My brother, who has lived out of state for 30 years and comes to visit once a year at most, is complaining about me not taking mom with late-stage dementia out to do fun things/trips. She lives in a memory care facility and has been on hospice for a long time and I visit with her there and go to the family functions. I also set up and take her to all her medical appointments and take care of her necessities (bills, taxes, clothing, etc.).
Mom is completely incontinent, difficult to get in and out of the car (most of the time I have to get help from others to get her in the car and it's not an easy task to get her out), and she has tried to unlock the door while I'm driving. Mom is also a fall risk.
My brother is out for about a week and wants to use mom's money to pay for her to stay a day in the desert at some huge house because as he told me, "I asked her if she wanted to go and she said yes" Mind you, my mom says yes, all the time, and she does not understand. My brother has also told me she sees dead people/ghosts... hmm. She hasn't known who he is for years.
He wants to use her money for a caregiver to assist him.
My issue is him complaining about me that I don't take her anywhere. I pretty much told him to shove it and asked him what he has done for her, except plan on taking her on this one-day trip? She is safe at her memory care, is well taken care of, more than happy when I spend time with her there, and I have taken her on more trips he ever has. He comes and visits once a year or less and thinks it's okay to bash me because he plans to take her on a one-day trip. Is there something wrong with me not taking her on trips and just visiting with her at her place? It's a lot of work already at her stage for me to just take her to her appointments and I take care of her needs. I also have a young family to take care of and work full time. He badmouths me when I'm the one who has always been here for my mom, and he's the black sheep/troublemaker. I've had to finally block him from contacting me. Every time he visits, he starts drama, and I can't take it anymore.
"Is there something wrong with me..?"
NO. NO & More NO.
You sound like a loving daughter, with a kind heart & sensible thinking mind.
Your brother however..
Full of nice ideas without the common sense. Wishing thinking. Even fantasy level... enter the wavy lines & sparkles ✨️
I can see Mother & he, blissfully sipping on tropical drinks by the pool, enjoyjng a stroll around a local market, staying up late giggling over a funny late night classic movie..
He's a dreamer.
First of all, he lives out of state and only sees her once a year! I’m glad that you told him to shove it and blocked his number.
He isn’t going to listen to reason so why even bother trying to get through to him. It would be a waste of time and energy.
Plus the only thing that a conversation with him would accomplish is that you would become more frustrated.
I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. You have enough to deal with.
Are you POA for your mom?
Of course, your mom needs to be in memory care. She isn’t able to go running around doing “fun” things. Your brother is completely delusional.
Taking her on a trip somewhere is beyond total nonsense. It's reckless. It will endanger her safety an well-being. The staff of the memory care she lives in should explain this to your brother.
If he starts drama with you tell him to (6th letter of the alphabet)-off. Then walk away.
I don't know which of you has your mother's POA. If it's you then you can simply tell the MC facility that she is not allowed to go.
Don’t rule out having a caregiver help you with an appointment if it would be easier on your mom or you.
You might even think of a short excursion you could do after the appointment if you didn’t have to handle everything yourself.
I say let your brother take your mom away on a little trip so he can experience first hand exactly the care she requires and I'll bet anything that he'll come back singing a different tune, and won't ever again want to take her out of the facility or have you to.
So just hang tight. Reality will be heading his way soon.
Well, much to my delight, she was returned to the nursing home within 2 days because she had crapped all over their beautiful new sofa and had crapped standing up in their hallway.............all the way down to the floor. That's the gift they received after arriving home from work. I was so proud of my mom for teaching a farewell lesson.
Never saw him or heard from him again............he shirked back into the darkness where he lived. It's such an endearing memory I carry with me that always brings a smile.
If you are no longer your mother's POA and your brother is, I would sure not be paying anything toward her care because your brother needs to see exactly how much it costs for her care.
As far as the "fun" stuff. My mom used to love to go and do, even if she just rode around town with me while I ran errands. As her mind deteriorated, even those little trips were harder on her - she was perpetually disoriented in the car - so I quit taking her out on those types of trips. She and my stepdad also traveled extensively, so I thought it would be nice to take one last trip before her mind was too far gone. She never liked flying, so we made it a driving vacation. I can't tell you how many times I answered "are we there yet?" or "why do we have to drive so far?". And I kept losing her. I couldn't even go into a gas station to go to the bathroom without getting her out of the car to go in with me, or she would (and did) get out and wander off while I was inside, and once she even tried to drive the car from the pump to the door of the store for me (yikes!). I had to be constantly vigilant of her so that I did NOT enjoy the trip myself, which I had thought when we started out it would be more like a mother/daughter road trip - my foolish thoughts. Once I changed my mindset about my role on the trip, it wasn't so bad (although it was far from a vacation for me), but she wasn't enjoying it either. She was perpetually confused which caused several angry outbursts every day, meals were a big challenge because she struggles with reading comprehension and decision-making but she still wanted to know everything on the menu (mercy fibs helped here), and she basically didn't sleep in hotels due to sundowning and unfamiliarity. It's true - I could've hired a caregiver to take the trip with us, but it wouldn't have made her enjoyment any greater and really, I would still have had to tend her quite a bit because I couldn't expect a paid person to do 24 hour a day care. As far as what we went and saw? She couldn't have told you even one thing we saw a week later. A day trip - maybe - but based on my experience on our vacation, I don't really think she would get any enjoyment from it. I believe that for dementia patients, familiarity is comforting and even critical.
She still asks to go places and do things, but I know from experience that she really doesn't want to do any of what she asks to do. She is so much happier and settled at home in her memory care. I often take pictures of her old trips when I visit with her and we walk down "memory" lane and I think she enjoys that just as much as she would enjoy a trip now, except that I'm pretty sure she makes up stories to go with the pictures rather than remembering the trip itself. I'm good with that!
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