In July we are going to auction off my childhood home of 40+ years. My dad died 3 years ago, and my mom just moved to assisted living. We have to go the auction route bc the house is FULL of 'stuff' to put it politely. My dad's clothes are all still there...uh...crying as I write this...I live 1200 miles away and have tried to clean out every visit, but this will be a one-week visit gauntlet from Hell for me where it HAS to be done and there will be NO going back. I LITERALLY don't know how I am going to get through this. This is worse than when my dad died, which sounds awful. It is SUCH a beautiful house, with beautiful woodwork and in the country...I don't know how I will ever drive away from that house for the *LAST* time. I plan on bringing my mom to see it for the last time - any tips there? We have a garage in another place in which to store stuff - should we just put what she wants to keep there until she dies? My mom is still, for the most part, 'with it', but thinks in a child-like, unrealistic way, which I see here a lot.
Every time I even THINK of it, I have a meltdown. It doesn't help that I have no husband or boyfriend and my sister and I don't really get along and she HATES that house (? I have no idea why) I am trying to mentally prepare myself, but I love that house so so much...every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every birthday, every 'meet the new boyfriend' every 'I need to go home' And NOW of all times...
Any kind words of advice would be appreciated. This forum has been SO helpful to me.
Look into hiring someone locally to help you move things out and into the garage you plan to use for storage. You can rent a UHaul or a small truck for very little money, and then hire someone with strength to do the heavy lifting for you. Have a talk with yourself that you will NOT have any meltdowns during this move out because that will just create a bad scene for your mother who is already acting child-like. Creating a dramatic situation will help neither of you get through this! Plan to pick and choose items from the house that mean the most to you both; ask the question 'does this item bring me joy?' and that will determine what you keep. That's a tip from Marie Kondo, the queen of de-cluttering your life and organizing it. Pre-determine how many boxes you will bring with you to the garage so there's nothing do decide on last minute. When you line your ducks up beforehand, there's less stress in general to deal with the day of.
Wishing you the very best of luck getting through this event. You CAN do it! You are strong like bull! You and mom will come through this will flying colors and be able to lean on one another for support and strength. Feed yourself these types of positive messages moving forward, and plan to stop by a patio restaurant for lunch or dinner and DRINKS after it's all over.
GOOD LUCK!
I used to work for a storage place and I cannot tell you how many tens of thousands of dollars families spend keeping stuff for sentimental reasons. Stuff will weigh you down. Stuff isn't what gives you the comfort and the pleasure. It's the memories. No one can take those from you. They are yours.
A new family will own and love that house and make their own cherished memories. A man named Viktor Frankl said that everything can be taken from you except your right to choose how you are going to handle a situation. Choose to be grateful for your loving memories and choose to be generous in releasing the home to a new family.
Like all "graduations", this is bittersweet. I wish you comfort.
Unless your folks are apt to have squirreled away Kugerrands or kept stuff in ziplocks, or really kept furnishings & drapes tippy top clean & temperature controlled for decades, most of what’s there will be past it’s prime for being collectibles. Really just a couple of moldy books or moldy back of a piece of art or piece of furniture will ruin everything in its airspace in a storage unit.
It sounds like your planning on having your mom with you on this adventure?, is that right? if so really you have to have help. You cannot let her venture thru the place on her own.... nothing but nothing will get accomplished. And you have a drop dead auction date, you cannot be all maybe manana. Find help. Good luck.
We won't take her to the house while it's being cleared, repairs made, and getting ready for rent. We don't believe she could handle it well. She'd lived there 50 years.
Best wishes and I hope all goes well! Be strong, and patient! You can do it.
If I were you, I'd would slowly walk through every room in the house and make a recording of, as you narrate, the most precious memories of things and events that took place there, and do the same for the outside of the house, the yard, any nice neighbors that you want to remember, etc. Whenever you feel nostalgic and want to revisit your old childhood home, you can look back at the recording and relive the good times.
