I live about 300 miles away from my mother. She's 82 and has Parkinson's. My brother, who has never worked much, lives with her and has done a much better job than expected with cooking, running errands, and lawn care. He makes sure she takes her medicine and encourages her to eat more.
Unfortunately, he also helps himself to her money via her ATM card. He often helps her pay for things so he knows the PIN number. And then he frequently pockets the card and uses it as he pleases. She either doesn't want to get it back or forgets to get it back. He also treats her car as if it's his and spends more time out of the house than I'd like.
I became aware of the ATM withdrawals only recently, when I began monitoring her account online. (I have POA.)
Talking with my brother has little effect--I've always suspected he's a sociopath (no conscience) but that's not a conversation I've ever had with him. He continues to treat the ATM as if it's his personal account.
If I were to simply have him arrested, then my mom will immediately need to be placed in nursing home--which she's completely opposed to. It's possible she would come live with me and my husband. We have the room and would be happy to have her...but we do both work full time. (She'd spend about as much time alone as she spends alone now except that we'd feel bad about it. My brother is often out and about.)
While she's healthy enough to remain in her home, I'd love for her to be able to stay there.
Are there any options here that I don't know about? Friends have suggested opening a new account, but he'd easily take the card for the new account and continue using her money.
Thanks!
I am wondering if she would take her medicine or eat if he were not present. Do you see his value in being there? As her needs grow, will he be expected to provide more care or will she require more supervision?
Is he compensated or given an allowance for errands for this level of care?
Because your brother is family, I doubt he will be arrested if your mother sees him as helpful in any way. I have a credit card which I have authorized my son to use for a limited amount that I feel comfortable with and I can review as needed.
I would refrain from assigning a mental health diagnosis from personal observation and get a formal investigation if there is a financial abuse concern.
How you deal with your brother's theft depends on what you want the outcome to be. If he is allowed to siphon off money unabated then one day you'll open your mom's account to see $00.00 in it. Then you will be forced to be her caregiver no matter how ill or demented she becomes since her "gifting" him money may cause her to not qualify for Medicaid, just for starters.
One other thing to consider: he may easily have her create a new durable PoA assigning him instead of you. This happens all too often. Unless your mom has a medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment in her records right now, this is a real possibility. Then he will cut you out and off completely as he drains her accounts and robs her assets and then dumps her on your doorstep when her usefulness is over. I'd gather the evidence of your brother's theft and bring it to an attorney or detective and put a stop to this before it's too late. Changing accounts is not enough and will just tip him off. I'd show up unannounced in person to check out what's actually going on over there. Bring your PoA paperwork with you. FYI if you both work full-time you won't be the best care providers for your mom as she declines. But that's a discussion for another day. Deal with your brother first and firmly, for everyone's sake. Good luck!
Mom is experiencing dementia due to her Parkinson's and it not yet aware of the withdrawals he's making.
Thanks very much for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks for your reply!
The consideration that he might be sociopathic and has no conscience makes me wonder about his doing a good job of caring for your mother. I had experience over several years with someone who was clinically diagnosed as sociopathic, and observed that his "interaction" with people was always manipulative, never considerate as your brother seems to be.
So I wonder if you're misjudging him?
I also would ask the same question as Barb Brooklyn. And are you certain that the funds he appears to be taken aren't consideration for his assistance? Have you or your mother made provisions to compensate him? I think's that's mandatory if your mother can afford it. After all, he's providing care, and (I don't mean to be offensive) but apparently you're not.
Before reaching any conclusions, I'd politely discuss the withdrawals and get the real story on what's happening. If your mother told him to take funds for her care, you'd be creating an unpleasant situation by accusing him.
And I think if you're thinking he could be arrested, you need to think about gathering all the documentation you can get, as the police will need to review it before even considering any action.
You wrote that discussing the issue has little effect; from my experience and the standpoint of his being onsite doing the work and you being out of the area and observing, I can easily understand he might resent your reviewing his actions.
Give this some thought and try to find a better way to approach the issue, such as discussing compensation for him. If that doesn't work, you can think about collecting documentation.
I certainly don't condone the financial exploitation of the elderly.
But there is NO WAY I would agree to take care of my mom if, say, one of my sisters had financial control. No way. I am not going to be reduced to begging every time I need money to pay for her medicine or supplies. You're willing to let me clean up her dirty underpants, wipe down the bathroom after she can't make it to the toilet in time, get up and run to her every time she needs anything, from a simple glass of water to being lifted off the floor when she falls, and everything in between that encompasses caregiving, but you don't trust me with her money? I would consider that such an incredible insult. Maybe it's just me, but that is how I feel.
Sorry if I am being unkind to the OP, but I think passing judgement from 300 miles away is unfair to the brother. And if he were truly a "sociopath", why on Earth would you feel comfortable leaving him to care for an elderly woman, money issues notwithstanding?
