Some of you may remember me. I've posted previously about having moved my 90 yr old (soon to be 91) mom across the state to live with us last April. She was no longer able to maintain her house, her expenses, or herself. Moving in to our home was the only option she would agree to, so we put our entire living room in storage & that's now her room. We only have a kitchen, bathroom, & 3 bedrooms now. Then we spent $15k to renovate the entire (only) bathroom in our home to make it completely handicap compliant. Shortly after mom arrived, the cognitive issues she'd successfully masked all came into view. We knew she had physical limitations when we opened our home to her, but the cognitive stuff really blindsided us.
Her long time physician was a real trip and danced around the idea of "potential cognitive decline" for months. I wanted so badly to cut bait and find a better doctor closer to us, but all the physicians in mom's network had waiting lists for new patients, so we had to do our best with her existing doctor for a time. It wasn't until I walked into that office with three pages of behavioral observations we noted over a span of 5 months that the doctor finally gave mom a mini mental health assessment and confirmed the official diagnosis of dementia. But that's all the doctor told me - dementia - not what type, not what stage. But at least it was a start.
Finally, in late-January 2019 we got the good news that mom was accepted as a new patient by a GREAT local doctor. Whew! Having someone who's proactive is a breath of fresh air! Reviewing copies of mom's medical records has been a real eye-opener. There were periodic entries over the decades made by her previous doctor that mention likely bipolar illness and probably a form of personality disorder (BPD is noted - borderline personality disorder). Mom was given multiple referrals to a psychiatrist but always refused treatment. I never knew any of this until last month. Surprise! I always thought something was wrong with me that I just couldn't manage to keep our relationship happy. *sigh* Needless to say, I'm absolutely in therapy now to sort this all out.
We have a geriatric social worker hired and a full neurological exam scheduled to pinpoint exactly what stage & type of dementia we're working with. Yesterday the social worker discussed facilities with us and wants to take us for tours. She has concerns that our house isn't well-suited to someone with advancing cognitive decline and that it would also become a severely isolating and confusing experience for our two young kids. Additionally, neither my husband or I can stop working our full time jobs. Mom came to us with nothing. We're covering all of her costs and ours at the moment and frankly, we need every penny we can earn.
Mom knows she's declining, and yet is defensive about it and in denial. I can't really blame her. I'd feel the same. We haven't had any conversations about care facilities or the like in ear shot of her. But I know she's thinking about it because she confronted me with serious hostility out of nowhere last weekend. Saturday morning she woke up angrier than I've ever seen her & told me if I ever put her in a home she'd hate me even more than she already does. Then she said that once she's gone, she's going to haunt our house and everyone in it for the remainder of our days. THANK GOD our kids weren't around. The haunting comment would've scared the absolute heck out of them. It sure sent chills up my spine. A few hours later, it was like none of that had happened.
Today I'm feeling quite horrible knowing that if the neurological report shows moderate to severe dementia (like we think it will), I'm going to blow what's left of our relationship out of the water permanently when I tell her she's being admitted to a facility as soon as we find one. She's never going to forgive me for that. Our relationship has always been fragile. I don't see how it withstands this. What a way to end it
I am new to the forum and this is my first post.
My husband's mom is 88 and was moved to a nursing home facility in our small town after hospitalization for gout, UTI and a fall. At the hospital she was in decline, not eating or drinking, and the doctors told us she was in her final days, so we were girding up to experience her death. After she was on IV antibiotics and her UTI waned, she picked back up. She's alive, but weak and unable to walk.
We transferred her across the street to the local NH, and she has been there for 3 weeks. Medicade is not in place yet, but we are working on that. Her first month cost 7K out of her savings. Now she is distraught, says she hates it there and is begging us to take her home. My poor husband is retired, so most of the visits and care are in his lap, as I am still working full time.
He is exhausted with paperwork, and is getting heart broken over her constant complaints, phone calls and requests to go home.
We also have my 2 parents (aged 88 and 82) who live 6 hours away, one with dementia and one with demntia from Parkinsons. They are home, with caregivers coming in, and my younger brother lives next door. HE is exhausted, too, and every holiday or break I get from work goes to trips to his city to care for MY parents.
