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I feel guilty as heck but I didnt envision my retirement this way. I just want to stop having to be responsible for an elderly parent. I often times think i will die before she does. Will this ever end?
You can't bring yourself to put her in a facility where she'd have 24/7 care, a nurse onsite at all times, three attractive meals a day served in a lovely dining room where she'll sit with her new friends, where she will go on planned outings in the minivan (like to get ice cream), where many people will greet her by name every day, where live entertainment is provided as well as onsite church services, where she will go to the activity center for crafts and for physical exercise, bingo, and all sorts of wonderful things for her level of abilities and condition. And where her helpers are all professionals who are devoted to her care.
You want to keep her at home where maybe you sit together and watch the same old boring TV shows from 1963, and no activity happens unless planned by you, but you are too tired to do it (which goes with the territory; I know because I've been there).
Your retirement could be a lot better if you'd let it. Stop depriving mom of a place that would be better for her and also you! Go visit some assisted living places. Today's ALs are NOT your granny's nursing home.
Aassisted living wouldn't be enough assistance for her. She's beyond that point. But she's not in need of skilled nursing either. Shes had dementia for several years. Mom wanted her and my dad to go into assisted living several years ago but my sister told her "If you go into one of those places that means you don't care about me not having a life bc I will have to be there 24/7 to make sure nothing happens to you." So they didn't go. Are you beginning to get the picture?
Valentine15 5 min ago You're right. She is having health issues. I just got a new phone. I haven't been able to post anything for months bc I apparently had a virus in my phone and every time I would try to post my phone went haywire. But as I said, she fell and broke her wrist and she's also having digestive issues, etc. It's prob stress related but her main concern is still our mom. I do believe she is in the martyr category at this point. So now it's a bit of a three ring circus with me doing overnight for our mom, outside caregivers during the day and possibly even my husband filling in if need be. I'm just holding on knowing this can't go on forever. Sooner or later something is gonna give. And I refuse to let it be my health.
Well, I’m not really sure how you can refuse to let this affect your health because if that is going to happen, it’s going to happen whether you like it or not.
My friend is overseeing the care of her aunt and uncle because her cousin (their only child) dropped dead years ago from the stress of having to take care of both of her parents.
and BTW, it can go on “forever”… Golda’s mom lived to 109 years old.
Year 6 of my 91yr old moms needs..I gave up my retirement dreams..she was having a fun life at 73. I have chosen to help her, visit her etc. Somedays I also feel it may never end..My moms physically strong but mentally gone..I will be 83 when she is 100. We think she may live to 100! She has no serious diseases. I might add just because they are in a memory care does not mean your life is all your own…You need to manage the managed care!! P.S. sometimes there is only one family member well enough to take of the moms needs! Good Luck..
There is no way I could do what you're doing for 25 yrs. I'm struggling going on 10 yrs. I had to set some boundaries and let some things go and a lot of times hope for the best. Please give yourself a rest, and truly take care of yourself.
I can relate! I'll be 60 in October, and I feel like I've given up my golden years to live with elderly parents. It's upsetting when I think of how much travel and excitement my parents got to experience. They want to age in their homes, but I wish they would consider the toll it takes and the sacrifices of their child. There's so much guilt involved on my part. We need to learn to advocate for ourselves. I went from 24/7 with no respite care for years, ended up having an actual breakdown, spending two weeks in the hospital and relapsing after years of sobriety. Now I take off 3 days and three nights per week. However, I can never go anywhere because my husband and I need to be available for the phone call that she has fallen and needs help. We live about 5 minutes away. At some point we need to ask ourselves "at what price?" I often wonder what goes through her mind. Does she ever feel bad that I don't live with my husband full time, that I can't take vacations or travel like she did, that my friendships have suffered terribly? I'm not honest about how I feel because I don't want her to feel bad. It's always operation "keep mom in good spirits." She hates when I leave her, and I have to explain that I have a marriage to maintain. Her blood work is as good as mine almost. And this poor woman is so ready to go. All she has in life is family company and her iPad. She's nearly blind and has very limited mobility. I wish I had an answer for you, but I just thought I would commiserate. 😅 I feel like this is not sustainable in our society, and our government does very little to help. A big downside is not having wages paid into our social security. Then what? When I committed to this, I have no idea how long it would last or what toll it would take. I don't have children, but if I did I would never ask this of a child. I won't even mention how much money she's burning through. Private caregivers are expensive! But it's her money. She's 92, my stepdad has passed, and I see absolutely no end in sight. I love her so much, I just can't bring myself to put her in a facility. Trying to find responsible and caring caregivers is SO DIFFICULT in my area. At this moment I'm typing up a new care giving task list. I'm convinced that the new caregiver is suffering from memory loss. But she's nice, so I really want to work with her to improve. I know I'm picky, but I find myself accepting substandard work. I'm at the point where I only correct the most important items that relate to her health and welfare. I'm tired of being a maid and picking up after their messes. And I'm scared if I am anything but "extremely nice," my mom will pay the consequences. Anyway, good luck to you. I think there are many of us suffering through this. Maybe it's a generational thing. We have to be careful who we put in political office. Hopefully some of this shortfall can be addressed in the future. I have visited live-in facilities in my area of Louisiana. I've left in tears. Perhaps if you're a multi-multi-millionaire, nice facilities are available. Take care. God bless. Hang in there.
