My mother went into the hospital last night. I can’t stop crying.

I am so sorry to read about your mom. This is one of the things that can happen when older folks live alone. She didn't want you to do things for her and there were things she needed to have done. It's a hard position for you to be in - do you make her angry by forcing her or let it be according to her wishes. You aren't alone - lots of folks let the elder continue on because they don't want the argument. It's not an easy argument to win. Try to ease up on yourself.

For others reading this post, maybe it can be a wakeup call. Get the alert buttons and enforce elder to wear it. It's like any habit, it has to be reinforced over and over before it becomes the habit. I'm not saying the outcome in this particular situation would have absolutely been any different since a stroke was involved and the person may not be aware enough to push the button. However for a fall that didn't involve a potential mind altering event, it might be the difference between 30 minutes on the floor and several days.

Push the issue about hygiene even if it makes them mad. Remind them there is more involved than personal desire not to have help. Be very specific that if they land in the hospital the drs are going to question why a person was allowed to get in the shape they're in under the watch of children/family/friends. If they can no longer bathe alone, wash hair, handle personal hygiene, someone (family or hired person) will be coming to help them or make sure it gets done. Feet are a real issue for elderly. Get a podiatrist and make it a regular check up. If office visit a problem, call beauty shops in the area that may have folks who do house visits.

For the parent who is declining, to any degree, set up a daily phone schedule. If you visit in the home, you know when things are changing in abilities. Spend more time with the parent to see what really goes on at different times of the day. Spend a week at their house to see more of the big picture.

For many years, while my mom was still quite independent and doing well on her own, we talked each morning between 8-830 am, sometimes during the day, and every single night when she got into the bed. Had I not been able to reach her, I had several people I could call to go inside her house to check on her. It took some time to convince her to keep the alert button on her neck, but I did. It also had gps that I could look to see if she was with a sibling if she didn't answer during the day. (I lived about 200 miles away at that time). (I highly recommend Great Call 5 Star alert button). Daily contact is VERY important.

For the hard core, not gonna move, not gonna have help in my house - while they are still mentally alert start working on the inhome help when they need it. Explain you cannot knowingly let them live in a dangerous situation because they are being hardheaded. You need to do 'this' or you cannot live alone. Reiterate by saying I do not want to end up in jail when a judge says I allowed you to live in a bad situation. I'm not going to let you have the accident that will definitely happen if there is a way for me to prevent it.

My grandmother was the most independent woman I ever met. When neighbors called to say she was on the roof sweeping pine needles, we had a talk. Her motto was 'I want to wear out, not rust out'. So, without others around, we had the chat. If you continue to try to prove to yourself and others how tough you are, you're going to fall and end up in a bed rusting out. Not because you aren't strong, but because your body cannot take a fall now like it could have 50 years ago. Lots of anger on her face, but she caved and let me move the ladder to the outbuilding - agreed to call for help with climbing things. And she did. I let her tell others that she decided it was too dangerous and not planning to do the roof anymore.

Elaine, You sound like a good and caring person. Please don't feel guilty. You did the best you could with what you were faced with. I too found my mom on the floor 6 yrs. ago with a broken arm. For some reason she thought she didn't need her walker, which she was very dependent on, to get a blanket from across the room at 4am. I had last spoken to her at 8pm the previous night and when she didn't answer her phone the next morning I went over. One young doctor in the ER made me feel guilty about how long she had been on the floor. Mom did not want me living with her or hovering over her. You can be in the next room or the same room and a parent can fall! This doctor will learn this when he is older and has elderly parents and realizes he cannot hover next to them every minute. We don't have a crystal ball to tell us when these things may happen. Please do not feel guilty. Take this one day at a time, and I wish much strength for you during this time, and a good recovery for your mom.

There are so many people that post and say...My Mom, Dad, Grandma...won't let anyone help them, what do we do.
My response is generally the same.
You wait for some catastrophic event that will force action. (if it is not to late)
"Action" is either in the form of getting help to come in or moving the loved one to a facility where they will be safe or into your home (sometimes you moving into theirs) All this after Rehab if that is part of the appropriate Plan of Care.
Part of all this is gaining the legal ability to "force" some of these actions into effect. this means a trip to an Elder Care Attorney (at least that is the best route) or other Attorney that can handle this type of thing.
No matter what has happened if your Loved One REFUSES help and care if you have no legal say they can go back to the way things were and the next crisis may be the last one.
You did nothing "wrong"
To everyone else if you do have an elder loved one, or one that is compromised in any way a DAILY check in is a good idea. (I have joked around that I will not change a light bulb unless someone is with me, I would hate to fall from a ladder and no one find me until it is to late.)
some of her confusion might be partly due to the stroke but some of it may be due to dehydration if she had not had anything to eat or drink for 48 hours.

good thing is you found her.
she was alert
and she is now getting the medical attention that she needs and probably would have refused previously. And now she may be more willing to accept the help that she needs.
((hugs)) to both of you.