It's a nice way to get out of the house and to mingle with others. Many, also have field trips and guest speakers to come in and give talks They can also have breakfast, lunch and a snack.
After Covid restriction are lifted, and if Adult Day Care has re-opened.
The OP can check on that.
Avoid trying to romanticize what brother is doing right:
"has done a much better job than expected with cooking, running errands, and lawn care. He makes sure she takes her medicine and encourages her to eat more." This will delay your taking action on your mother's behalf, imo. His theft is elder abuse, and he is likely bullying to get his way.
When this happened to my loved one, no one was able to stop the theft even after he (loved one) was moved away from a bad environment. It took a year + for my loved one to be able to use his own money, for his own needs.
It happens, when a bipolar or ADHD adult (son) is supported by parents, lives with them, and the parents age, they can become vulnerable and exploited by the person who could never handle money in the first place, thus the need to be supported by his parents. Not a viable choice as a caregiver to anyone. There could be more happening than is currently understood, including elder abuse, bullying, isolating the senior away from family, etc.
A strong person with POA should be able to act in the best interests of the elder. It was a war. Nothing legal could be done about the criminal living in his parent's house, believe it or not.
Years have gone by. The family's priority is always to see that the vulnerable elder is well taken care of, even from a distance.
(disclaimer: not everyone with ADHD or bipolar is a sociopath, or will run off with parent's money). Looking at the whole picture is helpful. Your brother may need to have some kind of care, supervision or board and care his whole life as a special needs person. If he could barely work all these years, and is dependent on Mom, he should not be put in a caregiving position, at all, and never in charge of any money. imo.
This advice comes from experience, sorry if the view from here is negative.
GardenArtist and notgoodenough, Sociopaths and Psychopaths can be extermely charming to get what they want.
Went through the same with my brother, difference he was not the caregiver I was. Before mom passed, he went to see her in the hospital, rehab facility, and promised to get more involved and help her out. He even cried when she was in the hospital.
Sadly it was an act. He started asking for money not long after she was in the rehab, He had no access to her bank card, but instead she would okay him to get a check for $600, just about every 2 weeks. He woud need her okay to endorse them, so he would come by the home, get a check, take it to the rehab and she was nice enough to sign for one. Guess what? as time went on he figured out he could ask for money, she would okay it, and he would not need to go see her, just get an endorsed check. He would always use the same line "the last time" and only after a short talk, would the asking for money be requested,
It stopped when he did not listen to his body, did not want to give up what he wanted to do and died of a heart attack.
So, Audrey84, see if you can get control of your mom's finances. If you can, you'll see how much your mom means to your brother, and be careful since he may "work" on you.
It's horrifying what could happen here.
My brother has definitely demonstrated that he can't survive on his own.
I need to understand more about Medicaid and his withdrawals so that I can explain to him how this will impact her.
I think the value of setting up payment would be in documenting what he is actually providing...and what he gets in return. Right now he gets quite a bit more than he gives.
Really appreciate the tip about her SS. Right now the check is deposited automatically into her checking. I want to change it to savings.
Open a second account for just you and your mom, and control that money. Deposit a set amount in the first account on a regular basis, and let your brother know what you are doing.
You are very lucky to have the brother there to help with your mother. Another solution would be to move your mother to your city rather than 300 miles away.
My son is getting married next month, so mom will stay with us for the occasion. We're hoping that her visit will make her want to stay. That would solve so many problems.
If your brother is not getting paid but lives there and helps and it keeps you from having to travel to help or trouble shoot then some usage of her funds for him is not unreasonable. If you have access to the account online I would open another account in your mother’s name not connected to the card and only keep household expenses + some fun money for him in the first account. The expenses will tell you how much she needs a month to live and how much he uses for himself. Then hold the difference aside for when your mom needs it for unexpected costs. That way he can’t spend everything down or take more than you allow. Just because a child is taking care of a parent does not mean it should be done for free.
I wish I could describe my brother as a good person. Someone with a job and a home that he could offer to our mom, someone I could trust with decision-making and money. You're very fortunate.
My mom's estate is quite small and will likely be exhausted by her needs as time goes by. The Parkinson's, the dementia and the falls all suggest she will need nursing home care in the near future.
We haven't been paying him and will need to set that up. His withdrawals are about $300 to $800 per week--or were. I do think setting up a separate account would work--one that doesn't give him access to her savings. (He doesn't realize he could be transferring money himself.)
The car is her second-largest asset and right now would pay for 2 months of nursing home care. It's hard for me to think of it as 'just a car.'
There are no good answers here. One thing that's become clear to me is that while it was OK for my mom to choose feed, clothe, and house him when it was her decision to do so, it's really not OK for me to do it--having POA means I'm not supposed to allow someone to fleece her.
