My mother has lived with my family for a year. Prior to that she lived directly next to us. Gradually she needed more attention and we had the right size house to make some modifications and move her in with us. She uses a walker and oxygen at all times. She is hard of hearing. She has arthritis.
My mom is an only child and has always needed a lot of care and attention. My dad did this until he died, and loved taking care of her. Gradually she has become more dependent and just lets us do everything. Her list of illnesses is long, and mostly self inflicted: years of inactivity, smoking and chocolate.
My sister has also made modifications to her home and my mother spends about a week a month with her. My sister is married, but they have no children. When she is there, my sister makes a schedule for her, including everything: even showering. She follows up, make charts, has a notebook and a calendar.
I am not willing to do that. I have a husband and our child (11) that I take care of. I cook for my mom, take her to all appointments, include her in family events, love her. But she is capable of taking care of herself more than she does. She is capable of showering without we reminding her. She is capable of walking out to the kitchen to heat of leftovers. She is capable of so much more than she will do.
My sister, while she doesn't say it, thinks I should also make a schedule, and such, for her. I'm not doing it. I resent that my mother is putting me in the position to be her mother, when it isn't necessary.
How do I motivate her, without becoming her mother?
There! Hope you feel better? :)
To widen your sister's perspective, Google "reablement" and share the principles with her. Your sister is teaching your mother helplessness. This is not respectful and will lead to your mother's quality of life deteriorating faster than it has to through natural aging.
I'm not sure you'll need to motivate your mother. You're treating her like a capable grown adult, which is what she is.
Having said that (and I hope made my position clear), a structure is not a bad idea for helping a person to maintain her own preferred normal routine. A weekly schedule for showering, hair washing etc. is fine; a daily schedule to prompt medications and monitor how well she's eating and drinking, good idea. But your mother can do her own. How would you feel about helping her set it up?
!
"You are right and your sister is wrong."
I really really like this supportive answer!
Nothing wrong with taking sides. I know there is more to your point CM, but I just really like the first part.
It is funny to me, because I got tired of being right a lot of the time, so I was hoping my sister could get things right more often.
Listen, I get it. I used to get so very irritated with my mom, when she had me do the things that I was pretty sure she was still capable of. Unlike how you describe your mom, however, my mom was very independent - until she wasn't. And I really resented it, when she became so much more dependent on me.
However, as time has gone by, I find myself wondering if I jumped to do things too quickly for my mom- mostly, because **I** didn't have the patience to wait for her to do the things that she could do for herself, albeit veeerrryyyy slowly. Maybe it would have been better for my mom to gently "force" her to do the things she could still do, but like you, I have kids, and a husband, and a job, and a home to look after, and I didn't want to "waste" time. To stand around and let my mom struggle to make a sandwich - for instance - something that would take me like, 2 minutes took her 20. And at the time, it seemed almost cruel, to let her struggle along, especially since I didn't have the patience to wait, and she didn't seem to mind letting me do it. And I knew that the chances of my mother having an epiphany towards the end of her life, saying "gee, maybe if I can do this for myself, I should" were slim to none. So I did what worked best for me, although it was aggravating as all get out!
Could it be that your sister has everything on a schedule so she can run her home more efficiently, while still forcing your mom's hands to do for herself? With no kids in the mix, she probably has more time on her side than you do, and less "wild card" factors that always seem to crop up with children, regardless of their ages.
Has your sister expressed displeasure in the way you take care of mom? I'm not talking about what you perceive - I'm talking about her actually coming out and telling you how you "should" do for mom? I know I was overly sensitive to everything while I was mom's caregiver, even to the point where I jumped to unfair conclusions about what I perceived to be people's expectations of what I "should" be doing.
If you're comfortable in the way you've been handling caregiving, then leave it be. Much like raising children, people have different ideologies with caregiving strategies, and it doesn't make one "right" and the other "wrong". Take care of mom in the way that is easiest for all of you mom included, and let your sister handle things her way.
If your sister is unwilling to take mother for the majority of the time, then you'll probably also have to have some kind of schedule for her to follow if you want to keep your household more manageable. My mother is very similar to yours; my father babied her something fierce for their entire 68 year marriage, so when he died, she was lost. Fortunately, I had both of them set up in Assisted Living by the time he passed away, so there is a staff to wait on her hand & foot now (in Memory Care) and she expects it, too. If she's not attended to immediately when she needs something, she has a total meltdown! Dad created a monster, really, and the staff at the MC is paying the price.
I seriously doubt you'll be able to 'train' your mother differently at this stage of the game. Your best bet, I believe, is to put the care & management of her onto your sister, if possible.
Good luck!
Such a common sense solution!
It is harder to care for a parent as a parent yourself. I did the same. I have two daughters.
I am not sure what to tell you. Do you wish to have your mom living with you or is it becoming too much? How are your son and husband dealing with her living in your home?
Honestly, I wish that I had looked into placement for my mom. We do sacrifice so much of our lives for them if they are living under our roof.
I lost my mom in April. I am glad that she is no longer suffering and I miss her terribly. Still, it is extremely difficult to be the primary caregiver.
Have you tried to have a discussion with your mom? Have called Council on Aging in your area for an assessment of her needs? Have you asked her doctor for the name of a social worker that can help you plan for your mom’s needs?
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Why is “reminding her” especially burdensome, if she ultimately does what you want her to do?
The scheduling and reminding is a means to an end. You remind, she does what you want, everybody wins.
You don’t remind, she doesn’t do what you want, you get mad, she has hurt feelings….
Do what’s easiest for you AND for her. Just be sure you are doing what’s really easiest for you.
Maybe, tell sister to send her list with mom so she has it to remind herself for her week with you.
Your husband and child come before your mom, whether anyone likes it or not, they are your 1st priority.