Check with the Department of Aging and see if there are respite services that are available. My aunt was widowed and retired and she was a caregiver to her mother with advanced dementia. She would put her mother in respite for a couple of weeks to get some rest. Her mother passed and my Aunt T developed emphysema from years of smoking. So, she did not enjoy her life after my uncle died. She passed in 1994. My uncle died in 1980.
Relatives are famous for setting standards on others for taking care of elderly. This may work for a while, but it will come a time when it is time for placement. This is best for the both of you. Please try to get some enjoyment out of life.
Absolutely. And if you get push back, get Oh it's OK for YOU to go on holidays.. when you want.. etc that's when you have the Hard Chat (again) that Sister is choosing what she does. That SHE is in charge of HER life. If she has put her Mother in charge of her life - that is also her choice.
My Mom is gone now, but while caregiving I was friends with two others caring for their Mom's. Both were in their early 60's and their Mom's were in their 90's. Both of them passed away recently.
The male friend died unexpectedly while still caregiving. His Mom is now in a Nursing Home. The female friend died 49 days after her 93 old Mom died. Both caregivers left families behind and children/grandchildren who need them.
Both caregivers did 24/7 caregiving with no outside assistance.
It's unfair to lose your life over this. I didn't think I would make it. But, somehow I got through it. At great cost both mentally and physically. And, no I would not do it again. That is what Nursing Homes are for.
I suggest your Mom goes to a nice Nursing Home or Assisted Living if she can afford it - and you start to enjoy your life again. 25 years is way too much. If that's not an option for you, then use her money to pay for visiting caregivers to assist you. Time off should not be a luxury. You matter, too!
I am burnt out too. My mom is different than the mom I remember. She barks out orders, is demanding, cries and swears when she is angry. It is hard not to feel like your life is passing you by as you care for your elderly parent.
Yes, your life IS passing you by. This demanding person is NOT the 'mom you remember'. Find a different type of care that doesn't involve you being sworn at.
Reading this and the responses has been the most disturbing part of my day. I really hope everyone on here gets a chance to be in their parent's shoes one day. What is the world coming to?
Valentine15: I feel for you. I've only had my mother for 5 years and I am going bonkers. As far as your parent outliving you is one I think about a lot. You want a life; I want a life. I don't want my mother to die, but it would surely take away her pain and let me live again. I just had a birthday, so I'm now 71. Then I read in the paper that we lost another classmate. Life is passing me by. I don't have any suggestions for you, just that I commiserate with you and have a great deal of empathy for those in our situations.
Put her in a nursing home, memory care, or AL. At your age (71) how many good years do you think you have left?
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Valentine who's had the yoke of care-slavery around her neck for the last 25 years with her mother.
Take the metaphorical 'gold watch' and retire from caregiving. Five years is long enough. Take back your life. You deserve caregiver retirement. It comes with a pension too. Your pension is time. Time to enjoy your life. Time to go places and have fun socializing. Time to do fun active senior things like go on cruises and play bridge.
There are people whose job it is to take care of your mother. They are who staffs care facilities or they staff a person's home. I was one of these people for 25 years and not I'm the boss of people like this.
