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I just got this email response from my brother today. You would think he PLAYED football but nope, just a spectator...

"Due to the start of football season, we are unable to cover Sat./ Sun. 9-11or 9-12 or Sat/Sun 9-l8 or 9-l9"

I use the couple of hours off to go buy groceries! I had to laugh or I would be crying. What stupid excuses have you gotten?

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Wow, here I was thinking only I had the most selfish, inconsiderate siblings who are all "too busy" "too broke" or "too whatEVER" to help. I wish I could say it makes me feel better that I'm not alone, but I actually feel even more disheartened that so many of us face these same issues. All I have to do to make sure none of my sibs speak to me is ask them directly for help with mom. I've had dead silence from one for 2 years and another for 2 months. God bless all of you who do what needs to be done and may you have the strength to deal with the stress that is ever present when you have to go it alone.
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My parents were great at making us all feel special. I f they had a favorite, they wouldn't ever show it. I think they were both ignored and used as
children. But mom still is on her best behavior if one of them visits. I get all the crap because I am with her all the time. They get all the good that she has left. Just the nature of the beast!
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My sister calls mom every other Sunday night, talks at least an hour. The conversation is 95% about sis' life/job/grandkid. I was there one Sunday night to witness this. Mom got off the phone all smiling and beaming but she knew better than to give details because of how I feel about sis not helping out. Then mom looks at me and said it's time for my bedtime snack, go make me a peanut butter sandwich and throw the trash out while you're out it. sigh!
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Yeah, I'm not sure which is worse - them giving a dumb excuse or just not communicating at all so they don't have to use the energy to come up with an excuse. But I get the same thing with my dad - I'm here day after day but if my brother drops by or my sister calls, it's like God himself paid him a visit. Wow - so good of them to spare a few of their precious minutes is what I would like to say. He gets such a smile on his face - it just breaks my heart. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella but no fairy godmother yet. I'll keep looking for those glass slippers.
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I think we should use JulieQ's term: "Selfish Turds" seems to reflect what many here are surrounded by or Not surrounded by, really. As for dumbest excuses, I wonder if maybe some don't offer any at all, they just figure she has got it, glad it is not me and remove themselves form all obligation and awareness of the care-giving issues?
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This stuff is un-real I swear. If only it wasn't real. I am watching another generation doing the exact same things. Some are intelligent well educated people as Crowe says and some are not but there are all re-creating family systems they either were not aware of, or desperately tried to avoid. X brother has four kids in a blended family and the child he and second wife had four years ago is The Golden Child, they talk about this kid like he is an angel on earth, the other kids are the screw up, the needy one with Asbergers Syndrome and the oldest girl who is almost a non-entity. I have friend who openly prefers her son to her girls and one girl she didn't like even when she was just born! You could hear it, it is so strange and pathetic and SAD. Wonder what this will be like when we are 80? Just the same...just the same...
I wonder, is anyone here doing care giving the favorite child? Or does it not work that way? My mom loves her son far more than me and if he so much as sends her an Email she gets excited like a lover has called , it is sick. Where as I am just here, a thousand kind of disappointments....
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How about this! When Mom was in the NH for rehab last year, one of my brothers and his wife visited her twice in 4 weeks. They got to know her room mate who's brother lived across the street from us when we were kids. Next thing we know, my brother and his wife had been her savior. She gave up her home to move in with her son in Penn, and my brother took all of her furniture, including a new expensive mattress. They couldn't visit Mom after the first 2 weeks, but cleaned this lady out. I was never so embarrassed in my life!
I have 6 siblings all of who live nearby with the exception of my oldest sister. She comes for 3 weeks in the summer to help me out, and spends lots of $ to help Mom out. She bought me an infrared camera for her bedroom this year, and now I can watch Mom at night, on my laptop. She spends more time with Mom in those 3 weeks, than the rest who live close.
When I finally decided to give up on getting any help from them, I had a whole lot less stress. They are not worth the time I was putting into getting angry with them.
And 3 of us have already decided that when Mom passes, we are not having any services. So if any of the others plan on putting on a show, they can forget it, just like Mom has forgotten who they are! I'm done trying to get them involved. They'll have to live with their guilt when she is gone! It is a hard lesson for all of us to learn, but once we do, it brings some peace.
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And as much as it hurts us, imagine how it must hurt our parents to realize that some of their own kids don't have time for them. That's just as hard to watch as it is to do it all on your own. I can't imagine how my dad must feel when my brother doesn't stop by or call for months. My sister now sees him usually once a week, only because I kept asking her to get him dinner one night on the weekend so I could have dinner with the b/f. Otherwise, he doesn't see or hear from her either. And she never calls to confirm dinner until that day so I'm never sure she'll even follow through. It's not unusual for her to go out of town and not let me know she'll be gone. My aunt, my dad's sister, understands my struggle. She cared for her MIL for several years and finally had to put her in a home. She was something like 95 at that time and lived for another year and a half. By that time, she didn't know where she was or who anybody was so my aunt felt ok with the decision. My aunt now would come anytime I ask but she's in her 70's and certainly deserves to not be providing care to her brother, especially when he has 3 perfectly healthy kids that should ALL be stepping up to the plate. OK, sorry, guess I'm still bitter. I'll stop complaining.
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Your right, Kuli .. & my spelling is embarrassing.
My brothers are kind hearted - but don't have a clue..... Think they do.
Not one of them has helped with Dad's care.

