Are there ANY easy-going elderly parents out there?

My father remained s independent as possible, even as my husband and I moved into his home to take care of the property and to do more for him as he grew frailer. He was glad o be accompanied to medical appts and was co-operative with surgeries and medical treatments as they came along. When there were emergencies to be dealt with, he invariably apologized for causing us inconvenience.

When I read of the difficulties many caretakers have, I realize how lucky i was. Those who have easier caretaking situations are surely out there, but are less likely to turn to a forum for help so you don't get to hear their stories.

Yes to answer you. My childhood best friend's mother lives with her and is so easy and gentle and kind. It truly is a gift for her especially since she’s with her 24/7. I’m happy for her. If she had my dad, she might have killed herself by now.

I understand you might be envious of another's good fortune because you are comparing it to your bad fortune. People are who they are and the personality gets even intensified as they age. Positive or negative traits. So my lesson learned was to look inward at myself. Where do I see any negative traits and begin to work on them. Remember too with dementia, the filter goes away.

Just yesterday I was allowed to see my dad outside his nursing home for the first time since lockdown. His first words to me?..."I almost hate you". Now yes they were hurtful, but I know who he is, I know his filter is gone and his dementia is really late stage. So I brushed it off. Easier to do when they don’t live with you, of course. Wishing for him to be different serves no purpose for me.

There is a great book I often recommend and it covers the basic personality disorders you mentioned. I advise you to buy it and read. It’s a thin book with good insights and tips. Written by a psychologist who counsels adult children of parents like ours. It’s by Dr. Paul Chafetz title is "Loving hard to laugh parents; a handbook for adult children of difficult older parents"

It's ok to wish for a better situation, but don’t dwell on it. Accept what you have and realize what you can change is only you...and not them.

My mother with MCI and tons of mobility issues was very easy to help for years and still is for the most part. She now has some occasional dementia behaviors where she loses time orientation and "needs" to go help my grandmother (which my Mom did for many years) or wants to go visit with her aunts. I can usually deflect by saying we'll see about visiting tomorrow but sometimes not. It's more emotionally difficult for me than all that upsetting for Mom. During the lock down, Mom got to a point over the last couple of weeks where she wanted to "go" somewhere almost every day. Her mobility issues have gotten to the point I have a difficult time getting her into my car so we only go driving 1-2 times a week. This week she started back to adult day care and she hasn't wanted to "go" anywhere else.

My father with lifelong paranoid personality disorder only made worse by progressing vascular dementia was a very difficult person to deal with and provide with care. Ended up gaining guardianship and forcing him into MC which he adapted to and mostly enjoyed (according to my cousins), although he never admitted it to me.

I imagine your cousin's experiences are not quite as easy as you believe. I endure the painful exchanges when my mother pleads she must go help her mother but I don't really talk to others about those spells or how difficult I find them. I was in the kitchen last week and away from the intercom when my mother called for her sister and her 5 year old great-grandson picked up the intercom and repeated a version of what he has heard "Grandma, A isn't here, can I help you with something?"

As far as getting help from your sister, have you asked for her help? I have a brother who doesn't offer to help and I have never asked him for direct care, but every time I have asked for him to pick up something we need (groceries, lotion, packages, food orders, home project supplies, etc.) or do something like nail shingles on the ramp so it's not slick when covered in frost and rain, he does it without objection. When I ask him to stay with Mom so I can go somewhere or even just sleep, he's there. He's not an organizer and doesn't see care needs as well as I do and he won't retire till the end of the year so he doesn't have as much time to care for Mom, but he is supportive. Maybe your sister would be willing to help with some of your parents' household chores or do some shopping even if she is not willing to provide personal care?

I also have a sibling who doesn't want to be involved in anyway except as a disruptor and to lay down the criticism. If your sister is silent, then you are so much better off than having a disruptive sibling.

Please consider caring for your parents does not mean you personally providing all their care. If they have the resources, please consider hiring some in home help or using delivery services for as much shopping as is practical. If resources are more limited, please check with your parents' PCP about Medicare provided bathing and personal care assistance and with their county's Area Agency on Aging about community Medicaid (which is usually only based on income) about respite care and other services.

I chose to help my parents. I chose to move my mother into my home. Some days it would be nice to have siblings share responsibility for their care or have more help from extended family instead of the second guessing my care decisions. You cannot make life choices for other people. Because I chose to be here doesn't mean they have any obligation to make the same choice. I accept that and move on because getting angry about it isn't helpful. I hope you can find a similar peace.

I suspect there are more easy going elderly people than we know because it's the difficult ones people talk about more. One of my clients is on 24 hour care at home but is the sweetest, kindest little old lady you ever want to meet! That said, you don't have the easy kind. Here are some ideas. Good luck.