I did caregiving for my mother and it was the most miserable time of my life. More miserable even then post-divorce when I was living cross country, barely making the rent, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. I was more miserable being chained to care slavery for my mother.
I'm in an office now usually six days a week for the business. It's hard and long hours, but I'm happy. You deserve to be happy too.
I beg to differ. I was a caregiver to my ex-husband the last year of his life. It was hard physically and mentally caring for him. It was heart-breaking to see pain and disease ravage my once beautiful, golden-haired Adonis to an emaciated skeleton. When he couldn't suffer anymore, Death took him for his own.
Being a caregiver to my miserable, abusive mother was a thousand times worse than even this was. Even now, she's really not all that bad off. She needs some help and her actual care needs would be easy if she wasn't such a miserable, negative, abusive person.
Your sister said that your mum is as much your responsibility as she is hers. Fine. Yet, being responsible doesn't mean sacrificing your life for hers. That's not responsibility: that's martyrdom.
Furthermore, your sister isn't acting responsibly. If she were, she wouldn't be jeopardising her own health, or compromising yours, by giving all her strength and wellbeing to your mum, and expecting you to do the same.
Taking responsibility would be placing your mum into a suitable facility and ensuring that she gets the care she needs. It would be accepting that quality of life comes first, over and above quantity.
Stop accepting your sister's version of what responsibility, love and care look like. Stand up for yourself, for your mum and, indeed, for your sister. This isn't a healthy situation.
It’s a harsh reality but true. Expense sometimes limits what resources are available. I’m taking care of my mother 87yr. She had a stroke 1 1/2 years ago and has been with us (my husband and I) since. It is the hardest thing I’ve done. I raised two children and that was a lot of work but with a lot of happy times and joy. It’s so very different now. I know self care is monumental but easier said than done. I empathize with everyone in our position.
Seems like you considered your caregiver role would be a sprint instead of the marathon. Consider what you gave up to be a caregiver and what needs come back into your life. Get help from others to help lighten your load. If you can no longer be a caregiver, please have your loved one placed into the care of a long term facility that can meet their needs and is kind.
OH and to answer your question - I am also tired of being responsible for my elderly parent. She's 81 but old for her age and not doing so well. Currently in rehab and will transition to LTC once she's "ready". I've been providing care for her for almost 10 years - first just general things at my home, then she started having cognitive issues, then need to place her for my sanity and to have time to spend with my kids and grandkids. It's not easy, but you have to pull away to be able to live your own life.
It's too bad that you are afraid of conflict with your sister. She is being ridiculous and you don't have to feed and support her difficult and demanding schedule for your mom's care.
This could go on for YEARS. It's time to stand up to your sister. Well, more like stand up for yourself. You can be kind and gentle but you have to tell her that you're not OK with continuing with this level of care. She needs to hire someone to help instead of relying on you.
There are many many times that siblings don't agree and only one takes care of the parent. The only reason she can do as much as she is is because of you doing what she wants you to do.
It’s been 13yrs, the last 3 she’s been bedridden. I feel guilty and sad, but I just moved her to a residential home. It’s not cheap. I just can’t do it anymore. She’s 85 bedbound and some dementia
Please work at ditching the guilt. It isn't appropriate and it isn't serving you. Sadness is understandable, but you don't need to be sad forever. Lead your life, which is what (I'd imagine) your mum brought you up to do.
That’s super long. I’m only on 11 yrs. the thing that’s different about this job is you can’t quit or barely get a vacation. It’s indentured servitude with love and commitment of course when I get free, I’ll definitely forgo any new opportunities for caregiving. Worst nightmare is immediate imprisonment to a new helpless human being. This really makes you think about prior lives and reincarnation, karmic debts being paid…etc i am caring for a stepfather who outlived all his kids. I cared for my own biological parents too. All others from my generation have passed. It’s just me. I’ll be 62 in January and have three grandkids under five. They’re a joy. They’re my respite. (Still exhausting, of course ) I still count my blessings. He is still “with it” and we have lots of laughs. I just make every day special like it’s his last. It has taught me to appreciate every moment. He’ll be 96 Monday.
