Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Your mother seems to be suffering from mental health issues. If need be, send a letter to her doctor at the hospital about what you have written here. Also contact the social services department at the hospital about what you have written. Social services can get your mother placed into a residential facility that will accept whatever her finances she has - even Medicaid.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Your story almost exactly like mine.

Mom would not keep things cleaned up and she wold not let hired help clean up.

I did not expect a perfectly clean home but just some general cleanliness. She insisted on keeping partially eaten food and dirty paper plates and plastic utensils.

she ended up with bacterial pneumonia. Also to make things even more worse she had a MASSIVE bed bug infestation. Had to bring her to my house with just the clothes on her back while my brothers and exterminator cleaned out the house. Exterminator said one of worst infestation he seen.

whatever you think you might want to do start planning now. Get out the trust and POA and see what they say. Start getting letters from the doctor confirming incapacity. My moms trust had a weird clause. Incapacity is to be determined by a committee of 2 doctors and a priest. Well we never went to church once so don’t know where that came from. The doctors really did not want to give that letter and it was an uphill battle. To make it worse she had become bedridden so how on earth was I going to get her to a doctor when she can’t walk or stand.

I even had to get a lawyer to fix some of the stupid stuff my parents did. What a mess. I’m surprised they didn’t have to lock me in an institute.

good luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

My god - what a mess. This woman has totally screwed herself and is doing the same to you. I don't care what she thinks or feels - she is totally incapable of living by herself and you should NOT bear the burden of caring for her. It will pull you down and destroy you and she will be blind to that. You are NOT guilty, but completely sane if you place her into an appropriate facility at once. You have no choice - don't let her get away with her actions. She MUST be placed at once. You do not deserve to be tortured any longer by her and what she does in her daily life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

BarbBrooklyn hit the nail on the head!!! Follow her directions but at the same time realize that your Mom's reality is no longer the same as yours. You can't "fix" her and neither can the medical profession. Hopefully, you got some pics or video of that apartment when you found her. As the medical power of attorney see if you can get a doctor to give you a mental evaluation while she is in hospital and can't escape on some pretext. If the dx is dementia, you have the power to decide where she will reside. Trust me ... if she is not in a facility, you will replay this last scenario over and over: and it it should never, not even for one hour be with you!!. So have the hospital place her (they will probably send her to a facility for STR); they will ask you to choose the facility but they won't give you a lot of time. I have a feeling she will not really participate in PT but they will try to cajole her into doing the exercises. Depending on the type of insurance (I'm assuming some type of Medicare - traditional or Advantage) she has she may get 5-20 days to participate with her insurance paying all or most of the care. After they finish paying, she will need to apply for Medicaid to stay there. The facility will assist you in the application but as someone said you need to stay on top of the application. Be prepared to supply them with birth , marriage and death certificates, divorce papers - if applicable, 3-5 years worth of bank statements if applicable, rent receipts, social security benefit awards papers ... you get the idea; start getting that together now while she is in hospital so you don't have to hear her complain. Now, if the hospital doctors (and let them see the photos of the apartment) say that she is competent...... there is not much you can do. They can not "force" her to go to rehab nor can they keep her against her will so she will be discharged (hospitals are not under the same type of "safe discharge" rulings that rehab facilities face) to her home. DO NOT go and pick her up. Let the facility figure out how to do that. I mean if she had no family, they would have to get her home on their own. Unfortunately, as this may happen again... you will need to start distancing yourself from the entire situation so that next time they will realize there is no safety net for this woman who needs to be in a facility.

Wishing you good luck on this difficult journey. Please keep us updated.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

First, you are correct in not taking your mother in for sake of your own sanity and your marriage. Two words to the hospital social worker…”unsafe discharge” Inform the social worker from the hospital that you need help finding a placement for your mother. They can and should help you with an application to see if she qualifies for Medicare assisted home living. You said she lives in an apartment so I assume she doesn’t own a home, so that’s a great help when they evaluate her assets. Sounds like There’s a lot going on with your mom’s mental health…depression, confusion, daily living skills. Is she taking her medications correctly? Lots of things to consider. You are not alone in this. Many of us have been there. Only you can decide what works for you and please don’t let anyone guilt you into anything. Good luck and take care of yourself first so you can make healthy decisions. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Your mother may be beyond assisted living and ready for nursing home. Get in touch with social services and medicaide. Tell them everything. They will know what to do for/with her at this point in her life. She's not capable of taking care of herself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

domrocsmom: Imho, not wanting to use her Life Alert because "she wants to lay there and die" is a HUGE red flag that something is majorly amiss with her mental status, that in addition to the garbage with bugs and other things.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

