notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
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Most regular posters are problem solvers – show them a problem and their reaction is to work out the options. Quite obviously, there is no obligation involved. If you just want solidarity, you can talk to yourself – or perhaps to God.
Amen . 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. This site is not just for solidarity in misery. Nor is it to be patronizing towards those of us who have learned from “ the buzz words “.
We can look after our parents without giving up our entire lives to be their entertainment or to make them happy . No one should give up a career opportunity or coffee out with friends to be a constant companion ( surrogate husband ) for their mother . And if someone gives up their own life in this way , that person is choosing to do that . Many of us have BTDT and learned .
It’s also interesting how when this is suggested , the complaints get dialed back in subsequent posts , along with defending the manipulative parent . Seen this here before as well .
I made the mistake of trying to help someone in a bad situation. Sometimes making that mistake , changes someone’s life for the better .
You are experiencing the consequences of putting someone else's welfare ahead of your own, It rarely seems to work well.
Why on earth did you give up your job, your place of residence and your higher education classes to move in with your mom and care for her? Now you are facing a very precarious situation.
If I were you, I would put aside the family dysfunction and do what I had to to reestablish myself. Concentrate on your needs, put them first ,and get yourself set up again with a job, and build your life back up.
Find out what housing alternatives there are for the short term - a shelter if need be to begin with, where they will help you get your life back.
Wishing you all the best.
Exsister - I have seen many reasons for people to be here, not just for solidarity, but for support to keep boundaries, to learn other ways to deal with a situation, to learn about resources available for caring for the aging and more.
Like nacy - I came for support to maintain the boundaries I had established so mother's life did not take over mine. I learned that you can't make anyone else happy - their happiness is on them, not on you. Your happiness and welfare is on you.
I learned that my welfare and needs were certainly as important as those of the person I cared for.
Like way, I was brought up by a narcissistic mother who groomed me to be her servant child. Any woman who depends that much on her adult child is not mentally healthy. It took much work for me to grow away from that role and give my needs priority in a healthy fashion.
I agree it's not either/or though there are times to turn one's back on a toxic relationship. I hung in there as mother's POA seeing that her needs were met - needs being proper care in all ways - but maintained my own life as well. I was not her entertainment. Whether she liked it or not was immaterial. I didn't like many things she did either. I couldn't let her unhealthy "wants" govern my life. She would have had me "on a string" doing everything she wanted. Even as a child she was jealous of my friends. This was not healthy for her or for me, and catering to her would have been enabling her and preventing me from living my life.
So, no, it is not simple. But there are times when "dysfunction" screams at us, and we feel the need to comment on it, because, in many cases we have BTDT, and know we have found a better way.
Wishing you all the best as you try to make your mother happy. Wishing you all the best for the future regarding your home, as I gather that is far from secure. If I were in your situation, I would be spending my time and energy working on making my own situation better in the present and also for the times that are coming as I aged. Your life does not have to take second place to your mother's.
any advice for me out there???
Maybe it's the way I was raised or just who I am, but I know without the support I get here I probably would slip backwards into being suspectable to being manipulated and guilted again.
For me it is an on going struggle, that I have to keep up with, reading my self help books when I slip backwards. So that I very much disagree with you
I did everything, and I still hit rock bottom.
I never said walk away . But you do not have to be fused at the hip . You should be able to go out for coffee with a friend.
I was not trying to be patronizing or facetious at all .
I’m sorry that you are suffering from FOG.
Fear , Obligation, Guilt .( This can be read up on too ) . I’ll leave you alone to be in this situation .
I didn't, and don't plan on abandoning my mom completely, like honestly I probably should. Many have told me this and I completely agree with what they say, in a sence.
My mom's is a narssasist, mom did groom me from a young age, my brother has become all powerful over mom, her house and has made it impossible for her to get help she needs.
I can't completely abandon my mom, I have to do things my way. Not the way others have told me I should do it. Only my way!
With that being said, this forum has helped me tremendously. To gain my life back, to see the faults of my family, to be able to walk away mentally and physically, when I need to, and have my life and enjoy my life, inspite of it all.
I know you don't want advice, I get that. When I first came in , they said my mom was a narcissist. I was p###ed off. Then thinking about it, reading about it, pulling myself out of burntout, I realized what they were saying was true.
I would like to give you some maybe more bipartisan type of advise. Stay with us, it much helps, knowing your not alone. Work on your mental health, so you don't become burnt out. Put much boundaries down with mom.
I'm telling you, you can do both, it's by far a perfect life!! It's hard but you can have your life and your mentality in check and take care of your mom. But to keep out of burntout you have to put YOU first.
I will also say if I see where I can't keep myself out of another burnout. I will walk!! No actually I won't walk I'll run. That alone helps me , knowing I am and will put me first.
I hope this all made sense and helps a little
Have you spoken to a therapist about your situation ?
A therapist could help you with the codependency between you and your mother .
