Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?

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Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?

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What do you do when mom is God? Until her diagnosis she was, is and has been a hyprochondriac It has baffled me terribly even today. Truly my mom was the smartest most beautiful woman in the world (she is) and up until my mid twenties I would watch and admire her for all that god gave her to include the power of influence, sweetest personality, and trust worthy. The mistake all for her glory i would learn, humility nope, and then later figured out her 'do for others' as she often did with the expectation that they would basically worship her or assist in helping her to maintain her invalid posture. In other words she loved to read, was always in pain, in the bed, and quite happy in isolation. the question is now she really is sick. The bitterness and resentment and I think to say even hate at times I swallow but to try and turn my son, and daughter against me to such a degree that she blames me for all the problems in her life practically, and it hurts! to argue at all is senseless and I just don't know what to do??? Oh and psychiatrist or psychologist she would never go she is one. ha ha I have to laugh to keep the tears from falling. thank you for listening to me and I welcome all. god bless and keep you and yours in the hope that you have a fullfilling new year!

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Well, first of all, your mum is NOT God. It is not healthy for people to worship anyone, or from anyone to expect to be worshipped. It sounds to me like you need therapy to work out your bitterness and resentment. To me, your mother sounds narcissistic - blaming everyone else for her problems is a clue. Arguing with her is pointless -she will never see anyone else's point of view. Narcissists will not seek treatment as they are convinced the problems are everyone else's fault. You can't change her - you can only change yourself. You might want to google "daughters of narcissistic mothers" It has much useful information. There are other webistes too which are helpful, and books. workbooks etc,

Now to your question - "Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?" The answer is yes for me, and others on this site. I do it all the time. Fortunately mine lives in another city. I avoid contact with her by not answering most phone calls, not reading or responding to emails until I am ready to, and even then I respond to few of her many emails, and, most of the time, not visiting when I am in her city. I have not (yet) cut off all contact, but I still may, as the stress she causes me affects my health. If you have a narcissistic parent you have to protect yourself. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))and good wishes Joan

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Judging from the number of responses, this is apparently a common problem. My mother is negative about everything, other than her self. She is constantly talking about other people or complaining about some thing in the house. She also has a huge chip on her shoulder about her age and thinks any conversation is about her and her short comings. The other day, I was talking about boarding my dog and made a comment she is hard to handle. My mother chimed in " how can you talk about line that when I'm sitting right here"! I retorted, we are talking about theDOG, not you! Not everything is about YOU! Since I promised my mother I would never put her in a nursing home or assisted living, I just have to put up with it. To deal with the stress I either get in my car and take a little ride, lay in the tub and take a nice long warm bath, or simply walk away. I have told her that its difficult to have a nice conversation if she is always going to get defensive. I think it's finally sinking in... Especially since her grandson and his wife witnessed the "dog" remark. Thanks for letting me vent. Hugs to all!

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Yes! me too. I dread hearing her get up in the morning. As you stated, it starts with I am sicker than you. Now, I make sure she has medicine, coffee and cereal (never anything else) then, I go to my room (of which I built and paid for) and hide out as long as I can. Start my day. I am so sick of all this but it is another story.
Mom has got me so rattled that now I can't figure out if it is me causing the problems or her. I have several medical issues. She blames me for everything. Even when she tells me where she wants it, I forced her into putting it there. Tear my hair out!! I haven't got started with this so I will stop now.
I am so sorry that you and your husband are going thru this. If the knew how to fix this, I would tell you. I don't. So, hide, run, read in the closet, go outside, have selective hearing and more. Here are best wishes to you and your.
p.s. If you have an idea or what to chat, just look me up.

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Mornings are awful! It starts with a litany of aches and pains and progresses to complaints of isolation right down to boredom. From there it escalates to accusations of her "stuff" being stolen from her. DAILY! I could really relate to the comment about running from the sound of the walker. Boom chhhh, boom chhh, boom chhh... that rhythmic familiar sound that sends chills up my spine. Because I know it will be accompanied by something that is not good. So glad that I actually find humor in all these letters and hope you all can do the same. We are a rare breed.
Love and prayers to all of you!

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Rebecca, I feel it would be time to put your mother in a NH. I know b/c my mother is in a NH and she is very negative. Thankfully she was very sweet when I was growing up and being bullied at school. Now she is negative and is hard to live with. I could never take her into my home. Life is short, enjoy all the minutes you have.

