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Please do what you can to start living your own life as soon as possible. I gave up much of my life after my Dad died when I was 19 and my Mom made it clear that my job was now to take care of her into her old age and give her grandchildren. I never moved to where I wanted to move, all our holidays were planned around my Mom, I turned down amazing career opportunities that would have impeded my "responsibility" for my Mom, and it dragged my husband down, too. We divorced a year before she died. I was 51 years old. I had a new lease on life!! I remarried a man who shared my dreams for retirement. We had 3 good years together. Then his only sibling died suddenly, my husband became solely responsible for his elderly parents, then his dad died leaving his Mom to his care (they were irresponsible with their money) and now my husband is being evaluated for cognitive impairment. So now I am tied down AGAIN by a narcissistic, pathological lying MIL and a husband of 5 years who may be in the early stages of dementia. Such is my life.

But...I tell you this only in order to encourage you to live your life while you are young! My 2 kids have always had my blessing to spread their wings and fly and not worry about me or be tied down by me. They have done so much in their young adult lives and live very far from me....and are happy! I havr a good relationship with both of them. Live your life now because you do not know what the future will bring and if you wait to live your life, it may be too late. I wish you lots of luck and many hugs of support.
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cherokeegrrl54 Dec 2019
very wise words!!
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Im so sorry you are in that predicament. I'm sure you love your mom, and it's not always a burden, but caregiving is tough, and you also need a life. Much older people suffer burnout over constant caregiving. I'm sure you are too. It is very stressful. So is school.

Your mom is being selfish leaving all the care to you. She can pay cnas or nurses to help. Or offer you breaks.
Are you able to wait till your done school? Maybe you can get a job out of the area. That is the perfect excuse. Cant find a job close. Too bad, I need to work in my field where I can get a job. And line up an apartment out of the area.
If you cont to live close by, you will be forced to continue caregiving. You dont want that. Your gonna have to phone or write your older siblings telling them it's their turn to step up. You have done enough. Do that after you have lined all your ducks in a row. That way there is NO GOING BACK.
As long as you are still in the home, still close by, you will have all other parties telling you, you are selfish and they will try to force you to continue free caregiving. I'm sure you have burn out maybe depression from this job being forced upon you. Tell them that, but if will fall on deaf ears.
They are not going to want to step up. You have made it too convenient. They are going to say hurtful things. You must stay strong and not listen or give into their rants. Keep repeating over and over I have a job lined up. I'm leaving. No negotiations.
You will have to give your mom notice to find someone. There will be tears, tantrums, guilt trips and maybe even blackmail or offers of money to stay. Dont give in. You wont have a life!
That is how I would do it.

If you try to do it during your schooling, you will have more stress than you can manage. You can also tell your mom you have a lot more research and studying to do. You wont be around. Find a new place to study. That way she is forced to find someone to help her. Get that going now. Dont be available by phone for every emergency or she will have you on a short leash. That is what the cna is for. You are going to have to develop a thick skin and stay strong or all your family will pull you back in. Good luck.
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Dear S,
You’ve done a spectacular job as caregiver. Now is your time to shine. You will have to get certain important papers that only Elder law Atty can provide. Go there with her so you can be appointed her financial POA & Health proxy poa. Also, she should make out a Will.

She will need live in help it sounds like. Either that or 2 aides on 12 hr shifts. ...& what happens when one of them don’t show up? You’ll have to stay home!!!

What happens if you get injured or get sick?

I’m 60 & caring for a 92 yo mother with dementia...can’t walk, incontinent, sometimes agitated or even violent. When I was sick with stomach virus, the Aide refused to stay longer or cover for me. I had nobody to replace me.

If she has resources, she can private pay until Medicaid kicks in .

Start now to tour places like Assisted living or Skilled Nursing Facilities. She would qualify since she needs nursing care from liver problems. If she’s not coming directly from hospital, they will tell you to get PRI Nursing Assessment...& then take the paper to SNF. Talk to Admissions..