My friend just went through this with her childhood home. Her father passed fifteen years ago, her mother with dementia lives with her. My friend had the responsibility of getting the house ready for sale. She took her mom to the house for one last visit. She walked her through each room and asked her to tell her memories about the room as she recorded it all with her phone. Oh the stories her mom told! Her memories were as clear as if they had just happened yesterday. Even though I've never met this woman, I watched every video (15 minutes segments) that my friend posted and got a glimpse, not of the lady she is today, but of a young mom raising her family thirty years ago.
If you could do this, I think this would be the most precious keepsake you could possibly have of your childhood home. Your mom's voice, your mom's stories.
Me being more practical I would ask yourself, in spite of the memories, are you able to purchase the home and make all the repairs and renovations to keep the home functioning in good shape? Probably not. In that case you need to let it go.
My hubby and family had to sell their childhood home 3 yrs ago to pay for MIL’s LTC/MC. He went up and spent the weekend with his siblings and they went through it together. It was very hard on him, as, like you, his whole life was spent in that house growing up.
But sell they did. A year later hubby drove past his old home and it was totally renovated- didn’t even look like his house.
Everything changes; nothing stays the same. It’s all perspective. You are not only mourning the loss of your childhood home but the loss of your parents as well (essentially both if mom has dementia now). It’s a huge realization. Very emotional.
But in the end it’s only “stuff”- an old house with old memories. What you will remember most are the sentiments behind those events that were so important in your life.
Don’t even store anything - clean it out. I have stuff of my mother’s I have kept from her apt now for 7 years that I should have let go then. It sits there taking up space not only physically but in my heart as well. I too need to learn how to let go.
The end of this chapter in your life is difficult but you’ve been able to get through difficult situations in the past due to the love and support you received during your time in that house.
That’s priceless.
AMEN! I am cleaning out my parent's house now and have found several boxes of their parent's stuff and my mother's grandmothers stuff. Before her passing in December at 94 years, my mother and I had started on a Swedish Death Cleanse finding homes for her precious items and weeding down my stuff. Now I am working on it a little every day. I have 70+ years of paperwork. My relatives tend to live to their mid-nineties, and are packrats. Lots of goodies to go though. You will survive.
It's just TOO EMOTIONAL for you right now to approach this mammoth project, and you WILL make errors that you will regret later. Believe me. I'm still recovering from that.
First, another issue: is the home is otherwise good condition? Are you auctioning the contents or the home, or both? If the home, stop right now! Find a realtor with whom you're comfortable, and let that person help you. Realtors often know of good auctioneers, people to help with asset disposition and other close-out issues.
Second, your post is traumatic and emotional, expressing your own trauma at having to do this. Do you have the funds to keep the house over the summer? If so, if you're not working or working from home, consider spending more than a week there with specific goals, as opposed to the whole house.
Third, start with a list of the least memorable things, and work through to the harder items, which will help you acclimate to disposition easier than if you approach the task in the emotional state you're in now.
E.g., your father's clothes can be donated, either to a Salvation Army, or a Veteran's organization or other organization of your choice. I've been told by a number of people that clothes don't bring much at auctions. So save the auctions for furniture and larger objects, but even they can be donated. SA and Purple Heart both pick up at a home, if you can just get the stuff outside. I believe VFW does as well.
I sense your urgency as well as your anxiety and trauma, and having been there, know that it's hard to make good decisions with all that stress. Try another route: prioritize: easy things w/less emotional value first. Kitchen utensils, towels, sheets, etc. don't have as many memories as photos.
Fourth, take time to find a removal company that really works with you, not one of the 800 Junkers. Try JDog Junk Removal & Hauling in Orlando, FL 32819. They're not close to your area, but my JDog drives just as far to help me.
They're a Veteran owned company, and Vets often help out. The last time they came, a Marine on leave used that time to help them. They're hands down, the best ever service I've hired for home cleanout, far more knowledgeable, reliable and competent, with resources to handle some demolition that other companies wouldn't touch.