Realy hurts
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Who says they are either "well meaning" or naive? Then again, I wouldn't want to be so selfish and self absorbed. Think of how much you would miss out on! Like this site and meeting all of the kindred souls here .......
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I hear yo there about mental health. Dealoing with my sibling is more bother than its worth! How can such "well meaning" people be so naive?
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I don't know if our brothers are in denial or just selfish turds (polite word :)?

My mother was recently hospitalized with pancreatitis and a UTI and my brother and her sister never called to see how she was! I was always calling them thinking they actually wanted to know. Finally, I gave up and said "why am I doing this?" They should be calling ME!

These are the same people who will show up once the person passes on and put on a big display. When my mom dies, I want to put her obit in the paper AFTER the service so these toads can't show up! It's a bit of "revenge" for not showing up while she was alive. My brother's two adult children flew into town and couldn't be bothered to stop by for a few minutes to visit. Their grandmother is 92! I send them all emails that her birthday is coming and she would like a card or to send her a card for Valentine's Day. It's like pulling teeth.

My brother and his wife did come over today. Then my brother proceeded to get into a huge fight with me! We are on different political sides and he uses that to push my buttons. Like the Hospice social worker said - having an elderly parent doens't improve family dynamics!

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that once mom is gone, I will not have to speak to them ever again...for my own MENTAL HEALTH!
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Hey there at least you received a response. I have two brothers, and neither has stepped up to the plate. In fact my oldest brother hasn't even visited mom since she had her legs amputated....can you say 3 years. Get this he lives about 40 minutes away. Thank God for my son and grandson...without their support I would be lost for sure.
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The wealthy, image absorbed brother calls me a martyr. Jerk. Labeled Mom as one too - despite the fact we were always there for his kids when his marriage broke apart. For years he'd ship the girls up here when he & his ex couldn't deal with the inconvenince of caring for their kids.

My friends call me responsible.

Dad doesn't like much contact with any of them. He knows he can always depend on me. They have disappointed us so many times ... very sad.
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The "Golden Child" in my case is my older brother and my younger sister. I was always the "responsible" one. Sometimes I think my brother and sister resented that fact and may still. I'd rather be responsible than selfish though.
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Thanks Pirate for sharing that bit of info. All I can say is my mom did a horrible job in grooming my sister to be the Golden Child. When her husband got assigned to the west coast, she intentionally stayed there when she could've moved across country where we live, because she didn't want to be saddled with our parents when the time came. So now mom has thrown me to the curb and the Golden Child still only comes to visit her every 3-4 yrs. I'm thinking mom's plan backfired.
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Always and Kuli...when I was reading up on NPD (Narcissitic Personality Disorder) last year I ready many accounts from folks whose famlies did the same thing...groom certain children sometimes it was the oldest sometimes it was the youngest to be the 'GOLDEN CHILD' and the other(s) were left to be just as servitude. So don't feel alone there is this kind of phenomena with folks who have personality issues.
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daylilly is correct, Definitely look elsewhere for help when you know that someone can't be relied upon. Some family member for what ever reasons re just not gonna step up to the plate so to speak, acknowledge it, mourn it and move on for your own sake eh?...
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I didn't say to physically make him do it. If he chooses not to come through, there are options other than doing it ones self. Look into home care for a couple hours a week, contact the church for help, contact the local area on aging for help and so on. There is no reason that one must be taken advantaged of in these situations. Who has the financial power of attorney? Many questions need to asked. Is living at home still appropriate for their parent? If so - get a free consultation. Every non-medical home care agency & nursing agencyoffers them. Get an assessment from them, forward to brother. These situations do not need to resort to only one helping if another will not.
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It is a good idea but you can't physically make people do things. Give him the low down but don't expect he will come through you could be left hanging and the welfare of the older person shouldn't be troubled by some doofie behavior on his part...
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Call a family meeting. Tell them (brother) you can no longer continue to assume his obligations, and then don't. Don't give in. He knows he can get away with it, he has in the past and there's no reason he won't continue in the future if you let him.
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I know. But don't blame yourself. Society has gotten really lazy and permissive and incredibly narcissistic. I am a Democrat, but even I think people have become crass, un-thinking and self-centered in the extreme. Many people have become too prone to violence and anger over slights, this sense of entitlement has become an absolute disorder. The generation just under me,Gen Y 18 to 30 year olds, I think believes that they will all have a reality show one day if they are just stupid enough, selfish enough, make bad enough choices, act like total morons or injure themselves in really entertaining ways...and unfortunately from what I have seen of TV these last 10 years or so they may be right...
Everything is so base and tacky, we glorify things that are obscene and deride what is sincere and hopeful.

I know enough about the mistakes of the past to know going back is not the answer, but such a self-serving, valueless society is a danger to itself.

