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Barb makes a good point that she isn’t bed bound. There may come a day that will happen and it is better if I have her out of my home before that happens.

I don’t feel after all I have been through that I could emotionally or physically handle her if she becomes bed bound or wheelchair bound.

I have learned to rely on the professionals in her life of what she is capable of. I am having a hard enough time doing this for so long.

I do not mean in any way to put down anyone caring for someone who is bed bound or wheelchair bound in their home. My hat is off to you because it’s hard.

Nor do I blame anyone who can’t do it. It’s truly a personal choice. Financially it’s a big deal too! Not everyone can afford a private sitter 24/7 and a person has to be placed.
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cwille,

Okay, everything you said makes perfect sense but there are two things that jump out at me the most.

1) I am in this situation because I allowed it. It did become permanent.

2) If I got hit by a bus and was not around.

Now this one, hits me the most. Very important statement. She would survive, wouldn’t she? They would figure it out because I wouldn’t be around to do everything for them which goes back to point number one, that I allowed this. Maybe continuing to read these messages makes me realize that I am just as mad at myself as I am them. Could that be? Please give me your opinion of this.

I am not even caring for myself properly. My doctor told me I don’t care for myself like I do for my mom. I feed her three meals, plus snacks. She is like me, not a big eater but she eats some.

There are times I forget to eat. My husband and kids don’t understand how that happens. They ask me don’t I feel hunger pangs. Guess what? Hunger pangs go away when ignored. I get busy with mom or catching up with laundry, dishes, a few jewelry pieces I decided to do and later I realize I skipped meals.

Oh gosh, I have been stuck in a bad place. Whoever it was that called me ridiculous was right. Can’t remember, sorry. I need help. I need to really focus. It’s bad when people get trapped like this.

My therapist told me a long time ago that my mom had me ‘well trained.’ I suppose he was right.
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"I’m angry because she plays dirty by calling my brothers. I have no desire to be criticized by them. If they want to have a normal relationship with her with friendly visits, that’s fine. I just don’t want to be around. I don’t like feeling angry. That’s why I want her out. I will not apologize for being angry to them. It’s justified anger. "

So, she calls your brothers. So? SO?

Unless you change YOUR behavior, nothing in this situation will change.

Stop waiting on A and A. Tell your mom she needs to start paying for home care NOW. Right Now.

You need to get out, get a haircut, see your doctor and see your therapist.

If mom can't be left alone, then she needs to pay for care.

If she CAN be left alone, then just GO OUT.
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Need,

You can lie down for people to walk on you
And they will still complain
You are not flat enough.
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Need,

You can lie down for people to walk on you
And they will still complain
You are not flat enough.


Let that sink in.
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Need,

You can lie down for people to walk on
And they will still complain
You are not flat enough.


Let.
That.
Sink.
In.
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NHWM--

I don't know if I have ever weighed in on your situation. It IS hard to KNOW what to do and a whole different challenge to DO IT.

Your brothers are jerks. I have 2 brother and one has mother living with him and I can say that his care is pretty sub-par, but mother CHOSE this living situation 23 years ago and no matter how much she cries and fusses, she's not moving in with me or any other of the sibs. My other brother is a total "hands off' kind of guy. Sweet, but will do NOTHING that may be deemed confrontational. My 2 sisters--one is still working FT and has her own life. She is the golden girl and shows up once a quarter with a bag of Arby's and mother goes on about it like she'd gotten a visit from royalty. Older sister calls sometimes and really just stays away. She simply doesn't care, and I admire that ability! She'll throw money at anything but won't 'do'.

Mother does indeed play us against each other. It's subtle and annoying as all get out. I am currently in the doghouse--b/c-get this: I have cancer and cannot be around mother's filthy apartment--her feral birds are toxic to me, so I cannot go there. Brother told her that was a lie, so she is mad. In fact, YB's family has not reached out to me in any way shape or form since my dx 4 months ago. I did my 4/6 chemotherapy yesterday and I do get sick and feel rotten for about 10 days post chemo. Not a card, a call, nothing. Mother actually said to me, when I went to tell her about my cancer sx--"Oh well, daddy will be happy to see you" (Daddy has been gone 15 years) This is her takeaway. Not a tear, not a hug, not a "I'm so sorry" just "well, you had a good life". I was so shocked--even for my cold hearted mom that was COLD". I just left. Patted her on the shoulder and said "I'll tell dad hi for you".

12 weeks later she got someone to dial her phone for her and she called in frantic (fake) concern. I told her I was fine, I wasn't in the hospital and she didn't need to call all the hospitals in the valley to find me.

It's all fake and I am sick of it. She's 90 and I'd say it was dementia, but she cannot slip and slide in and out of that, using 'I'm just a poor little lady' to "I ma completely in control of my life". She cannot have it both ways.

Sounds like your mom is the same way.

OK--you have DH in your corner. Awesome. Plan a meeting with the idiot brothers and have DH there. Tell them you are retiring from FT CG and they need to deal. I liked the post that said "give them 2 weeks". I wouldn't lift a finger to find her alternate housing, but I would help you pack her stuff. COMPLETELY. After 2 weeks, drop her and suitcase off at one of the brother's homes and take a vacay, even if it's just a weekend away to a hotel and turn off the cell phone. You could go so far as to put her boxed things on the porch and let them figure out what's next.

This may cut you out of any inheritance--but I know the lousy $9,872 I stand to inherit from mother's estate if she ever dies, will NOT make me feel whole or even slightly 'better' about the neglect and downright abuse I have suffered from her crazy.

Good luck---you are really going to need to be tough. Super tough. But you can do this.
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Can anyone offer suggestions to help occupy mom’s worry wart mind? She used to play solitaire, not so much now. It’s the chronic worrying that gets to me.

Is there any way to convince her to do the local senior community center for lunch? If she can be mobile enough to do doctor appointments then why not there? She says no to being social at all which makes me trapped too.

I can tell you that she gets along very well with the COA caregiver that comes every other Friday for a four hour shift.

This woman is a dream come true. She doesn’t play on her phone. She changes mom’s sheets. She vacuums mom’s room, empties her trash can, bedside commode pot, bathes her, keeps mom company, makes her a sandwich or reheats leftovers. I don’t have to tell her anything. She is self motivated. I appreciate her so much. I want to show appreciation to her for Christmas. I guess cash or gift cards. Not sure what is best but this woman deserves to be recognized. She is a single mom. She is extremely reliable. She’s the best caregiver they have sent and I asked COA if we could have her regularly. They said we could. She is an angel.

She is the person I would like to hire if I could but she is through COA. I don’t know if I could pay for extra hours. They send her through a local agency.

She is wonderful with mom. Mom engages with her. She gets mom to talk. Mom loves hearing about her daughter. They have a great relationship. I like seeing mom being social with someone other than me. I feel that is important for her.
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Your mom needs meds for her anxiety and depression.

Her brain is broken. She clearly has not yet seen the right geriatric specialist who would recognize this and prescribe appropriately.

Geriatric psychiatry or even regular psychiatry is where you want to go.

I understand that your mom may say "no, I won't see someone like that".

In which case you are TOTALLY justified in saying, "well, Mom, then, I simply can't do this anymore".
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Barb,

You’re right. I know it. Why is it still hard? Something must be wrong with me. It must be true when my therapist told me that my mother had me well trained. Is it? Can something become that habitual that we are on total autopilot and can no longer see it? Kind of scary.

I think if I were younger before being a caregiver and on the outside viewing myself I would be shocked to see what has happened. This is insane to live like this.

You know what? I have a birthday next month. Time to give myself a birthday gift.
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MidKid,

Wow! Your mom does sound like mom. She also sounds like my husband’s grandma who said my sweet MIL was faking her lymphoma to others. She was awful to her only daughter, her only child.

My MIL was such a dear woman. She didn’t deserve that treatment from her mom. Her mom hated not being the center of attention and was selfish. MidKid, you don’t deserve that treatment from your mom either. Why do they feel they can say such things or do such things?

You handle your mom better than I do mine. Maybe I am doing poorly because I live with her. I am burning out.

You’re smart and you know that she can’t be your priority. Your health is your priority. I am still burning candles before mass for you. I won’t stop until I am able to burn the last one in thanksgiving for your healing.
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Barb,

She does have horrible anxiety! You’re right about that. She thinks meds are bad. Well, it’s trial and error to find the right meds.