I know 1200 miles is a long, long way to drive, but if you can make each visit longer than a week (which is much too short a time for a cleanout), you can acclimate yourself to the task, and lessen the trauma.
(If I haven't convinced you yet, post back and I'll keep trying!)
I like how flylady says to let go of things to bless others. The idea of blessing others with things has made the process of letting things go.
My Moms house was falling apart because with Dads disability and then after his death Moms income was cut, there never was any money for upkeep. I cleaned it alm out with a little help from DH. You are going to have to harden yourself. You won't have time to be sentimental. Take a room at a time. If you think there is something you want, put it aside. I gave furniture to Habitat for Humanity. I gave house wears and other things to thrift shops. Mom lived onva main road so stuff put out near the road was gone. Bag clothes and put them in a clothes bin. Hire a dumpster if u need to. There were 3 of us. I bought storage boxes and put our name on each of them. As I found things of theirs and pictures, i thru them in their box. Save pictures for the last thing you go thru. You may just want to deal with them when u get home. Those things you put aside, go thru them again, u may find you can part with a little more. This is a job you have to get done. Save the tears when its all over. My Moms house is being all fixed up. I'm hoping he will allow me in to see what he has done. If I had the money, I would have fixed it up, but at 70 I needed that money for my retirement.
Then someone here on the forum recommended swapping out one of my own items and replace it with something owned by my parents. What a great idea !!! My parents had some lovely china based lamps so I swapped out my metal base lamps and donated.
I took my Mom's china custard bowls and swapped out tin containers that I used for paperclips on my desk.
The 4 drawer dresser I had as a child is now sitting in my family room replacing a piece of furniture I no longer had feelings for :P
Anyway, you get the picture. Oh yeah, don't forget to swap out any pictures hanging on the walls.
Once the house was a building filled with furniture and a few knickknacks, it was much easier to cope with emotionally. I used storage as a way to delay detailed sorting and focused on getting the house emptied, cleaned with a few minor renovations, and ready to sell. I brought a lot of storage tubs home a couple at a time to go through but I also went through a lot of them at the storage facility. Either way, the stuff was easier to sort out of the house where they had resided for so many years.
I wouldn't take you Mom there
Good luck
Selling it was like experiencing another death. Letting go of the memories was difficult. It was also like having to let my mother go all over again. It took me a very long time to heal, but I did. It will be painful, but the pain does lesson.
One thing I should warn you about...disconnecting the phone will be a nightmare. I was crying while doing it. The thought of never dialing her number is still heart breaking.
Stay strong. God Bless you and your mom during this difficult time.
I have a heart condition that's hereditary and recently found out it's considerably worse. I saw my heart surgeon last weekend and I'm not a good candidate for surgery so it's just a matter of time. I lost my brother and only sibling to cancer 17 yrs ago and my dad to Ahlzheimers 15 yrs ago.
I had moved out of state in 1988 and made the decision to move back to the city I grewup in after my youngest son graduated from high school. My oldest son had joined the Navy and the other 2 were living with me. When I moved I gave them a choice about moving with me. The house I was selling was their childhood home. They chose to stay in the house until it sold (I don't recommend this) and my fiance and I moved back to my hometown to help my mom with my dad (she was 9 yrs younger). They still lived in my childhood home and doing chores around the house and painting it gave me a real sense of purpose and pride. My husband helped too.
I was my mom's POA and ask her to change it and add my oldest son. She finally did it although I could challenge it in court because she's not of sound mind. I've already announced if I'm still here that I will be staying at the house until I'm done going through each room. I'm going to take my time just as you should and I'm going to borrow the idea from above comments about taking a audio/visual recording of each room. I love that idea!
My mom still has my dads clothes in the closet and his dresser is full. She occupies every closet in the house. My plan is to donate as much as I can to the Disabled Veterans and what the rest of the family doesn't want will go to the Salvation Army. I may butt heads with the rest of the family but I'm not going to be rushed so they can sell it. There's a high probability the city will be buying her house because it's in a 100 year flood plain and I've been cleaning up flood muck since 1977.