So sorry that you are experiencing this pain. You have been helping your mother and she has been resistant to your efforts.

Strokes that are clot-based can be reversed if caught within 3 hours of onset. Strokes caused by hemorrhages can not be reversed. You most likely would not have gotten there in time on Monday to have reversed the stroke.

Please continue to visit your mother and encourage her. The pneumonia and the stroke deficits can be scary and your calm, loving presence can really impact her recovery. When she is ready for rehab, please consider visiting her in a rehab center - residential facility where one lives and receives A LOT of physical therapy. She will need to work very hard to regain mobility and dexterity.

Thinking of you, so many of us. Hoping you will update us. It is such good news about no move until Monday earliest. Hope your bro there. So glad of the peace she is in now. You must take care of yourself in all this; I hope you are getting rest and a whole lot of love. Heart with you, Elaine.

You found her and took care of the situation. Don’t let comments spoken by people who don’t know her or you seep into your mind. You need a clear perspective so that you can make good decisions for her going forward. This is a window of opportunity to step up or step back.

Elaine
I’m so sorry HUGS

Do not feel bad. It is almost impossible to help someone who will not accept help or is in denial. My mother-in-law (90) lives in a huge house about 4 hours from where we live. She refuses to budge from there saying she likes a big house, even though her housekeeping is slipping a bit.

She doesn't have a cell phone or computer - she thinks they put out radiation or something, as if that would do anything to her at age 90 even if they did. We have tried to persuade her to get an alert necklace and she won't do that. She is secretive about her health and physical abilities, although she seems to be pretty spry when we visit her. Oh, she is also deaf as a post and either doesn't wear her hearing aids or they don't work.

Fortunately, there are neighbors who look out for her and could tell if something was wrong, but there is nothing we can do until a crisis hits.

Everybody feels guilty or at least has conflicting emotions when something happens to a parent. All those years of what we have been, or haven't been, to each other comes into play. Praying you will be at peace in your heart. It's obvious that you love and care for your mother. Don't let the docs make you feel guilty. Tell them to buzz off.

Dear Elaine,

 I just wanted you to know that I have been praying for Mom and you. We are with you in spirit during this challenging time. Take care of yourself too 🙏

Be near me in my time of weakness and pain; sustain me by your grace, that my strength and courage may not fail; heal me according to your will; and help me always to believe that what happens to me here is of little account if you hold me in eternal life, my Lord and my God. Amen.

You need to install Cameras in the parts of the home she's in. My son installed Nest Camera's that are pretty simply to install at my Dad's house who is 86 yrs old and has Dementia and short term memory. He has 24 7 care because he can't get up by himself or fix food Ect.

He doesn't even know how to use his phone anymore.

Having the cameras made my life so much better without having to worry about my Dad.

I had one installed in his bathroom because that's a place which elderly fall and I have one in his bedroom and one mounted in the kitchen with shows me the Den area where he is most if the time in his recliner watching tv.

I can watch him from my Cell phone or computer and see what he's doing, saying and how the Caregivers are treating him.
You need to have the cameras installed before your mom is home from the Hospital.

The Dr would be able to tell you if your mom was dehydrated or not which would give an idea how long she was on the floor but happy you found her when you did.

Prayers for your mom's health and that she can go home asap as
she will be happier and healthier and recoop better at home where she's not stuck for blood, ect every 4 hrs.

I hope you are able to stay with her in her room at the Hospital, as I believe people in Hospitals need an advocate.

Prayers

I had a similar situation. My mother at age 80 slipped on a throw rug in her house, banged her forehead on a desk on the way down, and was not found for 3 days. Mail carrier noticed mail had not be taken in, and alerted neighbors. Mom had vascular dementia already before the fall, but the fall and head injury made her much more impaired. We think she had some type of brain event in the hours before she fell, because she had arranged pots and pans under beds and in closets in various rooms of the house--but brain imaging did not show a stroke. Mom was in the hospital for a week, and it looked grim--she had to be spoon-fed, had trouble swallowing, thought my brother was her husband, totally incontinent, thought a fire in a TV movie was a real fire. A week later she could put weight on her feet, so she went to inpatient rehab for 4 weeks. Just 3 days after arriving at rehab, she was on a stationary bike! Now she has her mobility back, speech OK, reading and writing OK, and a boyfriend at the memory care center. So it's possible your mom could recover to some extent--I hope that happens. Don't be too hard on yourself--you did not cause a stroke!

I am so sorry that this has happened. Just know that it is not your fault. She sounds like a very “independent” lady who kept going on her own by her own choice until now.

I suggest that the have a mobile alert with her at all times. You can have one also. If in the future she needs help all she has to do is push the button. Don't feel guilty. You can't be every where all the time. Have a good cry, Look to the future.

Please stop feeling guilty. My father fell down his stairs and laid there for 3 days before his neighbors became suspicious because they could see lights left on all night that normally were turned off. I had tried many times to get my dad to come stay with me (I lived in a different town 60 miles away so couldn’t check him daily) but he refused. I finally turned him over to God because he was so stubborn. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital after the fall and was diagnosed with vascular dementia. They said they couldn’t allow him to go back home alone and I finally had the intervention I needed to bring him home with me where he finished out his days under my care. I’m sure this is a common occurrence with older folks. Unless they live with you there isn’t much you can do. I suppose a medic alert device could be helpful. My dad always mocked those commercials where the woman fell down and couldn’t get back up and here he almost met his demise in the same way. Anyway, it’s not your fault so you should not feel guilty.

Elaine, know that we are all here for you. Thinking of you and mom and brother. 💟

Elaine, my heart hurts for you. I just walked this road of saying goodbye this past summer. It feels like time is both racing and standing still all at once. Prayers for peace for all of you...

NHWM - great that your brother was able to spend some good time with his kids/grandkids before dying. Waiting for loved ones to come to say good byes then slipping into a coma is very common, according to the two hospice nurses (Maggie Callanan & Patricia Kelley) who wrote the book Final Gifts. It's a wonderful book. Someone in this forum recommended it and I agree. Highly recommend it, too.

Lea,

My brother waited for his children and his grandchildren. It was the strangest thing. I swear he was at death’s door. The minute my niece and nephew and great nephews and great niece came in from out of town he perked up.

The hospice nurse heard him talking and laughing and she was so cute. She asked us if we were having a party in his room.

I told my niece and nephew that he was waiting for them. Shortly afterwards, he went into a coma. I am so glad that he got to see them before he died.

I agree Barb! So many times we hear about how a dying elder waits for a son/daughter to show up before they depart. My father, for instance, held on until he could witness his only grandson's wedding which took place in his ALF room in front of his hospital bed! He was semi comatose for days prior, opened his eyes about 10 min before the ceremony started, stayed awake for the entire thing and for about 10 minutes afterward, then closed his eyes and passed away shortly thereafter.

Elaine, I have a feeling she is waiting for your brother arrive. Know that we are all here with you. (((((((Hugs)))))))

I am so glad that your brother will join you. From what you have said, he is sweet and supportive.

How is your son holding up? I know he visited his grandmother. This must be hard on him too.

Elaine,

The hospice nurse told me that my brother could hear me when he was in a coma during his final hours. I believe her.

At first I was skeptical but she said that people have come out of comas and told them about everything they saw and heard.

So sorry Elaine.
There is something you can do now.
Be by her side to comfort her.
Take mini-breaks and leave the room for short periods of time.
Talk to her, to say goodbye Mom.
Be hopeful that you will see her again someday, according to hers and your beliefs.
Is there a hospital chaplain?

This is the hardest time. We share it.

Update- Thankfully if she needs to be moved to a facility with hospice, it won’t happen until Monday at the earliest.

If the doctor at the hospital feels she shouldn’t be moved, they won’t move her.

She is getting morphine every 4 hours and she is calm.

They have easy listening on so she can hear it through the tv.

my brothEr will be here in 15 minutes.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers and well wishes and hugs and support.

I appreciate every one of you so much!!
Thank you for everything and being here for me.
Hugs to you all.

Elaine, so sorry. They may be able to move her in hospital if they have a SNF unit available. You can but ask. If they move her to hospice she will have continual care now wherever she is. Please be easy on yourself and know your Mom is not now suffering and fearing having to move from her home. Our thoughts are with you.

Your mother is not in pain and has begun to transition, it sounds like. She's lived a long life on HER terms, which is more than most can say Elaine. God bless her and ease her passing with no struggle, no effort........just a seamless transition from here to the afterlife where she will be whole again & able to dance with her loved ones who have gone before her.

And remember, tears are God's holy water. They heal us as they flow.

Sending you a big bear hug and a prayer for peace during this difficult time. Know that we're all with you in spirit, my lovely friend.

I’m so sorry, Elaine. It’s a sad day.

So sorry, Elaine. Peace.

So so sorry Elaine ❤️. We are all there with you in spirit.

Elaine, big ((((((hugs)))))).

Your mom is not in pain, which is huge.

Can you play your mom some of her favorite music on your phone? That's what SIL and I did when mom became unresponsive. They tell us that people can hear even when they are in comas.

Love you, Barbara

I'm so sorry Elaine. Continued prayers for you, mom and your family.