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Thanks so much for the update, Wubba!!!!

We learn from each other here.
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That is great news Wubba, you were blessed to find this wise woman.

Have a great trip to Disney!
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I just read the entire thread and the OP’s recent post. I am awed from all the great advice and insights offered.
Wubba, there is so much hope in your last post. Finding that geriatric social worker is a God-send. I don’t remember anyone like her in the years and years of caregiving for my parents. What a blessing!

I was struck by what your therapist told you - that you were “an ‘unfortunate’ coping mechanism” for your mother’s mental illness throughout your life. I can very much relate to that as my mother suffered from Bipolar Disorder (previously called Manic/Depression) for as long as I could remember. I believe that is what caused me to detach emotionally and at times, physically from her. It was a self-preservation move to keep from being drawn into her mental illness. She and my father have been sharing a room in a nursing “community” (I like that term!) for the past year, and it is remarkable that I have been recently experiencing feelings of love and affection for her that I have not felt in over 40 years.
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In my opinion, you've done more than enough for your mother already. The whole situation, and dementia are complicated further by mental illness.  I'm dealing with some of that with my husband.  I would fear for you and your children's mental and physical health.  You've done all you can; it's time to put her in a safe place and take care of your own finances and mental health. You can't change what she will say and think of it all, and it sounds like she's already verbally abusing you.  I had a big struggle taking the keys from my husband when the doctor said no more driving; I am not looking forward to taking debit and credit cards, but I will do it when the time comes.  And I surely do not look forward to placing him later on, that will be a huge fight, but I must work, and I intend to.  I am working extremely hard to focus on myself and my health right now while he is still living at home. I'll make sure he is taken care of, but my health counts too.  Prayers and best of luck to you in all your decision making.
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Wubba: Such great news!
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The biggest lesson of all this so far? Caregivers need MORE RESOURCES and financial support afforded to them. Yes, I am blessed to have found this geriatric social worker. But I'm also blessed that my husband and I both have good careers because this professional costs $150 an HOUR. Even with our good jobs, we'll only be able to sustain this service for only so long so we need to be efficient and constantly assessing what is worth her time and what we need to figure out for ourselves. Add in the Elder Estate Attorney ($250/hour) to navigate us through the Medicaid process, the in-home caregiver ($300/day) during our vacation, the home health aides ($25/hour), and the fact that our utility bills alone have increased by almost 60% since mom moved into our home and, the finances alone are not for the faint of heart. Mom had no retirement plan. I made more part time in college 20+ years ago than she makes now. What if my husband and I didn't have our careers to lean on for financial resources in this mess? We'd be lost. Every day I think of those trying to provide care with far less and I truly hope the grace of god shines down upon them in their time of need. As hard as it is, we are the lucky ones and I hope I never take that for granted. Society needs to do more to help those in need. No doubt about that.
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First off, what has happened to the "reply to" in some posts? This one is missing (have seen this in other threads too)!

Yes indeed, care-giving, whether in-home, with or without assistance is taxing, both financially and emotionally/physically. MANY people cannot afford even what you have managed to do (and acknowledge that even with two good paying careers it is difficult!) It is almost equivalent to trying to get good child care without it taking up one's whole net income!

I can't speak for my brothers, but I am certainly grateful that my parents were thrifty enough that there is enough to provide mom's care (I manage it and there should be enough now, after sale of the condo, to provide more than 10 years of care, including increases and she is 95 now.). They traveled, had a second condo in FL and spent plenty of money on things (esp mom and her clothes, shoes, handbags!!!), so they were not penny-pinchers, but still had a nice nest egg. I am retired and there is NO WAY I could afford to pay any of those fees (EC, or facility.) One brother is also semi-retired, so no help there either. The younger brother is working, but has two girls in college, so it would be a stretch for him to provide much!

Even sadder is that the ones who provide the hands-on care, aka do the REAL work, are pretty much the lowest paid people in the whole system. Any wonder why some are not exactly up to our standards? Sure, there are plenty of good care-givers, despite the low pay, but it is hard to keep good help when their pay is not enough to keep them to a good living standard!

Consider your EC fee relatively good. We paid for the trust, POA, etc from mom's account, and it was a set amount. Because we had a special life-estate for the condo and had to sell it (over 14k/year just for taxes and condo fees - too much to just let it sit, and that doesn't include the repairs that had to be made!!!), we had to use that attorney for closing - $400/hour!!! Down side for you is that mom doesn't have the funds to cover these costs. Again, consider, as Wubba1108 pointed out, how others cannot even do this much, as they don't make enough to cover those costs!

As you pointed out, hiring in-home care is VERY expensive, and actually ends up costing more than a facility (if you need 24/7 care.) $300/day = $109,500/year! $25/hour for 24/7 care is even worse ($219,000.) Granted it would be much less if one only needs certain hours covered, but still, the average person/family cannot afford this! Consider how many people are here and how many more there are out there who haven't found this forum yet who are struggling with elder care!!

