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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years now. He recently turned 63 in May. However, since December of 2023, I have begun to notice a gradual decline in his mental state/mood/personality that is inexplicable. I'll explain: When I first met him, he was an even-keeled, calm, introverted, shy kind of guy. He never raised his voice, never got his feathers ruffled by either petty or big annoyances - I loved that about him - and, while not being the most emotionally expressive man in the world, was considerate and a "gentleman".
Fast forward to the last 8 months or so and gradually, things have changed. His mood seems to go up and down from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour (joyful, energetic one morning/flat, caustic attitude the next - and then changes later that day to being peppy and/or down again); he gets agitated while driving, swearing up a storm and flipping off anyone he thinks is driving badly. He will start pointless, odd arguments with me about ridiculous "point-of-view" issues that I try not to engage in, and when I don't, it only makes him more irritated. To make matters worse, if I tell him that something he is doing or saying is upsetting me, his response will be "no, it isn't" (!) or he will simply flat out deny that he even said it at all (!?), despite saying it only a few moments before, almost as if he can't remember or is not even "present" in his own conversation to recall anything he says. If, for instance, he may accidentally bump into me or startle me and I react, he no longer says the obligatory/casual "oh sorry, you ok?" but just doesn't even notice it. If I happen to mention it, he tells me it’s my fault.
He also seems to having a difficult time hearing, has lost a lot of the emotionality he used to have, and just seems...off.
I do know he has trouble with sleeping and aside from being a computer animator, is also a professional craftsman/artist and so uses a lot of chemicals/paints in his work, sometimes in a not-so-ventilated area.
The reason I am posting here is because I have considered every other potential "issue" that might be causing this sudden mood/personality shift (no drugs, no drinking, etc.) and have come up empty every time. I can certainly give more detail if need be, but I wanted to lay out the basics. At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot and I'm not so certain how much more I can take.

I don’t think it matters what is causing this …….end it . Run and don’t look back .
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Reply to waytomisery
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I tend to agree. If it is early onset of dementia, run for your life.
Otherwise he sounds like his "dating behavior" has faded into who he really is.

I would get out now, before you invest more valuable time in a relationship you don't seem happy with.
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If this man is moody, feeling off (? depressed) then he can take responsibility for his mood & health. Choose to investigate his issues. Or choose not to.

You also have choices.
To keep 'walking on eggshells' around his moods. Or not. Walk out of the room, do not engage if any put downs.

Find a calmer time to discuss things. See if in a quieter time he opens up?

Keep your friendships. Start finding hobbies without him. Keep looking for joy in your life. Whether you stick around or not is up to you.
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Yeah I've tried talking to him and he thinks I'm just neurotic for noticing it. Thing is, it's not so easy to "walk away" when you're stuck in a car that he is driving or when the only way for me to suddenly get out of the situation would be either one of us is stranded when we're out and about and no way to get home, depending on where we are. It depends. Either way, it's no fun and I'll end it soon if it doesn't change.
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He sounds a bit bi-polar to me, if nothing else. And perhaps it's just taken this long for him to show his true self to you.
But whatever the reason, this should be a HUGE red flag for you, and one that you definitely shouldn't ignore.
One should not have to endure a lot in a healthy dating relationship, so it may be time to seriously rethink this relationship.
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ArtistDaughter Aug 24, 2024
Yes. My mom had dementia and my brother was bi-polar. He seems more bi-polar, even with the forgetting. It does seem really odd though that it is just now being noticed. And this is really difficult to be in a relationship with if he does not wish to acknowledge his behavior. He needs to be evaluated by his doctor. It could be a lot of things. You should tell him what you've noticed and if he won't follow up with getting an appointment, then you have a decision to make, to stay and deal with his moods or leave.
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I'm wondering what if his family or friends notice anything different about him. That would tell me a lot because you have only known him for a couple of years.

But I agree with what others are saying, run, no matter what the reason is.

We have discussed this on the forum, at 60 if something happens to my husband, I'll never get into another long term relationship, because I'm going to be done caregiving by then .

