My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for 7 years now. We are 24 and I ( after a recent talk it has become apparent that only I feel this way that’s why I don’t say “we”) feel ready to take the next steps of getting engaged and moving in together already. We had talked about it many times and he has mentioned that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his grandma alone but still we had both come to the conclusion that we would get an apartment for ourselves. The reason that I want to live together alone with him is to really get a home for OURSELVES, a home where I could build up and decorate as my own home as well, instead of living with his grandma and not having that sense of home. I love and respect my boyfriend’s grandma but I don’t want to move in with her because, it’s HER home (and home of my boyfriend) and I would not feel like it is a home where I could make it feel mine too. I want to start my married life in the privacy and safety of a place that feels mine and my boyfriend’s. Up until yesterday I kept daydreaming and getting impatiently excited for that new beginning of ours that would be accomplished this year but after stringing me along for months he now said that he doesn’t think that we’ll move in somewhere alone because he doesn’t want to leave his grandma alone. It hurts to have been brought down to ground level after him letting my expectations for that plan fly for months but I commend him for being a good grandson. Still, I don’t want to move in with his grandma because if I move in, I know that his plans will be to stay there. It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents but we are still young and I would like to enjoy these young years alone with him. I don’t know what to do and I feel bad that I feel this way even though his love for his grandma is respectable. I don’t know what to do and so I am just broken hearted and frustrated at the heavy news. Again, I respect his grandma a lot but I really want to keep growing into my own person in the intimacy of my own home and not feel as a guest during these prime marriage years. I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision. Would it be wrong to let the grandma live by herself?
Your dreams are more robust than marriage. Pursue them and wait and see if this relationship survives. Be open to relationships with new men. Your boyfriend is not ready to transition out of his grandmother’s home for what may be good and valid reasons. You have no choice but to accept that your differences are irreconcilable at this point. If you acquiesce and move in, you will resent everyone in the household and your relationship will falter. You haven’t said why his mother can’t take care of him
or his grandmother but there is another red flag on this horizon.
Your boyfriend has been belatedly honest enough to say that he is not willing to commit to your goals. Pursue your own goals, educational and career objectives and personal growth instead. If you want to wait to see if things will work out, do so, but put yourself first as you decide whether this is really a man you can’t live without. Based upon what you’ve said, I wonder if this is really the person you should strive to be with for the rest of your life. You are young enough to find another man who shares your dreams and is in a position to work with you to make them happen.
If you love him and you think he is your future, continue to date him, but let him work this out with his family on his own. He has to find his voice with the other members of his family and not put you in the role of caregiving as a band-aide so the others don't have to do anything.
Pursue your own goals, live your life, get an apartment of your own and let this play out. If it is meant to work out, it will, but that can't be contingent on you moving in to help with grandma. It doesn't sound like he is ready to move out and be on his own. He needs to do that to be his own man before he moves in with you and you need to do the same.
I know that, at your age, you're worried that you won't meet someone else. Maybe you've seen your first gray hair and are thinking "who will I meet now?" Again, I know those thoughts because I've been there. What you don't realize is that you're at the prime age to be meeting new people and figuring out what you want in a partner. If you want kids, you easily have a decade or more to meet someone who will eventually become the father of your children. If you don't want kids, you have even longer. There is someone out there for you, someone who isn't reluctant to spend his life with you, someone who puts you first. Trust me on this.
You will be making a hard, grown up decision not to get roped into this situation. But it’s the right decision for you.
Breakups always suck big time. No way around that. But do not trap yourself where you ALREADY know you don’t want to be in his grandmas house.
You are young, and there will be other boyfriends. I know you don’t want to hear that, but trust in older peoples advice, 24 yrs is so very young to get saddled with elder care. Please move on. Stay strong, keep your eyes on your goals and your future.
That's an ugly possible scenario, but so many on this site speak of how time-consuming and backbreaking it is taking care of an elder in their own home, and how badly they need relief. Don't put a pretty toe inside that house.
Please don't waste your your young life being treated this way.
Time to focus on jobs, schooling, getting your own place, possibly finding a kind and good hearted husband who will love and respect you, and will put your needs first.
Your boyfriend doesn't want to get a place with you. He likes things the way they are and that will not change. He's using his grandmother as an excuse for why he won't make any real committment to you. He will let you become grandma's live-in caregiver when she will need one and God knows for how long that could be. He will not marry you though.
You're 24 years old and have your whole life ahead of you. Move on with it and find a man who wants a adult relationship and isn't afraid of committment.
You do not want to be a caregiver; you want to be married to your love and have your own life. Exactly the same way I (age 19) was when I first married my husband and his family thought they could ship their dad off to us to live with us and me take care of. He had emphysema. And it was like, NO!! I told my husband no. I don't think he wanted to either, but he was always eager to keep the peace and please everyone. But I think secretly he was glad that I was the one who said no.
So, I was very surprised when my "grandson-in-law" ( 25) announced he was getting married (she is 22) and he would live with her in her grandma's house. They are very happy. I don't understand it.