When mom died, I really felt lost and abandoned, but considering her mind was gone eaten up with Alzheimer's and kept alive with a feeding tube (ironially she died of OTHER natural causes unrelated to Alzheimer's so she would have died just the same even if she were a normal person). Mom's skin was in perfect condition, and she died age 90. I was her life support for YEARS. My ENTIRE LIFE from the moment I woke up until it was time to put her to bed was centered on MOM. Not think I endured YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of this, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week--and not a single break. Ever.
The feeding tube was a LOT of work to keep clean and infection-free. I never had a problem with it. I knew how to take care of it. It spared mom from dying of dehydration, which is a barbaric process that can take weeks. Because of the feeding tube, mom was very comfortable to the end, and was the most peaceful death one could ever hope for. She was surrounded by love and I devoted every second to her. I cannot emphasize she was VERY HARD and stressful work. Alzheimer's is horrible, and she had it for 15 years.
When mom died I had to resume my life. That means finding work, resuming my education. I managed, but it was extremely difficult. Your brother REALLY will be better off NOT taking care of your mom. He is going to destroy his life, and from the sound of it may even incur legal charges by your hand--a record which will follow your brother for the rest of his life which his potential employers will see. So he will not be able to get a job and end up homeless. The charge will be elder abuse, and no employer will want him after that.
I hope your brother sees this and he better run away from this toxic arrangement and get his life together before it is too late! He seriously needs to get out of there. Since you are contemplating legal action against him--he needs to get out of this as fast as possible.
My husband's uncle had Alzheimer's and was cared for by his wife, who had been a nurse. It was incredibly stressful and exhausting for her--I cannot imagine what you went through. What a blessing for your mom that you were available and able to care for her.
I wish he could 'see' into the future, but his chronic unemployment suggest otherwise. If he *could* leave, my decisions would be much simpler.
Since mom probably should not be driving, it is time to either sell her car or have it signed over to your brother as part of his inheritance. He should pay for gas and maintenance. If he is not the type to pay for insurance, then take care of this as part of his "repayment" for driving mom around.
Talk with him about what would be considered acceptable "time off" from caring for mom. Ask close family, friends, folks from community of faith, or paid help to watch mom on specified days so he can get out to socialize with his friends. Ask a trusted friend(s) to "pop by unannounced" with a treat or to socialize with mom who are willing to report back to you that mom how is being cared for.
Your other option is to move mom to your place and give your brother notice that her place will be sold to cover her expenses - like adult day care or companion/home health aide. Since it appears that he does not provide enough care for your mom - he abandons her to go out - this may have to happen. Give him 30 days notice and tell him he needs to move out so you can get the place ready to sell. Please change the locks on the date you agree on and make sure his stuff is out of her house. If he creates problems, you may need to place a restraining order on him and/or have the police arrest him. There are companies that will buy the house without any improvements for a slightly lesser amount than the value and will "flip it". They give you an offer on the spot and a check if you agree.
She is no longer driving, and depends on my brother to drive her to appointments. You mentioned that if she signs the car over to him, she can do it as part of his inheritance. That's helpful to know--I was reluctant to give him such a major 'gift.' He already treats it as if it's his but of course mom pays for his tickets and gas and insurance.
As we work out an agreement for her care, I hope he'll end up actually making money. Right now what he offers--meals, lawn care, driving--are worth far less than his lifetime of room and board.
Few friends/relatives are willing to pop in--they're livid about his lifelong mooching.
The house is in fantastic shape right now but probably won't be when it's time to sell it.
1) The OP said the brother takes in the range of $300 to $800 a week. If his mother is living on SS or little more than that, then this amount is serious. However, if the mother receives, let's say, $10K per month (or has a substantial portfolio), then this amount isn't as serious in the scheme of things. We need to know a bit more to put this into perspective. If his mother is well-off financially, then the bigger issue is whether the brother would be tempted to do something that would "steal the goose" instead of just taking a few "golden eggs"--this, of course, could make his mother go from never needing to consider Medicaid to ending up needing it but unable to get it due to what would be interpreted as "gifting".
2) It was mentioned that the brother had been in jail a few times. Were any of these incarcerations due to acts of dishonesty? Did he have any issues with addictions such as drugs, alcohol or gambling, or was he ever convicted for selling drugs? If he were put out and made to support himself, it may be that his record effectively makes him unemployable, or at least unable to obtain a job by which he could afford to support himself on his own income.
I agree that there need to be some serious discussions regarding the situation so everyone knows what's permitted and what isn't, how much money he should be given and for what reasons (such as a caregiving contract if it is decided he should continue in this role), and making certain, as I've mentioned above, that the "golden goose" is off-limits to him and out of his reach. However, he probably realizes that it is in his own best interests to keep his mother as healthy as possible for as long as possible. By the way, how old is the brother? (I would assume somewhere in his 50s.)