Love your succinct description of the “job” - “you can’t quit and barely get a vacation.” But I also like your attitude and ability to find some joy in it.
Please for your own sake put a stop to this insanity today. There is no reason why any adult child has to pay one cent out of pocket for their parents' or spouse's care.
If an aging parent or spouse is low-income they qualify for Medicaid. Maybe they have a house that has to be sold and 'spent-down' paying for facility care. Then sell it and place the person. People constantly go on about the nonsense that their LO has too much income for Medicaid. No they don't. Their monthly income gets spend down on their care along with their other assets like real estate or insurance policies. Then when it's gone, Medicaid takes over.
Believe me it's worth it to forgo any potential inheritances and just place the person and take your life back.
For those of us who were parenting the parent from a young age, it goes on and on. I’m sure it’s no different for those who have a parent who starts to fail at a young age. It consumes your life, your other relationships, your brain. There are things we can do to help ourselves though. You MUST carve out time for yourself, even if you have to hire someone to stay with your mother while you’re away. Find an adult daycare. If she’s in a facility and you have the means, take a vacation. Go alone if you must, but get away. If you have faith, lean into it heavily. If you don’t have faith, consider it. Find a support group, it’s the most tangible way to see that you’re not alone, far from it. And most importantly of all, protect your peace and your health. Do everything in your power to support your well-being. The smallest things can help. I found a few apps that have helped me get a good night’s sleep again. It is amazing how much stronger we feel emotionally when we have adequate rest. Wishing you peace.
That is a long time so sincere Congratulations on coping for this time. It’s now caught up with you and you need a break and some quality me time do you have any relatives that could help - can you speak to the doctor who must have lots of cases like yours and maybe ( should) be able to provide contacts to help you hang in there and look if there are any options thats a very long time and you must be tired - physically and mentally /emotionally You can’t be there for someone all of the time Look at what options are available and do take any up you can care but you need a life as well
I know of people who have died before the person they were taking care of...it sucks the life out of you. You are entitled to a retirement yourself. I don't know the particulars of your situation...level of care your parent needs, their finances, etc, but you should try to find a facility for this last segment of her life.
My mom is in memory care and there is still a lot to manage and stress about. Laundry missing, her monthly banking needs because of the miller trust, medicaid filings and bills, her health (she recently had covid again and was isolated) which caused her to decline even more. Spending time with her even though she doesn't know who I am and feeling like crap after leaving there because it's traumatic to watch. It's exhausting even if they aren't in your home.
Try to find other solutions and save yourself. There is no prize at the end of this.
This! Yes! Thank you! My mom’s been in MC for 4 years - thank god!!! - and I’ve been The One in Charge and I swear I feel crazier than she is. All she worries about is when lunch is. Meanwhile oh the emergencies and situations. Been doing parent care management and my mom for 8 yrs now.
Someone coined the term, ‘emotional hangover’ for the feeling after being with a difficult LO , and that feels so appropriate. I’ve started taking a ukelele with me to every visit , she likes the music but I swear it’s for my own scraps of remaining sanity. I just make up songs on the fly.
You are the only one who makes guilt or lets it go. You have your own life so live it. There is nothing wrong with caring for someone but don’t let it consume you own life and individuality. There are many options for caregiving and experience has shown that alternatives may be better than your own.
Enough is enough, Valentine. There's two choices here.
1) The elderly parent goes into AL or whatever type residential facility is right for their needs.
2) A live-in caregiver moves in and the elderly parent pays for it.
These are the only choices you should be willing to accept.
It's time for you to retire after 25 years of caregiving and accept the metaphorical 'gold watch' which is you get your life back and can actually enjoy your retirement.
It's okay if you see your mother as your responsibility. That doesn't mean that you have to be a care slave. That doesn't mean that you personally have to meet all of her needs and make her happy.
Your responsibility is making sure she has a safe, clean place to live. To make sure she receives necessary medical care and decent food. This responsibility can easily be met in AL or any other care facility.
Assisted Living is inevitable. You cannot continue this way. I love my parents, but had to place them into Personal Care Homes. I cannot imagine 25 years of caring for them. You sacrificed so much already. Please speak to your local resources and an Elder Care Attorney.
Valentine15, you state in one of your responses that your sister reminded you that your mother is as much your responsibility as hers. Placing mother in a care setting which meets her needs is being responsible. If the sister chooses to care for her in her home, that is a choice she has made. You are not obligated to follow the same care routine, unless you want to. Let your sister know that this is becoming too much of a burden for you (perhaps it's becoming too much of a burden for her as well) and it's time to discuss other care options. Let her know you are no longer going to be available to provide care for your mother in her home. If sister wants to continue, that is her choice. She can try to hire help and keep her at home, or acquiesce to finding a care facility. It sounds like she is burning out. It is not uncommon to allow caregiving to become your identity. After caring for someone for so many years, she fears her mother's death will leave her lost and wondering what to do next with her life. I would urge her to seek emotional therapy.
You are absolutely on-point with your advice, especially regarding cargivers becoming identified with their role, and then lost later in life. Now is the time to slowly change that path.
We need more information to respond to be of support: - what is your situation: age? living at home with parent? work? in school? have your own family?
- Finances: Can parent afford caregivers to support you - so you can get some time off? -- What is parent's financial situation re medi-care, medi-caid etc? -- Does parent own a home?
- If you are falling apart / having a breakdown of sorts, you will not be able to care for an elderly parent yourself. 'forever'. You need breaks, respites - from a few hours a week, 2-3 days a week (off), or 1-2 weeks off every few months.
You cannot run on empty and need to make adjustments 'somehow.'
- what are the 'exact' needs of your parent ... needing your help for 25 years? Is this a long term disablity? disease? Can they talk, walk? What are their limitations?
- Work through your GUILT in therapy if needed. It will ruin your life. - You need to figure out what is behind the guilt - for you to be doing this for 25 years. - What have you been doing to take care of yourself during these 25 years? - It is possible that 'this is your life' until their demise if you do not change how you think about your responsibilities and yourself. - Do you feel you deserve a 'better' life? If you do, how can you make changes to move towards what you want for yourself? - You need to 'scramble' up your thinking processes as you are on 'automatic' (or so it appears doing this for so long). Changing what you are doing will be hard although it will be up to you to decide how to proceed (get into therapy to sort this all out). Often our behavior(s) reflect a life-long pattern of behavior w a parent - it takes gut wrenching 'inner work' to process through it all - and perhaps realize that 'yes, I deserve a life, TOO.' And, that is the first step to creating a (new) life. Realizing you can.
“Mom is as much my responsibility as she is hers”. Fair enough. So making decisions on what should happen, is as much your right as it is hers. You need to come up with a plan that provides care for M without taking away your life. That’s your right, and making the inquiries about it means that you are being responsible. If Sis turns it down and chooses martyrdom, that’s her right. But it isn’t her right to make you do what she wants, just like it isn’t your right to force her to follow your own plan and walk away from martyrdom.
What happens if Sis dies first? What’s her plan then? Does she understand that you won’t take on her martyr mantle?
If you are too scared of Sis’s meltdown to stand up for yourself, this will indeed ‘never end’ – unless you or Sis die before M.
Hopefully some of these replies have started to lift a little fog from your eyes.
Fear. Of damaging your relationship with your sister. Obligation. To provide help to Mom because sister does so much. Guilt. As above, plus "lot of guilt trips when I stand up to her"
It's all wrapped up together & can be hard to unpick.
With practice I started to be able to see the patterns better.
I saw that my family was a little stuck in *family only must help*. Based on fear of strangers.
I saw people taking on responsibilty that was never theirs. Obligations were just assumptions, not fact.
I saw quiet people avoiding the unpleasantness of confrontation - saying a yes instead of the potential drama/guilt tripping of no.
It's OK if your sister wants to be Mom's #1 caregiver. If her values lean her towards martyrdom even.
However, it's not OK for her to control your life.
There are many ways to proceed. In your own time, at your own pace. From cold turkey I quit! To a gradual cutting back, being less available.
I have heard of a very quiet way to quit by filing up your time up a new interest eg new job, volunteer role, study, craft or exercise group.
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You want to keep her at home where maybe you sit together and watch the same old boring TV shows from 1963, and no activity happens unless planned by you, but you are too tired to do it (which goes with the territory; I know because I've been there).