Take care of YOU

It is very, very important that you keep your own sanity intact! I have found that if I take one day a week to be parent-free it really helps rejuvenate me. I make sure my siblings know, and even though they are hours away at least they can call and talk to Mom (old and frightened) and Dad (Alzheimer's).

You tube has tons of relaxation breathing videos, guided meditations etc. These help! Really.
Write down your angry/resentful thoughts. It's normal to feel this way! Acknowledge the thought by writing it, even if you are jotting a sentence on the back of an envelope to get the feelings out.

Also, set boundaries.

Especially on those Jekyll and Hyde days. If she is being rough on you its OK to say, gently," Y'know Mom, that hurts when you say that. I'm doing my best." Then, change the subject. Or, if she isn't very cognitively impaired, whenever she gets mean, just leave. Either the room, the house. or just the conversation.

If Dad's OCD behaviours are getting to you, distance yourself from them as much as possible. Don't watch.

My Mom was texting me at all hours of the day and night. Things like "I just heard the most beautiful concerto on the radio" or "Did you see Bob's funny post on facebook. His dog is so cute". I am so tuned into the phone in case there is an emergency that I hear every text notification, and text back that I am in bed. I finally had to be very blunt and tell Mom not to text between 10 pm and 9 am unless it is an emergency.

I hope some of this is helpful. Remember, you are a GOOD DAUGHTER! Maybe a tired one, but a GOOD DAUGHTER!!!!!!

My mother was always stubborn and fiercely independent, but she was also kind, polite, and a caring person. Most people would have said she was a sweet person, though with a backbone of steel. Some of the changes that have gradually occurred in her 80's and 90's are due to the frustrations of having a body that no longer cooperates with her desires, a mind that no longer serves up the words she wants, ears that no longer distinguish sounds clearly, and eyes that no longer focus properly. This is not a personality disorder. She is still mostly polite, but her patience has been worn away by her disabilities.

Put yourself in her place. How happy would you be if you had her disabilities? The fact that I understand and sympathize does not make it much easier when she wants things her own way, the way it used to work, rather than what is easier for my sisters and me.

If we make meals for her they usually end up in the trash because they are not made the way she used to do it, even though she can no longer stand long enough to prepare her own food. Other examples abound.

To others she may appear to be as sweet and kind as she always was. To us, her daughters, she serves as a reminder of what we never want to become and what we promise ourselves we will never do to our children. We do understand her frustrations, but that doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't help that some of her disabilities are the result of her own willfulness: her vision can't be corrected because she would not eat right and her diabetes can no longer be controlled; she can't hear because she won't wear her hearing aids; she can't walk because she refused knee replacement surgery when it was possible, now it is not possible.

We will probably also be a trial to our children, as our disabilities overtake us, but I hope the trials they will experience are less burdensome.

I sincerely doubt that the compliant, uncomplaining elders are in the majority. Most of us are not compliant and uncomplaining in any part of our lives. Success does not come to those who smilingly accept whatever comes their way but, rather, to those who meet challenges head on and refuse to accept mediocrity. Our lives do not train us to be compliant, but to fight against the odds, to try to overcome difficulties, and to achieve our dreams. Those attitudes are great in your youth and middle age. I find them great in my late 60's as I work in my gardens and make my home the place of my dreams. Will those attitudes make it easy for my children to tell me what to do in my 80's and 90's? Maybe not.

I am writing myself letters to read in later years in hopes that I can be easier on my children than my mother is on her children and I hope that I will read them and pay attention to my younger self. I am also cultivating interests and skills that require less physical effort like needlework, computer-generated art forms, digital photography, and other fun but easy things. Nevertheless, I cannot be sure that I will not want to cling to my own way of doing things. I hope that I will listen to my children when they tell me that I am not coping as well as I will want to think that I am, but I cannot be sure of that.

In the meantime, I try to give my mom the patience she has mostly lost. While we struggle to cope with the reality that she refuses to acknowledge my sisters and I try to remember the times when all that stubborn refusal to give in to anything helped to put food on the table in tough times, keep the home we lived in as nice as she possibly could even when she had little to work with, and made her stand up for her friends when they needed her.

I think my mom is one of the nicest people, but it is still a difficult situation.  She has dementia, her memory is shot.  She is fragile, can barely walk -- but tries to!!   She gets up and wanders at night, I have alarms all over the place.   No one should underestimate the work involved.

I’m wondering perhaps if one of the reasons we feel that there are more difficult elderly people than easy ones is partially because the people who post are asking for help or need to vent , which is why it’s such a good thing to have this site . Maybe we just don’t hear about the easy ones because their loved ones don’t feel the need to share . I know my Mother was a blessing to care for , with her mind going strong until the end ( only physical issues ) so it never entered my mind to join any kind of support group . My DH on the other hand , has different problems because of his AD so I feel I really need the support that I get here at this time .
Just a thought .