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I can honestly say I am right there with you. My mother is 60, she still works and is very independent. I moved her in with my family because she was unhappy in her marriage and has custody of my younger brothers child. I was working and going to school full time and have 3 children of my own. It seemed like a win win situation. The problem is she hates everything.....("that's stupid") is her favorite phase and she uses it all day every day. Before she moved in Stupid wasn't a word I allowed my children to use. Our biggest arguments are over my need to make her life better. I want her happy, of which she claims to be, but she hates Texas, (we moved here 7 months ago) she hates her job, (its the second one she has had since the move, she hated the first one to) she hates the people, the school, the upstairs floor in her room squeaks, we don't keep the house warm enough, the kids are constantly bickering, the bird I brought her won't quit biting her, the flat screen TV my brother bought for her room is complicated. I could literally gone on for days. Worst of all today she posted on facebook about how selfish I am and I don't understand how my actions effect other people. I dealt with a six month period of depression a few years ago, it was really bad. I know the signs and I was looking in the mirror and saw them. I started looking for an outlet. I don't know about you but just being able to vent on the forum has helped so much. It's true to an extent that misery loves company. I look at it more as misery is easier to deal with when you know your not alone. I love my mom as I am sure you love yours but there comes a time when you just have to cut and run. I myself am looking for a way out, I haven't found it yet and don't expect it to magically appear, but it helps to know I have tried and where I am not a quiter, my husband, children and my sanity have to come first. Good luck to you, you are not alone!!!!!!!

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Listen. Every one of you who has that black-cloud-of-a-mom living in your house is a saint. I could never do that. My 90 year old mom has always been negative and a hypochondriac; I lived under her roof the first 18 years of my life and, along with my sister, was suicidal and depressed (hidden, of course). I work solely to pay for mom's living expenses, she refused to leave her big house when she could no longer afford it. All of us have these crosses to bear and my coping skill of late is to ignore all the negative talk. If she's on the phone, I set the receiver on a towel until the buzzing stops. If she's in my car (to yet another doctor's appointment) I say nothing. I concentrate on the radio, the traffic, the beautiful scenery. When she finally winds down - and has received no response - I bring up something totally different (and positive). I work where people have tragedies, young people die too soon, people are really REALLY sick. I see them valuing each moment they have on earth, and used to agonize that my mother had wasted decades looking into the darkness, refusing anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds. The key, ladies and gentlemen, is not to go down into that darkness with her. A friend with an equally nuts mom recently said, "the greatest generation my a**". Yes, they WERE great in war times. But now, not so much. Take heart and good luck with rising above the sea of negativity. We're all in this together.

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I toohav a very negative mother. She has been negative most of her life and very independent. Now at 90, she has to depend on me, but is finding it difficult to accept and is resentful and abusive, even though she knows that without me she could not go on. My Dad, who has been deceased for 12 years, warned about her, and told me never to take her into my home to live with me, as she will destroy my like.
I listened to himand when the time came, she lived in assited living and eventually in a nursing home. She was in a terrible car accident in which she was run over by a car and somehow survived. She needed constant care, was hospitalized for several months and had to have caregivers just to survive when she was discharged. Even then, the toll on me was horrendous. Nothing I did was right,. She wanted to die and felt I was not doing enough for her. She was to be the center of my attention. She even told my sister who lives far away the she was more important than her husband.
Out of all that, I ended up with a breast cancer scare and pneumonia for my troubles. Now i realize that i should not bee too concerned by day to day antics which are being used to pul my strings, as she has been doing all my life.
Because I am a good daughter, caring and understanding and the only one of her children living in her city, I get all of the abuse.
I have walked out and not returned for several days. Once she even called and stated that she did not understand why I was upset. After all, we are family.
She is now almost 91 and is in and out of hospital. I have a granddaughter and my daughter had to undergo life threatening open heart surgery giving birth. This has put another spin on my mother's problems. She is not the centre of my life, my children are much more important and need me and does my very patient husband. Do not allow your abusive mother to take over your life. She hs to realize that she should be grateful for the care you provide and allow you to live the life you have chosen without her interference.

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Amen!!!