Your retirement could be a lot better if you'd let it. Stop depriving mom of a place that would be better for her and also you! Go visit some assisted living places. Today's ALs are NOT your granny's nursing home.
Valentine15
5 min ago
You're right. She is having health issues. I just got a new phone. I haven't been able to post anything for months bc I apparently had a virus in my phone and every time I would try to post my phone went haywire. But as I said, she fell and broke her wrist and she's also having digestive issues, etc. It's prob stress related but her main concern is still our mom. I do believe she is in the martyr category at this point. So now it's a bit of a three ring circus with me doing overnight for our mom, outside caregivers during the day and possibly even my husband filling in if need be. I'm just holding on knowing this can't go on forever. Sooner or later something is gonna give. And I refuse to let it be my health.
My friend is overseeing the care of her aunt and uncle because her cousin (their only child) dropped dead years ago from the stress of having to take care of both of her parents.
and BTW, it can go on “forever”… Golda’s mom lived to 109 years old.
Please give yourself a rest, and truly take care of yourself.
I wish I had an answer for you, but I just thought I would commiserate. 😅 I feel like this is not sustainable in our society, and our government does very little to help. A big downside is not having wages paid into our social security. Then what? When I committed to this, I have no idea how long it would last or what toll it would take. I don't have children, but if I did I would never ask this of a child. I won't even mention how much money she's burning through. Private caregivers are expensive! But it's her money. She's 92, my stepdad has passed, and I see absolutely no end in sight. I love her so much, I just can't bring myself to put her in a facility. Trying to find responsible and caring caregivers is SO DIFFICULT in my area. At this moment I'm typing up a new care giving task list. I'm convinced that the new caregiver is suffering from memory loss. But she's nice, so I really want to work with her to improve. I know I'm picky, but I find myself accepting substandard work. I'm at the point where I only correct the most important items that relate to her health and welfare. I'm tired of being a maid and picking up after their messes. And I'm scared if I am anything but "extremely nice," my mom will pay the consequences. Anyway, good luck to you. I think there are many of us suffering through this. Maybe it's a generational thing. We have to be careful who we put in political office. Hopefully some of this shortfall can be addressed in the future. I have visited live-in facilities in my area of Louisiana. I've left in tears. Perhaps if you're a multi-multi-millionaire, nice facilities are available. Take care. God bless. Hang in there.
Relatives are famous for setting standards on others for taking care of elderly. This may work for a while, but it will come a time when it is time for placement. This is best for the both of you. Please try to get some enjoyment out of life.
And if you get push back, get Oh it's OK for YOU to go on holidays.. when you want.. etc that's when you have the Hard Chat (again) that Sister is choosing what she does. That SHE is in charge of HER life. If she has put her Mother in charge of her life - that is also her choice.
The male friend died unexpectedly while still caregiving. His Mom is now in a Nursing Home. The female friend died 49 days after her 93 old Mom died. Both caregivers left families behind and children/grandchildren who need them.
Both caregivers did 24/7 caregiving with no outside assistance.
It's unfair to lose your life over this. I didn't think I would make it. But, somehow I got through it. At great cost both mentally and physically. And, no I would not do it again. That is what Nursing Homes are for.
I suggest your Mom goes to a nice Nursing Home or Assisted Living if she can afford it - and you start to enjoy your life again. 25 years is way too much. If that's not an option for you, then use her money to pay for visiting caregivers to assist you. Time off should not be a luxury. You matter, too!
Tell us how it's going and how you feel about it.
Put her in a nursing home, memory care, or AL. At your age (71) how many good years do you think you have left?
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Valentine who's had the yoke of care-slavery around her neck for the last 25 years with her mother.
Take the metaphorical 'gold watch' and retire from caregiving. Five years is long enough. Take back your life. You deserve caregiver retirement. It comes with a pension too. Your pension is time. Time to enjoy your life. Time to go places and have fun socializing. Time to do fun active senior things like go on cruises and play bridge.
There are people whose job it is to take care of your mother. They are who staffs care facilities or they staff a person's home. I was one of these people for 25 years and not I'm the boss of people like this.
I did caregiving for my mother and it was the most miserable time of my life. More miserable even then post-divorce when I was living cross country, barely making the rent, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. I was more miserable being chained to care slavery for my mother.
