I had a strong desire to call my mom today.
I haven’t called mom very frequently, no more than once a week because I needed time for myself to adjust after my caregiver days ended.
Then as most of you know, my husband got prostate cancer so naturally my heart was first and foremost with him.
He is the love of my life. Next month we will celebrate 43 years of marriage.
As most of you know, my brothers and I have a strained relationship.
I took care of mom for 20 years all alone as the primary caregiver, 15 years in my home and was heading for completely burning out. I tried to involve my brothers in mom’s care but they weren’t interested in anything but themselves.
When my brothers were involved it was to criticize me because mom had a habit of stirring the pot, which caused stress for everyone.
I got fed up and told my mom to go live with my brother and sister in law. I had done more than my share.
Needless to say, this is never the relationship that anyone wishes to have with family members. I always desired to live in harmony.
Sometimes family dynamics evolve into complex situations filled with a mixed bag of emotions.
I don’t know how I managed to be the primary caregiver for as long as I did. Parkinson’s disease is brutal.
I also cared for my oldest brother and dad before they died. I have seen so much sadness in my life due to various issues.
It changed me watching my mother suffer endlessly. I lived in depression and had enormous anxiety as a primary caregiver without help.
My brother answered the phone when I called mom today.
He told me that mom is now bed bound in a hospice facility. I feel relieved that she is now in a facility. It’s truly for the best.
One of our long time posters (Lealonnie) comforted me throughout my entire caregiving and afterwards. I will forever be grateful. She has a heart of gold and truly understands suffering. She told me that my brother would see what I went through with my mom as he cared for her in his home. She was 100 percent correct!
We needed distance from each other in order for healing to occur. He apologized to me and said, “I now know what you went through. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a brother for you to talk to. I was wrong and should have supported you.” I cried so hard hearing these words.
When he took over mom’s care I did not interfere as he did with me. Mom would never complain to me about him because she is very old fashioned and won’t criticize a man. It’s common for some women in mom’s era to feel like the man has authority over women. Mom is 95.
I am so grateful for everyone on this forum. You have helped me more than you know. I can’t list everyone because the list would be too long but I hope you know how much I have appreciated your help.
This is a very emotional time for me. I will be going to see my mom very soon.
Thanks for explaining this to me because I haven’t heard anyone tell me they have measured breathing before.
Mom is getting that medication for breathing. My brother just told me they started giving that to her. Plus morphine every 2 hours and Ativan. Oxygen on too.
I am concerned about him because he has serious heart issues.
My brother won’t leave her side, even after the hospice staff told him sometimes they don’t want to die in front of us.
It’s interesting, the hospice nurse said the last thing that they have control of is deciding when they leave.
It may be six years since your dad died but we remember these things forever.
That does make sense, because where would your mom have gone?
I think that your mom did choose that time and place to leave.
My mom has those sponge things too. She can’t swallow so no more ice chips spooned into her mouth.
It scared us when it stopped because it stopped abruptly with no warning. She exhaled one last breath and I remember the room feeling so cold. I asked to switch seats with my brother so he did.
Prayers and hugs to you. You are strong. You will get through this!!
I was frantically on the phone with hospice on Friday so perhaps my mother heard me while in a coma. I kept telling hospice that she didn’t have much longer to live, that she didn’t want to go anywhere, and that at that point in time I had nowhere to send her. Hospice was trying to find a hospice place that had 8 beds and was run by nuns and you only had to give a small donation.
But hospice didn’t know if that place was available and I was frantic because the hospital had my mothers name up on the board to be discharged on Monday at 3:00pm. To where? Where is she going to go? She doesn’t want to go anywhere. She hasn’t had any water.
Its possible that my mother heard me because I was in her room crying to the hospice over the phone.
Perhaps my mother knew it was the end and left this world so she wouldn’t have to die in some unfamiliar setting.
My mother was very familiar with the hospital and had been there numerous times. She felt comfortable there. It’s possible she just knew.
I pray for you and your mother. I know how hard this is for you. We are all here for you. Hugs!!!!
I was measuring dad's breathing too.....counting how long it was between breaths.....it had gotten to 50 seconds! 50 eternal endless seconds, it was horrid. Your brother is scared and horrified listening to his mother's labored breathing, wondering if she will take another one. If he's like me he's holding HIS breath waiting for HER to take the next one. I was thinking, this is it, this is the last hour or 2 or 3 of my father's life I'm watching. I don't find what he's doing odd. It makes me cry to hear it, literally, nearly 6 years after my dad passed away.
