This seems an effective place to gain information and support. My spouse is 76, a 3x cancer survivor (cecal to prostate metastasizing into spine) that began in 1999. Sticking to one issue at a time, here goes: one month ago he agreed to wear Depends 100 percent of the time, a very necessary step, and a big one for all of us. That went smoothly.
The next issue regards Depends, in that he refuses to change them often enough. Outside of the odor, there is naturally the damage done to the skin. For instance, he put on a fresh pair Dec. 13 and today, the 16th, still has them on. They leak by this stage, onto his pants and the couch and the bed.
I've asked him tonight if he needs help changing and like a 2 year old, the answer is 'no.'
"My husband will not allow frequent enough changes of his Depends."
"Here are 400 more Depends."
It's the exquisite, poignantly comic torture of a response that does have an association with, but is in no way a solution to, your problem.
I’m glad you’ve contacted the PCP. This just is not normal.
Thanks for replying.
With some conditions, writing notes for the patient is not helpful. They don't think of reading a note and even if they did, they may not be able to process it. Plus, with cognitive decline, proper judgment and reasoning are declining. He may not be able to really make these decisions for himself. I'd also get a legal consult to find out your rights and responsibilities too.
I'm sorry your LO resisted so strongly. That must have been distressing to have seen her cry.
Spouse's proper judgment and reasoning are in decline, especially about paying bills. The VA help office has officers who've been especially effective in advising during these troubling events.
I hope your husband heeds you and appreciates your help. He might not say it but demonstrate it otherwise; when pride gets offended, it's darn hard to get around.
Has his doctor explained to him that he needs to change at least every few hours? If the nurse is a woman, he may just have e decided no mere woman is going to tell him what to do. He knows if he throws a hissy, you’ll leave him be.
If he continues resisting, tell him you’re hiring a male aide built like a linebacker to “help” him change. And I’m only half kidding.
Yes, the nurse is well known to him and the issue of advice coming from a female has been considered; his care team includes several females with the PCP being male. Contacting the PCP is the next step.
"My topics" contain dementia/ALZ, elder law, housing and so forth, but I didn't put them on the profile.
I observe a pattern: change on Friday, go through to Monday (when the odor gets especially pungent, to my objection but not his), change Monday about half the time with my insistence, the other half he changes without reminder), change Wednesday, and Friday once more. Before usage began, the concern was that he'd refuse to wear Depends at all. Not changing often enough was unforeseen by me.
I'm considering a chart on the disposal bin, or something he can check off when they're changed to give a sort of pat on the back. The alternative is to keep on keeping on reminding, which I am willing to do.
Will you now be able to get spouse into a good changing routine, do you think? If you can help him form a habit it might save him slipping back.
Also, I wondered: is it difficult or uncomfortable for him to make the required effort?
The lessons in hygiene seem to penetrate; a lot of the issue is ingrained conservatism about the Depends, but when I told him the VA sent 300, he appeared to feel more at ease that he wouldn't 'run out.' He's been a 1x weekly bath person for about 10 years. He's sedentary and was even before the cancer.
Since posting here, there's improvement in the general state of maybe 5 percent? For instance, I reminded him on Tuesday to change pants and Depends without any obstacle.
He has hobbies such as Minesweeper on the internet and doing Sudoku in puzzle books and really gets into them; it's likely that, like a 4 year old, the concentration is so absolute that bowel/bladder control falls by the wayside.
@rocketjcat Very good about checking the skin! That's a help; and yes, I've toned down asking questions but sometimes they just pop out. The phrase "It sounds like you x" places a level between a bald question and a more delicate one.
@ahmijoy I suspect dementia and his coverage is VA which is thorough with multiple appointments monthly. I'm trying to think of what an aide would do - he bathes himself; medicates himself; dresses himself but doesn't notice/care about the urine stained pants, etc., so that's an issue. I grab the dirty pants whenever possible and it's a struggle to keep ahead because he wears them for days at a time, though he has plenty of clean ones.
Thanks, everyone for the specialized help! Merry Christmas to you!
Have you tried having an aide come in to help? Sometimes they will listen to an aide before they listen to us.
How about “The doctor told me I have to check your skin daily now, so we have to do it now in the bathroom. Let’s go.”