HUGS 🤗

CaregiverL
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As has been said, now is the only time you have to live your life. Talk to social workers and seek advice through doctors' offices, including referrals for counseling for herself and for you. What would she do if you were suddenly incapacitated? She would go on. I am 59 and of an age to be your mom. (I have a 21 year old daughter.) I would NOT, NOT, NOT want her to give up her only youth to care for me.
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Time to talk to social worker associated with her hospital and probably home health care agencies. The social worker can walk you through your mom's insurance coverage in regards to paying for home health.

Decide how you would like to be involved in your mom's life... and what you would like your life to be like. Then, talk to your mom about the dreams for your life. Discuss with her how you plan to obtain your dreams. Then, talk to her about how you'll both need to make some changes - her allowing others to care for her and you not being there as much or moving out. Explain how social worker has options and resources you can both look at and to decide together on the best ones. Follow-through and get the care your mom needs arranged before you head off to work on your dreams.
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Speak to social workers about this and move forward with YOUR life.
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Wow! You have handled much more than the average 24 year old. That being said it is not unreasonable to want a life of your own. Given her medical needs, it may be time to investigate home nursing care. Maybe introduce the nurse slowly while you cut back on your performing the task. Not knowing her financial status, it may be a possibility that she is eligible for some assistance through Medicaid. Some states area agency on Aging provide assistance for disabled adults. Is it possible for you to have a frank discussion with your siblings regarding her care. Perhaps their taking on tasks they do feel comfortable with. Other than the drain care, is she able to bathe and dress herself? I'm thinking that she needs to do as much for herself as she is able.
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Talk to a Social Worker and Maybe He or She can Best Assist with This.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2019
I find that Social Workers don't think out of the box. They don't take in consideration the family dynamics. I had one trying to tell me to put a ramp outside my Moms door. Her room was the bottom level of a split. Half the room was underground. Her steps went up out of the ground. Tried to explain how my house works, never got thru to her.
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As a male that first cared for my father in my 20s before he passed from cancer, and now caring for my mother in my 30s as she is challenged by a disease known as LBD, I speak from over 12 years of caregiving experience. Even with that experience, I don't have enough information from your post to give sound advice, so be careful of the many self-centered people on this site who quickly give advice that you know in your heart is COLD and not representative of you as a loving and compassionate daughter. From what you have shared, I would say that more research is needed on your end to find out what income, age, and medical requirements are considered to qualify for government funded programs.

My mother does not receive any public funds, as we are direct payers to 4 part-time caregivers --- yes it takes a lot when considering all of the needs of your loved one, and you have to have contingency plans in place in case a caregiver calls in sick or has an unforeseen situation that keeps her/him away with short notice.

I purposely hired 4 different people who shared our family faith (Christian), have current State-issued fingerprint clearance cards, are CPR and first-aid trained, and who would be willing to take an online training course on food preparation and safety (same as a restuarant employee). I took all of these steps because my due diligence in finding quality caregivers to assist my mother while I am at work matters to me for my peace of mind.

For any of us to help you with sound advice, we just need to know more about your mother's current income level, current outside assistance being received (weekly nurse check-up, etc), if your mother would be willing to sit down with a counselor who specializes in finding programs for in-home assistance that she may qualify for, and whether you are feeling any pressure from your boyfriend to move out.

Me and my wife could offer you direct advice in private messages if we had more info to consider. Whatever you do, don't do anything quickly. Take the time to thoroughly research the options, and just know that having a life as a caregiver is possible when you research properly and have the right help.

It's by no means easy to care for a loved one, but with strenghth from God and using my intelligence to research, I was able to keep my sanity, keep my peace knowing that I am pleasing God, earn a degree, become a senior manager, and have a family while balancing out the needs of caring for my parents. Just know that each case is different and what didn't work for a lot of people on this site, may actually work for you, and vice versa. You are an amazing daughter and you will reap what you have shown in more ways than you will know.
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