Doing nothing, makes me crazy! If she wasn’t anxious about everything I could relax.
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Well, thanks for all of your help. Good food for thought. I have to make mom’s lunch. When the caregiver comes I am leaving. May just be four hours but it’s four hours of peace! 3 - 7 are heavenly! She doesn’t ever want me to leave which is crazy to me. She is afraid if I am not here if she falls. I told her that the caregiver will call 911 if she falls.
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"You’re right. I know it. Why is it still hard? Something must be wrong with me. It must be true when my therapist told me that my mother had me well trained. Is it? Can something become that habitual that we are on total autopilot and can no longer see it? Kind of scary. "

NHWM, your mother has installed the "Fear,Obligation and Guilt " buttons and knows when and how to push them.

My grandma used to say to my mom, "my how you've changed since you married that Eyetalian".

My mom taught me how to ignore that BS..
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Oh God,

PLEASE HELP ME! My brothers just took my mom. I told her to get out. I couldn’t take anymore. I’m trying to type. I hope I make sense. Shaking pretty badly.

My brother, retired captain almost had me arrested just now in my own home for elder abuse! He is filing a report on me. He’s had me on surveillance and going to get home health nurses to testify against me saying that I speak for mom instead of letting her talk.

It’s horrible! He says I am crazy. Cursed me out while mom watching. Other brother joined in. He says he is going to say I need to be in a mental institution. I’m scared!

My mom is letting him file elder abuse report.

I wish someone could call me on my phone but I know y’all don’t want me to put my phone number on this site. I don’t know what to feel.

They threatened me. My brothers will put her in a home I guess. I will never see her again. I’m so hurt. Why? Because I stood up to her. They say it’s abuse.

It hasn’t sunk in. I’m in shock. Please, please help me.
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Stop. Breath.

Your mother has a history of sharing half truths and playing you off against each other, no doubt she has been whining and exaggerating all her woes to your brothers. Since they aren't really involved in her life they have probably swallowed the whole lot - I don't doubt it was ugly. You have NOTHING to fear from an investigation because you have done nothing wrong - bring it on!

(PS She's out of your house and no longer your responsibility, this may not be how you wanted it to play out but it IS what you wanted. It's a good thing)
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Retired captain of what? Almost had you arrested?

They are playing you, honey.

Breathe.

You are free of mom.

Call the therapist. Call your doctor.

You and hubby go out to dinner. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to fear.

Your brothers are nut cases.
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Amen! Just stop & breathe!

She’s gone. They are playing you. All 3.

Stay calm- go out as planned and stay busy.

Relax. Nothing to worry about.
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NHWM, Barb and CW have given you good advice. Reasonable professionals are not going to buy into your brothers lies. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your brothers have your Mom. You’re free of that. Let them deal with her. Look at what you’ve gained. This may not be exactly the way you wanted things to turn out, but you can now have some peace in your own home.
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Hugs, NHWM, it's gonna be okay. I think maybe this is an answer to your prayers, perhaps not in the way you would have expected, but nevertheless, you are FREE from the drama, finally! God does work in mysterious ways. You deserve to be able to enjoy your life and spend time with your hubby and kids, not being abused by your mom and brothers.

About any abuse report they want to file, you don't have anything to worry about because you didn't do anything wrong. It's just a bunch of mouthing off and threats from them because they are mad at you for standing up for yourself. Their problem, not yours.

Now...take a deep breath, and when you're up to it, you should get out and go do something nice for yourself and maybe you and hubby have a date night. And...celebrate!! Lol
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So, brothers came and got mom.

They threatened you? In an actionable way? Consult your lawyer about that.

Mom is now presumably staying with one of them. (THAT will be interesting. Gotta see how long that lasts).

You have done nothing wrong. If you "spoke for mom" how is that elder abuse? That is so NOT going to hold up anywhere, anytime.

They are feeding you a crock of $hit. And unfortunately, you are buying it. Getting upset is what they and mom thrive on. Google Grey Rock. Practise that.

Mom will be thrilled and happy in Assisted Living and this will all be water under the bridge. Or she'll rub your nose in it. Does it really matter?
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Barb, please read private message
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There is no shame in getting burned out as a caregiver. It happens to the best of us. It does not mean that you are crazy. (If that is what has happened to you, burn out).
It is more likely that it was intolerable having Mom and your bully brothers mistreat you, as you have described.

I agree with Becky, and the good advice of Barb and CW.

Do call your therapist, getting an emergency appointment if needed.
Of course you are upset, that is understandable. But this does not have to undo
You. Try to take 3 deep breaths, this is not the end of everything.

