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How can you even question feeling happy? Were I you, I would sit down and praise God she has finally gotten out of your hair. She must have been horrible in her behaviors and treatment of you and why should you have to tolerate it. Maybe her mind is gone - so what? Does that justify what she did and how she was around you. No one should tolerate and put up with such behavior especially when you did all you could to help them. No way. I say good riddance. I firmly believe and will never waver, if people are kind and pleasant, do whatever you possibly can to help them if you are able to but when they cross the line, be firm and take appropriate steps and remove them from your presence before they destroy you. Never feel guilty if they act like this. You are protecting yourself as you should.
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Caretaking is very difficult. Your MIL does seem challenging too. You are not horrible. You need a break. Your MIL will adjust in her new place. You must give her a few weeks now. I would not visit for at least a week or maybe 2. She will be cared for and you will catch up on rest. Things will be fine. I know. 3 years ago I put dad in assisted living. They might act miserable but in actuality the new place becomes home and the make friends too.
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You are normal. You did the right thing. Your MIL should have been on tranquilizers. Bad doctor. We will all pass. I hope she votes
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Imho, you were a top notch caregiver to your mother-in-law under much adversity. You must NOT think of yourself in such a negative light. Do not hold onto guilt, else it eats you up. Ergo, there is nothing, not one iota to feel guilty about. God bless you.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you!
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Good for you for articulating how you feel. You speak for many caretakers who are grateful and relieved when someone else can take over. It even sounds like you were fortunate enough to find a "nice place" for your MIL.
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you!!
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You are not a terrible person for feeling relieved that your MIL is out of your home. You have to remember that your mom was suffering from cancer, not dementia. Dementia changes the person that you love into a completely unreasonable person who can change from loving to a horror. My mom whom I loved dearly in the 7 years that I cared for her hit me, bite me, & accused me of stealing from her. She would say she loved me one minute & then tell me to get out of the house. When you have a LO with dementia you have to remember how much you loved them & how much they loved you before the diagnosis of dementia (or in my mom's case Alzheimer's) changed their personality. Think of your LO's actions & words as the disease talking & not your LO. Give it some time & give thought to the difference in the changes in your mom from cancer & the loss of your LO to dementia. When you understand the difference try to see your MIL with new understanding.
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You are not a bad person. I would give anything to be free of my mother who lives with me. And I don't feel guilty for feeling like that. You have done what you know is best for her and yourselves so now enjoy your freedom and your life. I hope to do the same one day. X
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Dear I have questions, First, you are not a horrible person!!! This situations sucks, even in the 'best' of conditions. I do not believe there is such a thing as 'normal'. Your reactions and feelings are unique and precious, just as you are. "Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides" is a saying that I like. God bless you
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IhaveQuestions Aug 2020
Thank you so much for your kind words.
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Water under the bridge. Best to say "we're going for a ride . . . to the museum . . . see flowers blooming. . . say anything to get person with dementia in the car, in the calmest way possible. Whether she has a form of dementia or not (a tumor may cause it as a stroke can).

Who wouldn't feel relieved if not at peace and intensely grateful for the quiet?
I wonder why you feel or believe how you feel is wrong/not okay in some ways? Do you allow yourself to feel without judgment? Where does this come from?
Do you know that 'all' feelings are okay because you feel them: Feelings / emotions change based on situation, hormones, self-care, reframing - and how a person learns to process through them.

There are 'no shoulds.' A good place to start thinking about in relation to how you feel about yourself.

I would recommend you see a therapist to get the tender loving support that will benefit you, and a safe place to sort out your feelings and self-expectations.
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When you begin the process of caring for a loved one you do so with all the love and best intentions.


Depending on the nature of their impairment,condition,or disease the road could take many sharp turns.

There is nothing wrong in rejoicing in normalcy.I am a caregiver twice over and look forward to the day I too can rejoice.Enjoy getting your life back.
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It sounds like you’ve done a fantastic job and have found an excellent place for your LO. Despite that I know that guilt can be pernicious. What’s helped me with guilt is what has been pointed out on this forum before; look at how many paid professionals it takes to care for your LO. That can be a LOT and by the time the LO moves to a care facility, it’s gotten to the point where it’s impossible for one person to spend 24/7 taking care of the elderly person...doing the job of a whole crew of people!

I don’t know if the guilt ever fully dissipates but in my case when I feel guilty again ( more than I care to admit ) I try to remember how many people it takes to help my mom, and that makes me realize that they are doing a much better job than I could, no matter what mom says.

I hope you find more peace, and many blessings
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