You say, "She is 85 but in the shape of someone 100 and has the mental capacity and judgment of a toddler." Then, "She does not seem to have dementia." Dementia means she has the mental capacity & judgment of a toddler!

Please realize that your mother is very ill and needs help. You are in the perfect position as her POA with her in the hospital now. Do not allow them to release her but insist she be placed in long term care by the social worker at the hospital. You'll get help applying for Medicaid on her behalf.

She is not safe to live alone, or equipped to handle life on her own.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Can you put it in the hands of the court to determine her needs and where she should be - if you cannot afford to sort her out and she will be impossible to get to make a sensible decision let the state decide.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm in the exact same shoes as you with my mom. She sits all day. Not interested in tv, music, puzzles, crafts, magazines...nothing but sit. I don't have power of attorney but I will on Friday. I will make the hard choice of putting them ( mom and dad) in assisted living. It's for their own good and safety. Both my parents live alone and have stairs up to their condo. Both refuse to wear a life alert system. As power of attorney you unfortunately have to make the decision to have her placed. You know she can't be alone anymore. My mom is super stubborn and is dragging myself and my dad down. I'm 62 and had a mental breakdown a little over a week ago. I'm just now starting to see a glimmer of hope. A tiny glimmer. It's so very hard I know. My mom will hate me for it but it has to be done. Do what you know is the right thing to do for her safety. You should feel better once you know she's safe. I know I will. 🙏🙏🙏
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Consider hiring a Geriatric Care Manager. They are social workers who can truly help you and your mother. Your mom sounds ill. She needs caring compassionate assistance and so do you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The best thing you can do for your mother is put her in an assistant living facility. Are you sure your mom does not have beginning stages of Alzheimer's /Dementia?
The reason I am asking is because I found my mom living in a similar situation. I finally had to take charge of the situation immediately. It was not easy, but my mother was no longer able to care for herself at all. Once I got her out of the condominium and took her to doctors describing how I found her she was diagnosed with dementia. After 3 years, my mom is at the severe stage per the neurologist. So, you might think your mom does not have dementia / Alzheimer but what you're describing is the classic symptoms and behavior of it. You should be thankful you have the power attorney on her because at this point it would be very difficult to get her to agree to it. It hard to put them in a facility but she will be safer and cared for much better than being alone.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you don't have POA and cannot pay for her financials, there's very little you can do besides be manipulated in this situation.

This sounds bad, but sometimes people have to face their own consequences.

We had a situation in 2020 that involved both the ILs getting sick and them attempting to guilt the whole family into providing 24/7 including us. No, that's not how it works.

24/7 home health is atrociously expensive. Like $170K/year for two people, which is the bare minimum.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Do you visit her regularly in her home? I have a stubborn brother like this but we ignore his protests and come into the house and attend to things anyway. Your mother may want to die because she realizes no one cares for her. Perhaps her grandson does, but you sound like you are at your wits end. Perhaps you have your reasons. Medicaid does not pay for assisted living which is very expensive. If she isn’t medically eligible for nursing home care and/or Medicaid, I suggest that you go over to her house at least three times a week and attend to things, get her a cell phone and have her check in with you twice a day. When she’s medically eligible for nursing home care, place her and spend down her resources until she is eligible for Medicaid.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Only a Doctor can determine if she has dementia. Sounds like putting her in a home is your only option under the circumstances. She may decide she likes it once shes there awhile.If she gets mad at you she will get over it. Dont stress just do what you need to do for her safety.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I feel like we must have the same mother! I’m going through the same thing except we moved her in with us and now don’t know what to do to get the help we need for her! She doesn’t think anything is wrong with her. It’s just me being controlling and bossy. I get you! Wits end here too! 🙏🏻
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter