Okay, I am afraid. I don’t recognize myself. I’m lost. I’m depressed. I’m angry and resentful. I don’t want to be like this.
I set boundaries and the claws come out. I’m tired, very tired. I have to deal with payback from my mother for setting boundaries.
Last night I hear her call my younger brother. Today she calls my older brother, all to trash me! Sickening!
She knows they will take her side and then it’s three against one. I can’t win! She stirs the pot! Doesn’t fight fair.
Involves them in my business that doesn’t concern them. I told her she needs to think about what she did and should feel bad about it and she says, “They are family and I want to speak to them.” Yeah, right! That’s fine but I don’t speak to them about her and she shouldn’t speak to them about me!
They do nothing while I wipe her a**, bathe her from head to toe, change soiled sheets, cook and clean, empty bedside commode, etc. I take her to doctor appointments. I do everything! They get respect and I don’t! I must be the biggest idiot on the face of the earth!
Boundary setting doesn’t work all the time! She has a mean streak when she wants to show it. I sacrifice so much for her and this is how she repays me.
Just need to vent. I think I am losing it. I really do. I can’t have a logical conversation with her anymore. She wants to blame me for everything! I need a break so badly.
This is what scares me. I want her out of my house. I wish she had never moved in. It added an enormous amount of stress in our lives.
If I find a place for her to live I don’t know if I could even visit right now because I am so upset. What the hell is happening to me? I am my mother’s biggest advocate. Why am I feeling this way? I don’t know what to think about her or myself. Too much togetherness for way too long. It just isn’t healthy. I’m so empty that I can’t even cry. Is that bad?
Also, is it bad not to eat? So hard to eat. I get nauseous if I try so why bother, right? I cook for my husband and mom. I get sick to my stomach just smelling the food. Is that normal? I drink coffee and diluted juice, water with a splash of juice. My clothes are baggy. Who cares...Where do I go? My house is a prison. What does it matter if I lose weight and have baggy clothes?
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This is why the OP should have the ability to lock their own thread.
And 6 months is way too long.
I understand but it’s dated now and while useful in some areas it no longer applies to my life anymore. Just makes me sad 😞. Not exactly a happy ending but an ending, nevertheless.
Strange how some threads that could go on, don’t and other threads are resurrected!
THIS IS AN OLD THREAD! PLEASE REMOVE.
I would rather it didn’t stay up because it’s a bad trigger for me.
I think I felt completely hopeless and I stopped therapy for awhile. My depression was awful. I think I zoned out in order to survive.
Therapy is very useful but it’s hard. It drains me.
You have come a very long way. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.
I am amazed at how you pulled away from your mom. I remember when you first started posting. It is a process. Anyone who thinks things happen overnight is crazy! It takes time.
I have to say I am amazed by your mom as well. She is a tough cookie in many ways. She won’t give in! She won’t give up! Hahaha
She has kept you on your toes and I don’t know how you haven’t cracked up. There were days that I felt like to I was going to completely lose it with my mom.
That seems like eons ago!
Having this title to turn to will help others who are having similar feelings now.
This must be one that escaped the 90 days with no comments and they close the thread?
Still, like a lifetime ago, and you have come a long way since then!
Actually, a therapist can help you the most when you contact them with your feelings flaming. Please don't wait until you feel better for that could take a while. Go ahead, and make contact soon.
You are both wise.
I feel so crappy today. I have not been sick with a cold in years! I woke up with a headache. It feels like it’s more than my allergies. I hope I can find the energy to deal with mom. My husband ran an errand and I am alone. I hope mom falls asleep in her recliner so I can nap in a bit. When hubby gets home I will ask him to make me some hot tea with honey because my throat feels scratchy.
Yoda,
I see where you responded with me about calling my therapist, not cmagnum. Don’t mind me, I get tired and misread it, thinking it was another poster. I should get in touch with my therapist again soon. I feel awful so I will wait until I feel better. This is so weird. I swear I have not had a cold in years. Grrrrrr.
Sounds like you have a goal that is much larger than your situation that can help fuel your progress.
I've decided to change my name to No Try Do Yoda. That is something from Star Wars that Yoda said, No Try, Do.