Best of luck
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Thank you. He lives alone and is rather introverted, although friendly, so he doesn't really have regular friends or family whom he interacts with daily, besides me, one other female friend he's had for 10 years that lives nearby and siblings that live in different states, but even the other friend and his family are usually once in a while phone call/text sorts of things. He of course has a circle of acquaintances that he runs into frequently in the town he lives in, but he doesn't make a serious effort to see them. ;-) He sees his siblings at family events (and I always attend with him), but I don't observe them noticing anything odd about him, other than losing his hearing, which his sister noticed. His sister and I actually get on quite well, so if this does continue, I am going to be talking to her confidentially by text to get her opinion.
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In order to know what is going on with him, he needs a thorough medical exam by his primary doctor or a neurologist. Other things may be changing him, like a TIA (mini stroke) or a tumor. Or, he may have had a history of mental illness that he never disclosed to you.

In order to get an accurate diagnosis he needs to accept that he's having a problem. If he's in denial, there's literally nothing you can do. Even if it's dementia... there's nothing you can do -- except notify his next of kin, if he is close to any other family.

He may have anosognosia, which is a lack of ability to perceive the realities of one’s own condition. It’s a person’s inability to accept that they have a condition that matches up with their symptoms or a formal diagnosis.

If it were me I would opt out of this relationship right now unless you want to get sucked into being a verbally abused, exhausted caregiver by an ungrateful person, rather than being a happy girlfriend with a loving BF who have a future together.

You can't rescue him. Breaking up may be the only thing that snaps him into the reality of his behavioral situation. It's not your job to fix him. He can't be fixed without his willing participation.
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Yeah I like that idea (snapping him into reality) and I may do just that if it continues, because you're correct, I don't want to be in an abusive relationship. While things have been better this week, as I said above, I'm not banking on it. I would love for him to go to the doctor, but he won't. Eventually maybe he will, but he probably won't for some time (i.e. right now he's focused on getting teeth repaired and wants to "focus on that right now" in his own words. Yeesh.).
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If he managed to keep his moods under control until now, he hid his mental health issues very well from you. Two years is long enough for someone to get comfortable in their relationship and their true nature starts coming out.

As I read your post, I did detect cognitive dissonance on your part. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances. Even though we see changes in someone's treatment of us, we always revert back to the beginning of how we were treated during the honeymoon period of the relationship. Are these actually dementia symptoms or some other type of personality disorder when he deflects and gaslights you into thinking everything is okay. Is he displaying intermittent abuse cycles to keep you off balanced?
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Yes, I've considered the intermittent abuse cycles. Although honestly, if he is doing this, I don't think he's doing it consciously. I have indeed sat him down and asked him why he acts the way he does at certain times and when I suggest that he's doing something (anything, really) on purpose, he gets very confused and asked "where do you come up with this stuff?". It's like he just doesn't see it. He's not a nasty person by nature, so whatever is going on is just odd.
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I have to agree with the others. I so hope your not living together. I would talk to family and co-workers to see if they noticed a change. I would have him get a full physical and have a note ready for the doctor listing what u have seen in the last 8 months. Slip it to the receptionist asking the doctor read it before the exam. This will help the doctor ask the right questions.

I had a woman tell me 50 yrs ago to go thru 4 seasons with a person before getting serious. It takes that long for someone to start showing their real colors. Do not be a martyr here. Do not get anymore into this relationship till you find out what is going on. Don't give up your life for someone you have only known for 2 yrs. If you don't live together good easier to back off. If he is living with you, ask him to leave and why. If your living with him, u leave telling him why. Please, your gut is telling you something. Get out before he takes his anger out on you.
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Nope, thankfully not living together. We actually live about an hour and half away from each other, talk on the phone or text almost daily and see each other about twice a week, if not more. I want him to get a physical, but he won't do it due to financial issues, I think. Or he just hates going to the doctor, like most men. :-( Our ultimate goal is that we DO want to marry so we can move in together, but haha I'm not making that jump until I get a firm grip on what is going on here.

But I concur - I'm not going to dig in any more to this relationship until we get this sorted. I love him more than anything, but I'm thinking that putting that love I have on ice for now is the best course of action - I refuse to give and give and not get anything in return.
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Could be dementia, could be his hiding of mental illness isn’t so hidden anymore. Either way, is this what you want your future to look like, enduring angry outbursts, risking road rage coming back at you both when he acts out at the wrong driver, being gaslighted about what you fully know you’re experiencing? That’s not something I’d stick around for. If it’s dementia or mental illness, neither will be fixed, or even improved. Consider your own worth and goals for your future
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Exactly. However, I don't think he was hiding it. He's not a good liar at all and I would have picked up on stuff before now and while we've had normal ups and downs, he's never acted like this. I seriously think something chemical is going on in his head lately. But I'm sure as hell not going to sit around and be snapped at for the next twenty years. He either works on his behavior or I'm out.
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This doesn't sound like dementia to me. This sounds like depression, or just someone who isn't really enjoying living with you. He's uncaring and argumentative. That isn't dementia. Dementia is putting the butter in the cupboard and putting the flour in the refrigerator. Losing the keys. Poor balance and falls. Getting lost. Wandering.

