I have a 96 year old father with dementia. He lives in a 2200 sq/ft house he built 64 years ago. It is a ranch but the laundry is in the basement. While he is still able to drive and buy groceries, his meals are limited to soup and TV dinners cooked in the microwave. He no longer knows how to use the oven or stove.
He has a bad knee that limits the amount he can walk and can cause him to loose his balance. So far no serious injuries have occurred. He also refuses to use a cane. He does laundry, wears the same uniform every day (flannel shirt and jeans) and rides his John Deere lawn mover to get to the mailbox and take the trash to the curb.
We are approaching a time where he will need some in-home care since I live 12 hours away. He is disoriented when he is not in familiar territory so even short stays with me did not work. Nursing Home care is out of the question.
He has plenty of money to afford, lawn service, housekeeping, home repairs and even 24 hour home care when necessary. I visit every other month to take care of planting flowers, cutting down trees, cleaning the house, and home maintenance and repairs. There is always of list of chores he wants me to tackle. When I bring up the subject of hiring outside help, he blows me off, refuses to discuss the topic and says he has taken care of things for over 70 years and does not need help. The sticking point is that he thinks paying $1,500 for tree removal should only cost $200. He is completely unreasonable about the cost of peoples time but thinks nothing of me traveling from NH to MI to take care of his needs.
His house, which use to be meticulous, now looks tired and unkept.
I don't think he sees it... but he will bad mouth his neighbor's house for not being maintained.
I do not want to be responsible for maintaining his house when he can easily hire everything done. His close, 80 year old, neighbor for over 40 years has offered to help refer honest, reliable people but he refuses his help too.
My hope is that he is agreeable to paid help before he hurts himself and ends up in the hospital. Any advice appreciated.
Your father says he does not need help although he’s relying on you for certain chores .
You are propping up his false independence .
I hate to break it to you . But these stubborn ones that say a facility is out of the question often end up in a facility because they are the same ones who say they don’t need help and won’t let caregivers in the home either.
Some catastrophe usually happens that precipitates placement in a facility . He sounds as if he’s approached the point of being unable to recognize his own deficits .
I suggest you learn more about dementia. Your father should STOP DRIVING IMMEDIATELY . Take away his keys , and the car .
Many of us have been in your shoes . I’m sorry to say that this will only get worse . Dad will need 24/7 caregivers for supervision either at home or in a facility .
In the meantime , there isn’t much you can do unless he has a diagnosis on paper of dementia and you already have POA.
If you don’t have POA, Guardianship is another avenue , but I hear very expensive . If an emergency lands him in the hospital , you can apply for emergency guardianship , or let the state/county assign a guardian . You can ask an elder attorney for advice .
What usually happens is either a stubborn elder ends up in the hospital and gets placed from there into a facility , Or the family has to rely on APS or the local County Area of Aging to remove a stubborn elder who is unsafe living alone at home who refuses hired caregivers .
Some families take caregiving upon themselves and either move in with the parent or have the parent move in with them . Then the parent is no longer living alone and it can be difficult to place them in a facility if you don’t have POA and you can’t care for them anymore .
Having POA is key here in getting Dad help , otherwise you have no power, other than to call APS or the County Area of Aging . Read some other threads under dementia topic to see what other families have gone through. You may have a tough situation as well unless Dad by some miracle sees a light and becomes reasonable .
You can try begging, bargaining, etc, but that gets old. Usually, an event will happen that puts them in the hospital, like a fall, accident, illness, etc. That might present an opportunity for you to intervene, but that depends if you have a Durable Power of Attorney that provides the authority.
So……I’d consult with an elder law attorney who practices in his county of residence to get advice on what evidence you need to proceed with Guardianship petition. It varies by state and county, but if you can prove he’s not competent to maintain his household or in danger, you or another person could be appointed as Guardian of his estate. Then, you would be able to manage his funds and pay bills as needed. It’s a huge responsibility though. I’d take a long look at what that entails.
I am not criticizing, because that is one choice, and the other choice is letting all of this go, which WON'T (in all likelihood) make him move to care or get in care, but will just land him at the bottom of the stairs on the floor, and then you will "get the call" or find his decomposed body next visit.
That's brutal but that's the truth.
You need a sit down talk with him, and if this is how he is going to operate, if he CHOOSES, that is to land down the stairs dead (and it IS to me a viable choice along with going into care), then I would install a good camera system and I would monitor him.
I would also bring in a care worker and while I would START with being there those days for "training" (or whatever excuse you give) I would tell my father any lie I had to ("back is out; doctor says no lifting for a month") and say that the help is for ME and he needs to pay.
If you cannot reason with him, then tell him you cannot function to help him. That he is an adult and has to understand you have limitations and he has needs.
Eventually this will come to a head and in the worst way. For me it was Desert Regional Hospital calling with "You know we have your brother here, right?" and my replying "No, I didn't". Beginning of the end that took about 2 years to come.ll
Sorry, no easy, good, right answer to all this. But you do need to find the point at which you need to STAND FIRM FOR YOURSELF. And you will have to be brutally honest with your dad about this. Bless him for wanting to die on his terms and in his home. It's what we all hope for (I am 81) but it isn't always possible without putting dreadful burdens on our children.
My daughter lives two states away. I caution her to STAY AT LEAST that far away, hee hee.