Lord, Lord, Lord. Its enough to make me think I should do my kids a favor and check myself off the planet voluntarily when I hit 80 or so.
I struggle with constant guilt. I struggle with wishing it was all over with, then feeling guilty for those thoughts. I hope all the elderly care doesn't drive us all into the poor house.
Thanks for listening.
Useless for me to explain that I would only do that if it became physically impossible for me to care for her... and that we would be risking injury or worse to both of us if I tried to keep her at home. I only wanted to be upfront about the future, and with due respect for her as an adult and my parent, I didn't think it would be fair to blindside her with a sudden, unannounced placement. Well, that didn't work...
Your mom already has the idea in her head, so there's no point in discussing it with her until it becomes a fait accompli. All you can do is try to prepare yourself for the fallout when it happens.
Hugs and best wishes.
There must be something to that generation of moms because my mother also told me if I put her in NH she would never forgive me and haunt me. I told her find I will just burn Sage and white candles, she was speechless.
You have to do whatever it takes to protect your kids and yourself.
I would not tell mom until you find a place for her. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time in your life.
I would not tell her she is going to a facility, I would say I am taking you to lunch and let the professionals handle the situation.
If she knows it will only give her time to traumatize your kids.
I wouldn't worry about the haunting, that's what exorcisms are for. What a manipulative thing to say. BPD and NPD, proof provided by her.
You might want to consider this carefully as to timing. No need to tell her until you have already found the facility and placement is imminent. Like the next day.
What good would it do? It seems more like a threat and the children would have to deal with the fallout.
I’m sorry you and your mom and your family are all in this terrible position.
I am glad you are going to a neurologist. A PCP should never try dealing with Dementia. They are called General Practitioners because they know a little of everything but not enough of anything.
She needs a NH. She will not get better. You need your life back.
My mother is no walk in the park either. Luckily her living with us was NEVER on the table, as she picked on me a lot and I already knew that having her here 24/7 would result in a homicide.
Mom has been in and out of rehab centers as she is a surgery junkie, so she's had everything fixed she possibly can. And she thinks she had some things done she didn't: no gallbladder removal, I had mine out and she "adopted" my story almost verbatim.
My kids didn't spend enough time with or around her to get "hurt". Once I was married and gone, she couldn't care less about my life. As a true Narcissist will do, I was slow to learn. She cares about her and that's it.
Last year I suggested we hire 3xs a week care for her, just an elder care professional (my old career!) to help out--she lives with younger brother.
She was initially OK with it, even excited as she realized she'd have so much more freedom--but YB kisboshed the whole thing and told me to butt out for good, all I did was stir the pot.
So, nothing happened. She's declined a lot, She doesn't get to go out and YB has complete control over her.
I REALLY wanted to have her moved to a SNF, but that wouldn't have flown.
In all honesty, she's gonna be mad no matter what you do. Try to disengage as much as possible. Be prepared for the period of time when she simply is angry and wants nothing to do with you. It passes.
BTW, I was the poster who had the bedpan tossed at me. They're plastic and most elderly folks can't throw very hard.
I find that trying to keep a sense of humor about the whole disatrous mess is my best bet--and BOUNDARIES. I see mother when I want to. Period.
Whether or not she "forgives" you is not even up for discussion. My mother has said that to me so often it doesn't even ring a bell.
I once told my mom of she couldn't even remember my phone number then she likely wouldn't be able to find me to haunt me after she dies. (I am so snarky sometimes. But that is one hollow threat!)
At some point in these terrible situations that have NO good outcome (I like to say that the options are usually bad and terrible; you try to find the "least bad" choice), you have to step back and figure out how to do the last damage to the people you owe the most protection to.
That's your kids. Your kids are vulnerable, impressionable and likely to be damaged by being in constant contact with an elder with BPD, even if she DIDN'T have dementia. How much more protection they need from her with!
There are posters here who've had bedpans thrown at them, been told never to darken their parent's NH door again, etc. All because the adult child made sure that their parent was safe and secure in a facility.
This is what responsible adult children do. It's not easy. Your job is not to please your parent, it's to keep her AND your children safe.
Part of what I think you're feeling right now is grief. Grief about the relationship you never had, and will never have. It's really really normal to feel this way. ((((Hugs)))))).