You are speaking of someone with mental illness, depression, unhappiness, and etc. And you certainly are speaking of someone I would not care to live with. This isn't a husband. This isn't a partner. You call him a "boyfriend" and the whole purpose of boyfriend and girlfriend is to learn if this is someone you want to live with lifelong?

So is he? Someone you wish to live with? For me, he would not be. I think you cannot change people. You aren't responsible for their happiness. But you are responsible for your own and your own choices. You say he makes no indication he wants to end things. No, why would he? He gets to be as grumpy and abusive as he wants to be and you dance around trying to make it OK.

I would seek counseling with him. If he doesn't care to go that would be the line of crossing. I would be out of there.
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Mamacrow Aug 24, 2024
My thoughts Exactly!
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I sympathize with your situation and sent you a private message. Access through your profile page.
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Thank you!! I can't figure out how to reply to private messages but I will say you have my respect!!! <3 Thank you for sharing what you did. I'll pray for you, you can be certain of that. <3
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My boyfriend, who I met in 2012 when he was 61, was diagnosed within a year of moving in with me. My advice is to keep notes in your phone of everything that seems “off”, and date your notes. Keep all of these to discuss with his doctor. Also, Google FAST for dementia, which is what our healthcare system uses for diagnosis. Sounds like your partner may be on the road. So very sorry. I am still managing my partner’s care after placing him in Memory Care after being his 24/7 caregiver for 6 years. We requested a couples therapist at the beginning who was also a geriatric therapist. He helped us with the early stage and diagnosis. You need to know the truth and whether or not you want to stay involved. It has been 12 years for us.
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
I looked this up - so far, he doesn't have any of the symptoms they list. But I *really* like your idea of keeping notes on the phone. I do that anyway, but now I'm going to begin keeping a regular "Is He Normal?" journal. Thank you for this!
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FaithWhit, when was the last time your boyfriend was tested for an UTI (urinary tract infection)? What you are seeing could be the side effects of a UTI which can mimic dementia and cause someone to become angry. Plus other un-welcomed side effects.


Have your boyfriend go to his primary doctor or to an Urgent Care, where he can be tested for UTI. It's very simple: peeing in a cup. Usually the results can be found while you wait. The treatment is antibiotics.
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
You know, it's funny you should mention this, because not too long ago, I asked him if he had ever had a UTI and he looked at me like I had antlers growing out of my ears, lol. He says he's never had one but this guy rarely gets sick or if/when he does, it lasts for like a day and he's back to normal again. He won't go to the doctor, but that's a mute question. But I do monitor how he's feeling (I have to if I want to understand what's going on with him), and if he has symptoms, I'll make him to go urgent care.
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Agreed - you are probably just getting to know him better and his inhibitions are relaxing around you.

RUN
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AlvaDeer Aug 24, 2024
Amen.
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I'm going with he's having symptoms caused by using chemicals in a not so well ventilated area. Here are some of the symptoms associated with sniffing glue intentionally or exposure to inhaling chemicals unintentionally:

Headaches
dizziness
nausea and vomiting
abdominal pain
mood swings and belligerence
appearing intoxicated
decline in thinking skills, concentration, and decision-making ability
loss of interest in normal activities
damage to personal relationships
numbness
tingling in hands and feet
loss of coordination
fatigue
hearing loss
apathy
impaired judgment

Brain damage
Sniffing glue and other inhalants — especially those that include the solvents toluene and naphthalene — can damage the myelin sheath, the thin covering around the nerve fibers in the brain and the rest of your nervous system. This damage can cause long-term harm to brain function, causing neurological problems similar to those seen with multiple sclerosis.

Your bf has a few of the symptoms listed above. Dementia presents a bit differently, more like forgetting everything constantly and putting his keys in the freezer, like Alva said. Your bf may be reacting to chemical toxin overload in his system instead.