Your thinking, while this upset, cannot be trusted as totally reliable. For example, when you say: " I will never see her again". To explain....these thoughts are not unusual. We learn in cognitive therapy that is called "All or nothing thinking".
Try to avoid that. Understand, that right now, no matter what your brothers have said, or how your Mom feels, that you may see her again. You just don't know for right now. And for you to recover your stability after this upsetting incident, not knowing has to be okay with you. Sit with not knowing, try to calm yourself.

I know you can do this. So sorry that the goal of getting Mom to move out had to end in anger and a dispute with drama. The goal has been met, not what "they" wanted, obviously, but Mom has left. Carefully pack up her things, and forward them timely. When this happened to a relative, each move his belongings were left behind with each sibling, until he finally made it to a safer place in a nice AL.
Your Mom will make it also, it just takes time. She will likely not get the good care you gave to her. But she will manage. You know why she will have to move again? Because no one will tolerate how she treats you or others....Imo.

So, do what you need to do today, to take care of yourself. Maybe shower. Take some medication if that has been prescribed. Give yourself some time to calm down.

You deserve a break today!
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Oh {{{hugs}}} to you Needhelp. Slow down, take a deep breath, drink a cup of tea. Or go walk around the block. Settle your nerves.
I know how you feel. I went through a very similar experience with my father. He would call my brother/cousins and complain I was mistreating him and abusing him. They eventually reported me to APS. I had a full investigation done.
My father's "abuse" was simply my drawing boundaries (no smoking in the house!), but any request was considered abuse to him. APS found nothing wrong, no abuse and the case was closed.
Does your mother have dementia? It turned out my father likely was showing early dementia signs, he really has no recollection of all those phone calls he made.
I'm not sure you shouldn't be the one calling APS. If you feel your brothers may not be providing the care your mother needs you have every right to have APS assess the situation. But please don't worry about your getting in some kind of trouble. Let APS investigate , you have nothing to hide.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard isn't it?
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It will be okay.
It is good that you told someone that you were this upset.

If it helps, I hate your brothers for how they handled this.

Recalling how no good deed goes unpunished.

Come back tonight or tomorrow, when you have regained your composure, keep talking it out, that will help you I think.
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"My fear, I am so upset about a lifetime of crap that I would stay angry and she will die and I will regret being mad."
I feel the same. I have a lot of build up resentment towards my parents for the way they've treated me. Plus the adoration of my good for nothing brother. But the past few months, as they've declined, I've come to terms with it. It does't mean I won't spend the rest of my life in therapy, but I've reconciled they are damaged people themselves and probably just did the best they could over the years. We are all products of our circumstances. After the dust settles I hope you can visit your mother and have at least a cordial relationship with her and your brothers. And once she's gone, you don't have to deal with them any longer.
But right now you are too (rightfully) upset. Give yourself time to reconcile your feelings and take the time for yourself. You can dive back in when ready.
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NHWM just sent me a PM; she is concerned that we will be upset that she's not responding to us. Her husband has contacted a lawyer.

NHWM, if you see this, please know that you don't need to be concerned about US!!!!!! Be concerned about YOU!!!!!!

((((hugs))))))))
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It is okay to be angry NHWM.
It is okay to express anger.

Do not be concerned about us, your caregiver friends.
You know by now that we can carry the conversation a long time without hearing from you, because many of us have been through what you are going through, and come out the other end better than before!

You will take care of yourself, as evidenced by the fact you have reached out.
Good on you!
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What Send just said!!!

It's okay to be angry at your dysfunctional family!!!!!!!
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Hi I've been reading through your responses, and you said that your mom pits siblings against each other, and there is an "adored brother". This sounds like a narcissistic family pattern with you in the worst position as family servant and scapegoat. Do you recognise the narcissistic family pattern in your family such as a golden child and scapegoated child dynamic? Have you been in the servant role your entire life and treated like a nobody and manipulated to feel bad if you don't cater to your mom's needs? Do you have to drop your life and do what they want? Do you feel guilty all the time that you're not doing enough? Do you feel you can never please your mother? Do your brothers never acknowledge that you are being used? Are you not allowed to have any needs? Is your family in "your head" most of your waking life? If this all sounds familiar, my suggestion to you is to research narcisistic family patterns as much as you can so that you can break free from the toxic enmeshed family dynamic and free yourself. You never deserved to be treated like this, ever!
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