Those who have the strength and provide all care for your LO, all blessings and kudos to you! Those who can afford to give mom and/or dad the care they need, same to you. Moms and/or dads who wisely set aside something, hazzah to you!!! For the rest, our deepest sympathies.
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disgustedtoo: Apparently, the "reply to" only is applicable in some posts. Idk why.
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This is quite interesting...as I had personally asked if my 93 year old Grandmother, was checked out in detail before being pulled out of her house by the police...doped up at the local hospital psych ward....and labeled with dementia. I asked them what stage is she, and what kind? They proceeded to tell me that dementia has no “kinds or stages". And that those details only apply to Alzheimer's. I haven't been here long enough to navigate properly through comments...meaning that I'm a bit confused where the next one is, or where one is that's directed to me, ect.
But, I would very much like to know what results you get from an actual neurologist. As far as kind and stage. I have always felt that such a fast label of dementia was given to my grandmother without many tests. Considering that I DO know she had a urinary infection when taken in....she is EXTREMELY hard of hearing. I believe these things alone could be mistaken for dementia. My grandmother also has a (faded) history of symptoms of mental illness through the years. These were heard in hindsight too.
But, replying to the part of your post that struck me the deepest......
It was wonderful for you to take her into your home. Not alot of people could do that. And IF they do, it very often ends in a nursing facility because it becomes too much, or other things in one's life make it impossible. But quite bluntly...this is sad. Watching them with dementia is sad. The process of caring for them is sad. This whole thing is sad but it happens and it's just unbearable to watch the ones we love go through the process of even just aging. First, I realize your relationship is delicate. But I would like you to know that if you put guilt on yourself, it gets much worse. You love her. I know that because you moved her into your home. These are very difficult situations, and you are not a bad person. They do not like it, no, and in my (our) case there was alot of yelling at my mother. (Who put her in the facility). It hurts terribly. But you want her safe. You love her enough to want her safe. I know they don't understand that reasoning. They sometimes think we are just “locking them up". The only thing I can think of to say to you is this- the whole process for me, was upsetting. That didn't include the yelling my grandma did. I cried alot. I thought I was terrible because if my mom puts her in a home, maybe I could bring her to live with me. And if I didn't do that, then I wasn't a very good granddaughter. But my home isn't big enough. I just got married & that would put stress there before we even get a chance. (Oh, I'm 50, wasn't sure if the word "granddaughter" made me sound young) lol.
I also am on disability for spinal problems and even if I did bring her here, I couldn't help her much with the difficulty that she has walking too.
I had to be realistic. I had to do a lot of self compassion work. I had to forgive myself for not being able to do what my mind was telling me I "should" do. I was lucky tho as my grandma was more angry at my mother who had her pulled out of her apt by the police. I believe that could have been done a different way and done with much more gentleness and compassion. But Grandma DID refuse all help. She refused to talk to the doctor about it and it escalated to that.
All I can say is that I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry we all do. Please don't be hard on yourself. We have very little choices when these times come, but a good safe facility is sometimes the answer. You ARE doing your best. Even though they may not understand, we can't blame ourselves. There is nobody or anything on this Earth that will give us so much of a terrible time as our own minds.
I wish you comfort, send you love, and hope things work out well for all of you. I wish you gentleness on yourself as much as you wish it for your mother. I don't have answers for your situation any more than my own. But I hope things work out. I send you so many positive thoughts! 🙂
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This makes me so sad and as I said before, my wonderful Mom passed away 1 month ago. Her doctor of 30 years retired and previous to that, she listened to everything he said for as long as she could remember more than 30 seconds after a conversation. I kept telling her...remember that Dr.(his name), said you needed to not drive anymore or it would be nice for you to simplify your life, etc. Then when the time came to move I told mom that it will be so nice to have assistance with anything you need. NEVER EVER did I say the words "nursing home". Mom never was in a "nursing home or skilled nursing". She was in a residential group home setting and passed away in the hospital, while her home was at that wonderful home. But I would venture to say that even if she needed "skilled nursing", she would be at a stage of dementia where she wouldn't know anyway! Can you imagine what these elderly demented people go through and how they feel not remembering (knowing) why they are there, know no one, and of course, always want to go home. "Home" I believe is a place that is familiar to them. In my moms case, it was at her childhood home. She even told me the address. My mom sold that home in 1970! Another thing to remember is that if your loved one needs hospice care at home, the residential home or assisted living IS their home and short of having feeding tubes, they can usually stay there till the end. I did not know for sure what caused my mom to aspirate her food, causing that hospital stay. But since dementia robs its victims of everything, including for some, how to swallow ...that was the reason. Doctors cleared her lungs for the most part, only to fill up again. That and the low oxygen and high BP that turned to low BP were signs, as well. I was told she had 1 week to 1 month to live. I met with hospice so she could go back to the memory care under their care the following day at 1:00pm. She passed away at 10:00am that following day, in the hospital. I miss her terribly and all the times I spent with her, making her happy.
I wish you the best and I hope that in a few weeks, you will feel more at peace with your decision...that in my opinion, is totally necessary. Going for a visit, taking her favorite food, watching an old movie with her, doing a puzzle, squeezing the chocolates for her favorite, calling friends/ family for her to talk to and looking at photos...is what you could be doing a couple times a week...not going out of your mind with worry every day.
I realize that all forms of dementia and its victims take a different path...I just hope that my way of joining my moms world during our visits will help you in some way.
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Don't dwell on thoughts of being a bad person because she is furious with you right now. Your relationship with your mother is one of caregiving. It is a journey. You are in the middle of it right now.
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