brochures in hand, do not let your mother's waterworks derail the conversation. Learn to steer a difficult conversation. This is the kind of conversation you keep on having for weeks sometimes before a parent understands that you will not let it go and that things are changing. It's scary but it's not the end of the world. I wish you lots of luck, courage, and strength.
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lol , so get it, stay strong, just a relief to know others are struggling with this curve ball too, dearly love my mum but it is so challenging. much love to all caring for elderly parents
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Ok, pop died 2 weeks ago. Only two weeks. Mom is an active 81. drives, looks great, does her hair, etc. Only my dad did everything for her. everything. She didn't know anything about the checkbook, insurances, anything. I am an only child. She's been with us since he passed. And I am already ready to run screaming from the room. My husband's family has had so many members pass, that we try and just keep moving, we tell stories, we laugh and remember them. This is the first major loss on my side. But my neck and back hurt. My chest is tight. Oh, and both my husband and myself work full time. We have a small place now, 2 almost adult kids still here, one going this summer. We had planned to downsize and start really saving until retirement. My parents' financial situation has put the fear of God into me, so we need to save, etc, as long as we possible can. oh, I'm 58. I don't want to feel this way, but already do. She's also one to be the center of attention. I can't do it. thanks for listening.
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I'm in that situation, not married yet to my partner and dealing with blended family issues - we both have children. My new "mother-in-law"just lost her husband and job and is living with us in our new home. She is only 60, very healthy with 40+ years of work experience and masters degree. She is always talking about his ex-wife and how great she is/ comparing her and me and off-handed, insensitive comments to my children. The comment to my son yesterday was "nobody loves you." Their father never sees them and they are feeling insecure about the situation in our home. that was completely inappropriate knowing that was a sensitive issue. 
She undermines our new family rules and my authority completely. I'm a very caring and compassionate person with strong religious faith so I was very challenged about asking her to leave our new home. I watched my relationship fall apart with my children and my partner. I tried to be compassionate and everyone suffered. I also physically suffered with an extreme allergic reaction to her cats. I don't sleep anymore and very sad to be honest. My partner grows tired of watching me suffer but I was refusing to "kick her out." Come to find out- he is still married to his "ex" wife which my "mother-in-law" fairly recently told me. We are all very successful, well-educated (stupid) people but my life is starting to sound like a bad soap. My advice- if you really care for mom/dad make sure they live near you. Stipulate specific times when you can see them/activities. If you can hire someone to do their household chores. My floors and furniture, linen, bedding etc was ruined from her aging cats- so you need to weigh the emotional and financial expenses. You will salvage the relationship if they don't live with you- unless it is a highly unique situation or culture where it is expected. Be sure first all family members have a solid history together before engaging in this life changing event. Alive alive I have similar experiences- cooking everything- she will only eat cereal - I've been told over the years my food is good- I don't understand- what a mess
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I'm so glad I found this as I feel so very guilty at times with my mom living with us but it can be so stressful!! Its nice to see so many are in same situations..
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My mother lives with us and we need to sell our home and move away, the abuse and turmoil is beyond what we can handle, we have tried everything, the last step was therapy, that didn't work. How do we have her removed from the house when she refuses to leave? She has threatened to sabotage the sale of the house, is trying to charge us with elder abuse because we want to move on and away, what do we do? I never thought I would need to run away from her but we are all hiding in our rooms and added locks to them when we are home, we go out more then we can afford to eat because she uses the kitchen as a trap when we there, it's relentless.
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bumping this up, so maybe someone might have some advice. this thread is 7 years old, you may want to start your own to get advice. Best wishes, may God bless you.
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dgibbs, you'll get more responses by copying your paragraph into a new post. Also explain who got therapy and what kind. How long has she been living with you? How old is she? What is her financial status (can she afford to live on her own)? Is the "us" you and your husband, or are there additional members of your household?

Starting a new thread and giving more details will enable us to be more specific in our responses.

Welcome to AgingCare!
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I’m seeing my mom in many of these posts. Self-centered, wanting attention ~ woe is me attitude. When my Dad was sick ~ The doctors told us he needed hospice or a nursing home. My mom had just been released from the hospital, where they couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so my 4 siblings and I told her about Dad. Her response, I can’t take care of him, he will have to go to a nursing home. He did and died a few weeks later.
My mom was sick earlier this year ~ Hospital then nursing home (I won’t even go in to the guilt trip she put me on), so I brought her to my house. She has been recovered for awhile and mentions to my brother that she should go back to her house, but she doesn’t. My husband and I want our house back...my siblings only come to visit her, no help from them at all. How can I tell her nicely, it is time for you to go to your house? She can afford a caregiver, if she is lonely, because just like others, she refuses to socialize...expects me to entertain my siblings and their spouses. I’m tired of being a waitress, caregiver, and no help from siblings. I want her to go home! Any suggestions on how to tell her? Because, as you see, I am resenting her now. Thank you.
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A320... If your life is so perfect, I’m wondering “why” you are at this page judging everyone who does NOT have the perfect life!
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