I spent a career as an RN, but am just now caregiver to Mom who is in her 90's for about 5 years. It's hard sometimes, but I am comfortable doing it now, but never ever could have done this at a younger age.
You are NOT selfish. You just want a different life, and that is good and fine. Hopefully, your boyfriend will change his mind, but if not, it is much better you find that out now, than being trapped in a life you do not want. I wish you a very good and happy life.
When 'the family' has an event at Grandma's big house, orchestrated by his Mother, gathering there, you will not be a guest, but a server, unable to 'not attend'.
The kitchen will be available at all times for grandma, you won't be able to cook, then eat, without cleaning up before you eat.
You cannot cook during when grandma is using her kitchen, because his Mom says.
Mother is so controlling that you are invited at the last minute to go to her house for dinner, 3-4 times per week, intermittently. She is, after all, doing you a favor. The groceries you just bought spoil in Grandma's refrigerator, so you won't be able to budget food properly. You cannot say No to the dinners, because (still boyfriend) already said yes, and Mother already cooked.
The Mother, not grandma, will invite a wayward brother to stay in the room across the hall from your room(s), no longer private. He will steal from you.
You cannot say no to him living there.
After Grandma goes to bed at 8:00, you must be very quiet.
On a Saturday morning, his Mother walks into your rooms, unannounced, and rustles the two of you out of bed at 9:00 a.m., saying, why are you still in bed, as she starts picking up your clothes off the floor.
When you discuss leaving to get a place of your own, he cancels at the last minute, after checking with Mom. You have an argument, and (still boyfriend) pushes you so you almost fall down the stairs. It does not occur to you that boyfriend is employed by Mom & Dad's business, and is not free to have a life.
Sounds like a 'Dallas' soap opera, doesn't it?
The next morning, the Mother appears on scene to take you to her doctor for your depression. The doctor tells you to leave immediately.
You are not in control, Mother is.
some family members are tyrants - and they behave much worse the more time you spend with them.
it's often an older woman against a younger woman.
but of course, tyrants can be both female/male.
I dated my first husband for almost ten years. I didn't want to get married. More truthfully is I didn't want to get married to him. I did and we were divorced soon after because it was wrong. It was wrong to marry him and wrong to have strung him along in all those years of dating. So I let him go. He found a good woman and remarried not long after and good for him. I was very happy for him and still am. We're friends and that's what we were supposed to be all along.
He sounds like a mama's boy, and easily controlled by them. He doesn't sound ready to get married. If his parents were any kind of parents, they would encourage their son to fly the coop and live on his own.
Once you marry someone and you establish your boundaries with each others families, THEN, you can step in and help. Otherwise, you will be in for a surprise you didn't ask for. He needs to grow up, and so do you.
Talk to him about this. Tell him you are going to get your own place, and the ball is in his court. If he is ALL Grandma had, it would be different. But that doesn't sound like the case here.
Since he is “the last of his family to take care of her” I wonder what the reasons are. Are her children/his parents still working and no one is retired?
Is you boyfriend the youngest?
Do they financially help him?
Does grandmother get social security?
Is there not enough money to properly pay for her to be cared for?
Is her house hers and paid off?
Does she have a trust? And if so what does it say….all of it.
Will he offer you a fair written agreement to your benefit?
You do not end up being the 90% caregiver without chance of sultivating your own career. He cannot have that level of freedom.
As for how it could possibly benefit you: If you have a legally dated agreement, notary stamped….
You and boyfriend set up all elements legally before you pack a paper bag to move in.
You establish how you will have your own personal income and/or education ( you can do it online ) in writing. Notary.
You establish the expectation of respect and proper human treatment from “all’ of his family, Grandma inclluded. In writing. Notary.
You establish how the two of you will have privacy and “date nights”. In writing. Notary.
You work at creating a realistic future that benefits you both independently and as a couple. In writing. Notary.
You have your own private savings account that You are not obligated to share with him. In writing. Notary.
( Go to your bank where you are a customer for Notary Services. A small fee. )
There are so many more points I would like to metion. But I write this out because it is clear that you want to deal with him, but his first loyalty should be to you and your future together. Keep in mind that taking care of his grandmother could possible be of benefit to you if she leaves you ( or both of you ) her paid for house. The rest of the family can work out their own financial futures.
And yes….you are too young to be so deeply connected to a young man with estabished ties. At 24, it may not feel like you are “too young” but life is to be lived and not sacrificed unless it is a healthy choice you make.
I live in the midst of a culture where “family is everything” and there are families with many children, aunties, uncles, grandparents and there is a specific kind of love involved. I myself was not born and raised in that type of mindset, but I do appreciate certain elements of that and have learned much from that demo of living. I left home at 20 yrs old and allowed myself to be tied to a dominating, experienced man. Years passed and although I have since long ago left and have a better life. But I will never get back the years I wasted and will never get back the growth I could have had. Life can be really good, but “life” is work….so make it work for you at nobody else’s expense in whatever road you take. You are smart enough to question your situation now so you you stand a great chance of having the control over your own life that you should. Let everyone know how things work out!
Wishing you Strength & Confidence🙏. (())