You could leave her, go out see friends , ( or yes move out ) , but you think you can’t . Your mother is mentally ill for not even thinking that you should have time out with your friends . You are enabling this behavior .
You tell her “ Mom I’m going out for coffee with a friend , be back later”, and leave . It IS that simple . The fact that you feel you can’t do that is not normal . Stop letting Mom control you .
I am a former servant to a narcissistic mother , who I let manipulate me . After mom dies, You will be angry with yourself for not standing up to Mom and regret letting your life go by . Learn the word “ No” to her unreasonable demands . So what if Mom gets upset . You deserve a life seperate from hers .
Google and read about Codependency .
However, with the time change, she wants to get everything started an hour earlier than normal because she'll have more energy, even though she has little to start with and what she eats before her showers does little to help her.
Stuff like that makes me cringe.
I mean, they don't change the times of football games, TV shows, or, in the case of Election Day, voting hours to accommodate those adjusting to falling back an hour.
“If you really loved me, you’d support my need to be a self-involved jerk!”
is an inside job.
Distancing myself from jerks.
1) You are “an optimist by nature so I look at the positives and inwardly celebrate small wins”. Unfortunately, being a bit too positive can hide the reality from you. Reality is not at all positive and you are compromising your own life. She’s 84, she can easily live another 10 or more years.
2) She “doesn't make sense but this is what she seems to believe”. Either she is already ‘mentally ill’, or she is faking – ie this is a deliberate trap to keep you focused on HER. Whichever it is, you shouldn’t go along with it. It is ruining your life now, and will until you stop.
3) “If I move far away she will lose her mind”. Rubbish. She can look after herself. Right now, enslaving you is her best option. If that no longer works, she will sort out something else. She is “84, healthy, sound mind” and “independent... by any measurable standard”. You are being taken for a sucker.
Start your own thread – you have a lot to work through. Love, Margaret
Now, I just need to vent...
My mother (84, healthy, sound mind) likes to feel independent, which she is by any measurable standard. However, she wants me available 24-7 because she just doesn't do adulting. Dad did all the paperwork. She never even had a credit card until he died. She drives but only to places where it's easy to park. She "needs" me to accompany her to the doc, dentist, chiropodist, hearing aid and specialist, optician, hair salon, and to go out shopping or for coffee at a moment's notice even if I have work to do (I'm self-employed).
She won't join the local seniors club or go on outings with people her own age because she does not want to think of herself as "old". She insists I drive her to her home town and stay in a hotel two nights at a time, but refuses to meet up with her old friends so the two of us spend the whole "break" shopping and eating together.
She insists on paying for trips, meals, and treats. Whenever I pay, she gets angry and says she doesn't want to be depending on anyone. She also reminds me I'm not earning much... When I remind her that I would be earning more if I could take the many opportunities I'm being offered in my career, she gets into a funk and accuses me of wanting to leave her, of hating her...
She is paranoid about my friends in a weird, jealous way. It's hard to explain but basically I think she worries I will abandon her if I meet my friends even for a minute. I know it doesn't make sense but this is what she seems to believe. She gets moody and passive-aggressive if I take a phone call from a friend or even if I stop to chat to a neighbour.
I am trapped. I want to leave, but I can't afford to rent within 200 miles of home and if I move far away she will lose her mind.
She is estranged from the rest of the family (not entirely her fault - my siblings are very abusive towards both of us).
She's also alienating her friends and neighbours with her grumpiness. I think she's depressed but she is angry-depressed and impossible to help. Her moods are contagious, but I detox by reading and watching TV.
I am an optimist by nature so I look at the positives and inwardly celebrate small wins (she goes to bed early, and I keep in touch with friends online).
I dread to think what would happen if she ever got very ill physically or mentally. I would be her carer. And if she died I would have to fight a legal battle against my siblings to stay in my home (Mum has left it to me in her will, but wills can be challenged and the legal fees are taken out of the estate, so only a fool would count on a will). I just feel life is passing me by.
Maybe leave some Instructions, fixins for lunch , & perhaps if Your Not There , you wouldn't be such a Target.
Even if it all goes to pot-so what? It seems to Anyway.
My commitment to taking care of my 88 year old Alzheimer/Dementia mother living in my home for 6 years has left me as her favorite person to argue with and lash out at, while my brother and sister only visit and enable her, doing thins that she can do on her own. They are "her babies". (By the way, I am the youngest and was always "her baby" and we always had a great relationship.)
Now, its just total disrespect and arguing while she struggles to stay in control, which always turns out to be dangerous to her health and finances. Guess who gets to pick up all the pieces and fix it when I step back and let her have her way. Which I admit, stepping back, is very hard to do since I am so OCD about making sure that everything is handled. Its a 2nd full time job and finding balance is hard enough let alone, the comments about how great my siblings are while simultaneously arguing and getting extremely nasty towards me.
Thanks for the opportunity to get that out in a safe environment.
Always remember to be nice to people who have access to your toothbrush.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
You can avoid reality.
But you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.