Really, we can only guess at what's going on. But he should see the doctor stat for a full physical and cognitive workup, with labs to see what his bloodwork looks like. In any event, I think I'd be bowing out of this relationship if it were me. You need to be part of a team where your man treats you with loving attention and patience. Not where you're going to be the subject of his wrath, for WHATEVER reason, medical or behavioral. Who cares? Sometimes love is not enough when you're facing a situation like this.

Good luck to you.
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Thank you so much. <3 Yes, I agree with you - I know I deserve much better and everything was going so well, and then all this started out of the blue. As you'll see from my reply to the post above, getting him to a doctor is near impossible. I should also mention he's somewhat of a regular smoker, but thankfully not a heavy one.

And YES, he's also allergic to a lot of the chemicals he uses in his crafting, but he's still going at it and won't give it up. He tries his best to keep his place ventilated when he's working and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (ugh). Personally I think it's the chemicals doing this or at least part of his personality change (I think others below are right on the money - I think it might be depression) because he's had an unusual amount of orders come in for his crafting and he's been inundated with chemicals for the past 3 weeks. I'm in a holding pattern at the moment to see what happens when he finishes this batch. However, the past three weeks doesn't explain the way he's been acting/feeling since December of last year. Around that time, he did tell me he was feeling down and there seemed to be some sort of "shift" in his outlook on life, but more or less that "shift" seemed to go up and down, so I didn't pay attention to it. But as you say, I deserve a loving, patient man and if his behavior does not alter into his "old" self that I loved, I'm going to have to move on.
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Glioblastoma can cause changes in behavior and occur more frequently in men in the age group your BF is in now.

I have known several people personally with glioblastoma. Most recently my niece’s husband died after 19 months of treatment.

He returned from a 40 mi bike ride (his norm) and my niece noticed something. She called her RN son and they questioned him a bit. Answered everything correctly until he got to his BD. Didn’t know his birthday. Trip to the ER that day, tests in the ER. He knew he had a brain tumor in less than 24 hours.

Looking back, there were decisions he made that were questionable. He had taken a new position several states away. My niece, his wife, didn’t think he should take the job so far away from their home. She wanted him to retire. He bought a condo in the new state and flew home every few weeks. He just happened to be home with wife for the weekend. Diagnosed at 68. Dead at 70.

The other one that stands out to me is a guy who worked for DH. Bizarre behavior out of the blue. I thought he had dementia just by listening to conversations he was having with DH. Diagnosed at 64, dead within a couple of weeks at 65.

He was working/living away from home and becoming stranger by the minute it seemed. His wife went to visit and called my DH alarmed at what she found.

Each of these wives might have noticed something earlier if they had been living together 24/7.

Might be worth reading about a bit and seeing if you can get him in for a CT or MRI.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17032-glioblastoma
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Oh my goodness. Yeah, it would be nice to get him to a doctor but unfortunately, my guy hasn't been to the doctor in years. :-\ He doesn't even have a primary care doctor now, mostly because he complains about the cost and I think he's just a typical guy who doesn't want to think anything is "wrong" with him. He had a very bad bacterial infection in his tooth last year and again earlier this year and it took me making an appointment FOR HIM in order to get him to be seen. He's on Obamacare and doesn't have dental or vision insurance, etc. So yeah, it's a mess.
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Faith, do you live together? Perhaps ‘dating’ means not cohabiting. It’s relevant, because you need a life of your own to look forward to, otherwise you may just stay put with him because moving out is too difficult.

In your shoes and aged around 60, I would get out of this. Even if his behavior is about the craft chemicals, he probably won’t stop the craft. It’s all too hard, and there are too many red flags. I'd do it now, because the longer you leave it, the harder are the other options.

If you want a relationship that will last into the future, put some effort now into broadening your options. I’d suggest that for anyone else, you meet their friends and family, and find out more about their past (and past relationships). Give yourself some other options. If you haven't done this with the current BF, do it now. You never know what you will find out.
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FaithWhit Aug 25, 2024
Hi! No, we don't live together. We live in separate cities about 2 hours away from each other. The goal, obviously, is that we'll get married and live together, but I'm not fond of the city he lives in (bad economy in my view, location, etc., despite it being a draw for the kinds of interests we both share in terms of music, etc.) and he isn't thrilled with where I live (suburbs of a major city; booming, growing economy, safe place to raise a family for instance but not a whole lot of excitement).