Short answer is yes, there are some who are easy. But they don’t show up much on this chat.

personality does *tend* to be consistent, but dementia change things. Also the elderly are often grieving losses of their friends, their health, their importance, their abilities.

I’m remembering so many Disney stories where an elderly curmudgeon Is reawakened to joy, often by kids who they first think are annoying.

many elderly mellow. Others become isolated and hostile.

My 95 year old Mother with dementia just passed away a month ago and I was her full time caregiver for the past year. She was truly one of the ‘easy ones’!

She did everything I asked, never complained, followed all instructions and was truly a piece of cake to care for. Dementia stole her ability to converse much, other than the usual dementia questions: What day is it? Where am I going? What do I do? So we could not share memories, experiences, etc, but she remained easy-going until the day she died.

I attended caregiver support groups and heard the challenges most caregivers are experiencing. My caregiver job tied up my time and there were certainly a few moments of frustration, but I now realize that my situation may have been very unusual.

I am so sorry your days are so stressed. I commend you for what you are doing! Reach out as much as you can to outside support if possible.

I was blessed by my mil who was very easy to care for. If there was a fault, my dd pointed it out. One day she said, "Grandma, instead of telling mom you are sorry all the time, maybe you could say 'Thank you' instead." But it was ingrained in my mil, due to the way she was treated by my fil, to constantly say "I'm sorry" and old habits are hard to break. (Sadly, I have recognized that the nut didn't fall far from the tree and I live in a constant state of apology with my husband because his no-one-is-as-perfect-as-me-and-you'll-never-live-up-to-my-expectatons attitude, very reminiscent of his father.)

All of what u describe is true. I would say 80 percent are difficult. And spouses who are extremely ill are very difficult. I am the caregiver for my wife, as as her Parkinsons advances , my job is tougher, due to her becoming agitated and very impatient, which she never was before. But I understand it is not her fault, because of her disease. None the less, it puts me under an extreme amount of stress. But I never show it.

My father was one such person, I enjoyed being with him, just holding his hand made him happy....my mother on the other hand...not easy going by any means.

A loving caring sweet natured young and or middle aged parent will remain the same good sweet person in old age unless he or she has become brain damaged. My grandparents and all my elderly aunts and uncles all retained their same good character in old age as always. Their personalities did not change as they aged. They all died of heart failure at 96 or older and stayed in their right minds either until the end or until a month or less before death.I am 86 and possibly things have changed a lot now. Apparently , most elderly people on prescribed a number of meds including statins, strong diuretics, narcotic pain relievers, so called antidepressants, etc. I do not know whether or not all thes so called meds cause brain damage or if it was healthy country living that once protected elderly people.However, I have in the past 20 years or more seen a lot of formerly nice perople turn into demented monsters. May God have mercy.I take no meds and I am hoping to keep wonderful well working brain for a long time.

As a former Psychiatric RN, it's been my experience that "personality is consistent." That is, people who were easygoing and not demanding when they were younger tend to retain those qualities in old age.

You mentioned that your mother probably has BPD and your father is OCD. I bet that they displayed those basic characteristics when they were 40!

Having said that, there are diseases of the brain in which changes in personality are part of them, such as Lewy Body Dementia. Also, due to the gradual loss of function that occurs to all of us with aging, many people become quite "irritable" because they can no longer do what they used to do with ease - even if they were "calm" when they were young.

As others have said, a person with difficult elderly parents is more likely to seek assistance via this forum. A person with "easy" parents would not feel the need to reach out - so we rarely hear from them.

Actually, there is no way to tell how the vast majority of elderly parents are - For one thing, what makes a difficult relationship is usually the combination of both the child and the parent. Also, bad relationships are probably over represented online -- people who are having a good relationship usually are not posting online.

My Mom was easy. She had her moments but on the whole she was easy. I wasn't a caregiver. I was 65 she was 86 when she came to live with me in 2014 she passed in 2017. I think if we knew when the end was coming, things would be a little easier. But some don't see the end of the tunnel. With Dementia they are so unpredictable. I am not good with unpredictable. My house is a split and nothing but stairs. Not good for someone who doesn't do stairs well. I didn't take Mom in on a permanent basis. I was waiting for the house to sell. It didn't so I used what she had and placed her in an AL. She had people to socialize with and entertainment/activities. She was well cred for. She adjusted well.

Yes, there are easy going parents out there. Just not many inside this forum!

I suspect the easy going ones are the silent majority. People usually join a forum such as this when they are having problems caregiving, not if it's smooth sailing.