Take care of yourself and you continue to walk toward your goal in dealing with this situation.
I so feel your pain. It amazes me how much you and I are alike. I was once accomplish and confident, but over the years I have lost myself. It is scary when you look in the mirror and don't recognize yourself anymore. Its as if time stole pieces of you little by little and by the time you figured it out--your gone! And like you, I felt and still do that I have let my partner of 17 yrs down. When he met me I was working with goals and full of confidence. And very out going...now not so much!
One day,I just couldn't stop crying and when he asked what was wrong I told him that I felt that I let him down and this isn't what he signed up for. You know what he said, "I love you no matter what and life happens. You may never be that woman again, but be transformed into someone better, but no matter what happens he is in it for the long haul. Ride & die together!" I felt better insteadly! Maybe try to talk to your hubby how you feel. Let him help you!
And go back to therapy it does help. I go every two weeks now. Sometimes we just can't see ourselves or our situation clearly and we need someone to guide us out of the black hole that we find ourselves in. I can always help others, but can't seem to do it for myself. Its funny how that works! As my dear dad would say, "this to shall pass, you just need to tie a knot in your rope and hold on." You have a lot of people here who care about you and believe it or not the world would not be the same without you.
Hugs!!!💗
Thanks for the encouragement. You are kind.
You know, I sometimes think back to when I first met my husband. He was very handsome! He still is. He’s Italian and had gorgeous black hair and dark eyes.
He was an engineering student at Tulane University. He was a bartender at one of our local bars while in school.
The first thing I noticed about him was his confidence. I found that so attractive. He was confident but not arrogant.
I ordered a drink and he asked me out for the next weekend. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I had ended a relationship with someone previously because I wasn’t ready for a commitment.
I was enjoying my time being unattached. I casually dated but hadn’t been seriously involved with anyone for about a year or so.
We dated. I didn’t expect to fall in love so quickly. He taught me to believe in myself. Now I look at myself and wonder what happened to that young woman who gained confidence, went on to fulfill dreams and had this incredible man by her side.
I feel like I have disappointed him and myself. It hurts. My husband brought out the best in me and now I hardly recognize myself. These things happen gradually. How did it get this far though?
My husband has looked at me before and said that he wants the woman he married back in his life. You know what? I don’t blame him. I want to be that woman too.
I knew why I fell in love with him. I wasn’t sure why he fell in love with me. I was carefree. He was serious. I was easily distracted. He was focused. I was comfortable being in a large group of people. He was quiet and only hung out with a couple of people. I suppose in our case, opposites did attract.
After over forty years of marriage I still anticipate seeing him walk through the door after work each day.
I worry that he will tire of coming home to a wife and mother in law. He has been supportive but does not like the changes he has seen in me.
Yes you can and I hope you will. I think you said it was his cell phone number? It may be too late tonight, but you could call him tomorrow since he did give you such an open invitation to call when you needed help that I would imagine that he would not mind a call on Labor Day Monday. I wish you the best! Please keep coming back.
I have his number because he asked for my phone and put his phone number in himself.
It’s been awhile since our last appointment. He was patient with me. At first I had trouble describing my feelings. He helped me focus. He taught me breathing exercises. I had trouble processing what he was saying at that time though. He is near my age, slightly older, so I felt he understood my personality.
I guess I could call. Maybe I should. He was kind. I hope I could do better this time around.
We went to my favorite coffee house. I got a coffee and even treated myself to a brownie. We sat outside. I really enjoyed that. I get so sick of feeling trapped inside. There is only so much cleaning that can be done, cooking, etc. I guess I use cleaning to take my mind off of things. I can’t watch tv all day. I do read. But I need some physical activity because I used to be extremely active. I was never used to sitting still. That is something I never really adjusted to and it threw me into depression.
I told my daughters I wanted to go for a walk. We did and it was so nice. Just seeing other people out and about. Seeing people walking their dogs, normal life, the life I once had, even looking in store windows, hearing conversations and laughter, I needed that.
If you somehow still have his number call him. I've had people work with me like that. Please don't lock zone out for you are so close to the goal. .