I just turned 40, so I'm considerably younger than he is (22 years). I was "stuck" as you say in my last relationship for 16 years being married to an Autistic guy because I didn't have the strength to get out, so yes - I totally understand that. Everything was perfect with my current BF and he was such a blast of fresh air from my previous experience, which is why we gelled so quickly. What burdens me is that he's going down this dark path and I have no interest in navigating it with him, other than to get him help and get him OUT of it if I can. Otherwise --- I'm gone.
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Ask him if he's ever played contact sports (like football or hockey) and if he's ever had a concussion, or a car accident that resulted in a concussion. CTE can result from concussions. Thinking about his inappropriately vulgar outbursts while driving...

My husband grew up playing hockey (and still plays 3x a week), also had a roll-over car accident and then a kite skiing accident that resulted in him losing his memory for 12 hours. I watch him closely for signs of CTE, not that anything can help him if he did develop it.

Aside from this, you are 22 years apart in age. Odds are that you will become his caregiver sooner rather than later. AND you said he's not one to take care of his health and go to a doctor regularly -- even when he had a bacterial infection in his tooth YOU had to make the appointment *like his Mom*. If you live 2 hours apart, how often do you see each other? How well do you really know this guy after 2 years?

"At present, our relationship is steady and he makes no indication that he wants to end things (i.e. he never complains about me in the big picture), but I'm enduring a lot ..."

Of course he never complains and doesn't want to end things -- he now has a free caregiver-in-training who is ready to orbit around him in his planned helplessness. You shouldn't be enduring anything...
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FaithWhit Aug 26, 2024
Haha!! :-P "planned helplessness" is about right! That gave me a good chuckle, but yes, it may turn out exactly that way. However, the only reason I do things for him is because it drives me crazy that he won't do it himself (i.e. wash a shirt or a jacket that has a stain; iron a wrinkled pair of pants because he's like "meh, it doesn't matter"; purchase a new pair of All Star Converse high tops for him because he's worn the same pair for the past umpteenth years and now there's visible holes in them LOL). He could have easily called the dentist himself, or get/do *anything* to make his life easier, but it doesn't bother him (in his own words). So I really do some things for him for my own sake and sanity (haha), in all honesty, not because he asks me (in fact, there have been a few times when I've nicely offered to do some task for him and he's responded "God no, you're my girlfriend, not my maid!").

Yup, he played baseball when he was younger but never had concussions with that....HOWEVER! Now that you do mention it, he did hit his head on a piece of plexiglass in his apartment on accident. It left a scratch on his forehead, but I don't think he hit it that hard. He's had a few bicycle accidents in his youth, but I don't believe he's had a concussion that I know of.

We see each other a few times each week. Rarely does a week go by where we aren't getting together and we talk regularly each day. We've traveled together. He's rather independent and introverted, so he doesn't need people or contact the way I do, so he's use to being solo, but goes out and does things with me on a regular basis.
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Faith, if you are 22 years younger than BF, be very very careful. To state the obvious, when you are the age he is now and are as spry as he is now, he will be over 80 and probably won’t be spry at all. Unless there is a lot of money to come, it might probably make sense to keep it informal and leave your options open for the future. That’s even without the road rage. Men in their 60s can be very attractive. Men in their 80s, not so much. Now I’ll shut up and mind my own business....
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FaithWhit Aug 26, 2024
Haha, don't worry, I completely understand you and respect what you're saying. ;-) I do love him very, very much and we've grown very close in the time we've known each other, but still - I'm not about to chain myself to someone whose personality will only devolve with time and this weirdness he's got has indeed made me pause and take stock of where things are going. When I get the chance, I'm planning on explaining this to him at the right time.
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You say he has the Affordable Care Act which is great. Now say to him "you don't see what I see when I am around you. You are slipping please get a workup on your health or you might not be here for me to marry you." This will put me at ease if you do.

But as you say some people don't go to doctors, I know a few too. But if you are persistence and tell him that its this way or no way maybe he will who knows.

When he starts to argue with you WALK AWAY. Don't let him do this. He will get the message hopefully.

Prayers
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
He does, but it means nothing in the end, as he still has to pay for most everything associated with it (blood work, exams, etc.), so that's probably why he's avoiding it. Yesterday, I even asked him "If *I pay* for it, then will you go to the doctor?" and he didn't get angry, but acted irritated that I was asking him at all. He so DOES NOT want to go to the doctor and tries to avoid it at all costs. "Nothing is wrong with me. I feel fine" is all I can get him to say. SIGH. I admit, this is true - he doesn't have major health issues that are apparent at least and is the picture of health - tall and in shape, great skin, athletic, relatively good stamina, takes supplements and vitamins regularly - but things still pop up from time to time that, if left untreated, an lead to something worse.