I'm in an office now usually six days a week for the business. It's hard and long hours, but I'm happy. You deserve to be happy too.
I beg to differ. I was a caregiver to my ex-husband the last year of his life. It was hard physically and mentally caring for him. It was heart-breaking to see pain and disease ravage my once beautiful, golden-haired Adonis to an emaciated skeleton. When he couldn't suffer anymore, Death took him for his own.
Being a caregiver to my miserable, abusive mother was a thousand times worse than even this was. Even now, she's really not all that bad off. She needs some help and her actual care needs would be easy if she wasn't such a miserable, negative, abusive person.
Fine. Yet, being responsible doesn't mean sacrificing your life for hers. That's not responsibility: that's martyrdom.
Furthermore, your sister isn't acting responsibly. If she were, she wouldn't be jeopardising her own health, or compromising yours, by giving all her strength and wellbeing to your mum, and expecting you to do the same.
Taking responsibility would be placing your mum into a suitable facility and ensuring that she gets the care she needs. It would be accepting that quality of life comes first, over and above quantity.
Stop accepting your sister's version of what responsibility, love and care look like. Stand up for yourself, for your mum and, indeed, for your sister. This isn't a healthy situation.
It's too bad that you are afraid of conflict with your sister. She is being ridiculous and you don't have to feed and support her difficult and demanding schedule for your mom's care.
This could go on for YEARS. It's time to stand up to your sister. Well, more like stand up for yourself. You can be kind and gentle but you have to tell her that you're not OK with continuing with this level of care. She needs to hire someone to help instead of relying on you.
There are many many times that siblings don't agree and only one takes care of the parent. The only reason she can do as much as she is is because of you doing what she wants you to do.
Time to put you, and your retirement, first.
Sadness is understandable, but you don't need to be sad forever.
Lead your life, which is what (I'd imagine) your mum brought you up to do.
the thing that’s different about this job is you can’t quit or barely get a vacation. It’s indentured servitude with love and commitment of course
when I get free, I’ll definitely forgo any new opportunities for caregiving. Worst nightmare is immediate imprisonment to a new helpless human being. This really makes you think about prior lives and reincarnation, karmic debts being paid…etc
i am caring for a stepfather who outlived all his kids. I cared for my own biological parents too. All others from my generation have passed. It’s just me. I’ll be 62 in January and have three grandkids under five. They’re a joy. They’re my respite. (Still exhausting, of course )
I still count my blessings. He is still “with it” and we have lots of laughs. I just make every day special like it’s his last. It has taught me to appreciate every moment. He’ll be 96 Monday.
Please for your own sake put a stop to this insanity today. There is no reason why any adult child has to pay one cent out of pocket for their parents' or spouse's care.
If an aging parent or spouse is low-income they qualify for Medicaid. Maybe they have a house that has to be sold and 'spent-down' paying for facility care. Then sell it and place the person. People constantly go on about the nonsense that their LO has too much income for Medicaid. No they don't. Their monthly income gets spend down on their care along with their other assets like real estate or insurance policies. Then when it's gone, Medicaid takes over.
Believe me it's worth it to forgo any potential inheritances and just place the person and take your life back.
do you have any relatives that could help - can you speak to the doctor who must have lots of cases like yours and maybe ( should) be able to provide contacts to help you
hang in there and look if there are any options
thats a very long time and you must be tired - physically and mentally /emotionally
You can’t be there for someone all of the time
Look at what options are available and do take any up
you can care but you need a life as well
My mom is in memory care and there is still a lot to manage and stress about. Laundry missing, her monthly banking needs because of the miller trust, medicaid filings and bills, her health (she recently had covid again and was isolated) which caused her to decline even more. Spending time with her even though she doesn't know who I am and feeling like crap after leaving there because it's traumatic to watch. It's exhausting even if they aren't in your home.
Try to find other solutions and save yourself. There is no prize at the end of this.
Someone coined the term, ‘emotional hangover’ for the feeling after being with a difficult LO , and that feels so appropriate. I’ve started taking a ukelele with me to every visit , she likes the music but I swear it’s for my own scraps of remaining sanity. I just make up songs on the fly.
