My parents are in their 80s and have limited mobility following health conditions. They are desperate to stay in their home and so they have a live in carer to help with all everyday tasks.
The issue is that they are both incredibly stubborn and have started being rude to the carer, complaining non stop that nothing is done in 'the right way' (even small things for example she doesn't fold clothes the way they like, they just expect her to know without having ever told her). It's gotten so bad that they've actually got through around 12 different carers, who either leave because they're being treated so rudely, or are told to leave by my parents. There doesn't seem to be any other options left. Please can anyone help offer some advice, I feel at a loose end! We've tried talking to them many times but they won't listen.
They have lived in a care home before and hated it so that doesn't seem to be an option.
Unfortunately it will take an emergency to change their minds. I just pray it will not be a life-threatening one.
Leaving them with wrinkles or inappropriately folded clothes, as perceived by the person inflicted with dementia, may be the required action/response. In other words, just leave the clothes . . . and the caregiver go do something else ... or leave for 5-10 minutes if they are being screamed at/abused in any way. Letting a person know there are consequences of behavior (rude, screaming) = caregiver will leave may or may not result in lessening the behavior. As mentioned above, medication may be needed.
When Caregivers Are Abused-How to address anger and aggression from a loved one with dementia---by Marc Agronin, M.D.
Determine the cause of the abusive behavior
A geriatric psychiatrist or other clinician who has specific training in both mental health and neurocognitive disorders can help you understand why one is suddenly cruel or angry. 4 most likely causes can be summarized by four D's:
DENIAL, DEPRESSION, DELUSIONS, DISINHIBITION___________
Denial. Some people are oblivious to their cognitive changes and tend to get angry and erupt at anyone who suggests that they are impaired.
DEPRESSION_______________
Depression is extremely common in the setting of neurocognitive disorders, sometimes as a result of knowing the diagnosis but more commonly due to pathologic changes in brain structure and chemistry. Depression may manifest in irritability or anger instead of sadness, and is accompanied by symptoms such as insomnia, poor appetite and weight loss, lack of energy and interest, and physical aches and pains.
DELUSIONS________________
These are defined as false but fixed or deeply held beliefs, and more than half of people with Alzheimer's and other neurocognitive disorders tend to have them at some point. Delusions often involve paranoia (they might believe that someone is trying to harm or steal from them) or jealousy (accusing one's partner or spouse of having an affair, for instance). Delusional beliefs cannot be altered by logical reasoning or argument, and can lead to intense fear and anger.
DISINHIBITION_____________
Characterized by inappropriate, uncharacteristic or strange behaviors, disinhibition is seen in early stages of frontotemporal dementia and in later stages of Alzheimer's. In addition to verbally abusive or inappropriate comments, it may include behaviors that seem out of control, crude or embarrassing.
3. Treatment
Once the doctor has a hypothesis of what may be driving the verbal abuse, a relevant treatment plan can be devised. Denial is difficult to address but does not always require confronting the person with the diagnosis. Instead, the doctor needs to build a supportive relationship around issues that the afflicted person is concerned about, such as poor sleep or nervousness. Depression can be successfully treated with both antidepressant medication and various forms of talk therapy. Delusions often require antipsychotic medications, while disinhibition may respond to certain medications that temper the lack of brain control.
My father was like that. kept firing the carers but then if he liked one he would give her more money, even tho its against the law here. and it became real hell for my sister to manage.
Home help must be aware, can you ask them to let you know the complaints or the firing and then go and have a right family fight regarding their total patheticness.