And it isn't off topic either. When people are convinced by society in coddling their own lesser interests, and believe that 'taking what they want with no thought for others' is a good game plan in life...well you get morons like the posters brother who will 'work out a care giving schedule based on the football season'. ie. "I will look after you,(help you) when it is convenient for me." Tragedy that he ever have to put himself out to do a useful or kind thing for another person, family or not. Maybe it is fear of death or witnessing the end of the aging process we are all going through, but denial is a poor excuse to opt out of giving a hand now and then.
Please don't read me wrong, I am a Liberal and want no absolutes or "You have To's" on this, but people need to step back and look at their lives and think if maybe they could DO a little better themselves, not FOR themselves, but for others, someone in need. You don't have to turn your life over to care giving but just a bit of help now and then, would that be so hard? Why? You can't sit with an older relative for two hours or get some groceries to help out a care giver, or maybe pay attention to the discussion of medical care and possible emergencies...and not just the discussion that starts when so and so is gone the bank account....I smell greed and selfishness under all this. I have to admit I am not immune to it personally. Some times I resent that my four cousins and sib will inherit the exact same % of life insurance as I when my grandfather dies, and they have not lifted a finger, while I have been here 24/7 for years doing every task imaginable for his care. The most I can say, is one cousin on the Other Coast sends him a card every four months to let him know what she is up to. What can they do, they have lives, marriage, child, college, I know, people are busy...

I think, ."People choose what busies them."
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J, and unfortunately, my generation made them that way.
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Now, they treat you like you should be privileged to be in their proximity. Self-entitlement of my generation is galling, be afraid be very afraid...
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I really under stand .. so I think.
So many of us have similar sh*t happening, yet every situatation is different.
The common thread is: We didn't sign up for this! There isn't a handbook! I don't think any of us were given a choice.

Sunday my windshield wipers wiped out. Rotted. I drove to the auto parts store to buy new ones.
The handsome guy yakking into his Bluetoothe behind the counter told the kid sweeping the floor to find what I needed.

I wasn't familiar with replacing wiper blades & told them
Arrogant AH said "They come with instructions"

I replied: "So did I, but it doesn't help!".
Broke the tension ...
the arrogant ass hole laughed.
Sweeper kid replaced the wipers & got a nice tip.

What has happened to courtesy?
I remember driving to the gas pump & having a service guy check the oil & fluids, air pressure in the tires, even clean the wind shield!
Those were the good old days!
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Good to plan ahead. That she wants to be there is good too, but you know you don't want her to have to take on everything. At least you can discuss it before it some down to the wire.
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J- I have discussed this with my daughter and b/f. My daughter is an only child so the burden would fall to her completely. While I know she would step up to care for me if needed, I plan to make sure that she also doesn't end up in the situation I am in. Especially because she is an only child.

RIP - yes, he does need to be away from me. He has become so dependent on me and has periods of confusion when I am gone because his routine is different. And once he gets over his anger ( or forgets, I'm not sure which), he tells me frequently how much he appreciates what I do for him and what would he do without me. Then the guilt kicks in for my frustration with him. It's so complicated and so exhausting. But he actually went to bed early so I'm hoping to catch an extra hour of sleep tonite.

Thanks for the support, the understanding, for being there!!! You'll never know how much I appreciate the kind words.
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Your routine sucks.
How do you retain an ounce of sanity?
Tantrums???
Nonsense!
He needs to be away from you.

If he treated you with respect, like my father does, that would be a different scenario. As difficult is is is having Dad & I living together in isoslation, we get along. Lots of respect

What are you going to do? You can't live like this ...
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I am not sure about generational issues. Some of it will be family and with fore thought you can have some control over how you will wish your care should needs arise. My mom is 62 AND insists she will go to retirement, assisted living, nursing as needed, she doesn't want to be a burden after what we have seen these last few years...

The only guarantee is it will be a huge issue in the next ten years, aging baby Boomers and us I am 39, gen X and the fact medicine extends life but not necessarily improves it the needs for nursing care will increase almost exponentially.

No one really wants to think they will need demise and end of life care but unless one dies young or suddenly it is a given for most of us. I say set up a plan as soon as one can really. We know a great deal more about aging and needs now and do learn as time goes by and you are right..It is what it is. Wearing!
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On top of how he is with me when I get away for a few days, he is worse with the ones who stay with him, either my daughter or his sister. He tells anyone who will listen that my daughter does nothing for him while the whole time she is doing all or most of what I do, including cleaning his urine bags. He's like a spoiled child who is throwing a tantrum. But never does he have a bad word for my sister, her kids or my brother. Guess he doesn't realize that if they were the ones taking responsibility for his care, he would have been in a nursing home long ago. I try not to let it make me angry anymore and just accept that it is what it is and I know that once he's gone, I'm done with them. But after getting up at 5am to get him ready for the day and get to work by 8, work all day, get home around 6, work to make dinner and take care of his stuff until I finally get to bed at 10 or so only to repeat the process the next day, it gets really hard not to bear a grudge. Not that I'm telling you guys anything you don't already know. Good thing there's some of us around and I only hope we have passed that compassion on to someone in the next generation or we're really screwed!
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