The *only* thing he has done recently to change things? He's starting to make and drink his own smoothies because he thinks that somehow will contribute to overall good health and as he said "I can stick around longer for my sweetie." Lord...
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I'm in agreement with most of the others who have advised that you RUN.....get out of the relationship while you still can.

You can't fix him or make him get well.

I suggest reading the book, "Why does he do that. Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." by Lundy Bancroft. There are also many videos on Youtube to watch. It's quite the eye-opener.

His "bumps" into you may not be accidental at all. His foul mood swings may just be who he really is, and it's now coming out.

If you stick with this guy and eventually move or get married then prepare for many years of unhappiness.

I wish you peace.
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What does it matter? Get out if you can. Why would you stay in this situation?
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
Relationships aren't that easy to get out of. Also, this is a come and go kind of situation. The thing is, I can't tell what's causing it and I can't just walk away from the most important man I ever met unless I can identify what's going on. If it can be fixed or remedied - and most importantly, if I can get him to see how his behavior affects me - I'll be happy. If not? Then I'm leaving. I'm not in immediate danger of any kind and I have a support system at the moment outside of my boyfriend. So for now, I'm coasting and getting him to see what the problem is.
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This must be very difficult to handle day to day. Please start keeping a journal of his actions, date and time or record them, if you can. When he says you “got it wrong, didn’t understand what he meant” - show him your notes or play back the recording. He still may not believe you. 63 seems early to me to develop these personality changes, but my sister developed Lewy Bodies Disease in her 50’s and her actions were similar to your boyfriend’s. If he won’t go to the doctor and discuss these issues, you need to decide if that is the way you want to live your life. I know that would be a difficult decision, but do you really want to spend months and years enduring that? I did and wish I had left before my husband’s change of personality and memory lapses led to dementia where he still doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. Give it thought and prayers. I wish you the very best.
Georgia
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NYCWendy1 Aug 29, 2024
No don’t do that
That’s too involved focused on yourself, Miss NOT this!
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Can you arrange a medical assessment for him and will he let you take him?
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
LOLZ, oh hell no! ;-P He'd be so mad if I did that. Eventually I think I will be able to whittle him down. If I gently nag him enough, he goes and does what I ask him. It just takes time and prodding with humor, usually.
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Unless your boyfriend goes to have cognitive testing performed, please don't waste time trying to speculate or assume.

1. When is the last time your boyfriend had a CBC test? cholesterol and blood pressure?

2. If your boyfriend is following politics too closely, he may be reacting to the environment.
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Only100 Aug 29, 2024
Such a great perspective! The political environment is as divisive as I've ever experienced.
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Educate yourself on what dementia is (by) ...

Researching the many experts, books, You Tubes, webinars, etc.

I encourage you to google TEEPA SNOW, read her books, do her webinars, and watch her You Tubes.

Contact a local dementia / Alz Association for support / information.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Wow, I'm so surprised by the number of folks that say run! It makes me so appreciative of my partner. She hasn't run!

I recently started having problems completing my work projects. I just could not remember next steps and started freezing up over the processes that required intellect - things that weren't black and white.

Perhaps the difference is that I reached out to every professional for their perspective. It sounds like your guy isn't willing. An issue for both of you. FaithWhit, you will be in my prayers.

Here is my result. Diagnosed with depression (Dysthymic Disorder) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder from a mental health perspective, likely due to an unsafe childhood environment and other stressors. Then, my primary care physician referred me for an MRI. That test uncovered two additional diagnoses. Basically, brain atrophy that was advanced beyond my 63 years. My neurologist calmed my nerves by ruling out early Alzheimer's. He gave me a great analogy. He referenced the age spots on my arms and said that I have age spots in my brain tissue. Unfortunately, these were more advanced for a person of my age. Fortunately, his advice was a low-dose aspirin daily and to continue therapy for my mental health issues.

In addition, I felt like my wife started mumbling. Hah! So, I went to an ENT doc and was diagnosed with hearing loss. He shared with me how hearing loss impacts the brain. He explained that this impacts the area of my brain that is also impacted by Covid. I had a severe case of Covid two years ago while in Europe. This timeframe correlated to when I started noticing that my wife mumbled. Again, hah! It's really interesting what multiple studies have associated with hearing loss.

