My mother in law will be moving in the first of the new year and I cannot cope with the idea knowing a lot of her care will be on me. While she has her physical and mental wits about her for the most part, she is in beginning stages of Alzheimer's or Dimentia (have yet to diagnose). I am in a constant panic, depression and anxiety and not sure what will be ahead. My husband works and he has no idea what to expect either. I guess long story short is I am scared to death even if she is pretty self reliant, however, know that this will not always be the case. Our lives are going to be turned upside down and we have had so many goals. And now we have to alter our home for her safety. Thats fine, but its so much change too!!! I know I sound selfish, but I know we will be strongly effected in a way in which we cannot manage. I know our marriage will change greatly. I feel like my world is over and I will caring for a child who has a big mouth, strong opinions, dislikes and personality. Basically worse than me. No jokes. We have many pets (6), 3 that love barking and the other that get under foot.
I am so sorry to air out and ask what I should do at the same time. I feel like my life is simply going to be taken over until she passes. I hate saying that. But am I alone in this. I feel like a horrible selfish person for thinking about myself and husband.
The other issue is my 11 year old nephew. I practically live with my sister and he during the summertime, literally. I am only home for a couple of days a week. And I cannot go without that time with him in my life. I am spiraling! I am sorry.
I feel so trapped already. Keep in mind, I have never had any children just animals and an nephew who is practically mine. But never have had a person depend on her activities and other needs she may have.
The first thing I would do is IMMEDIATELY look for an elder care coordinator / geriatric case manager who has extensive mental health training, because you're going to need someone with that sort of experience. You need a *professional* who can explain to your husband *exactly* what it entails to take care of a demented elder. You need someone who will read your husband the riot act--and has the professional qualifications to do this. You will want to go to the initial consultation *alone*, because you need help getting through your husband's thick skull that you absolutely do not want to care for his demented mother in YOUR home--and that you have *very* good reasons for making this decision. I hate to say it, but this IS a common problem elder care coordinators deal with. A lot of men really don't respect women and that includes their wives. They haven't gotten with the program that they can't unilaterally make decisions that affect their wives and family without their wives fully agreeing to it. Many times, they use bullying tactics, such as pestering you until you give in, in order to get their way. You also need a professional to *order* that he get professional mental health for himself *and* actively participate in couples counseling.
You and your husband are definitely going to need couples therapy. I think this problem ranks in seriousness equal to discovering that he's got a mistress and they've been using your bedroom. What he has done is violate the sanctity of your home, by bringing an unwanted and problematic person into your home and expecting that you will be cool with it.
Let's assume that he refuses to meet with an elder care coordinator / elder case manager. Make it very clear that NO is unacceptable. You want to spend at least a week telling him that 'we have a meeting with the elder care coordinator on ___ at ___. You need to be there. This is non-negotiable.' Some men will make excuse after excuse to avoid meeting this person. Hold his feet to the fire.
Let's assume that he's saying 'h-ll no, I won't go.', then it's time to hire a family law / divorce attorney. This is *completely* unacceptable behavior and, for your own safety and sanity, you have to divorce him. The same goes for if he refuses to go to couples therapy, he refuses to take couples therapy seriously or he stonewalls therapy. I know of times where the numbskull man woke up to how serious and bad his behavior has been only when you have him served with divorce papers and walk out.
It's been 4 days and 33 answers since we first heard from her.