My parents are in their 80s and have limited mobility following health conditions. They are desperate to stay in their home and so they have a live in carer to help with all everyday tasks.
The issue is that they are both incredibly stubborn and have started being rude to the carer, complaining non stop that nothing is done in 'the right way' (even small things for example she doesn't fold clothes the way they like, they just expect her to know without having ever told her). It's gotten so bad that they've actually got through around 12 different carers, who either leave because they're being treated so rudely, or are told to leave by my parents. There doesn't seem to be any other options left. Please can anyone help offer some advice, I feel at a loose end! We've tried talking to them many times but they won't listen.
They have lived in a care home before and hated it so that doesn't seem to be an option.
I always say, treat them according to the age they are behaving.
It's time for YOU to draw the line (obviously the 12 previous caregivers thought their lines had been crossed).
Sometimes the best solution is to take the matter out of their hands.They might put up a fight (aren't they already doing that??) but will be secretly happy that a decision has been made.
Go ahead, make arrangements for a facility to meet their needs. Someone needs to act like an adult.
If 12 have actually quit, there’s imho some kind of loads more serious backstory happening...... they are not quitting cause mom or dad told them to fold the towels with the edges placed inside the trifold....
So what’s the story? Are they being paid legally and properly? Like hired through an agency or if hired freelance they are having full FICA & tax reporting done? & are getting paid regularly?
As it’s live in caregiver, are they being provided their own private bedroom & full meals & time off? Both daily breaks and full days off in which they are not, again NOT, accountable at all to your folks?
Are your folks threatening in some way? Like racist slurs? Sexual stuff?
Is there something about how your folks live that isn’t safe? Maybe use of drugs beyond what’s prescribed? Hoarding? Unsecured guns? Aggressive pets? Maintenance needed that creates unsafe housing?
A dz caregivers quitting is beyond odd.
So, really what’s the backstory?
We started out by telling the agency AND the potential caregiver that our LO would be “rude”, and were able to get a VERY good caregiver who didn’t give a second thought to what LO said, cooked like a pro, and ignored EVERY COMPLAINT.
I TRULY HATE those commercials on TV that are bathed in sappy sugary sweet music, show a sweet, smiley faced “caring friend” serving an exquisitely crafted salad to an equally sweet, obviously grateful and adoring person.
REALITY?? NO WAY! NEVER HAPPENS!
This is horribly frustrating for you. I’m sorry.
Also, if you have a Live In, you should use a relief Caregiver one day a week so your Live In can have a 24 hr day off or give her two 12 hr shifts off. Believe me, they need the break.
Also, your parents do NOT get to decide about going to a care home as if they live independently and in a bubble. If they don't start being nice to their caregivers, make it clear that you are NOT going to step in and enable their poor choices. Learn to say something like "Mom and dad, if you continue to drive away your caregivers, you will not be able to continue to live in your home and I will not step in to fill the void left by those helpers."
If one or both does have dementia, start looking for memory care now before a crisis happens.
If they feel they are independent, then let them find out they aren't. It sounds like to me you have told them what you can and can't do since there was a need for aides. Stick by your guns. Sorry Mom and Dad but thats why you hired aides. I cannot be here 24/7 and at your beck and call. Maybe u need to reconsider an Assisted Living where there are people who can help you.
The other thing is, wait till an emergency. One ends up in the hospital and goes to rehab. Then ur told they need 24/7 care and the other can't do it and the NH needs to discharge safely. At that point the one at home is told they won't release the other because they are not capable to care for them and you aren't either. Then the decision needs to be made they both go to an AL if they want to be together.
It also means they are no longer capable of making sound decisions.
If they need full time care, then they need to accept it in their home or live in a facility. Since they refuse to play nice with care givers in their home, they will eventually have the big problem that puts one or the other into hospital and that will be the end of living at home likely for both of them.
The thing is, you have to step back and let nature take its course. It is hard to watch someone crash, but often it is the only option.
'They lived in a care home before and hated it, so that doesn't seem to be an option'.
Well, that was then, this is now. Stubborn or not, they need what is best for them. I'm sure you've talked to them pretty sincerely about this dynamic--how they need to treat their CG's if they want to stay in their home.
You don't say how involved you are in their day-to day.
Let them try to get by with NO help for a week or two. They have to come to the conclusion they need to A: be nicer or B: they'll lose the ability to live in their home.
Growing old is the pits. Not to excuse their behavior, but be aware of that. Do you have any kind of 'control' over them? If you don't have POA, you're kind of up a creek.
Whatever you do, DON'T run to their house and make it be all right for them. That just allows them to continue on in a negative way.
I'd be all about letting them deal on their own. (DO they drive?? That's one thing that must be addressed, for safety issues). If they have to go completely without help, they may be kinder, or it may be time to re-visit an assisted living facility.