But, let me share another perspective. My mother remarried a man 21 years her senior. It worked great while she was 40 and he was a young 60! To others' points of view, she did become a caretaker. She aged more quickly that one would expect and is currently in hospice care at 83.

I wish I could help you more! You're unfortunately in a hard spot. You, alone, will have to decide what is best for you. My thoughts are this; if my wife didn't find some value in our relationship, I'd want her to make the hard decision to leave me. But she didn't have your added problem of convincing me to seek help.

I've found this forum helpful with issues related to my mother's aging and haven't offered much up until now. I see your situation and it seems a lot like what I've been going through from your partner's perspective.
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funkygrandma59 Aug 29, 2024
Only100, the BIG difference here is that you are married and the OP is not. This is just her "boyfriend" so there have been no commitments made here, like you and your wife have made. And that is HUGE.
I never left my husband when he developed dementia, but stayed with him until the end.
But if I was now dating someone who started showing signs of any mental issues/decline, I'd choose to run too, as I don't ever want to go through that again.
I am grateful that you have a loving wife that like me, took her wedding vows very seriously, and is walking along side you on this difficult journey.
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Hey, he sounds like a narcissist. This is how narcissists are. in the beginning, they are very friendly and very easy-going and very cool calm and collected. After a few months the honeymoon period wears off and they become what you are noticing.
Or he could have a Pornography addiction that you are not aware of. Porn addiction causes many other mood and behavioral problems.
If you ask him and he says no, that doesn’t mean that he’s not an addict. Pornography addiction is very shameful to the person experiencing it. They will lie and cover it up.
Any kind of screen addiction could also cause mood issues and erratic behavior.
There is a dopamine deficiency and the lack of dopamine causes the symptoms that cause the behavior.
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
Yup!! I considered this, as a few of the traits that come with that kind of addition are in his wheelhouse (the mood swings/irritability, etc), yet they can still be explained by other things - he also has *never* rejected me sexually or physically or told me I was anything than "hot" (you get what I'm saying) and by the way he acts towards me, I know he's not faking it. There are times when he's tired or isn't necessarily touchy-feely and that can usually be explained by something rational. I was also surprised after several conversations with him that I happen to know more about things like OnlyFans and particular xxx terms that he genuinely knows nothing about, lol. I had to educate him and he was all "Ok, I knew about such and such a thing, but not THAT. No thanks!" etc. And to top that off, of his own free admission, he has told me "I don't browse porn" in conversation about another topic when I *wasn't* asking him one way or another. I told him "Yeah right, and pigs fly" and he was all "Seriously - I don't." /shrug

Trust me, I considered this. I haven't completely ruled it out, nonetheless! But I knew a narcissist previously to him - my guy is a 360 degree opposite, thank God. Self-absorbed in his own crafting world at times, but never to the point of narcissism.
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Since the changes you see happened quite a while after your first encounters, I believe it is related to some cognitive issues possibly Mild Cognitive Impairment.

Mood swings were a salient feature in my wife which compelled us to go see a neurologist, leading to a diagnosis of Frontotemporal Dementia, FTD. I highly recommend that you convince him to see a neurologist sooner than later.

Good luck.
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His behavior does not sound like an indication of dementia. It sounds more like a mood or personality disorder which you should urge him to seek professional help with regulating.
Perhaps he's just moody with you. The newness and excitement of the relationship has now turned into the mundane daily realities of life. Some people are simply not comfortable sharing that much of their space and their time with another.
Whatever the reason, if you don't like his behavior, it may be time to move on from this relationship. You can suggest he get therapy, and if he is willing, that may help, if you want to wait it out.
The glaring issue here is that you want to "fix" him. Your expectations of him do not match what he is giving you. It could be your own insecurities or personality disorder that is creating this "problem". In any case, no one should "endure" a relationship. It's time to move on.
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FaithWhit Aug 30, 2024
No dear, I don't have a "personality disorder". Insecurities? Sure. I'll definitely admit to those. I have anxiety but nothing I need medication for and I have a regular therapist I see for those things and I have hit high strides in overcoming a lot of those issues.

We also don't live together. And yes, there are glaring differences between what he's giving and what I need. It's up to him to change that and up to me to decided what I will tolerate or not.
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