After 11 months, working full time and doing most of if not all the household duties, i feel like more of a room-mate then a husband most of the time. One of my best friends to the both of us offered to come over and be my FIL's "gopher"to give is a much needed break together. My wife said no as she did not want to leave her dad and burden him with the task. This has been my last 11 months. Even now as she knows he needs to go to AL, she is hesitating and reciently told me to "back-off" on the subject as it is upsetting her. So as I am researching AL places on my own, i am getting more bitter every week.
Help........need advise AGAIN!
There are some posts here about easing the transition for the move, if you need additional ideas on what to take, the day of the move, etc. I can't remember if I posted a link before and am too lazy to check my old messages.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/move-easy-for-dad-to-assisted-living-185662.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=AL+move%2c+easing+transition
Are you going out to celebrate after the move?
Your keeping us informed has been very helpful not only to see a positive conclusion to an uncomfortable situation, but also because it's good insight into how some complicated situations take a few twists and turns before reaching a result that's positive and helpful for all.
We talked to a social worker today (finally) and are making LTC arrangements for his dad, outside of our home.
Both are diabetic, and insist in three HOT cooked meals made to order daily. Both eat at different times. Both stopped doing anything for themselves, and started calling 911 for inappropriate things like getting unlisted phone numbers. They have the attitude that everyone should stop what they are doing to tend to their every whim. So social services got involved and said they could no longer live without 24/7 attendance. (We did hire home health from morning until bedtime, but the 2nd shift was promptly fired by the FIL and MIL because all they did was "sit on their asses.")
The MIL is now in rehab and the FIL is in our home. He has control of his bladder, but refused to get up to pee at night and refuses to use a urinal, leaving us to wash the pissy sheets, bed pads and clothes. He is NOT bedridden and walks with a walker, he has a powerlift chair yet yells for us to wait on him. He demands three full course meals a day when he wants them, and then complains about everything. He refuses to wear hind teeth or hearing aide, so we have to shout at him, snd he continously interrupts me, dominating any and all conversations and ignores common courtesies like flushing after he uses the bathroom (wastes water he says, but the extra laundry is perfectly okay.) He also won't let us leave the house unless we take him with us, or get a sitter. He is NOT senile nor does he suffer any memory loss. He is a controller.
My marriage is suffering immensely. My husband is so stressed that for my birthday, he got me a card that says "Happy Birthday Daughter." My husband is allowing the FIL and the unhousebroken dog he brought with him to rule out home. Normal people would never go into someone else's home and take over.
The bottom line is, your commitment is to your spouse first and foremost. Care can be provided for the parent without it ruining your lives. Talk to your spouse, and set boundaries. If that doesn't work, remember love is a two way street and you, too, deserve to be happy!
Glad that FiL liked the ALs. Hope this moves forward!
Do people in his family tend to live very long like into their 90s?
I'm hoping you're feeling a well deserved sense of relief at this progress.
once again this forum speaks from experience, and it is much appreciated--making this journey that much easier to handle!
I do agree that counselling is very important for you, beretta, now and the two of you once fil has moved - if he does.