My concern is the change in POA'S. It has gone to my son's head and he thinks he's "Charles in Charge ".
You take all the time you have or want in your childhood home and really concentrate on the items in it. I understand what you're going thru and it's going to be a struggle since alot of things will mean alot to you and nothing to anyone else.
You're in my thoughts and prayers and I'll be wondering how you're doing when the time comes. We've been blessed to have spent our childhood in the same house, alot of people can't say that and don't understand the deep feelings we have. There's nothing wrong with being sentimental and I believe that's how our family history is passed down. We care enough to save that stuff and pass it down to the generation that wants it. Goodluck and let us know how it goes. You can do this!
I have to agree with Cindy916 that disconnecting the phone was so hard! I put that off for quite a while. It was the number I grew up with (back in the days of 4 family party lines) and the one I would call daily to talk with my parents after I got married. I still feel sad when I think about it.
The house sold and a new family moved in last February. They have a young daughter and I truly hope they will grow to love the house as much as we all did. I have a hard time driving by but I have other family who still live on the road so it's unavoidable at times. I have to tell myself that a house is a place of memories and I will always have those even if I don't have the "box" that holds them.
Purchase the house for fair market value just in case there are problems with Medicaid later. (I do see this might be a problem if the house goes through Auction..if y'all don't get FMV there may be problems with application later if that is a concern)
Keep in mind that Auction will take a % of everything that is sold not just the house..and the % a realtor gets might be less than what an Auctioneer gets.
I would not bring mom to pick out pieces just to pay to store them. No sense in that.
If you can't relocate and buy the house it is a house with 4 walls. What makes a HOUSE a HOME is the people that are there. If what made your house a home is no longer there you have 4 walls and memories.
It wasn't the house that greeted you every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every Birthday, every "meet the new boyfriend, every "I need to go home...it was the people that gave you the warm hug, the kiss on the cheek...not the house.
But a house needs repairs and upkeep are you up for that? How long has the house been neglected and maybe band-aided as far as repairs go? How many repairs are needed? Is it worth it?
Not having THAT house, home to return to is not what is heartbreaking it is the sense of loss...loss of dad, loss of mom, maybe even the loss of the "what if's" in life.
You do absolutely have to get involved hands-on in the sale, do you? There are auction houses that will deal with the whole boiling if you want.
The house was sold to a young couple who absolutely love the house! I visited there about 2 years after my dad’s death (mom passed before him). The new owner asked if I would like to walk through the house to see the updates, or if it would be too emotional for me. I told her that I would love to see what her family has done to make this their home. They had a little boy by that time and she said that she wanted her children to grow up in this house. My heart was so happy to see the changes and to know that the house was bringing joy and new memories to another family. It really was wonderful!
As several have said, “a house is only 4 walls, but a home is made by the people in it and the memories they share.”
Do get assistance with your cleaning and purging (I really like what GardenArtist recommended by using the Veterans owned company and getting help and advice from a realtor. Also, keep only the items that give you happy memories. I inherited art from my artist dad, and it hangs beautifully throughout my home. I have a few antiques and some photos. I like things to have a “place” and “purpose” in my home. If it just takes up space, it’s not benefiting me, and often there is someone who could enjoy it—so throughout the year, I donate items.
There are actually companies that you can hire to clean out the house. You can also consider having an estate sale first for bigger items such as furniture. Set it up as a "cash and carry only, no holds, no returns or refunds."
You can take care of this on ONE visit from out of town. (I should know, since I did it single-handedly when I was in your situation.) You can stay in the house for couple of weeks or so to get everything set up.
I sense that it's not the "house building," per se, that is causing you difficulty. It's the fact that many MEMORIES are associated with that house. So, hang onto those memories - and then let the house go. This is the best way to cope with it. (Been there, done that.)