It is a looong road leading to bleah
1) The elderly parent goes into AL or whatever type residential facility is right for their needs.
2) A live-in caregiver moves in and the elderly parent pays for it.
These are the only choices you should be willing to accept.
It's time for you to retire after 25 years of caregiving and accept the metaphorical 'gold watch' which is you get your life back and can actually enjoy your retirement.
It's okay if you see your mother as your responsibility. That doesn't mean that you have to be a care slave. That doesn't mean that you personally have to meet all of her needs and make her happy.
Your responsibility is making sure she has a safe, clean place to live. To make sure she receives necessary medical care and decent food.
This responsibility can easily be met in AL or any other care facility.
Placing mother in a care setting which meets her needs is being responsible.
If the sister chooses to care for her in her home, that is a choice she has made. You are not obligated to follow the same care routine, unless you want to.
Let your sister know that this is becoming too much of a burden for you (perhaps it's becoming too much of a burden for her as well) and it's time to discuss other care options. Let her know you are no longer going to be available to provide care for your mother in her home. If sister wants to continue, that is her choice.
She can try to hire help and keep her at home, or acquiesce to finding a care facility. It sounds like she is burning out. It is not uncommon to allow caregiving to become your identity. After caring for someone for so many years, she fears her mother's death will leave her lost and wondering what to do next with her life. I would urge her to seek emotional therapy.
- what is your situation: age? living at home with parent? work? in school? have your own family?
- Finances: Can parent afford caregivers to support you - so you can get some time off?
-- What is parent's financial situation re medi-care, medi-caid etc?
-- Does parent own a home?
- If you are falling apart / having a breakdown of sorts, you will not be able to care for an elderly parent yourself. 'forever'. You need breaks, respites - from a few hours a week, 2-3 days a week (off), or 1-2 weeks off every few months.
You cannot run on empty and need to make adjustments 'somehow.'
- what are the 'exact' needs of your parent ... needing your help for 25 years? Is this a long term disablity? disease? Can they talk, walk? What are their limitations?
- Work through your GUILT in therapy if needed. It will ruin your life.
- You need to figure out what is behind the guilt - for you to be doing this for 25 years.
- What have you been doing to take care of yourself during these 25 years?
- It is possible that 'this is your life' until their demise if you do not change how you think about your responsibilities and yourself.
- Do you feel you deserve a 'better' life? If you do, how can you make changes to move towards what you want for yourself?
- You need to 'scramble' up your thinking processes as you are on 'automatic' (or so it appears doing this for so long). Changing what you are doing will be hard although it will be up to you to decide how to proceed (get into therapy to sort this all out). Often our behavior(s) reflect a life-long pattern of behavior w a parent - it takes gut wrenching 'inner work' to process through it all - and perhaps realize that 'yes, I deserve a life, TOO.' And, that is the first step to creating a (new) life. Realizing you can.
Gena / Touch Matters
What happens if Sis dies first? What’s her plan then? Does she understand that you won’t take on her martyr mantle?
If you are too scared of Sis’s meltdown to stand up for yourself, this will indeed ‘never end’ – unless you or Sis die before M.
Fear. Of damaging your relationship with your sister.
Obligation. To provide help to Mom because sister does so much.
Guilt. As above, plus
"lot of guilt trips when I stand up to her"
It's all wrapped up together & can be hard to unpick.
With practice I started to be able to see the patterns better.
I saw that my family was a little stuck in *family only must help*.
Based on fear of strangers.
I saw people taking on responsibilty that was never theirs. Obligations were just assumptions, not fact.
I saw quiet people avoiding the unpleasantness of confrontation - saying a yes instead of the potential drama/guilt tripping of no.
It's OK if your sister wants to be Mom's #1 caregiver. If her values lean her towards martyrdom even.
However, it's not OK for her to control your life.
There are many ways to proceed. In your own time, at your own pace. From cold turkey I quit! To a gradual cutting back, being less available.
I have heard of a very quiet way to quit by filing up your time up a new interest eg new job, volunteer role, study, craft or exercise group.
Quiet quitting by gradually not being available ,
first on Fridays
then Fridays and Mondays
may have sister realize she can’t control other people .
Your sister chose this. Answer the phone less. Take a vacation. Stop propping them up.