The loud snoring-like breathing is known as the death rattle. Dad passed about 8 hrs after it started. Sounded to me like he was breathing under water and got louder and louder. A drying agent medication (I can't remember the name) can be administered by hospice, but its pretty useless. That's when I left, I couldn't stay and listen to that sound. I went home and lied down in bed and waited for The Call. It came at 1am. He passed an hr later, right before we arrived at the AL. Dad didnt want me there to see him pass, I'm sure.
My brother is measuring how many breaths she takes per minute. I don’t understand his behavior. It seems obsessive to me.
My mom barely breathes, then draws a long breath, sort of gasping for air. They have the oxygen on her. She’s hanging on by a thread, I suppose.
I know that there are signs that death is near but I speak with the woman who has a mom in the room next to my mom.
They told her the same as me, that her mom had about two weeks left. Well, her mom is long past those two weeks, so I feel that no one can predict the exact time, don’t you agree? Others die more slowly.
The nurse said that some residents arrive and don’t live past a few hours!
It’s interesting. The hospice houses only allow a person to stay for a specific period of time. If they don’t die, a reevaluation is done to see if they qualify to stay for an extended period of time.
In my mothers case her breathing got very loud and sounded like snoring. The nurse came in and said her breathing was labored. I asked her if she could have morphine. The other nurse was giving her morphine every 4 hours and this nurse said yes after only 2 hours. Her last does was 7:30pm and this particular nurse gave my mother another does at 9:30pm. She died just after midnight.
My brother and I were going to leave at 9pm but he wanted some ginger ale. The nurse brought in a pitcher of ginger ale so we stayed. We had no idea she was going to pass that night. But I am glad I was there with my brother.
Hugs to you. Thinking of you during this difficult and emotional time.
Your support means a lot.
Elaine,
It is hard. My husband and I just got home. My brother went home for a little bit.
I am puzzled by his behavior. He is measuring mom’s breathing. Don’t you find that odd?
I know that we all process things differently. I don’t know what to think. He hardly ever leaves even after the hospice nurse told him that sometimes people don’t want to die in front of their family.
She even said that she has worked in hospice for 20 years and that she has only seen a couple of patients die with family present. Interesting, huh?
So, you and your brother were one of the rare cases of being there. Most times they die shortly after we leave. My brother died the second I left the room and I had been there for hours.
Ali, my dream is to die in my sleep! I absolutely want to be in hospice too. They have been so lovely with mom.
So many memories of mom are flooding back.
Memories from my childhood. We had the same nuns in school! They were young when they taught her. Those nuns don’t forget a thing! They told me stories about her as a girl. She was an excellent student, all A’s on her report cards! She has always been a perfectionist!
Did your mom have a crush on Sinatra? Oh my gosh! My mom loved him.
This is funny, mom would get tired doing PT, so I told her young, good looking physical therapist that mom loved Sinatra and danced to his music and he said back to me, “Well, I can play Frank on my phone to inspire her to do her exercises.” I thought that was so sweet of him. She was all smiles when she heard his music.
How wonderful that your mom got to see him live! He was hot stuff in their time.
You have been in my thoughts and heart. I pray that you and your mom find peace. You both will be in my prayers.💗
I'm so grateful for hospice services, too. When my time comes, I hope there is a death-with-dignity option, if I need that to end suffering, or hospice care. Wishing you a heart full of good things during this time, though it's so tough.
Hospice care is believed to date back to the 11th century!
Amazing.
Your support means so much.
My brother should be back soon. My younger brother can’t handle it.
They married in 1947.
My mom took care of that a while back with my brother.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Voice_of_Frank_Sinatra
If you know what year your mom and dad met, Google Sinatra and the year.
I agree that mom will be with my daddy again.
Awhile back I asked her what was she and daddy’s song.
She knew it and told me the name.
She had a smile on her face as she sang the lyrics.
It was a Sinatra tune! She had a crush on Sinatra in her youth like a lot of ladies in that generation.
I wish that I had written down the name of the song. She and daddy used to dance to it.
I can’t remember the name of it.
I do believe that it won’t be long before she is dancing in daddy’s arms again.
NHWM, do you have her final arrangement ready?
Sending YOU a big hug tonight.
My brother went home for a bit to rest. He was here before I came.
This is so hard but it’s such a blessing to have hospice during this time.
Going to see mom shortly. I know that I am repeating myself. So sorry.
I find it heartbreaking to watch her slipping away slowly. I know that she has been ready to go for a long time!
There is nothing new except mom’s breathing is becoming more shallow.
The drugs are keeping her calm and pain free.