It's been eight months since my parents were placed in memory care.
My father and mother are not accepting that they can't go home. The therapeutic fib, when the doctors say you can is not working anymore.
They call me in a rage accusing me of putting them away, trying to take their money, etc.
What is the best way to deal with rage over the phone?
I am thinking about not answering the phone after 3:00 p.m. or blocking their number at night. I feel guilty about this.
Despite this knowledge, he will routinely wait to go 'put her to bed' until 9 pm sometimes. He dreads going and procrastinates it as long as he can.
I finally told him this was called "Sundowing' and it really was something they have to work at to avoid. Once she starts raging, it goes on for hours.
Of course, he doesn't believe anything I tell him, so if he chooses to wait until late to drug mom up--then he cannot complain to me the next day how ornery she is.
Also, giving her the meds late makes her sleep until 12-2 pm the next day. This throw off SIL's daily check in and help with her grooming. If she's dosed between 7-7:30 she sleeps better and does better during the day.
Luckily, she can no longer dial a phone nor answer one. So we don't get those endless phone calls. SIL gets texts from MIL's IPAd all day long--but DH doesn't have any contact in the day.
If he ever happens to have a bad 'rage' night--he goes out on the patio and leaves her alone in the house. I think that's the only way he can handle it.
I posted earlier on this thread. Thanks for your response to my questions.
I am glad that you have told the staff how your parents are behaving. They need to be aware of what’s going on.
Obviously, the staff taking their phone away hasn’t resolved this issue since they use other people’s phones.
Your parents may not be capable of relaxing in the evening on their own. I still feel like you should discuss meds again with their doctor.
I understand that you are concerned about them falling. I was always concerned about my mother falling. She had Parkinson’s disease.
Weigh the advantages of trying meds against what is going on now. At this point, everyone is miserable!
My mom was trying to walk out of the front door in the evenings. She was placed on Seroquel and Ativan and the roaming ceased.
I realize that your parents are in memory care and can’t escape. Still, they are quite agitated and restless.
Don’t you think that it’s worth a try to place them on meds just to see if this improves their situation. When their situation improves, so will yours.
I know that when I was in the middle of my caregiver days, I was so stressed out that I couldn’t think or see straight at times. I absolutely needed some objective advice from others. This forum was remarkable in giving me tips and solid advice.
Take a step back. Take a deep breath and really think about how the marvelous world of meds can help manage so many things. Possibly even this situation with your parents.
Best wishes to you and your family.
"You are no longer safe to care for yourself. And because your brain is not working well anymore you cannot understand that. I am so sorry. I so wish this were not true but it is. You will not be going home now. You will remain here. I hope you can make the best of that, and I understand if you cannot, and I understand if you hate me. I love you. I grieve for you. I am trying to keep you safe".
That's it.
As to being in memory care with phone access, I am pretty clear that doesn't work well. Phones should be removed at some point. Until that point, pretend it is the 50s. Stop taking your phone with you everywhere you are. Speak with them once a day, and not otherwise.
I am so sorry. As dear old Dr Laura says "Not everything can be fixed".
They're in memory care. No amount of explaining or reasoning is going to change anything at this point.
When they call the OP in a towering rage about being placed, trying to explain about brains not working well and it's not safe is about the same as standing on the beach trying to explain to the tide to stop coming in.
The OP's parents need to be given anti-anxiety medication at a certain time of day before their usual sundowning starts. This will help them to stay calm and will be a relief to the OP because she won't have to deal with the raging tirades every day.
It's a good idea for you to block their number at night or to refuse calls from them past 3pm.
BarbBrooklyn is right, this does sound like sundowning. Your parents getting enraged like they do all the time is not healthy for them. That kind of emotional upset can cause major setback in whatever levels of independence they may still have. It also makes the job of the people who do their caregiving a lot harder.
They should be given medication for this. A nice dose of Ativan at around the time the phone calls start. Talk to their doctor about it.
I would weigh the danger of falling against the damage to heart/BP/brain by allowing this extreme agitation to continue.
In short, this is not good for THEM. Work with a mental health professional who can prescribe something that helps with paranoia and agitation. Something like Seroquel may be indicated.
If their MC has an on-site administrator, ask for their recommendation for a behavioral specialist.
My LO had great difficulty adjusting until she was seen by a very effective behavioral psychiatrist who placed her on appropriately chosen medication and made recommendations to the staff about ways to manage outbursts.
The best way for me to handle “rage” was to say loudly “I LOVE YOU DEARLY AND I’LL BE VISITING SOON. TIME FOR BED! SLEEP WELL!”, then hang up.
Do they have their own phones? If so, why? You are under NO OBLIGATION to take phone calls in the middle of the night, and turning off your phone to those calls should NOT produce feelings of guilt. THEY need sleep, and YOU DO TOO.
Accusations made by victims of dementia are not at all unusual. You DO NOT have to take them to heart, and should not.
If your mother and father were loving, caring, responsible people when you were younger, you have been blessed with good memories.
Now, one of your own jobs as their caregiver is to cherish your memories of the past and also to realize that this is their present.
Very few residents of memory care units enter peacefully and without protest. Tragically, their rages and complaints have little to no connection to their current needs. Your matter of fact response to their complaints, your refusal to remain present and listen to the “rage”, your comfort level at turning on your heel and walking away, will not hurt them in the long run, and can help save your sanity and balance.
No “good” choices, and never “easy”. But in retrospect, I believe that what I learned to do was the best of my few reasonable options.
Take care of yourself. As a caregiver, you deserve good care too.
It would be nice if your parents were able to accept their situation. Perhaps they aren’t capable of understanding their reality. How long has it been since they have been in memory care?
I am sure that their phone calls are disturbing to you on several levels. You would love for them to be at peace with their situation.
Plus, you could relax if they weren’t stressed out. Of course, being accused of wanting their money or locking them away is upsetting as well.
Have you mentioned any of this to the staff at their facility? Do they have any suggestions on how to make this adjustment easier for them?
What would be helpful for you to adjust to their inability to accept their circumstances? Would it help if you discussed their behavior with the staff?
Please don’t feel any guilt. You haven’t done anything wrong. Take comfort in knowing that you have done your best by placing them where they need to be.
Go ahead and take a break from repetitive phone calls. You can always call the staff if you want information on how they are managing.
Set a time where you are up to speaking with your parents and know that is enough. Don’t allow them to rob you of your joy and peace.
There are other people on the forum that have experienced this with their parents. Stick around for responses from them.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
We have reviewed their medication. I don't want them to be at risk of falling.
I try to remain calm and sympathetic. Last night was bad! I had to hang up on my dad. I called him back a few minutes later.
I have watched various videos, including Teepa Snow.
Thank you for responding,