1. Yes, mom lives on SS, a small annuity, and little else. Her estate is not large. He's imagining both the goose and the golden eggs.
2. He's unable to support himself. I believe he's a small-time dealer, but my evidence is thin. If he is a dealer, he's not very good at it.
3. He's 55.
If anyone should be arrested it may be you for taking financial advantage of him! I think you should agree on an hourly rate for him.
You might want to consider purchasing gift cards for the places most frequented. And if you don't mind my saying so, you ought to consider yourself very lucky to have your brother not "work much" so he can be so accessible and available for your mother. Do you have any idea of how much hiring a caregiver is? Figure $20/hr minimum. I wouldn't fault him for going out once in a while either. And to have meals prepared and lawn care too? Tally it up and it may not come up to whatever he is taking. Is he on disability? He may potentially be eligible or for other sources of support as well. And you might want to educate yourself on the adult child exception when it comes to Medicaid if one needs to be in a nursing home.
You are lucky to have him. Hiring privately or through an agency, or taking on caregiving yourself is no picnic and has stress and hassles you can't even imagine.
I'll do some reading about the adult-child exception.
She may have said to your brother he can use it to cover his expenses since he's caring for her or she may not care that he uses it because he's her son.
You need to have a conversation with your mom while your brother is out and about.You'll have clarity and be able to proceed accordingly if warranted.
My brother was upset that I was being paid. Having a third party handling the finances is a good way to protect yourself and give your brother accountability. I have POA, so I was the one that had put all of this in place, but it has proven to be worth the extra expense.
What is your brother using the money for? Is he getting cash or buying groceries and supplies for your mom, or going out and using the money on himself?
I had instituted an envelope/ receipt system when I moved in with my mom full time and have one envelope for receipts for things directly related to mom’s care, one for mom’s personal use (hair dresser, take out, treats) and one of what my husband and I spend towards the up keep of the house and things we buy for mom. This system worked beautifully when I was being investigated bc I was able to produce all the receipts and my brothers and the investigator both were surprised where the “misused monies” actually went. It also helps a lot when it comes to tax time bc there were things that could be deducted we were unaware of for mom.
I would highly recommend doing a caregiver agreement with your brother which states how much he is supposed to stay with your mom a day.
Also, set up a salary for his services. I make $700 every two weeks, an amount I chose, and I am a 24/7 caregiver.
Also, work out a way to have someone come in for four or eight hours a week to stay with your mom to give your brother a designated time off.
This will make him feel both more accountable to your mother and reinforce that you appreciate what he is doing. Psychologically, this is a big deal to the caregiver.
No matter how you feel about your brother and his mental health there is a big impact and a major commitment on his part to follow your mother’s wishes. You are both part of team Mom, but it does sound like there are mechanisms that can be put into place to make it an even stronger team.
Do you have monthly visits of several days' duration with your mom? That might help you better understand the situation and stay connected. Having your mom move in with you down the line might be much more challenging and time-consuming than you expect. You want the best for her, of course.
Where is the money coming from? Is there a high balance in the account, or is this coming in monthly for retirement? Are there minimum IRA distributions?
Rather than closing your mom's account or canceling the debit cards, you can open a new interest-bearing savings account with yourself and mom. You can then move funds over to cover future care, taxes, medical bills, and so forth. The expenses will go up, so start setting aside funds now.
Leave a generous monthly amount in the account to cover both your mom and your brother's expenses including extra discretionary funds. Get your brother's input on what is needed for the two of them. He will explain it, and he may come up with a relatively low amount.
Make sure he understands that the budget must cover the utilities (on auto-pay), property taxes and so forth as you determine. Then add a generous amount to that, and then let him continue to manage it and use the debit card. You should be able to monitor this by viewing the account, and by receiving notifications of withdrawls. Most debit cards will not work if there is no cash in the account. You can also choose to pay larger amounts like property tax out of the savings account.
This way your brother continues to manage and spend, but the budget is built in, and he will hopefully not feel micromanaged. You will also hopefully prevent a situation that screams distrust of your brother, which canceling the debit card would do. Keep the trust. You have a long road ahead.
Also--who is going to look after your brother when your mom is gone? Perhaps some planning should be done in that area too.
Best of luck with getting a smooth road in place.
Praise is very effective with my brother--I am trying hard to be as positive and respectful as I can be because I do truly appreciate what he does.
My mom hopes that I'll care for my brother after she's gone. She thinks I'm going to let him live with me.
Mom has allowed him to live with her and has turned a blind eye to his, ah, financial habits, for many years. She does indeed think she's taking care of him.