My mother is in a care home. She is wandering and losing her way to her room. She is very angry and frustrated. We heard from the care home that she is upsetting the residents, who are asking not to be sat next to her. She is imperious and critical and keeps saying "I'm 91, I will do what I want." Friends no longer want to call because she is rude and hangs up on them if they do not agree that she should return to the flat.
My brother went to see her today and when she started insisting on going home, again, and he explained again that it is not safe as she can't look after herself she became verbally abusive saying she does not have dementia. My niece witnessed the whole thing was devastated. When my brother came back into the room and told my mother that she had upset her niece who had come a long way to see her, my mother said "Good."
When my nephew visited recently and sai "Granny, I got a new helicopter for Christmas" she said "I don't CARE!"
I believe I am grieving the loss of her. Is it normal to feel devastated? What can I do to help her? I thought of writing a letter, as she seems to be able to retain the written word, but I am afraid that if she realizes she absolutely is not returning home that she might harm herself. She has been threatening to throw herself down the stairs if she does not get what she wants. She is also drinking a lot and becoming more agressive.
The care home people said that if she does nt respond to anti depressants they will need to lock her in the dementia ward. And yet she is articulate and knows who everyone is so she is not all that far gone yet.
It is shocking and sad. I live in America, she is in England. Any suggestions as to how to manage my own anxiety and how to help her and my family would be so gratefully received.
My heart is breaking and I do not know what to do. My mother denies she has dementia.
I think the problem is they are just worried about filling beds and accept people that shouldn't be in AL.
I have seen many seniors that are just old and can't run a household anymore, so they go to AL. That's what they were originally intended for, making life easier so you could enjoy the energy you have daily and not be strapped with to many chores. Hence all the activities.
The other thing my mother threatened CONTINUOUSLY was 'running out in traffic' to kill herself, or 'jumping out the window' or 'throwing herself down the stairs' or yada yada. She did it for YEARS and lived to 95 without actually doing ANY harm to herself at all. It's histrionics and theatrics your mother is throwing at you, nothing more. In Memory Care, there are no unlocked windows to throw oneself out of, no unlocked stairwells for one to fall down, and no unlocked exterior doors that one can manage to run out into traffic and get run over as a result of. Yet another reason to KNOW your mother is living in a safe environment and her threats hold NO water.
My mother was also taking the max dose of anti depressants which did NOTHING to stop the progression of dementia, as this 'care facility' should KNOW! Anti depressants keep a person's mood a bit brighter, they surely do not deal with Anosognosia, the condition that causes someone to be unaware of their mental health condition and how it affects them. It's common in some conditions, including dementia. So, someone who has been properly diagnosed with dementia, but has anosognosia, doesn't know or believe that they have dementia. My mother also suffered from anosognosia and passed away insisting she had nothing whatsoever wrong with her. Didn't make it TRUE, just made it HER perception of the truth.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
I suggest you get your mother into Memory Care where she belongs, and just accept this is her lot in life. Sad but no different than any other medical dx in advanced old age, like cancer or heart disease.
Best of luck.
And for God's sake, how is she allowed alcohol in this place?! None of the residents should be drinking!
Has she always been grouchy like this? She may be the sort of person who, if she's feeling crummy, wants to make everyone else feel the same way. Taking them down with her.
I don't think a letter would do much. She sounds determined to hate the place and snap at people. She needs medical treatment, not a pep talk.
Just because she is articulate and know who people are, doesn't negate the dementia. If she's wandering, she needs the locked ward.
Let the antidepressants a try. They may calm her down a bit, keep that snarky tone to a livable level, or they may do nothing. Again, the brain is not 'normal' any more.
I watched my beautiful grandmothers age out gracefully and with so much love in their hearts. I realize NOW what a wonderful blessing that was!
My mom got a little mean, but she was manageable by simply not engaging her in her anger or gossip. I'd just leave when she got under my skin.
My MIL is not 'demented' but as she's aged, her normal, not so nice personality has increased a hundredfold and she does not hold back anything she thinks. So people assume she has dementia, when she's simply mean and hateful. Her only outside contacts are her daughter and her family (and frankly, they aren't all that thrilled to have her around). She tolerates my DH but he usually comes home from a visit with her upset and grouchy. He has zero patience for her shenanigans and he REALLY hates that she hates me and spends a lot of the time they're together slamming ME. When I have not seen nor spoken to her for 3+ years!
A letter may make YOU feel better, but it's doubtful she'd retain any of it.
Get help for yourself and limit the time you spend worrying over her. You can't change her, you can't even really help her. I know that's harsh, but we see so MANY CG's on this site who have burned out completely....don't let that happen to you.
BTW--
How is she getting alcohol in a NH? Just wondering. And when she says she going to kill herself, just say "OK mom, but don't leave a mess". That generally shuts down that kind of talk.
Good Luck to you--this journey is no darn fun.