My 91 yr old mom recently was admitted to a dementia facility after a week long stay in a hospital. We're working with an elder care attorney to get the Medicaid application processed to pay for mom's long term stay, and her Medicare coverage just ran out yesterday (we were given 48 hrs notice). I'm very anxious about the situation. It looks like she'll qualify for Medicaid but there is a grey area that I don't want to get into here in detail. Let's just say that there's one point in her application that has me concerned.
I was researching it tonight online when my daughter came in to remind me I need to register her for summer camp (the one she likes registers god awful early!). I responded with, "thanks for the reminder, sweetie. I'll take care of that just as soon as I finish looking at this article." She smiled & left the room. Then I turned to my husband to show him the article that I found.
He abruptly told me that I need to stop sacrificing my daughter for my mother. I was stunned. How have I possibly done that??? He pointed out how my daughter wanted me to do her summer camp registration & instead I put her off. In my defense, I was putting her off for five minutes while I showed him this article on Medicaid that I found, that was it. He then let me know that he's had enough. It's time to "wrap up this mother business" & get back to focusing on us and our lives. He told me that I needed to get my priorities straight.
I'm devastated. He all but accused me of being a neglectful parent, which he knows has been my biggest fear in all of this (I didn't have the most nurturing mother, myself). I've tried to do everything I could possibly think of to compensate for all the chaos of me dealing with mom's recent medical issues & long term needs. But, I'm an only child and my dad's deceased. I'm my mother's only immediate family member. I HAVE TO but the work in to settle her situation and I have no control over how complex it'll be or how long it'll take.
It just broke my heart that he could think that way about me. I beat myself up for a few hours about it, wondering if my daughter was going to grow up to hate me for this time in her life. But later in the evening as I was picking up around the house, I realized a few things. Her new winter boots, new coat and snow pants? I took her shopping for those things. The Santa presents hidden in the attic? That was also me. The Christmas presents for extended family (including all the in law gifts)? Me again. This year's photo of her and Santa and the town bazaar? I was the one that took her to that. Not her dad. Her Elf on the Shelf has gotten moved every single night since Thanksgiving (when our elf has traditionally shown up) by ME. Oh, and the letter from Santa that arrives from an artist on Etsy (that she's gotten every year since she was born)? I just ordered that myself on Friday.
All the prepared food in the fridge, the snacks, and her lunch sitting ready to go for tomorrow? Me, me, and me. I was at her basketball game this morning, took her shopping for new basketball shorts and sneakers afterwards. I helped her wash her hair this evening, then brushed it and braided it for her. Despite the situation with mom (and my full time career), nothing has faltered. I stood in the kitchen realizing that everything to be done for this family in preparation of a new week was done, by me alone.
I'm NOT a neglectful mother and I'm NOT sacrificing my daughter for my mother. In fact, I'm killing myself to make sure that my baby girl can count on everything in her world being consistent and secure no matter what back bends I need to perform to make that happen.
That realization should've made me feel better but it did not. I'm so disappointed in my husband right now that I can't even see straight. Empathy isn't he strongest trait but I never thought he'd be so thoughtless right the worst of this situation.
Many Prayers!