My mother is a hell raiser 88 yrs old going strong. No dementia but old age memory loss

My parents are still quite young, in their mid-70’s, but they have already picked out a retirement home that will continue to care for them as they age. They are both very healthy, thank God. They see what I’m going through with my husband, who is older than me and requires my full time care. They don’t want either me or my sister to have to care for them like this.

My husband has gone through stages of defiance, depression, anxiety, clinging, confusion and frustration, which I think are very normal to experience. Sometimes, it has been very difficult on me. But, he’s not always like this, and more recently he seems to have found some peace. What’s nice is that every few days, he will thank me. This morning he serenaded me with Paul Anka’s “Diana.” 🥰 Life isn’t so bad.

We don't have to do any hands on caregiving for my mother-in-law who has severe COPD and doesn't drive, but I do take her to all appointments & get her groceries and my husband handles her bills and all decision making. She is one of the sweetest, most compliant people you'll ever meet. She's always afraid she's worrying or bothering us, even though she rarely asks for anything.

Even when she had a raging UTI and was completely out of her head in the hospital, she was a perfect patient...like a little girl afraid to upset anyone. It was quite sad actually. She wet the bed and was going to lay in it anyway, but of course I told the nurse.

I think that it is due to personality disorders.

Parents that are balanced tend to be easier to care for.

Of course Alzheimer's and dementia or other brain injuries can cause difficult situations and personality traits to appear, making the individual a challenge.

This is my personal experience with the elders in my family.

I haven't read any of the other answers, but my mom, while anxious and in need of constant reassurance, trusted us and was grateful that we solved her issues by getting her to a geriatric psych for meds, getting her into good care-giving situations and except for the occasional blip (usually indicative of a UTI) was not demanding or unappreciative.
My MIL was dismissive and suspicious of my husband's help. Threatened to report him to APS.

I think that some folks have life-long trust issues.

My experience with my mother, dying at 78 from cancer, was fine. Her brain was OK, she understood what was going on and what I was doing for her, we got on well together at home until the end. I think the problems come when the brain goes, it wasn’t without its problems in the first place, the person can’t do what they want to do, and they resent the whole deal. Death really is the solution. What happened to letting God make the decision?

My Dad was a joy for everyone. He welcomed every caregiver into the house, and the caregivers use to jump at a chance to fill in if a regular caregiver called in sick, etc. Once a caregiver noticed Dad was tossing the bills into the recycling, I asked Dad if I could use his checkbook to pay his bills. Next day we were at the bank for me to sign a signature card.

At 93 it was Dad who said he wanted to look at senior living. As soon as I drove up to the first place, he said "where do I sign up". We went on tour, and had a free lunch. He was ready to move in. He was thrilled being around people of his own age.

Dad asked me to sell the house. When I asked him what to do with the remaining items in the house, he said just bulldoze everything down. "Ah, Dad, I don't think the HOA would approve", we had a good laugh.

When Dad had to move into Assisted Living/Memory Care, we referred to Dad's studio apartment as his "college dorm room" since Dad had all his books crammed in there :)

My dad was totally easy. Laid back. My mother was difficult for many years, but the last year very happy and easy to get along with.

DH and I chuckle about this sometimes - knowing full well if it were his dad we were still living and the one we were taking care of . . . .he would be so compliant and grateful for the help. He'd be agreeable and for the most part an easy patient. He'd let me take a hot meal over each day, and be appreciative of the good food and a little visit. He would likely let us easily take over the bills and organizing his pills, just grateful to sit back and take it easy, enjoying his life. Heck, he might even abide by the safety measures in place (no going on steps, no driving, no stove, you know, the usual!)

But DH's mom is who we have . . . .cranky, disagreeable and completely non-compliant long before Dementia came on the scene. My SIL (her daughter) often tries to address MIL's complaints and tantrums .. . . and I try to remind her that MIL is cranky, she WILL complain about something and be angry every day. If we "Fix" the issue . . . she will just find another one! One day, it was me whistling in the car, LOL. ALWAYS something!

We were walking in our yard a day or two ago and I told DH that his dad would have enjoyed coming for a few hours to sit in the orchard with a book and a glass of tea . . .just enjoying the day. But we weren't going to invite his mom because she would gripe & complain, and then give us the "SEE! I CAN get out just fine . . . now take me to town RIGHT NOW I NEED TO GO TO THE STORE!" afterwards.

I think that in some cases, dementia (and just old age) seems to magnify the person's personality. If they were sweet and agreeable, the are still . . . if they were crabby pants, they are more so :( but that's just my opinion.

To be fair the people who are not struggling with various issues are not visiting places like this to look for answers. My mom was very compliant and grateful, it made me feel all the worse when the burden of caregiving turned me into a harpy😕.