I haven’t gone back to my therapist. I appreciated his help. I did stay in therapy for a few months. I couldn’t get a handle my anxiety or depression at that time. I didn’t have a handle on the guilt that I was feeling concerning mom. I know my therapist was puzzled by my reactions. He felt I was shortchanging myself. my husband and daughters.
He explained to me that I had to accept that my personality and outlook was very different from my mom and felt it was in my best interest for us to separate. I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that and I left therapy.
I was surprised when he told me that he felt that I wasn’t ready to stop therapy and he gave me his personal cell number to call him at any time I felt I needed help. I didn’t call. I didn’t expect that. I thought it would be a clean break and I never expected him to take that personal of an interest. It took me aback when he made a comment of being concerned that I was headed for trouble. I suppose he was right. He was after all on the outside looking in with objective eyes.
I don’t know. Maybe growing up with a perfectionist mother made it harder for me to accept what I perceive as criticism when it is only someone offering viable solutions to my situation.
I tend to zone out if things get too hard or maybe it could be called giving up. Deep down though I do want change. I am crippled by my fear. I realize that. Frustrated by not being in control. Last week I screamed at mom telling her not to treat me like a child, that I am almost 64 years old and then a second later feeling awful and full of guilt for screaming at an old woman who is my mother. It’s horrible to have conflicting feelings about my mom because in spite of it all I do love her.
Plus she always comes back with she would never have spoken to her mom like I do with her. She got mad when I said grandma didn’t treat her like she does me. Grandma was different. I was very close to my grandma. She believed women should be treated equally to men. I used to love when she played early jazz music and tell me about the ‘roaring 20’s’, women voting, hair bobbed and hemlines shortened. My grandma was adorable! She was loving but wasn’t a pushover by any means.
I guess I couldn’t accept when my therapist asked me to face the fact that my mom was a burden. I couldn’t do it then. I do know he was right. She has been a burden. I am sacrificing my life for her. That is too big of a price to pay. That is unhealthy caregiving.
You need someone with you in real time who can coach you when she pulls her "stuff".
You are a worthy human being. Not an unpaid servant.
Certain things can’t be prepaid for her burial. We have a family plot. There is a couple of thousand dollar fee to open the gravesite for burial. I called the cemetery and they do not allow prepayment for that service.
Mom never wanted cremation. Daddy had the big wake at the funeral home, mass said, escort in limousine to cemetery, all that stuff. I thought mom wanted the same. Maybe she does but decided to be cremated for less money and so forth. Not sure if that can be prepaid or not, not with a crematorium that serves us. I checked but maybe it can be prepaid with a funeral home. I’ll have to look into it.
I have been focusing on getting the vets aid and assistance finished. That is taking awhile because of us not having records because of losing everything In Katrina. I feel like everything is going in slow motion at times. It will get done. Not as fast as I would like but I am getting there.
I know that would relieve me of a good bit of my frustration, depression and anxiety.
It isn’t free for us to live. We have always paid our own way. Mom never worked. Daddy always provided for her and I think she expected us to pick up where he left off. It has made a difference in our lives emotionally and financially.
Changes are in order and quite frankly are overdue.
You "suggested"?
I suggest that you present your mother a bill for rent and caregiving services, starting today, September 1, 2019. Figure out what her share of the rent, utilities, etc., are, for your home. Figure out minimum wage, at least, for the hours that you need to be available to her (meaning that you can no longer work, volunteer or otherwise engage in activities that you LIKE to do).
Your mother should be afforded the dignity of paying her own way. She doesn't want to depend upon your charity, does she?
If she doesn't "prefer" to pay for her room, board and care, then she needs to move in with your brother or go to AL, doesn't she?
This is not you "suggesting". This is your demand.
Tell her that slavery was abolished in 1863. I'm not kidding.
Being infuriated by the misogyny of your mother is not good for your mental or physical health. The fact that she doesn't think that women count is her problem, not yours.
I hope things get better for you. Sadly, I am not alone. Too many of us in this mess with our parents. It has left me depressed and full of anxiety. Working on getting out of this mess. Going slowly though. Grrrr.
Thanks for encouraging me to eat. I eat enough to survive I guess, just not a lot. Sometimes I don’t eat because I feel like I will throw up. Nerves, I hate it.
I want to be able to relax and enjoy life one day. It’s been too long!