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I feel guilty for even posting about this, but reading and sharing similar situations helps to give me insight and realize there are other people going through this. My mom is an independent 82 year old who is recently widowed. She complained for the last year in a half that she felt lonely living in a large 3 bedroom house with the closest family member four hours away (she moved away from us 20 years ago). So, long story short, she sold her home and downsized to a smaller place three miles from my which my husband and I spend months updating and remodeling for her. Once she moved in, the complaining started to the point of being unbearable. She compared every little thing to her previous home, which I tried to be understanding of the fact that it would take some adjusting to get use to a new home. She complained about the weather, the drawers in the kitchen, the speed bumps in her community, to barking dogs a few houses away. Anything and everything you can imagine, she found something to complain about. And many times in a passive-agressive manner..."oh I wouldn't have burned Thanksgiving dinner if I had made it in my other house". During a conversation recently, I mentioned that maybe she can look at all the great things that has come about since she moved closer and dwell so much on the negative. How we now get to spend a lot of time together, attend family functions, get re-acquaintated and even meet grandchildren, etc. She then blurted out that it was all my idea that she sell her house and move and the least I could do is be patient with her complaining. Talk about feeling guilty now. I explained that that wasn't fair, and although I did encourage the idea, she made the final decision, which she says I coaxed her into but that now that's it done, she has to just "deal with it". This post looks more like a venting session for me lol but any advise or comments to share would be great! A recent update with my mom, we moved her again (6 months later from last move) to a place and area she preferred. Just after 3 days, the complaining about this new place has started in full force. I am suppose to help with unpacking tomorrow, but it's so difficult to be around her and not get affected by the chronic complaining. After a visit with her, I feel like finding the nearest bridge! It's also taking a toll and my household since I come home feel depressed, upset, guilty and even angry sometimes.

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Double amen! I might add that sometimes it's helpful (for me, anyway) to stop ruminating over the abuse by a negative elder by substituting a mental image. Mine is a brick wall. That keeps all those sad and defeated thoughts and the "what can I do to make this better?" internal dialogues at bay, and lets my mind turn to more hopeful and positive events. Or, as with our friend above, giving care to others in need. Just don't forget that you need to be kind to YOU, too!

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Wow. i love this forum. i care for my mom in her home. i live with her. although our situations aren't exactly the same, pretty darn close. i love my mom. she is a great person, but i never imagined old age would be like this. i sympathixe with you on the negativity. be careful, it rubs off on you. my mom too never had a positive thing to say anymore. i just constantly try to put myself in her shoes. wil i be the same when i am 84? maybe. don't feel guilty. when i hear my mom's walker creaking in the morning i prepare myself. it consumes you. good luck staying positive. this isn't really an answer. but just want you to know you are not alone.

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I am lucky that my mother does not live with me and never will. She has been a very emotional needy negative person most of her life. After my stepfather died she attempted to latch on to me to meet her wants and needs. At first I tried to help her but it become too much. The more I gave, the more she wanted and needed. I had to start weaning myself away from her constant wants to where I help only with her most crucial needs which is 2 to 3 times a month. It was the only way I could handle her without throwing up my hands and walking permanently away.

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RebeccaLynn,

I totally understand avoiding the negative mother situation. I wind up cringing in one room of my own house waiting for my mother to get to another part of the house so I can avoid having to hear one more toxic statement, or even make eye contact.

Thankfully She is still well enough we can leave her here alone for an evening out. When we return she is always waiting up to spoil our good mood when we get home :( BTW my mom is like mjhoward's a"problem for every solution"......

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Absolutely. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic. I have to keep contact to a minimum for my own survival. She has always been difficult, and that hasn't changed. She is relatively well, lives in an ALF, complains all the time - in fact looks for things that are not up to her standards -(which are unreachable), and makes crises out of the simplest things, like undercooked porridge. She lives by choice in another city, and has people there who shop etc. for her. As I get older, the stress of communication with her is harder in me, so I have had to curtail it more. Not what anyone would like for their family, but it is my reality. She tries to use fear, guilt and obligation to manipulate people to do her bidding. Thankfully, I have been able to detach from that. Good luck to anyone who has to deal with this kind of thing. It scars you for life.

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mother makes me sick

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My Mom has a lot of days like that and I get frustrated too. But I say to her, please stop being so negative. Or if you keep being so negative I don't want to talk to you. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't so I hurry and change the subject to something more positive. Like it is a beautiful day or anything.

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Has anyone else avoided their mother because of her negativity?

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